Palabras de Deb

A pastor's prayer

2011-12-08T11:25:00.000-08:00

R's father was a pastor. He died nearly 4 years ago now. We have inherited various things from him: commentaries, books, shirts, knick knacks, a desk, fishing gear, and more. One of the most sacred (in my mind) things we have is his old journals. I don't know where he got them but he had at least a dozen red leather journals marked with the year. They have one page for each day of the year and he wrote faithfully. They are less like journals where he shared all his thoughts and did a written monologue, and more like his daily prayers.

There were definitely days he missed, but he was quite regular in writing his prayers. It is touching to read through and see his heart as he prayed for church issues, church families, and that God would guide him in his ministry.

I have journaled for years. It started as a habit in 6th grade when it was required. To date, I have over 40 journals. They used to be all about life. Now they are a mix of sermon prep, personal writing, and prayers. I have told my best friend that if I die, she is supposed to find them and burn them. But now that I have a daughter, there is part of me that thinks down the line it would be cool for her to have those to look back on. Some things are deeply personal and I'd rather no one read them (hence the request for them to burned), but once I'm dead it probably won't matter much. ;)

Someone close to R's dad has said his journals should be burned, but we would hate to lose those memories and prayers of his. In a way, it is a way of connecting with him on a deeper level (both professionally and personally) even though we never met.

Thank you Steve for your faithfulness, your ministry, and your prayers.

A Little Weary

2011-12-07T11:24:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas! Each year, right after Thanksgiving, I haul out the Christmas decorations and dress up the house. I put up the tree and use my Christmas dishes all year long. This year as I decorated, I thought, "Why don't I keep the decorations up since I love them so much?" But I immediately knew if I did that, they would lose some of their power to transform my home.

Normally, I get so excited to entertain and create worship services, but this year, something is missing. Life has been full of changes with the addition of Miss Ruth and the purchase of a new home, and work has been tiring because it has been stressful and some people in the church have done and said some pretty hurtful things. I just don't have the drive. I wish I did. I wish I had the energy for it, but these days, mostly, I just push myself to do it because I know it needs to be done.

I'm hoping for a renewal of energy and creativity.

Dear Lord, please inspire me to lead and love your people this holiday season. Amen.

Are you putting in enough hours?

2011-11-08T11:37:00.000-08:00

This week my SPRC liaison approached me about a couple of issues she needed to discuss with me. One was about finances for the coming year (a looming unknown as we wait and pray for more pledge cards to be turned in) and about some concerns from ~~the congregation~~ a couple of people in the congregation. Two people had asked her if I was even working full time these days.

Wow. That stung. I would venture to say that anyone in ministry as a profession knows that there is no "part time ministry". I have friends who have tried it...tried working half time or even 3/4 time, and yet, the work of ministry is consuming and they still end up putting in full time hours. Ever since commissioning, I have worked full time as a pastor. Most weeks that equals 50-55 hours, minimum. Often it equals 60-65 hours in a week. In high holy seasons, maybe even more.

I love my job, and love what I do. And since having a baby, I have backed up a bit from the overly full time schedule I was keeping. I used to be willing to go from 8am-midnight if it was needed to accomplish something or to run a program. Now, I am not able to do that, and in having Ruth, I have seen my priorities differently, and I am even unwilling to do that. Regularly working a 16 hour day is not fair and it's not fun.

The truth of the matter is I have scaled back. Scaled back from 55-60 hour weeks to 45-50 hour weeks (with an occasional week requiring more). But I still work full time.

I suggested to my SPRC liaison that a fitting response to these individuals might be, "what is it you expect Pastor Debbie to be doing that you don't see her doing?" I mean, maybe they have some expectation for my ministry and I just don't know about it.

I inquired where the concern came from and one person said they didn't see me in the office much and the other just wondered how many hours I have been working. I know many of my colleagues have faced regular complaints about "office hours" being insufficient, fortunately, I never have. So to be surprised by it was very frustrating. So little of my ministry occurs within the office walls. Sure, it can. I do counseling in the office (but I also do it at starbucks, in restaurants, on the phone, and in my own home). I do emailing and administration in the office (but I also do that in my home and just about wherever I am on my phone). I read in my office (that is if I am left alone for more than 15 minutes...), but I also read a variety of other places. But I am not the type to just sit in the office. It's part of why I like ministry--I have the flexibility to work anywhere.

Hearing those types of comments always makes me do some serious self inventory. And I have. And now I need to move on. Because I know I work full time. I know I do a variety of things in ministry. (I also know that I am not super human and there are things I miss because there simply isn't time to do it all). Now I am working on forgiving this unnamed person and trying not to make assumptions about who it was.

Quote of the Day

2011-11-08T11:21:00.001-08:00

"I had major, much needed break work done recently. Because I had been driving with bad breaks so long (darn near pushing them to the floor to stop), the repaired breaks didn't feel right when I first drove away. I wanted to go back and ask the mechanic if he had done it correctly. I felt something was wrong because I didn't have to try as hard to accomplish my goal (stop). Lesson: in life we can get so used to dealing with wrong until "right" doesn't feel "right" because we're so used to wrong. Do yourself a favor and don't wait too long to fix the problem". --Reginald Bell

No trespassing

2011-11-03T08:44:00.000-07:00

I have written about our ministry with the homeless on various occasions here on this blog. It has been a journey filled with lots of learning (for me) and education (of the congregation and for those we serve). Sometimes, I am very proud of our ministry. I am proud of those who have found community in our midst. I smile and think of Allen, who had been on the streets for 17 years when I first met him. Allen claimed he loved the outdoors and didn't ever want to live inside again. For 6 months (after I arrived), he slept on our property. Only a few short weeks after I arrived, he began attending worship and came faithfully every Sunday after. He joined the church and was a regular liturgist.

I am proud of those who have been able to use our ministry as a stepping stone to finding long term housing. I smile when I think of Ed, Katie, Carlos, and Allen knowing they sleep on a bed with shelter over their heads each night.

I am proud of those who have sought sobriety because, in part, of our ministries. I celebrate with Carlos who now has nearly 2 years sober.

I am proud of the connection we have with those we serve so that they aren't left alone when they are sick and hospitalized, or even when they die. I have been to the ER countless times to share in prayer with these brothers and sisters, and been part of saying goodbye when 4 of them have died. I was glad they did not die alone.

I am proud of the ways our members have faced their fears and confronted their stereotypes, for the ways we have stopped dealing with "the homeless" and started dealing with individuals...Alan, Cuca, Jimmy, Wade, and many, many more.

I am glad that an occasional meal bag has converted into weekly hot breakfast with the opportunity to make a sack lunch, prayer before their meal, clean clothes and shoes, Bible study, and worship.

I am so grateful to be a part of this ministry and to learn to live and change in the midst of it.

And, even, in the midst of all that triumph, there is frustration and failure.

It was over a year ago that the trustees decided we could no longer allow individuals to sleep on our property (it was a year and a half ago we had to limit day time access so folks weren't just sleeping on the grounds--we really felt that if we were trying to help them get to a better place in life, napping day in and day out on our property, was not going to get them there). We issued notice and told folks they couldn't stay. Night after night and morning after morning we would tell people to leave because they were camping out. Sometimes we called the police, sometimes we didn't.

And, truth be told, we sort of have a love hate relationship with the PD. They haven't always been very helpful. In fact, they sort of hold (or live?) an all-or-nothing policy. When we first began allowing folks to stay, the area commander told me in no uncertain terms, he didn't support what we were doing. And, basically, if we allowed them to stay at any time, then they were prohibited from asking them to leave at any time. In other words, if we made any allowances, they would not help. As our policies have changed, we have tried to have the police help us, and unfortunately they have not. On various occasions, I have received reports back of what certain (homeless) individuals have said that I said and have had to shake my head that the police would believe such things. In the same breath an officer will say, "you can't trust anything CM says" and then follow it up with, "we can't kick her off the property because she said Pastor Debbie hired her to be security." It seems odd that someone who "can't be believed" is allowed to make up all kinds of things about what permissions I have granted.

It's frustrating, to say the least.

Well, after a year of "battle" with 3 individuals who refuse to heed church instruction, who cuss out church members, who refuse to comply with the police, who break into our buildings, who lie about our policy, who steal from our church, we decided we had to get hard core. We filed a no trespassing order...one that says that anyone on the property without permission will be arrested on felony charges.

That feels awful to me. I don't want the church to have to say "No trespassing, get out of here." But I also don't want the absence of such a rule to imply "sure, come on over, break into a building, stay, we don't care, oh yeah, and don't bother listening to our people or the police" and that seems to be the message these 3 individuals hear.

My biggest hope is that the police don't continue to play the all-or-nothing game arresting anyone on the property. They all know who the problem characters are, because they present a problem to the police too.

Please pray for us as we continue on this journey and try and do what is most faithful along the way.

You should write a book

2011-10-31T08:19:00.000-07:00

Sunday, after I greeted everyone in the reception line, one parishioner came back to talk with me. He was very kind and told me I have a way with words. He added that he really appreciates my preaching, both on Sunday mornings, and at funeral services. He told me I should write a book or do some memoirs. I was flattered, and to be honest, a bit surprised since I felt like my sermon was sub par. It’s amazing how God uses people to offer encouragement at the times when I feel ready to just throw up my hands. It’s also amazing to me that God can use my words when I haven’t done the necessary preparation. I told the parishioner that I blog, but he wasn’t quite satisfied with that as my medium…he wanted me to put it in print.

Sunday was also a potluck Sunday, so after I locked up the church, I went to greet people and I saw this man again and he handed me a note card that read “Write a Book.” Apparently he wanted to be sure I got the message.

I love volunteers

2011-09-01T07:45:00.000-07:00

This year brought a lot of changes to my ministry. Not the least of which was having to cut 6 part time staff members and move to a volunteer based "staff". Managing that level of change was demanding. There was a lot to do and organize so that each job could have someone step in and know what to do and how to do it and where to find necessary supplies. It took us about 3 months to work fully through the transition and work out the major kinks. And now, we have about 20 volunteers who come in weekly to help with everything from scrubbing toilets, to leading the choir, to children's ministries, to running the office. And, most of our volunteers are regulars--they volunteer each week to do the same or a similar task. And they do a wonderful job.

As part of that transition and then getting ready for maternity leave, I had a lot to delegate. And in delegating, I realized just how many things I had been doing. And I realized how few things I had been delegating before it was "necessary". In a lot of ways, I had been hindering the ministries of the church by not allowing more people to take part, and take leadership, in the various ministries that we do.

As I prepared to come back from maternity leave, I was afraid that many people would want to abdicate their responsibilities and I would be left returning to all of the administrative items that were eating up my time (and not feeding my soul in the ways that other ministries tend to). Fortunately, kept doing what they were doing, and they did a great job. Now we have folks swing by just to see if anything needs to be done. It's so awesome to see their willingness and to not have to do the things that suck your time away!

A good baby

2011-08-31T11:38:00.000-07:00

I have been back at work for a month and a half now and while it's been good, it's also been challenging. I am both working full time and caring for Ruth full time and it's been difficult. By most accounts, Ruth is a great baby. She is happy, sleeps well, eats well, and is healthy. Her only "struggle" (and I'm not even sure that's the appropriate word) is that she can be particular about how she is held or who she is with. Our phrase around here is "she makes you work for it." She sleeps well, but if she is overtired she will fight sleep, and will make you "work for it" to get her to sleep. Or, often, when being held, she doesn't want to simply be cuddled, she wants to be walked, and bounced and to have you stand her up and face her out so she can see everything around her. This isn't as much a challenge for her as it is for those who want to hold her.

She likes people and wants to watch people and will refuse to sleep if there are things to do and people to watch. But there seems to be this crazy expectation from people that she will just pass from person to person and cuddle with whomever wants a "baby fix". And that's simply not the case. I don't mind it because I don't think it's a flaw. I think she's just young and getting used to the world and all the people around her. But it is sometimes difficult when I can't just hand her off to someone and have them hold her so I can do something. Or, lots of folks, who think she should just be happy to cuddle, get hurt or frustrated when she starts to cry when they hold her. It's hard to balance (and sometimes battle) the expectations of others. Especially since folks have this other idea that "church babies" are the most social of all.

I don't like to disappoint people, and I feel like Ruth is an extension of me, and I don't want others to be disappointed by her (I said it that way intentionally, not that she is directly disappointing them, but that they are disappointed because their expectations aren't met). But the reality is she's her own person and she does things her way and there's no wrong or right way about her way (not yet anyway...she's only 3 1/2 months old).

I've come to somewhat loathe the notions of a "good baby" that people hold. A good baby is one who is quiet, doesn't fuss, hardly cries, sleeps, eats, and is happy with anyone and everyone. I know that logically people can't honestly believe that that's how babies are...babies cry--it's how they communicate, and not crying is not really a good thing, it's generally a sign that something big is wrong. If you are honest about it, babies are babies and they are a lot of work (and a tremendous blessing) and they have their own personality, and they cry, and they fuss (even if they don't know why), and they sleep and they eat and they are changing so regularly that they aren't terribly predictable (other than needing to sleep and eat and be loved on). Quite honestly, I think Ruth is perfect. Not in the cultural sense of perfect--she's not flawless and she certainly doesn't make life "easy" for me. But she is a wonderful joy. Just her smile can make all kinds of worries and frustrations melt away. Even when she is terribly upset and almost inconsolable, she's perfectly wonderful. It's not her fault I can't figure out what to do. And once she does get fed and get some sleep (that's normally the best answer to anything!), she's happy as a clam and all smiles once again, as if the injustice and hardship of being overtired or overstimulated never even happened.

She's wonderful and I wish people could simply see that without having a need to evaluate every fuss, every cry, every giggle for whether or not she is "good". She is good because God created her in God's image. She is perfectly and wonderfully made and there's no two ways about it.

Newborn care

2011-07-26T12:05:00.000-07:00

Caring for a newborn can be challenging for a variety of reasons: you're tired, they need something all the time, and most of all: they can't tell you what they need. It's hard trying to guess the need of your newest addition, and sometimes it's frustrating. We often imagine them being "difficult" on purpose. And despite our pleas, they won't simply tell us what they want.

Remember this: they don't know what's wrong either. A newborn doesn't think in the ways you do. They feel, and mostly, early on, they know the feel good or they feel bad. In these early days and weeks, if a baby feels good, he/she is sleeping, is quiet, or is smiling and taking in the world. If he/she feels bad, he/she will fuss or cry. There's not a lot of discernment.

Good feelings: full, well rested, amused, clean, freshly diapered.

Bad feelings: tired, hungry, hurt, pain, irritation, discomfort, gassy

So, as you care for your baby, take a deep breath, remember he/she isn't being difficult when they cry. They just feel bad and need your help.

Infant Care Tip

2011-07-25T12:05:00.000-07:00

This idea came from my grandmother:

Before you cut your baby's nails, put a little baby powder in your hand and use their nails to scratch at the powder, so they get some under each nail. The powder should make it easier to see how much you should cut.

Baby item ideas

2011-07-18T17:20:00.000-07:00

I have a few friends who are expecting their first babies and I am so excited for them. The other day, one of them said she was having trouble picking registry items, so I sent some unsolicited advice (is there any other kind for expectant parents?!?) about the items we love and use.

These are my suggestions:

1) we use g diapers (we used Newborn disposables for the first month or so b/c she was so small). If you don't know anything about g diapers,here's the quick and dirty version. they are washable (though there is a biodegradable flushable option for the inner most part) and really easy to use and wash. We inherited the small sizes, but for the medium, we just bought what we'd need and spent about $120, which we should be able to use for about 9 months depending on how quickly (or slowly) Ruth grows. If we were using disposable, we would spend close to that EACH month...so if you don't mind doing a load of laundry extra per day, I'd recommend that route. (As a note, if we had to go to the laundry mat, I would not want this option)

2) A church member/friend got us aden and anais blankets and I LOVE them so much we went back and got more at Target. here is their direct website but like I said, you can get them at Target. they are big and muslin, so they are lightweight for summer weather. plus they are super cute.

3) we got a diaper warmer and thought it was a bit excessive, so we took it back, then we brought Ruth home and she screamed bloody murder at cold wipes, so we went and got it again!

4) a friend gave us a sleep sheep and it is a LIFE SAVER! it has 4 different types of sounds for white noise and we use it at night when we put Ruth to sleep and when we traveled all over the state we used it in the car too and it was great.

5) Ruth really likes the swing, we use it daily and besides my arms, it is the only place she will nap during the day...we were lucky and got ours from a friend, maybe you will get one at a shower or can borrow one from a friend? (that being said, I know some folks have no luck with them...)

6) I don't know if you plan to breast feed or not, but if you do plan to breast feed, I would recommend cloth nursing pads for your bra (the disposable ones are crunchy and annoying to me, but I use them when I need to). I would also recommend lansinol or medela lanolin lotion--it helps you keep your nipples from drying and cracking (and bleeding). For nursing bras, I just get mine at Target (motherhood tends to be more expensive), I recommend the simple (no underwire and no padding) ones...the padded ones are hard to fold down and the underwire tends to pop out (as underwire does). The nursing tanks are also nice to sleep in or wear under stuff. If you do nurse, know that it can be hard and painful at the beginning--even later (even though nursing coaches tend to tell you it doesn't). If you are going to pump, you can get a pump through craigslist for a much better price (I got mine for $100 instead of $300) and you can sterilize the stuff...I asked my doctor about whether or not I needed new stuff and he said that sterilizing was cool. if you're not comfortable with that, you can always get the stuff (whatever parts or bottles you may need) at the store.

7) get some burp rags, you'll need them!

8) If you haven't read it, I would HIGHLY recommend "Happiest Baby on the Block"--it's great for calming babies and getting them to sleep. plus it's sound advice and philosophy that's really helpful (it seems to be the new go-to book for lots of parents)

9) I don't know what the official name for it is, I tried looking it up and can't find it, I inherited mine from a friend...but it's a baby sleeping wedge...actually there are two wedges, one for each side of the baby, with fabric that connects them--basically it fits on either side of the baby and snuggles him/her during the night so he/she can sleep. If you can find one, I think they're worth it.

10) Lots of other things you may get plenty of...socks or bibs, or clothes, people LOVE baby clothes and can't help but buy them. =) we waited to see what we got and then took stuff back because we didn't need 20 (or even 12) pajamas for 0-3 months, so we took some back and got some of the older sizes. for clothes, we don't use socks much...probably in winter we might, but newborn socks are fairly pointless in my book, and newborn shoes definitely are...if she doesn't kick them off, they don't get seen b/c she's swaddled, so we don't use shoes right now...(and I don't know if you've read or heard, but you should only use soft soles until the baby is 2, otherwise it's hard for them to learn to balance and walk...)

Yosemite

2011-07-09T12:33:00.000-07:00

We had an amazing two week vacation. We started by heading to Bishop to visit Ruth's namesake, my maternal grandmother, and see her grandparents and meet some more family and friends in Bishop. Then we headed up to Mono Lake Mobil station for lunch (yes, the Mobil station, they have a gourmet chef and the food is amazing) and then headed on into Yosemite.

It was GORGEOUS! I haven't been in about 10 years and somehow those 10 years have given me a deeper appreciation for the beauty of God's creation. We had two nights in Yosemite before we headed to Sacramento to celebrate (and officiate) at a friend's wedding.

Here are a few favorites from Yosemite.

Vagrancy

2011-06-21T13:05:00.000-07:00

In seminary, I volunteered at a local shelter on Thursday nights for "foot clinic". Each Thursday homeless from around Atlanta would sign up for foot washing. Then in the evening, we would gather for a large shared meal together (volunteers, homeless, and permanent residents at the shelter) and eat dinner together. Then we would clean up and re-set the room for foot clinic (while the medical clinic was held in another room and had med school residents to run it).

Foot clinic was run by a nurse named Hannah whose parents ran the shelter. The rest of us came from a variety of trades and followed her instruction. After walking miles each day in the heat and the wet all over Atlanta (often services are strewn out all over town making a long trek necessary to get paperwork filed or whatever else might need to be done during the day...including eating and finding public bathrooms), feet get nasty. So, we would soak their feet in a hot soapy water bath and then we would clean their feet. We would scrub callouses, cut out corns, trim nails, treat foot fungus, then dry and lotion their feet, and give them 2 pair of new socks to wear.

I learned a lot in my 6 months at the clinic and had my eyes opened about issues surrounding homeless. Not the least of which is that in dealing with "the homeless" you aren't dealing with an issue, you are dealing with people. As I sat and cleaned feet, I would get to know the men and women with whom I shared that sacred holy upper-room act. I would hear about their lives and their struggles, which included being arrested for vagrancy when they had simply been hanging out at a park or a side walk or wherever. I would become very frustrated at their circumstances. It always felt like such a waste to put people in jail for simply trying to be somewhere.

And now, five and half years later, I am on the other side of the story. At various points, I have shared about our ministry with the homeless at the church. In general we have a good ministry that goes smoothly. We feed 25-45 folks each Sunday and provide showers, clothes, toiletries, Bible study, worship, and fellowship. In the early days, we allowed folks to stay on the property at night, with the understanding that the shelters didn't always have enough room, and that for some, even when they did have room, folks had to come in "dry" (meaning sober) and for many folks on the street, that was too much to ask.

We liked being able to offer a safe dry place for folks to stay (Even if it was still outside) and worked to help various folks get into housing. (of 20 regular folks who stayed on the property at different times, 5 got into full term housing...we saw those as pretty decent odds). But then we started to have trouble. Folks were drinking on the property, doing drugs, selling drugs, having sexual encounters, and even breaking into our buildings, and that was it. We said that was completely unacceptable and had to change the rules and practices at the church. There was a small cohort that didn't really care what we said and insisted on staying on the property anyway. They would just come later and later so that we were less likely to find them there and and send them on their way.

Well, those folks eventually moved on and now we have a new cohort of 3. Sometimes they act as allies, and other times they antagonize one another and even call the police on each other. For months, we've been fighting them. They break into buildings and stay the night. They refuse to leave the property. They smoke in buildings; they have even left urine cups behind couches when the bathroom is mere feet away. It's been exhausting. It hasn't mattered what we say or who says it. It doesn't even matter if we call the police (mostly b/c the police refuse to do anything). It really has been a frustrating situation from all sides with no real positive outcome in the foreseeable future. We've tried getting them to go to a shelter. I've tried to get mental health help and whenever I set up an appointment, they fail to show up.

I still don't really think arresting them is the *best* option. But allowing them to stay when they refuse to respect the rules or listen to anyone at the church isn't really an option anyway. I just wish I had a good answer...

On Motherhood

2011-06-17T20:48:00.002-07:00

I’ve officially been a mother for a month now. Though arguably, I’ve been a mother ever since we knew we were pregnant. Most folks don’t talk about it that way, but I have been thinking about and caring for our little one ever since that moment. It wasn’t “hands on” in an official sense, but since her sole care rested with me and my womb, I was mothering her even in those days.

People often ask how the transition has been, and quite honestly, it hardly feels like much of a transition at all. Not that life hasn’t changed; we have a baby and that is a huge change. But it hasn’t been so life changing in a way that is dramatic and unexpected. Ruth has fit in quite easily and naturally, at least for me.

For years, I’ve felt like I was born to be a mother. In college, there were years when I couldn’t imagine myself with a husband (or rather couldn’t imagine a man I would want to spend my life with), but I could easily see myself as a mother. Caring for and loving children comes naturally for me. It’s easy and natural. Of course, the care takes work, and there are various “tricks” I have learned along the way, but loving another human being and caring for her needs--that comes easily. And even when I would rather stay in bed and get some sleep, it’s still easy to roll myself out of bed knowing that this little wonder of life needs me.

And, saying all that, I say this, I’ve been quiet on the blogging front for quite some time. I occasionally write, though I wish I ~~could~~ would write much more often. But I often hesitate to start typing because I don’t feel like I have much spiritual or theological to say, and since that has been my primary focus for the years I have been blogging, I hesitate to write anything else. But I think it’s time for me to transition my blogging to reflect my life changes. I think I might do more “mommy-blogging”. Which is not to say that there won’t be the occasional theological piece, but I think if I hope to re-awaken my blog to have any kind of regular updates, then I need to give myself permission to write about whatever comes to me, even if it’s not “churchy” or even “church appropriate” as this is supposed to be a free expression of my thoughts on life and what comes with it.

That may turn off some of my readership, and for that, I apologize. But I have to remind myself that I didn’t start blogging for others to read it, but instead for me to write. So, I think I will try and return to that purpose and write as I am led.

Time for an update

2011-06-17T20:48:00.000-07:00

Well, I think I am well past needing to update my blog! (Thanks Dad for the reminder). Last time I posted I was 5 days over due. On day 8 of past-due waiting, I was induced and after a long and VERY eventful day (hopefully to be written about in detail later) Ruth entered the world.

I can hardly believe that today now marks her "one-month-i-versary".

Ruth on her birth-day:

Ruth today:

Still waiting...

2011-05-14T15:52:00.000-07:00

I am now 5 days past my due date and couldn't feel more impatient.

Despite that, one of the perks of not delivering on time was that we had a chance to do a pregnancy photo shoot. Below are some of my favorites.

Soul Whisperers

2011-05-06T13:12:00.000-07:00

If you live in North America, the odds are good you've heard of both the Horse Whisperer and the Dog Whisperer. They are both known for their unique way of masterfully and gracefully (and quietly) communicating with and calming the animals they work with. They have a special way that they understand and relate to the animals. Even without words, they can make themselves understood. And despite lack of verbal communication from the animal, these gifted trainers seem to understand what is going on with each individual animal.

Different from, but similar to, these trainers, I believe, are soul whisperers. I think soul whisperers are people who have an inherent and unique sense of understanding of and connection to the human soul. They may be different for different people. But these soul whisperers are able to relate to and understand people, often without words, in a way that is more profound than the average Joe (or Josie, as the case may be).

I had the privilege of talking with one this morning. I am fortunate to hold a couple of soul whisperers as intimate friends. Their simple presence has a way of unlocking emotions and breaking down walls that I keep at bay from many people. And they don't even have to try. There is such a profound sense of safety and peace when ~~you are~~ I am with them, that ~~one~~ I can't help but feel comfortable revealing the most intimate and vulnerable parts of ~~themselves~~ myself.

I don't know how many of these people there actually are in the world. I have only known a handful. Though there have to be many more. These are patient people who hold silence without any hesitation, that's actually a starting place, rather than a default location for them. They sit and listen. And even without words, they seem to see my soul. They know me. Deeply, intimately, even if it's only once in a blue moon that we speak, it makes no difference, because the connection is made so easily, so effortlessly, that it can happen any time and any where. And it's not scary. It can be, don't get me wrong, being so vulnerable can be intensely frightening, but once you've revealed yourself to a soul whisperer, you learn that they won't take advantage of your confidences. They won't hold your sins against you or judge your most irrational quirks. And so you can feel free to be fully yourself.

I remember the first time I "exposed" myself to a soul whisperer. I was in seminary and taking an art class during my last semester. I shared about some of what I had done (without actually showing any of my work) and this friend asked to see my work. Hesitantly, I pulled it out. And he was appreciative, both of the art and of my sharing it with him, yet the whole time I felt naked. Literally naked. Like I was sitting there completely exposed in my birthday suit. Though I wasn't. But there was that level of vulnerability in what I was sharing. It may seem silly, it was just art after all, but for me it was much more profound than that. It was the first time I had really bared a part of myself that wasn't spoken emotion but could possibly reveal so much more of who I was than simple words. And he was gracious and gentle and encouraging--just as a soul whisperer should be. I was safe. And from that I learned that I would be safe in the future as well.

The soul whisperers I know are individuals others clamor to be around. Not in a popularity sense, but in an I-need-to-be-known-and-loved sense. People long for connection (all of us do) and these soul whisperers can offer that so easily that people REALLY want to be around them, if only for a short time. They can easily get burnt out and used up as most people beg to receive from them, rarely thinking of what the soul whisperer might need for his or her own soul in return.

I'm not sure I have an end point, per say, for this point, only a lot of gratitude for the soul whisperers in my life and particularly for A who shared so much time with me this morning. I am blessed to have her in my life!

Seder Dinner

2011-04-23T13:21:00.000-07:00

This year, the worship committee decided we should do a Seder dinner to celebrate Maundy Thursday. By "we", in essence, they meant "me". I'm sure I could have recruited more help but I didn't want to do a potluck thing, I wanted to do a really nice meal. Fortunately, Cara had a Seder Plate Challenge that gave me lots of cool ideas for foods to cook.

I decided to go with:

Massaged Kale Salad. This was good and people really seemed to like it. I wasn't over the top impressed...I think I'm just not a fan of kale...if I did this again, I'd probably just go with spinach.

Matzoh Encrusted Asparagus. There was definitely WAY too much crust/coating. I multiplied the amount of asparagus by 10 and didn't double the crust mix at all and still had WAY too much. I'd be a minimalist if I do this again and only use 1 or 2 matzoh crackers, 1 tbsp of oregano and a half cup or so of Parmesan cheese. (If I weren't trying to keep it kosher for passover, I might just use Italian bread crumbs with the Parmesan...)

Apricot Beef Brisket. This was super simple to make and very yummy! I might be inclined to use about half the amount of apricots, not because they were bad, but just b/c they didn't get put to good use after cooking...

Mashed Potatoes. These were just a safe extra in case other items didn't turn out. I peeled then boiled the potatoes, drained them, and then added sour cream, heavy cream, butter, salt and pepper...all just eye-balled and to taste.

Charoset. I basically multiplied each of the recipes by 4 or 5 to have enough for 35 people, and we had way too much of this, I'd say the single recipe could easily serve 8-10. I'm going to try and slow cook the leftovers to make applesauce, we'll see how that works out. But the flavor is good and people loved it!

Deviled eggs. I did two batches, half were normal/basic...just mayo, mustard, salt and pepper, the others had all of that plus curry powder to taste (which are my preference but I know not everyone likes the curry...)

Horseradish Cauliflower Latkes. these were a decent amount of work. I used a regular steamer on the stove top to prep the cauliflower and prepared the "batter" a day ahead to try and help me out on the day of, which was a good plan, though I almost forgot the egg whites, which was not a good plan b/c they keep the batter together when you fry it. The suggestion for a ton of horseradish seemed crazy to me, especially as it made me cry as I added it, but in retrospect, I would have gone with more rather than less. She used 6T for 1 head of cauliflower. I used 12T for 5 heads of cauliflower. I definitely could have used more and it would have been just fine.

Oreo truffles. these were SUPER simple....one of the easiest cookies/desserts ever. I did take the advice of the reviews and used milk chocolate instead of semi sweet and just used a 12oz bag instead of 16 oz and it worked out just fine!

White chocolate truffles. the original Seder plate challenged had wasabi white chocolate ginger truffles which sounded wonderful and I really wanted to try, but tracking down fresh wasabi was no easy task. When I found it online, it was $84 for a half a pound, and there was simply no way I was going to go that route. So I found these instead and they were yummy and relatively simple. though, as you roll the truffles, the heat from your hands will start to melt the chocolate. The powdered sugar does help, as would dipping your hands in ice water every so often. I'd make these again without hesitation!

Chocolate dipped Almond Butter merengues. these left a little to be desired in my mind, but that may be because I have too much of a sweet tooth...these just weren't sweet, so they hardly ranked as a yummy dessert in my book, but lots of folks tried them and seemed to like them. If you make them, my caution would be that it's easy to burn the merengue, I'd shorten the cooking time and only cook them on the upper ranks of the oven.

Over all, it was definitely a holiday feast and people really enjoyed doing the dinner (along with the liturgy which I adapted from one sent by a friend). I think it'd be worth trying again in the future, but with more help and maybe some different recipes or variations.

Beef and Broccoli recipe

2011-04-12T19:24:00.001-07:00

So apparently when you're 8.5 months pregnant all you want to do is eat...so that's primarily what you'll get here...or so it seems.

Here's tonight's recipe.

Cinnamon rolls

2011-04-12T07:50:00.000-07:00

My best friend had made these cinnamon rolls the last time I visited and they were awesome. I had to try them!

Unfortunately, I faced a few frustrations in the process, but hopefully you can over come those:

1) With only the 6 cups of flour, the dough was super sticky, instead of adding more flour, I let it go hoping it would come out alright, unfortunately it seemed to stifle the rising process, so my recommendation would be to add more flour until it no longer sticks to the side of the bowl (at least in large part).

2) the dough wouldn't rise. I waited hours and it simply wasn't working. I used fresh yeast, didn't over-kneed, and had it rise in a draft free location, but that didn't seem to a matter. Finally I got a new tip and put it in the oven (off) with a bowl of boiling water. Granted I left it there for a couple of hours while I was in Bible study, but when I got back, it had finally risen.

3) When I went to roll it out, there was a TON of dough. They are not kidding that this recipe makes a lot. If I did it again. I would pound the dough down more and then cut it into 2 pieces and do half at a time with the butter/brown sugar/cinnamon topping.

4) I used a big roasting pan to cook them, and would recommend using a huge pan (probably two) for this recipe.

In the end, they still taste awesome...but it was definitely a recipe that came to those who (had) to wait.

I hope you have more luck with the rising than I did, and I hope you enjoy just as much as we did!!!

Cool Easter idea for kids

2011-04-11T17:19:00.000-07:00

A parishioner got this as a forward on email. I had not read it before and thought it was a very cool idea. It should be done the night before Easter before going to bed.

Ingredients:

1 cup whole pecans

1 tsp vinegar

3 egg whites

1 pinch salt

1 cup sugar

ziplock bag

wooden spoon

masking tape

Bible

Directions:

Preheat oven to 300 F. Place pecans in ziplock and let kids beat them with the wooden spoon to break into small pieces. Explain that after Jesus was arrested he was beaten by the Romans soldiers. Read John 19:1-3.

Let each child smell the vinegar. Put 1 tsp vinegar into mixing bowl. Explain that when Jesus was thirsty on the cross he was given vinegar to drink. Read John 19:28-30.

Add egg whites to vinegar. Eggs represent life. Explain that Jesus gave his life to give us life. Read John 10:10-11.

Sprinkle a little salt into each child's hand. Let them taste it and brush the rest into the bowl. Explain that this represents the salty tears shed by Jesus' followers, and the bitterness of our own sin. Read Luke 23-27.

So far the ingredients are not very appetizing. Add 1 cup sugar. Explain that the sweetest part of the story is that Jesus died because he loves us. He wants us to know and belong to him. Read Psalm 34:8 and John 3:16.

Beat with a mixer on high for 12-15 minutes until stiff peaks are formed. Explain that the color white represents the purity in God's eyes for those whose sins have been cleansed by Jesus. Read Isaiah 1:18 and John 3:13.

Fold in broken nuts. Drop by teaspoons onto wax paper covered cookie sheet. Explain that each mound represents the rocky tomb where Jesus' body was laid.

Read Matthew 27:57-60.

Put the cookie sheet in the oven. Close the door and turn the oven off. Give each child a piece of tape and seal the oven door. Explain that Jesus' tomb was sealed. Read Matthew 27:65-66.

Go to bed! Explain that they may feel sad to leave the cookies in the oven overnight. Jesus' followeres were in despair when the tomb was sealed. Read John 16:20 and 22.

On Easter morning, open the oven and give everyone a cookie. notice the cracked surface and take a bite. the cookies are hollow! Jesus' followers were amazed to find the tomb open and empty. Read Matthew 28:1-9.

Asparagus Soup

2011-04-11T16:50:00.000-07:00

Even though blogging hasn't made it to the top of the list this Lent, cooking often has. Here's an asparagus soup recipe I tried for one of our Lenten soup suppers. It was a definite hit!

I mostly followed the recipe, though did make some of the suggested change:

Instead of 1/4 margarine, I used 2 tbsp butter and 2 tbsp olive oil

I added 4 cloves of garlic

I added an extra potato

I didn't puree everything, just about 3/4 of the soup which left some nice texture

I ditched the can of chicken soup

I used 6 tsp of of bouillion instead of the 4 tbsp that were recommended.

I skipped the soy sauce

What has worked

2011-03-23T07:37:00.000-07:00

While the blogging every day idea did not work for a Lenten discipline, there is one that has. Another one of the ideas I had for this period of Lent was to give up asking R about money issues.

Of all the places where we could be different as husband and wife, money management seems to be the most pronounced. We are a good example of ying and yang--a spender and a saver. He tends to be the spender, I tend to be the saver.

Being the person I am, I can be both a bit of a penny pincher and a bit compulsive in tracking spending (not totally useless in their own right, but not always the most productive for building trust and confidence in marital bliss). And, because my husband is self-employed, the "steady income" is based on his customers paying and paying on time, which unfortunately doesn't always happen.

As a consequence, R ~~sometimes~~ often gets struck by a maelstrom of inquisition about who paid and where money is going, etc, etc, etc.

In an attempt to be a little less neurotic, and much more supportive, I decided to fast from my obsessive questioning. I don't ask about who has and hasn't paid. I don't ask about how much was spent at this store or that store. And I trust (work on trusting?) that he will tell me if something big pops up that I should know about.

It may sound simple, but it definitely requires discipline on my part. And hopefully in drawing near to my husband this Lent, I am also more fully able to receive the love he has to give, which in turn teaches me about God's love for me.

So much for that idea

2011-03-22T17:37:00.000-07:00

Clearly, the plan of blogging every day in Lent did not pan out the way I had planned. In the last couple of weeks, I have been exceedingly tired and somehow that does not mesh with setting aside daily time to write. It probably doesn't mesh with a whole lot of anything, besides lounging around and being lazy, which hasn't really been possible either. And I'm sure the disciplined among you would simply say that I need to devote myself to the practice or otherwise I could simply make the tired excuse for the rest of my life (especially with a new little one on the way, but whatever).

I have about 10 ideas for entries in my head right now, so I'll just sit here and type and see how far I get and that'll have to suffice until I get my next bit of down time coupled with a burst of energy. =)

Bradley, Lamaze, and more, Oh My!

2011-03-12T06:34:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: I think this post might be more for me than for any readers. I think I need to process through writing to try and figure out what I really want to do. As part of that, if you are interested enough to keep reading, I am happy to have feedback.

I am 7 1/2 months pregnant now. Wow, it's crazy to even write that. It seems like just yesterday I was 10 weeks along counting each day trying to move along to the next week and yet it was only so slow. Now, though I know which week I am in (31), I mostly keep track by month. That may not seem like much, but from a pregnant perspective, it's fabulous.

At this point, I have read a good number of books. I have read:

What to Expect When You're Expecting

Belly Laughs

Thank you Dr Lamaze

Husband Coached Childbirth

Happiest Baby on the Block

All are good books. What to Expect is the basics of pregnancy and all the various things that will happen during Dr. appointments and to your body and to your baby. It's like the encyclopedia of pregnancy.

Belly Laughs is a comic take on some of the crazy (to the non-pregnant or newly pregnant woman) things that happen during pregnancy.

Thank you Dr. Lamaze is old school but it is super insightful about the Lamaze Method (mostly known for the weird "hee, hee, hoo" breathing, but actually so much more) and what it actually aims to do. The woman who wrote it actually had Dr. Lamaze as her doctor in France in the late 1950s and she gives all kinds of insights about why the Lamaze method works (it's based on Pavlov's method and so you "train" your body to have the necessary "automatic" responses come time for labor and delivery). From what I've read, it was the pioneer in natural childbirth in the early to mid 20th century (when the accepted practice was to knock the mom out with gas and have her wake up after everything was already over). It aims to train your body and mind to stay "ahead of the pain" (acknowledging that there is pain during childbirth but that it doesn't have to be so extreme if you make your body work for you in the process).

Husband Coached Childbirth is written by Dr. Bradley of the Bradley Method. In essence, he is the modern (though he started practicing as an OB decades ago) proponent of natural (read: medication free) childbirth, which uses the husband/partner as the primary coach during labor. (Remember: for decades husbands/fathers were not allowed in the delivery room, they were kept in the waiting room). It advocates a method of childbirth that mimics what happens naturally (and easily???) for animals. It tries to parallel their breathing patterns, activity patterns, and positions asserting that childbirth is just as natural for humans as it is for animals and so we shouldn't make it so complicated. If we want it to be "easier" then we should go back to natural patterns that seem to work.

Happiest Baby on the Block is one I've read before (when my sister was pregnant with her first child) and I appreciate for the ways it teaches parents how to calm their babies.

Obviously, I've done a lot of reading. And, quite honestly, the debate in my head is now between methods for childbirth. At their core, Bradley and Lamaze propose the same thing: medication-free childbirth that helps the mom engage the process of labor and delivery. Both include the father in both the preparation and the delivery. The major difference seems to be that Lamaze seeks for you to be relaxed, though alert, to try and stay ahead of the pain. Bradley wants you to be relaxed and more relaxed, with little distraction and the father right by your side. (I don't really know a better way to explain it).

It's interesting having read the books because both were written when their methods were new and radical and not widely accepted. Both have a bit of a bias against "modern medicine" and hospitals. Bradley seems to have become known as adversarial against hospital staff including doctors and nurses.

We tried to ask our doctor for his honest input and advice and all we really got was diplomatic fluff. He said they want what is best for the mom and the baby and are good with pretty much any method. Which, on the one hand, I'm grateful for. On the other hand, he left things vague. We wanted to know which exercises and practices to work with. We wanted to know what seems to work best for his patients. We didn't get that input.

Instead, we've started the childbirth class the hospital offers, which, after just one class, was the most boring thing possible. It probably wouldn't have been bad if I hadn't read any books, but I have, so it just seemed really basic and as unhelpful as our doctor. So for now, I'm basically working the preparation and exercises of both methods with a hope that it'll all come out in the wash.

Privilege to work where I do

2011-03-11T07:07:00.000-08:00

I serve an amazing church. I tell people that all the time. I serve really faithful people who love God and love each other and love newcomers. They are willing to be pushed to grow in their faith and willing to risk and try new things. I love what I do and they make it easy to do so.

A few years ago, when I had passed the Board for ordination, my DS called and congratulated me and then asked if I wanted a move. When I asked why he said, "Well, some people want to go to a better church when they are ordained. They want to move up." I told him I didn't want a move. I serve a church where there is no debt, no major conflict, and people who are devoted to their faith. Where exactly is up?!?

I still serve that wonderful church and they just keep proving how wonderful they are.

Case in point: last week I met with my SPRC (HR committee for the non-methodists) and discussed what their expectations are for when I come back to work after my maternity leave. Essentially, my question was "When will it be ok for me to have the baby at work and when will you expect me to have childcare?" At least one person wasn't sure why I even asked the question. I explained that R & I wanted to be sure of what would be acceptable and what wouldn't be. Someone else asked if they even needed to make any kind of declaration. I said yes, that there were bound to be at least a couple of folks in the congregation who had a gut reaction against me bringing the baby to work. That they wouldn't have been allowed to take their baby to work and so they would expect that other women (including me) should not be allowed to either.

I offered to leave the room so people could feel free to be completely honest in sharing their thoughts. The chair asked me to go ahead and go and then she came to find me about 5 minutes later.

When I returned to the meeting I was told, "We trust you. We trust you as our pastor, and we trust you as a person, and we expect to trust you as a mother. We will leave that up to your discretion."

I am honored by their confidence and their trust. And as I thought further about what they had shared, I realized how very fortunate I am. Most women who go back to work cannot take their child with them. There isn't even a question of possibility. And even many clergywomen aren't allowed to take their infants to work, for whatever reason. But I serve an amazingly supportive church who trusts me to know when it will be ok and when it won't and to plan accordingly, without restrictions.

I am so very blessed!

Ash Wednesday a day late

2011-03-10T16:04:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday and it was very full. I started with a private devotional communion/ash opportunity for the church at 6:30am and finished with a small corporate worship service at 7 last night.

One of the things I want to "add" for Lent is blogging each day. Obviously that didn't quite work in the way I wanted for yesterday, but I figure I shouldn't give up the goal just because of one missed day.

My hope is to reflect more and to slow down to do so.

Quite honestly, I miss finding theological connections in the every day matters of life and I hope taking time to write daily will give me the fresh perspective I need to gt it back.

quote of the day

2011-03-10T15:57:00.000-08:00

A: If that's the case, you shouldn't even ask questions.

B: I always ask questions. I'm a questionnaire.

Chicken Recipe

2011-02-15T12:27:00.000-08:00

We had a bunch (6) of leg/thigh cuts of chicken to use, so I searched for various recipes that might be good and landed on this one. I had seen it in a previous search and had the lead time (1 day) to make it work. So I decided I would try it (minus the bread salad).

the prep time was super quick and easy the night before, a definite bonus in my book. The day of would have been fine, but I didn't read the cook time all the way through, and I got a late start in cooking. (note, it takes at least an hour or so to roast). We ate late, but it was well worth it. The chicken was finger licking good!

It will definitely be repeated!

quote of the day

2011-02-14T12:26:00.000-08:00

Dog slobbers all over the leg of the quoted.

"I'm gonna get you one of the face blanket things....what is it called?...a bib!!"

Sermon

2011-02-14T12:25:00.001-08:00

New sermon post can be found here.

2011-02-11T10:28:00.000-08:00

I work a lot with survivors of sexual violence. In college I went through a training called Sexual Violence Awareness Advocacy (SVAA) in order to work with Take Back the Night and the Clothesline Project. I was blessed to work with amazing men and women who taught me a lot about how abuse happens and how to be a compassionate listener for those who have survived such abuses. And working with survivors really became a part of my call. Advocacy and stopping abuse became a key component for me and ultimately when I recognized my call, this was a part of it.

In ministry, there have been times when I focus on the other parts of my call (race issues, LGBT advocacy, immigrant rights) and times when I focus on working with survivors. There isn't a rhyme or reason for why I do what I do when I do it, only that those issues present themselves more prominently at different times with different people.

I have been blessed to have the trust and confidence of survivors from very early stages of our relationships and have been privileged to walk with them as they heal from the violence (physical, sexual, spiritual, and psychological) that was inflicted on them. As a part of this ministry, I often do the Safe Sanctuary training that the denomination requires for those who work with minors. In my opinion, we don't do it often enough and there are far too few children and youth workers who know the policy and how to work with children to protect them, both from abuses that have happened and abuses that could happen. So when I do a training for my church (we have about 20 folks trained now), I also open it up to the district and/or conference for anyone else that needs training.

That's the long way of getting to this:

In talking with a survivor, she asked if I thought pedophiles could change and if they should be forgiven.

I had to be honest, that's a tough one for me. As a pastor, as a believer, as someone who is whole-heartedly devoted to God's message and offering of grace, yes, I believe someone can change and that they should be forgiven (though I definitely do NOT associate forgiveness with putting oneself in a dangerous/abusive situation again...). And at the same time, forgiveness for abusers is one of the hardest areas for me. I know of someone in my parish who was/is a pedophile (I don't know of recent abuses, only abuses that happened decades ago) and quite honestly, I struggle, especially on communion Sundays. I have to be very cautious because I am very easily prone to judgment and wonder if he has truly repented of what he did. I know it is not mine to know or to judge, but it's tough for me. Especially as someone who sees the life-long effects of abuse on the survivor, who sees how he/she as the victim never really gets to forget what happened and move on, one can only pray they heal from what has happened. So when I see how lasting the pain is, I struggle to believe he/she should receive such pardon and grace so easily. What I believe in my heart and think in my head are very much at odds on this issue.

I know of others in my church who have committed adultery, who have spent all the family savings, who have killed, who have been violent, who have embezzled money, who are perpetual liars and oddly I don't struggle to see and offer them grace as I do with those who have sexually abused someone (male or female, please let's not forget, men/boys are abused too).

Ultimately, because of my faith in Christ, I believe that grace and forgiveness win out--EVERY TIME. I know that other Christians might not go that far, they would put certain standards or requirements in place first, but grace is one of those areas where I think God is far more abundant in God's generosity than most of us would like to think. I think the power of God's love can prevail over even the hardest of hearts. But there are definitely those individuals and those persons who give me pause and make me reevaluate that belief. I pray for them, and for their victims, that the power of God's love would truly prevail to change the hearts of those who abuse and heal the lives of those who have been hurt by them.

Thank you mom and dad

2011-02-10T20:48:00.000-08:00

R and I have 13 weeks left until our little one is due and we are in week 3 of a parenting class. The content of the class is good (though clearly dated with 80s hairstyles, clothes, and technology) and our teachers are two wonderful, experienced moms. There are days the information seems a bit too basic (though I know from child development and child care that even the most basic can be extremely complicated on certain days). There are other days it sparks good conversation, both during class and when we get home.

Tonight we got to talking about children misbehaving in order to get attention. There were talks of children fighting or rebelling or whatever else kids do to seek attention. I know my siblings and I were not perfect children and I remember an occasional fight or two, but nothing outrageous or constant. And in not seeing our conflicts, I see less of our "perfection" and more that of my parents (no, mom and dad, I do not think you're perfect, but I do hold you in pretty high regard). I can guarantee you we would not have been the children we were (and hence not the adults we are) if it were not for our parents who are indeed stellar parents. Not just good people, but great parents. Meaning they parented well.

Tonight one of our teachers said, "there will be times when you just won't be able to get your child to do what you want, and you just have to accept it and move on." I couldn't help but think, "not in our house." (meaning mine growing up...I do not remember ever winning a battle/argument/whatever against my parents; I remember them getting us to do what they wanted, even if it meant soy sauce soup in the morning or reheating fish 7 times before finally eating it and being excused from the table). And I was immediately compelled to call my parents and ask what the most trying times were with us kids.

I haven't called. I may tonight or sometime tomorrow after they've had a chance to read this (though hopefully not comment on anything too awful). I am also inclined to ask my siblings (Hi Dave!) what their recollections are. Being the youngest, my recollection is often more short sighted than theirs (yes, I did just put that in writing!)

I am grateful for my parents and all that they did to raise us and to help us become who we are. And as I prepare for full-time parenthood (not just pregnancy), I can only hope and pray that would be half as good a parent as they were/are.

When you're not using your gifts

2011-02-03T18:55:00.000-08:00

I blame my lack of blogging on this. I know that's not really fair since I was short on blogs long before that drama started, but to be quite honest, it has sucked me dry in the last 6 months.

I am good at administration. I think in systems and organization and things like that, so administration comes fairly naturally. But it does not feed my soul. It has needed to be done, so I've done it. There's been no two ways around that, but I am finding myself more and more drained for the work I do.

If I had to say what does feed me in ministry, I would say:

Teaching

Designing worship experiences that touch people deeply

Pushing people (in a good/constructive way) to grow in their faith and their beliefs

Those are the things I love. Those are the things I can drag my heels getting to (because I'm tired, or lazy, or had a hard day) and feel new energy after I've done them. Ideally, that's where I'd spend the majority of my time and energy each day.

But it hasn't worked that way as of late. You could say it's about priorities and what I chose to do and that I could simply make different choices and then do what inspires me. And, on some level, you might be right. But I'd also have to argue that you aren't being very practical. If half your house is caving in, you shouldn't just walk away to the half that's not and pretend the other isn't happening. You could, sure. But you shouldn't. Not if you ever want to get back to that other half of the house. So I've been in the crumbling, messy, disorganized part trying to get us back on our feet and functioning with the hope that once the big stuff becomes organized and clear, the rest will be quite a bit easier.

And I'm tired. It's rugged, demanding work. But it's only for a season, and some day, that season will be over and I will be in a new season, and maybe then I can focus on the things I truly love that give me life. In the meantime, I'm trying to bring back pieces so that I can have more energy for the work that does drain me.

Pre-marital advice

2011-02-03T10:36:00.000-08:00

Man 1: I need advice for marriage.
Man 2: How often do you use foo-foo spray in the bathroom when she's over?
Man 1: All the time.
Man 2: Stop now. You better let her get used to it.
Man 1: No way man.
Man 2: Yep.

Quote of the day

2010-12-29T10:49:00.001-08:00

"We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our touch, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit."

-E E Cummings

A little less than holy

2010-12-12T18:10:00.000-08:00

As you might imagine, I've felt a different type of connection with Mary this season. I can appreciate the joy and celebration and awe of having that child in her womb, even though mine isn't the son of God. (Something for which I am grateful b/c I am not really ready for that responsibility).

Even at the 19th week of pregnancy, the baby is beautifully and wonderfully made. It has all of its body parts, it has eyebrows and fingernails, even it's own distinct fingerprints and toe prints! God's creativity resides throughout the creation of this child in a way that is beyond words. God is meticulous. It's amazing.

That's the romantic side of the story.

But there's another side to the story. A side for which I have a new type of sympathy.

In pregnancy, there is a weird chaotic thing that happens to your body. There are new aches and pains. You grow and change in ways you didn't expect. Not just your belly, but all over. There are headaches and hemorrhoids, in addition to the nausea and vomiting and other not-so-glorious changes that will remained unmentioned here.

On more than one occasion, I have had to run out from a meal or a meeting because I was instantly and unexpectedly sick. And at moments like that, I have to wonder, "I wonder what Mary thought in moments like these." I wonder if she still felt like this was a holy experience. Or if it was all a little less than divine. Is this really what I signed up for?

There's something about the promise of holding that child that sort of makes it all ok. But there's that other side that says, "You know, I could maybe give this up." I could leave the sickness and the pain in the dust.

Now, the doctor says it's all normal. And I'm glad it's all ok for him. But for me, someone who has had a fairly healthy body for all of her life, the signs and symptoms seem not so normal to me.

Yet her reality, indeed my reality, shows me a deeper truth about what happens when we sign up to do something miraculous or marvelous with God: There's this chaotic thing that happens around any work of God. There is the romantic part that is sparkling and beautiful and decorated. It's shiny and perfect and gives us hope in each moment. But then there's the behind the scenes part. The reality. That's part of doing the work of God. Whatever we are called to will be creative and awe inspiring, and in the midst of that there will be chaos--distractions and obstacles and frustrations. A whole host of things that make us ask: Did I really sign up for this?

There are many who say that pregnancy was the best part of their life, and I am waiting for that to be true for me. Because this business is not what I thought I was signing up for. And for many of us, when we sign up to help God, we feel something similar. We want to be beyond the chaos and the clutter, we want to be there already.

But the reality is we don't get to side step the chaos. We don't get to ignore it. To be God's servant means we get both the glory and the aches and pains. I don't know anyone, not one single person, who can testify to what God has done for them or in them who didn't have trials along the way. The chaos is a natural side effect of what is going on. We need to be encouraged to know that those things aren't the end of the story.

If we want to get there to that place of creativity and miracles, we have to first be here, in this place of changes and chaos and transition. Because that's how we get to that place of God. We all have a Mary story. It may involve pregnancy or it may not, but God has called each of us to something, and we can set out to get there and as we strive to get there we need to expect a bit of chaos.

The Biggest Beast Yet

2010-12-04T20:10:00.000-08:00

I realize I have been fairly silent on the blogging front lately. Part of it is busyness, but mostly it's been that we've been dealing with a lot at the church and much of it has been behind the scenes or confidential for months and I haven't felt like I could voice things here. But now, it's out in the open. We've had confidential staff and SPRC meetings and public all church meetings.

We are in a challenging place full of possibilities. A tense and tiring place to be. Aside from personal struggles along the way, I'd say this is the biggest beast I have yet to face in ministry. Years from now I may think it was but a molehill (and it might be) but for the last 3 months, it has caused much heartbreak and stress.

Here are the basics:

In the last year, we've tried to overhaul how we do financing/budgeting. In years past we have had a "faith budget" (please keep in mind this is defined differently at different churches) In the history of our church, this has basically meant that between the expected income/pledging and the budget there is a gap ($50,000, $23,000, $31,000--the number has varied from year to year) and instead of trying to reconcile the gap--we've created a faith line item.

Some might say this is a faithful thing to do--believing that God will provide for the ministries we have planned. That could be said, indeed, the trouble is that "faith" number has not been actualized in the 3 years I have been here (nor any years in recent memory...). So instead, we "lie" (in a manner of speaking) to our ministry areas and say "you have $1000 to spend this year" but then we add in a whisper "but not really, so please only spend $100, or at least ask us before you spend anything"--only when people ask...they are always told no. So the reality is there is not the $1000 for them to use for their ministry, and in my mind, that's not a fair way to budget for ministry. I don't want to be told I have a certain allowance at home and then not have the money there to spend...it sets me up for one of two things 1) frustration that I've been lied to 2) debt because I spent the money anyway.

So, in the last year, we've tried to move to a "zero based budget" meaning that the amounts given in the budget match (1 for 1) the expected income/pledging. And, we were poised to do that. Only we hit a pretty major speed bump...

After our pledge campaign and tallying of expected rental income etc, we found that we were $90,000 short for 2011. For some churches, that might be a drop in the bucket, for us it's 40% of the budget. That's a lot. (after some additional giving, a drop in apportionments, and some additional budget cuts, the number has dropped to $74,000, but still...it's a sizable amount.)

And so we saw the scary and staggering truth...if we really want a zero based budget, we will have to cut ALL of our part time staff and then some....and that was not a truth anyone wanted to hear.

We looked at this from about a zillion different vantage points and have prayed relentlessly about what to do.

Of course, we've had to notify our staff of this possibility (likelihood??). And the church council decided they didn't want to make this decision on their own, so we have scheduled all church meetings to talk it out and try and make a decision. The first was held in mid-November. I shared the information about the deficit, but also tried to focus on the visioning that the church council has spent the last year doing and where they see us going and petitioned more for input on the vision and where God is calling us than laments on money or fear about our future.

Not that laments and fear are invalid, only that we can't let them consume us. And then we broke into small groups and each leader had questions to ask to guide the discussion and a note taker and would come to another meeting 2 days later to share what his/her group had discussed. It turned out to be fairly productive and helpful and each of the groups talked for about an hour before I cut them off so as not to run on too long.

We got a lot of helpful feedback about our vision and priorities, some complaints/frustrations that need to be met in the coming months (particularly regarding communication, both internal and external), as well as some areas that need some extra education/information.

The one area we didn't have true clarity on was what to do about our staff and the money question. For some groups, the custodian was a must keep, for others they had folks ready to volunteer for the role. Something similar happened for almost all of the positions...one group would say "must be paid" and another would have someone volunteer. There was no clear answer.

So, tomorrow night, we will have yet another all church meeting and we will do some education on those areas that clearly needed attention (apportionments, endowment, bequests, why we continue to do outreach when we need help financially, etc) and then we will ask the $74,000 question...what do we do? concretely? practically? Which positions, if any, are NECESSARY? If we don't pay for these positions, who will do these ministries? specifically, not theoretically...and so on.

All of this has been messy and hard. It's fairly easy to capsize and summarize here, but not in life.

At the beginning of the post I said it has brought possibilities...and it has and those should not be forgotten. The reality is, if we had $74,000 in hand, we would be very likely to do everything we have been doing for the last 10 years just as we have been for the last 10 years. There would be no need to change. Not practically speaking anyway. But this "problem" forces our hand. It forces us to be creative and think outside the box. We have to think of ministry differently. Each member of the church has to think of him/herself in ministry differently and that has huge potential.

Of course, I'd love to have the money in hand. But not if it's going to cause us to keep doing what we've been doing. We need to change. Not because we are a bad church or unhealthy (we're not, it's one of the healthiest churches I've ever known...), but because nothing and no one and no church can flourish without changing. It has to happen. And, so this year, we get pruned back, so that in the spring we can blossom and grow in ways we haven't for quite a few years. And that to me, no matter how much my heart has hurt in these last few months, is a God thing.

Quote of the day

2010-11-29T07:43:00.000-08:00

"Every human interaction offers you the chance to make things better or to make things worse.

To decide to make things better can cost you bundles of self-interest.

To decide to make things worse generally feels a lot more powerful.

The only problem is that the power rolls away from you like a rogue wave,

as the person you slammed into finds someone else to slam into, and so on, and so on.

The good news is that you can set off the same sort of chain reaction with unwarranted kindness. Kindness is not a bad religion, no matter what name you use for God."

from An Altar in the World
by Barbara Brown Taylor, p. 114-115.

Wouldn't it be nice?

2010-11-28T07:39:00.000-08:00

"Wouldn't it be wonderful
if Advent came filled with angels and alleluias?

Wouldn't it be perfect

if we were greeted on these December mornings

with a hovering of heavenly hosts

tuning their harps and brushing up on their fa-la-la's?

Wouldn't it be incredible

if their music filled our waking hours
with the promise of peace on earth

and if each Advent night we dreamed of nothing but goodwill?

Wouldn't we be ecstatic

if we could take those angels shopping,

or trim the tree, or have them hold our hands

and dance through our houses decorating?

And oh, how glorious it would be

to sit in church next to an angel

and sing our hark-the-heralds!

What an Advent that would be!

What Christmas spirit we could have!

An angel-filled Advent has so many possibilities!

But in lieu of that,

perhaps we can give thanks

for the good earthy joys we have been given

and for the earthly "angels" that we know

who do such a good job of filling

our Advent with alleluias!

Ann Weems from Kneeling in Bethlehem, p. 16

Quote of the day

2010-11-22T07:41:00.000-08:00

"Repentance is not the same as remorse or regret. It is not listing all the ways things could have gone differently. It is not wishing you were a better person, that some things had never happened, that bad things wouldn’t keep happening to you. It’s not feeling guilty or ashamed. It’s not feeling afraid. It’s not something that leaves us stuck, or standing still, or spinning in circles, going nowhere. Repentance is about movement, letting yourself be grasped by God, getting new bearings, and relying on God for directions. The new life that follows repentance, the new direction that comes with a fresh start is what John was proclaiming in the wilderness. John’s message is a call to action: repent, turn around, accept help. God is coming to meet you on a road in the wilderness." The Rev. Amy E. Richter

Quote of the day

2010-11-21T07:35:00.000-08:00

"The Buddha compared getting angry
with picking up hot coals with bare hands
and trying to throw them at one's enemy. Who gets burnt first?
The one who's picking up the coals, of course - the one who is angry.
We may not even hit the target we are aiming at,
because if that person is clever and practiced enough, he'll duck -

and we shall still have burnt hands."

- Ayya Khema

Do you know me?

2010-11-20T19:34:00.000-08:00

I've been drowning in administration lately and haven't had the time, energy, or freedom to write like I have wanted. But as I prepare for Advent liturgies, I came across this and thought it was worth sharing.

Gender equality

2010-10-31T18:00:00.000-07:00

In college, I studied sociology. And, inevitably, in studying sociology, you study gender roles and household dynamics. There are various ways a household can be structured (as far as chores etc) and one of those is egalitarian (equal). Unfortunately, right now, I do not remember the others.

Needless to say that egalitarian is the one that stuck. I liked that one, one where husband and wife (or partner and partner) shared equally the chore responsibilities of the house. The inside jobs aren't "women's work" and the outside jobs aren't "men's work" or even vice versa. They are shared. The laundry, the dishes, the yard, the trash, the cleaning, all shared. I liked that theory but was not quite sure how it would actually work in terms of execution.

Well, I've been married 5 months now, and so far, we seem to run our house in an egalitarian way. I realize that in coming years, things may pan out differently, but for now, we both cook, we both clean, we both procrastinate against the laundry but do it anyway when there are no underwear or pants left in the drawer. The church pays for gardeners to do the lawn, but we share picking up dog poop, or weeding, or working in the garden. And I just have to say I really like it. I like the balance. I like knowing that we can share the responsibility and make it nice for the other person without always feeling the pressure of one job being specifically mine or his.

All of that is really just the foundation or back story so I can say this: despite the balance within our household, cultural norms are really hard to shake. The other day R did a bunch of cleaning in the kitchen and some laundry too I think, and while I was super appreciative, I couldn't shake the guilty feeling.

One of the first thoughts that came to mind was, "If I were better at keeping the house clean, he wouldn't have to do that." Now, keep in mind, we do well at balancing and that's my ideal (while recognizing that for others it's different), and yet the cultural notion that the housework is the woman's job would not leave me alone. I shared my guilt, and the notion that I knew I didn't need to feel guilty because the dishes and laundry are just as much his responsibility as they are mine. And he of course reassured me that it wasn't all my responsibility but that we both dirty dishes and clothes and so we both have an obligation to keep them clean.

I don't think I have a final point per say, other than to say it's complicated and we're learning together. And I'm grateful for a husband who is willing (not by coercion but by choice) to share those responsibilities so it doesn't feel like a constant battle on my side, but instead a regular balancing act on both our parts.

In other news...

2010-10-20T13:13:00.000-07:00

We're having a baby! Yep. I'm pregnant. It's early still, but as far as we're concerned, May can't come soon enough.

I'm not sure there's a "good" way to make this announcement online, if there is, would you please share so we know what to do for our next child?

Long before we were "going public" I started journaling privately about each week of pregnancy, what was new, what was different, what was difficult. We've known for just about 6 weeks and, to be honest, I have no idea (other than force) how we will survive the next 6+ months of waiting.

And in this moment, while it feels like there is everything to share, there is oddly a shortage of words and stories in my brain.

R was of course the first to know. And he was definitely anticipating and waiting for that news. So it wasn't a surprise, but he was super excited (still is actually) and we went out shopping and got him the what to expect books for dads. He's finished it and is either done or close to done with the first year book we also got (they came in a set of three, next is the toddler years). It's really cute. For the first couple of weeks, he would keep me up at night talking about the baby and what to do and what he wanted to learn first and how he would want/need help.

I can't imagine having anything besides an elated partner and though I longed for sleep, I was so thrilled at his enthusiasm and excitement that I wouldn't have traded it for a long winter's slumber.

We have shared the news with family (excitement there!) and with the church (a mixed bag that lacked enthusiasm at the personnel meeting but got cheering and clapping in worship), and have tried to get a hold of as many friends as possible.

To date, everything is par for the course...health, nausea, extra "fun" that needn't be explained here unless you're Heather Armstrong and don't write for church folks. =)

Hurry up and slow down

2010-10-19T16:06:00.000-07:00

It's the times I most feel like I need to hurry up and get stuff done that I really need to slow down and breathe. It seems counter-intuitive, and it probably is, but it's truth. At least in my life.

I live in a state of busyness. I tend to be always going somewhere, doing something, meeting someone. I'm busy. And most of the time, I like being busy. I feel more productive. I feel more focused.

But then, the momentum builds and a few projects becomes a ton of projects. And I feel further and further behind. And even when I check email a bazillion times a day, there are still more emails to answer and phone calls to return than I can even fathom.

And so I go harder and faster and do more and stay later at work and don't take the necessary breaks. Because somehow I've convinced myself that I can actually get it all done if I just work harder. Which, if you know anything about ministry (or just life in general?) is just plain laughable. Because you can never do it all. Never. No matter who you are or how productive, for every call you make, there is another one looming. Maybe not one you have to make, but one you could or should make. So, there you have it. You're behind. Again.

Well, maybe not you. But me. Because that's how I look at it. Critically. Like I can never do enough. I know it's not helpful and I know it's not healthy and on those rare occasions when I can slow down just enough, I can see that, but most of the time I just keep doing...

Well, this week I'm slowing down. I've schedule study days. Which also, as a consequence of always going, starts with slow down time where I lounge and nap, and sleep in and doddle because otherwise the studying feels like a punishment rather than a blessing.

So, here I am writing, because that's what I get to do when I slow down. And, as usual, all the burdens and unaccomplished tasks crash into my brain and my ego just enough to hurt. And long enough to remind me that I shouldn't only have this time every now and again, but weekly, with my regular sabbath days.

It's my time to slow down. It's my time to think and pray and listen. To read and to write. And to hope that after 3 days of study time and a day of sabbath that my soul will feel renewed.

Apologetixs advertisement

2010-09-08T11:01:00.000-07:00

Did you know that many of our “traditional hymns” written by John and Charles Wesley, weren’t so “traditional” in their day. They actually took the tunes of bar tunes (don’t believe us… check the instructions for singing in the front of your hymnals!) and changed the words to become Christian hymns. In other words, the notes were familiar and the words were new. John and Charles used “pop culture” of their day to promote sacred singing. Well, there’s a modern variation on such a practice, and Apologetix does it. They call themselves a parody band, we’d say they’re old fashioned Methodists! Come join us for a wonderful (and comical) Apologetix concert Saturday November 6^th at 7:00pm at Wesley UMC in Riverside. It’s $10 presale and $15 at the door. Tickets can be ordered by calling 951-966-6161 or by emailing pastor@riversideumc.com . Or they can be ordered online at: http://www.apologetix.com/concerts/concerts-details.php?concert_id=134817

For more information on Apologetix or to get a taste of their music visit: http://www.apologetix.com/music/music.php

Sovereign God

2010-09-06T21:04:00.000-07:00

A lot is said about the sovereignty of God. Most Christians would proclaim that God is sovereign. I think I would too, but I’d say it’s conditional.

Let me explain. I’ve never been able to get behind those that ALWAYS proclaim (no matter the circumstances) that what happens must be the will of God since God is sovereign. Drunk driving accident where someone is killed….must have been the will of God. Death of a child….must have been the will of God. Death of a spouse because of cancer only months after marriage….must have been the will of God.

I don’t buy that. Yes, I believe that God is powerful. But I do not believe that God is the only agent acting in the world. We are acting in the world, and God has given us free will, which means we have the opportunity to choose either for or against God’s will for our lives. So, therefore if we choose against God’s will, then the consequences of our actions would not be in line with God’s will (like the drunk driving accident).

There is also the power of evil and the consequences of our collective sins acting in the world—we would most often translate that as the corruption of our world (either our humanity or our natural world). In that sense, I would say that biology happens. Sickness is a symptom of the brokenness of our world. So, I would say that cancer or disease or even a miscarriage is a consequence of the brokenness of the human condition (not the result or consequence for an individual’s personal sin, but sort of the consequence for the power of sin in our world).

There is also another agent acting in our world: the enemy/devil. Talking about the devil can be a touchy subject and is arguable for many people. When I say the “devil” or the “enemy” I don’t mean the red man with horns and a tail and a pitchfork, but instead a powerful doer of evil who has “recruited” (for lack of a better word) others to be a part of his cause against the will of God. Now, most often, we need to be complicit for the enemy to be truly effective, but the powerful temptations of the devil are strong and often hard to resist, so to say we must be complicit isn’t always saying much.

So, yes, as creator of the earth and the one who sets all things in motion, God is sovereign, but in the sense that God has relinquished God’s own power by giving us power of our own means that God is no longer fully sovereign. Could God take that power back? Probably. Would God take it back? Not likely.

So, at this stage in the game, where we have free will, the devil has plenty going on, and there are the consequences of our collective sin acting upon the world...is God fully sovereign???

Life at 100 MPH and pastor's guilt

2010-08-30T08:35:00.000-07:00

I missed church yesterday. I wasn't feeling great Saturday (but thought it was probably because I had walked 7.5 miles in the wee hours of the morning as part of our Jericho Walk--a walk around our city block we had been doing all week...we did once around the other 6 days and 7 times around yesterday as we prayed for schools, churches, homes, businesses, and the general welfare of the people and the community) but then I woke up yesterday feeling cruddy. I was pushing through finishing my sermon and continued to feel worse and worse. I went and asked R what he thought (still sleeping, he just shrugged), so I called home. My dad answered and I told him my dilemma and he said I should stay home. I hesitated because I didn't feel like I was dying or anything, I could have made it through service but also knew that if I went there was a possibility I could get others sick or get worse myself. But I decided to follow his advice and stay home. So, I started making calls. Called someone who could easily lead an impromptu service, called my SPRC chair so he would know, called the music folks to give them a heads up, called the appointment I had to cancel, etc.

And I stayed in bed. I cannot tell you the level of guilt involved with missing Sunday service. It's not healthy. I know perfectly well they can go on without me and be just fine. It's not that I think I'm that important that they'd have to cancel church if I weren't there. But it just doesn't seem right missing Sunday worship. I didn't run to Disneyland and I wasn't feigning sick. The needs and concerns were legitimate, but man, it was tough. I prayed for them as I marked time and I also got a good bit of work done as I lay in bed unable to sleep. But even today I feel guilty.

After all was said and done, the impromptu worship leader sent me an email reporting back what had happened and what some of the prayer concerns were etc and in one she told me that a man (whom I love dearly and who has special needs and has been in the hospital out of town with problems for weeks now) still needs prayers and that he feels like I have forgotten him. Boy howdy did that cut right to my heart.

Talk about guilt. It's not that I haven't wanted to make the 20 mile drive out there. It's not that I wasn't on my way one day when his wife called and said it wasn't a good day to go. And despite the fact that this is our "sabbath month" it's not like I haven't done anything. So, as I tried to figure out if I really was busy or if I was just a bad pastor I did a run down on what has been happening all month such that I haven't made it out there:

Summer camp (which I dean and write curriculum for)
the biggest funeral in the history of my church (also a close friend of ours)
lots of pastoral care for the family of the deceased
a TON of administration--trying to get organized, trying to plan for the next year and a half of ministry
tons of pastoral care in general
two folks with MAJOR back surgery
a husband who is sick and various tests for him (problem still undiagnosed)
a 3 day mini vacation to maintain my sanity
mission planning
life

that's about it, as far as the big stuff goes. It doesn't seem like much in print, but it was time consuming. Good ministry that didn't allow much for me taking 2 hours to run out of town for a visit. I've done it at other times for other people, so it's not that I won't do it, just that life hasn't allowed for that right now.

But as I look at that list, I see how much has gone on during the "easy" sabbath month. It's a lot. There hasn't been much that was easy. And I see how busy life is, how fast life is, how much is going on.

Last Friday I took sabbath. Really took sabbath. I didn't eek in any calls (maybe one or two emails...) and I didn't work with R to help him out. I stayed home. And I just laid on the couch and tried to listen to my soul. I tried to listen for what I really wanted/needed to do that day--that's what I used to do, just wake up on sabbath and feel for what I wanted to do that day. And that laying there, just listening was hard. I had a 100 things pop into my mind that I could do, but all of them were about productivity of one sort or another and so I had to silence them. I needed to not be productive for a day. I needed to not be worried about efficiency or output or any of those work-like things. I needed to rest. So I did. I curled up on the couch and slept until lunch and then spent the rest of the day relaxing and lounging with my husband.

Ministry is a complicated and busy job. Much more than the "easy Sundays" people assume. It is also a job that requires a solid reality check...you can only do so much. You should only do so much. Some times folks won't get a visit. Sometimes you will have to let someone down. Sometimes you won't be enough. Sometimes you will fail. And that's ok. It's all part of the job (the successes and the "failures"). Take time to breathe anyway. You need your rest. You need to stop and slow down enough to hear your soul (and to silence that incessant impulse to always do something).

Organic worship

2010-08-29T17:37:00.000-07:00

We are in a process of visioning for the future at my church (a serious change from the week to week or maybe month to month mode of operation we have currently).

At annual conference I had an epiphany of what the "vision" might look like. Some of the things I listed were:

Biblically literate members

Faithful stewardship

(of both private and corporate resources; as well as ministries sustained by tithing not fundraisers)

Worship music diversity

College ministry

Organic worship experiences

Passionate about prayer

Local mission

Global mission project (school, orphanage, hospital)

Music in worship that attracts quality musicians

New worship service

A justice ministry that addresses an institutional issue (immigration, homelessness, human trafficking, domestic violence, substance abuse, etc)

When my church council reviewed the list, multiple people asked me what "organic worship" meant. I tried to define it, but struggled a bit. But last week I had clarity (in words) about what I meant. What I mean by organic worship is worship that is planned and centered around the scripture/theme of the worship service, rather than simply plugged into the routine order of worship.

I like good liturgy and I appreciate an order of worship and even appreciate a predictability to worship so that it is comfortable and helps me feel at ease in another church. I also appreciate variance so that we don't get so stuck that anything "new" or "different" is vigilantly rejected. I also like that variance allows me to feel comfortable in a variety of different churches with different styles of worship and I am not limited to just those denominations and churches that worship like me.

I would love for us to be able to have organic worship at my church. It takes a good deal more thought and planning, but is so much more meaningful and impactful! But, I have a feeling that such a switch would bring about some serious revolt from the pews. I know that's not a reason to give up the idea all together. But it is a reason to proceed with caution. I am not a "switch it for what's best and they'll get over it" kind of pastor. I am the type who likes to go one step at a time, with a big step outside the box every once in awhile to warm people up to new ideas and ways of doing church. I want people to be on board and supportive, not feeling isolated, rejected, and forgotten as the "church moves on without [them]".

Quote of the day

2010-08-28T15:08:00.001-07:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." The above speech by Nelson Mandela was originally written by Marianne Williamson who is the author of other similar material.

Care for your marriage

2010-08-25T14:45:00.000-07:00

I'm continuing to read in The Church Leaders' Answer Book and read this morning about fostering a healthy marriage. They had check in questions that go beyond the basics. I'm not sure why exactly they are so different for husbands and wives, but they are...

Men to women:

Are there ever times when you feel afraid of me?
Is there anything that makes you feel disappointed in me?
Do you feel angry with me in ways that are significantly hurting our relationship?
Do I know how to connect with you on a deep level?
Do you believe that I understand who you really are as a woman?
Do you feel relaxed in the safety of my strength? Are you able to be yourself with me?
Do you see me pursuing God with truth and urgency?
Do I give more of my attention and energy to others than I do to you?
Have I done anything this week that has closed your spirit toward me?
What is the one topic we have never discussed?

Women to men:

Do you feel that I deeply believe in you?
Do I show honor and respect to you in public and at home?
Do I initiate physical intimacy enough to prove my attraction to you?
Are you convinced of my admiration of you?
Do I make you feel like my hero?
Have I told you often enough how much I find you physically attractive?
Have I done anything this week that has closed your spirit to me?
Are you aware of how much I pray for you?

If you know me, I don't like strict gender roles (and it also doesn't help that this book is written as if men are the only pastors out there....) so I'm inclined to mix and match the questions to what is most relevant and I think it's just as important for women to place their husband first as it is for men to place their wife first and for women to know their spouse is attracted to them as it is for men, and for each to know the other admires and respects them. AND for a wife to know how much her husband prays for her...why that question is one sided, I will never know....

A checkup for Change

2010-08-24T18:06:00.000-07:00

I was reading through sections of The Church Leader's Answer Book today and found this section helpful. We are in the midst of visioning and planning for our future and I found the section on fostering spiritual health during a time of change helpful (pp 136-137). Here is their "check up for change". They say, "as you go through a time of change, have a health and wellness checklist for your leaders to use each time they meett. You might begin with these:"

1) are we praying faithfully, asking the Lord to reveal spiritual diseases and injuries that might spread in teh congregation during this time of change?

2) are we as leaders pursuing "peace...and holiness" during this time (Hebrews 12:14)? Are we avoiding anyone's gripes or hurt because we'd rather not face those issues? Do wee need to address a brooding conflict between people?

3) what are the main concerns of those who are not enthusiastic about the change we're going through? Have we talked with them? have we prayed about these concerns in case the Lord shares this point of view?

4) Where is the Holy Spirit moving in our congregation this month? Is there anything more we should do to guide people? How shall we commend the congregation for evidences of grace and faith?

5) Where do we see sin or Satan gaining the upper hand? Is a failure to pursue peace and holiness blocking God's grace, or is a poisonous attitude taking root among us (Hebrews 12:14-15)? How should we address this?

Amish Grace

2010-08-23T11:41:00.000-07:00

I've started reading Amish Grace the story of the massacre of the 5 Amish school girls in 2006. As the title indicates, the book is less about the shooting and more abou the grace filled response of the Amish. It has an interesting chapter on forgiveness where the Amish acts of forgiveness are highlighted and underscored. Included are some of the crituques of that same forgiveness--people that felt the forgiveness approach was too soft, that it lacked justice.

As I continued reading, I was better able to sift through my thoughts. Forgiveness and justice are two different things. Forgiveness, typically, affects the offended party most dramatically. It may affect the relationship with the offender, but it may not. More deeply though i will affect the heart of the offended.

It's a hard case to evaluate fully as Roberts, the shooter, also shot himself--so we can't see how the forgiveness might affect him. Though the Amish may not have pressed charges were he alive, the local DA likely would have. The thing to remember is that forgiveness does not deny justice. It denies retaliation. There's a difference. I don't think the Amish response would have impeded the court process, but I do think it would have tempered it--no call for the death penalty (after all a trademark of grace is that there is ALWAYS the possibility of redemption). And there likely would not have been a civil suit to follow seeking financial reparations (or even emotional ones for that matter as those too would have been included in the forgiveness offered).

I do believe that the Amish response would have affected Robert in striking ways. Forgiveness is healing and redemptive and to be truly touched by forgiveness after having committed a wrong can bring someone into true awareness of what they've done. And that can often bring about strong feelings of guilt and shame, but if further blessed by grace (as I am sure Roberts would have been in this situation) ultimately would have led to healing, repentance, and likely reconciliation. It would have been powerful to witness and likely would have challenged the critics in impressive ways.

On occasion, our legal system, or at least the prison system still touts its original goals of restoration. However, most, (if not all) of those with true awareness about the realities of prison will tell you it's all but restorative. There is very little that is redemptive inside those walls.

Now, sadly, Roberts likely would have suffered great injury n prison, especially for having killed children, but if he could have been spared that--he might have come through the process in a more redemptive way. Maybe that a bit too much idealism for what really transpires within the system, but hopefully you get my point--in a system bereft of most things restorative being held and attended to by Amish grace would have drastically changed the circumstances.

A wife's prayer

2010-08-15T20:00:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

Please help me learn how to be a good wife. Teach me to be compassionate, understanding, and selfless that I may love my husband as fully as you love him. Show me how I might love him better. Help me to have thicker skin so that I am not so easily hurt without becoming numb or desensitized to the problems we face together. Continue to knit us together as a team, Lord. Teach us how to be humble and reliant on you first and one another second. Help us to be an example of your love and your covenant. Bless our home. Protect us from injury, illness, and harm. Show us the path you would have us walk together that we might more fully do your will. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

sermon prayer

2010-08-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

Help me to focus this morning, not on myself but on you O God that your Word will be proclaimed and that you would be glorified. Inspire me to write the sermon that your people need to hear. Help me release my own agenda so that I might solely cling to yours. Make me your spokesperson. Make my words your words and your message my message. In Jesus' name. Amen.

The Mean One

2010-08-03T17:23:00.000-07:00

On more than one occasion, I have been told that people think I am mean. Not that I am mean, not that they know me to be mean, but rather that they believe that I would be mean. It's a perception.

In many ways, it's not one I understand. I'm a fairly nice person--at least that's what they always used to write in my yearbooks. And most people that actually know me love me, which may not preclude me from being mean, but I'd assume that if I were really mean people wouldn't love me as much. But maybe I'm wrong on that note.

Anyway, to the point, I'm at summer camp deaning and yet again I have been told that people are afraid of me. People, I assume, are intimidated. Now, like I said, on the one hand, I don't understand it, but on the other one...I do.

1) My friends used to think my dad was mean. Not that they actually knew him, but his confident, quiet, presence was intimidating, they didn't know how to respond, and just assumed he was mad. But really, my dad is a super sweet teddy bear of a man. He's not mean. He's never lifted a hand, or even raised his voice to me. (He's cleared his throat more than a few times, but that's a different story). So, I could make an associate and see how when I am in a leadership role and regularly reminding people of the rules and many of the campers don't get the chance to actually get to know me because I'm not in their cabin or a small group that they would assume I am mean.

2) Most of the women who have affected deep change in me along the way have been "mean." They have been intimidating women who demanded excellence. When I was under their tutelage, I was scared on more than one occasion. But they were also the women I respected the most and who pushed me to be the best I could be and do the best work I could do (in as much as I could be pushed at those respective stages...). And, in many ways, along my way to becoming who I am, I have aspired to be like them, so it's no wonder that I would be considered "mean" if that's the goal I was aspiring to reach! =)

Now, having said all of that, I don't want to be considered mean. I want to be accessible to the youth. I want them to know they can count on me. I want them to know that I love them and care about them.

At camp, for many years, I have longed to be the popular one. And then the other night when I mentioned it in prayer, God lovingly responded...I didn't call you to be the popular one. I called you to be you.

So, I guess that means the one perceived as mean, but who really loves people...this week I am practicing being me.

The Other Kind of Grief

2010-07-30T21:13:00.000-07:00

Most of the time, we think of grief in terms of death. But there are other forms of grief too. We grieve all kinds of losses (both good and bad). We grieve when there is a divorce, a breakup, the loss of a job, the loss of trust, the loss of physical or mental abilities. We grieve unrealized dreams. We also grieve good things, we may grieve when we get married because we are no longer single. Or we may grieve as new parents, lamenting the freedoms we once knew while celebrating the amazing miracle of new life. We may grieve during a promotion because we don't have the same relationship with colleagues. We grieve all the time--almost daily even, big and small things. (or at least we should take the time to grieve those things, otherwise they weigh on us and continue to hurt our hearts).

I'm in one of those should grieve but haven't stages. For the last 3 years I have had the privilege of working with my spiritual mentor, friend, and pastor GP as co-dean for summer camp. By privilege, I mean immeasurable and indescribable blessing. GP is an amazing pastor and he has taught me so much, and accompanied me through many difficult transitions in my life and in my ministry. He told me last year, in confidence, that he would not be returning to camp this year because he would be moving to his home conference to be closer to his mother. So, in a sense, I've had plenty of time to grieve. Only, the part where it was "in confidence" really meant I couldn't talk about it with folks. There was no last goodbye from the campers (nor from me either), there were none of those "lasts" (at least not in the marked and special sense) to help me tap my grief and gain closure over a soon-to-be deeply felt loss.

Well, in recent weeks, as the pressure has been on to get ready for camp, I have missed GP greatly. Don't get me wrong, I have a great new co-dean with amazing gifts of his own who brings a whole new dynamic to camp--something to be cherished. But, if you know much about grief, having one doesn't have much to do with not having the other. No matter how much I enjoy or learn from the new co-dean, he's not GP, and that's the loss to be mourned. But instead of allowing myself to feel deeply how much I appreciate GP, I have busied myself with all the work of preparing for camp. On occasion, I have tried talking about my frustrations with folks, but it has not been to much avail. Most have responded, yep, that's life, now move on and finish getting ready. I understand their responses and I don't fault them for it. It's only that I've wanted to grieve. I've wanted to talk about all those things I miss and all the fears I have because I won't have my mentor there (after all, when there is a senior elder/mentor/pastor it takes a bit of the pressure off...he was the default guy, now I'm the default gal and I so don't feel ready for that ~~burden~~ responsibility). It's lame in a sense, since I know I can do the job. We've shared responsibilities for 3 years, I've done pretty much every aspect at one point or another. But then again, grief isn't logical. Lame or not, that's how I feel. I liked our rhythms (which did take time to develop). I liked the way we leaned on each other and were able to fill whatever gaps needed filling. I wasn't desiring such a major change.

The ironic part to me is that normally I tend to be an agent of change. I tend to be the one to shake things up--intentionally and unintentionally. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm rocking the boat, it just works out that way. So all of this feels like Karma. A new dean. New expectations. New ideas. New ways of doing things. The new things are good. I'm not knocking what's new. It's just that I had gotten comfortable. Apparently too comfortable. It's one of those lessons where when I step back I go, oh yeah, I got so comfortable that I started leaning on my own skills (and those of others I knew) that I wasn't opening myself fully for God to do God's thing. After all, when you don't need God, you don't seek God and when you don't seek God, you don't find God. Not that God isn't there, only that it's hard to find something you aren't looking for. I mean, for me, it's hard for me to find the new thing God is trying to do in me when I'm not needing to try any new things. And so I get stuck in my ways and hardly change at all, until my co-dean is reappointed out from under my comfort zone and I get a whole slew of new things....

Sermon Prayer

2010-07-27T10:40:00.000-07:00

Heavenly Lord,

please give me the message you would have me deliver.

Please clarify for me what is happening in this passage

and how it relates to us.

Teach me O Lord.

Empty me of my own agenda and my eisegesis.

Fill me with your Spirit and your holy Word.

Shine your light on my mind

that I may truly understand your holy Word.

Amen.

10 things

2010-07-16T09:21:00.000-07:00

I work with a lot of people each and every week. Sometimes in worship. Sometimes in meetings. Sometimes in classes. Sometimes in counseling.

One thing I have noticed is how hard it is for people to accept how beloved we are. We can easily judge ourselves and one another. We can easily write the laundry list of all those things we can't do or don't do well, but really struggle to write the list of what we do well.

Self-esteem is an issue for a lot of people, particularly women (though I think the issue is equal for men, only that women are free to articulate that self-esteem is an issue). One thing I have found myself doing more and more is encouraging people to name 10 good things about themselves. I have them take a sheet of paper and number 1-10 and then write 10 good things about themselves.

Surprisingly, everyone struggles. Some folks give one or two, others may make it to 5 or 6 and then almost without fail, they stop. They don't know what else to put. So, I throw out possibilities and tell them to choose those that seem relevant. (intelligent, creative, honest, loyal, persevering, determined, helpful, kind, gracious, merciful, funny, thoughtful, helpful, empathetic, sympathetic, risk taker, joyful, faithful, etc).

Then, typically, I have them number 11-20 and have them do it all over again. Most roll their eyes or groan and look at me like I am the meanest task master ever (which is ok since rumor has it that I am 40 times more demanding than my dad) ;) But they do it. Resentful, but they do it.

Then I have them number 21-30 and write down 10 things they are good at (it can be simple or profound). Laundry. dishes. gardening. cooking. photography. cleaning toilets. mowing the lawn. music. playing an instrument. reading. teaching. learning. biking. skiing. the list goes on.

And then, 31-40. 10 experiences that have helped shaped them. Again this can be simple or profound. This can be places you've traveled. Places you've lived. Being the eldest/youngest/middle child. Cultural heritage. The languages you speak. The schools you've attended. Anything that has shaped you. Accidents. Illnesses. Awards. Anything that has made you into the person you are.

Then if they are really lucky I might have them number another 5-10 and list physical attributes about themselves that they like.

I want people to see how amazing they are. What an incredible package God has helped make them to be. I also want them to have all kinds of affirmations on the ready when those self-defeating and self-deprecating comments come to mind.

So, give it a try. If you're brave, do the whole set!

Spritual Authority

2010-06-22T23:02:00.000-07:00

Today I was sharing with a friend and community organizer. We talked about some of the issues we've been having at the church in the last few months and she mentioned my "spiritual authority" and asked if anyone in the church had similar authority. I mentioned some prayer warriors and she explained that wasn't what she meant...she meant like in hierarchy or ranking that those who are higher have greater spiritual authority.

I could follow what she was saying, but to be honest the language and idea is pretty foreign to me. In all honesty, spiritual warfare and spiritual authority is not something that came up much in churches growing up. It wasn't really until I was in ministry and working with my spiritual mentor that I began to touch on some of these things. That's only been within the last 4 years.

And while I'm good on some fronts, there are others that are very strange lands to me.

After our discussion this friend prayed for me, something for which I am super grateful. But I also walked away with a lot of questions. Do I have greater authority in spiritual matters than others in my congregation? I would say I have more training, more learning, and often more understanding about the Bible, or prayer, or theology, but power? Do I have more power than another? Does the DS or the Bishop have greater power still? Would my prayers actually be more efficacious in matters pertaining to my church than someone else's? If so, would the converse (or evil side) be true? As in, would the consequences and repercussions for my sins be greater than those of another? (Not that I'm trying to sin, but I have a guilt complex as it is....)

I asked R what his thoughts are (he comes from a more charismatic tradition) and he said I absolutely have more authority at my church as it is a divine appointment--I'm not willy-nilly there (now, I believe God truly placed me here, but I have to admit that the skeptic in me has to wonder about ALL Methodist appointments...I know God uses us regardless, but I am not always convinced that each appointment is THE one God had in mind...) And as such, I have full authority over my flock. Not that they don't have responsibility in praying for the church and the church people, but that somehow I have more spiritual power. Now, he doesn't agree that the DS or bishop have more spiritual authority than others--simply that they are pastors too and would have equal power. And he definitely wasn't ready to jump on board that *Name* has full authority over all of Riverside county.

To be honest, I don't know how to think about all of it. Like I said, it's a new conversation for me. I REALLY want to call my spiritual mentor and get his input and wisdom but he's taking a move this year and I don't want to disturb him, but I might have to send a note for "when there's time".

I don't know, what are your thoughts?

Wedding tips

2010-06-22T22:51:00.000-07:00

We did it! We are officially married! (We even got the marriage certificate to prove it!)

Now, after 3 weeks of reflection, there are some things I'm super glad we did and others I wish we had done. For what it's worth:

Glad we:

Hired a quality photographer who did more than just the standard shots
Did a photo guest book, putting a face with a name can be hard enough, let alone just trying to remember a person with no photo after years of marriage.
Did pictures ahead of time.
Had family and friends in for most of the week before the actual wedding, it was great to spend time with them!
Took time out for extra fun stuff. Going to an angels' game, definitely a good plan!

Took crazy pictures on the trampoline...not many folks get to do that and it's something fun and memorable.

Took 2 full weeks off (well, I got to anyway, but we got to enjoy Mexico AND camp in the mountains)
Wrote as many thank you notes as possible before the wedding. We were VERY blessed and have many notes to write. Knowing most of the "pre" gifts were acknowledged is super helpful.
Got the wedding band Grandma was insistent I have...I love it!
Got to dance with the kids at the reception...those were my favorite memories as a child, I hope they are for them too.
Invited lots of people to join the celebration!
Included family in the service (wedding party and liturgy)
Designed our own liturgy and veered from the beaten path...I wasn't sure how I'd feel not using the traditional words, but I think it came out great!
Took the time to take the family shots!
had people who were diligent enough to tape cards to gifts so that they didn't get mixed up in the transport.

Wish we had:

blocked more time in advance for pictures--they took longer than I expected.
Planned a longer reception, I was amazed at how little time I had with people
Had someone (not the professional) with one of our cameras to take pictures of us with folks in the receiving line. People with cameras took pictures, but I would have appreciated having pictures with the other folks too, and would really like to have been able to send folks those shots.
Expressed some expectations more clearly, some folks weren't available for pictures when they needed to be or changed out of formal wear far too early for our expectations and hopes.
Made better dinner plans for ourselves the night of the wedding, or gone ahead with room service even though it was pricey rather than R walking MILES to find Denny's and bring dinner back.
More time to spend with the folks we invited
Pictures of everyone that was there. Despite the picture guestbook, not everyone was photographed, I'm bummed about that.
Asked (paid?) someone to take lots of candid and fun shots of all the guests at the reception. The photographer did a great job, but focused on us, not them and again I wish I had more pics of the folks who were there.
More words to express how grateful we are for all those who celebrated with us and make our day wonderful.
Been able to actual try the food and eat something! (ok, so we got a 2 bites each, plus one bite of cake, that was it--at least my dad had warned me!)

**I'm sure there are more things, but this what I have in mind for now.

Financial Follow-up

2010-06-22T10:45:00.000-07:00

Special thanks to Dr. Tony, Larry, and Jim who all responded to the "Is it Me, or....?" post. Each of them asked good and healthy questions for any church leaders and I wanted to respond to those and then give an update.

1) The concert was not a fundraiser for the church. Instead it was a fundraiser for our mission work on the Gulf Coast--over and above what we spend to send people down there and apart from our general operating budget. We do have various fundraisers throughout the year, but they are not to sustain the ministries of the church--that comes from regular stewardship and tithing, instead they go to new or special ministries. (Though as a note, I would like for us to get to a place where our regular budget even covers "special" things).

2) The finance chair has been up on all the happenings. The trouble was not inattention, but rather one month of pronounced shortfall.

3) We are a 100% church, meaning we pay 100% of our apportionments each year. This comes off the top and is a commitment our church has had for years, with many thanks to HS who led us in that faithful stewardship.

4) We have a growing membership with new visitors each week. That being said, with many new folks, they aren't always financially committed to the church, but begin with attendance. We do do a regular stewardship campaign in the fall and encourage people to step up in giving each year.

5) Ever since I began full time ministry, I have tithed 10% and above. I believe that it grounds my faith journey and allows me to preach with integrity when it comes to tithing and stewardship.

6) Larry asked if we have integrity in our spending, I believe we do. Since I arrived, we have been working to shore up our accounting and do the required audits. We are faithful in that we do not spend more than we have, which is in many cases how we were able to stay in the black last year. That said, while we are faithful in how we spend God's money, we are looking at doing some new and different things so that we might better be able to grow the church with a strong financial foundation undergirding our work.

Now, as an update. I went to annual conference and spoke with a friend/colleague and she shared that when she got to her church they had a debt of $500,000---$250,000 owed to the contractor, over and above the mortgage, and $250,000 to the city. When I heard that I thought, "I would have cried and walked away." But then she went on to share how they negotiated some of the costs and paid it off. Then, we heard from our guest pastor from Korea about how they had raised $10,000,000 then $5,000,000 then $25,000,000 in order to grow the church and expand facilities. That pretty much just blows my mind. I know many churches have done and will do that, but it floors me.

I was humbled to hear their stories. Really, our $2000 seemed like the widows mite in comparison. I was struck with the need to pray for God to cover our needs and for us/me to truly turn this fully over to God.

Last week our secretary shared that we had received $1000 for the shortfall, this week I heard we had received another check for $1000. Then I was handed a $2000 check from someone else. She is relatively new to the church, but wanted to help too, so we applied some of that to the general budget to keep us a bit ahead of the curve and the rest to the concert shortfall.

I was amazed and awed at how quickly God provided when I stopped stressing and simply handed it over. I know it's simple and obvious, but money stuff makes me anxious and it was hard to just trust that it would be covered. But God has deepened my faith and challenged me in my faithfulness.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!!!

Quote of the day

2010-06-15T17:34:00.001-07:00

Today's quote makes me rethink the earlier post:

"You challenge me Debbie. It's one of the things I love about you, but you scare me."

(then we both laughed)

Is it me or....?

2010-06-15T15:25:00.000-07:00

So, finance stuff has been tight (and tough) lately (at the church I mean). We knew before the fiscal year started that we would need to make some major budget changes and that the way do money now, in the long haul, would not take us where we need to be. So we brought in a new finance chair to help us make the changes that we need.

I don't know if you've tried it or not, but overhauling the budget is not an easy process. It's messy and tedious and Loooooooong. But we're working at it.

Well, in the meantime, we've hit a shortfall. I don't think it's because of anything specific (maybe it is...?) but I think it's more that the economy has finally caught up with us. Last year we were relatively unaffected, but this year we've hit the red zone. It's not huge and it's no where near where I know other churches have dipped to, but it is troublesome and worrisome and all that bad stuff, so we brought it to the light with the larger congregation and asked for some help to get caught up.

Then, sort of at the same time, we put on our big concert event (which we had hope to have at least 2000 for but were prepared for as many as 5000), except we only ended up with 500, which meant we didn't even break even. So next to the plea for help with the regular budget, we have a request in the church newsletter to help pay off our loans that paid for the event (made by church members). The event as a whole had gone really well and the things we had control over were smooth and great! But it is hard to keep people seeing that when there is a financial shortfall.

So, people are now talking (probably more like murmuring because I'm not hearing it....not directly anyway, not yet, but I have been on a honeymoon until yesterday...) and they are worried that the church is in financial trouble (and somehow when people hear that they freeze and don't want to give money because they think we'll plunder it or something...it's odd really...or maybe not so odd since that's what many of us think when someone asks us for cash...we fear they've already mismanaged their funds to get in the place they are and we don't want to "waste" money in such a way....)

Anyway, I spoke with a church leader today and he said "we need your help to get us out of this." and I thought, "good, at least they trust me to help with this." But I also couldn't help but wonder if it's my fault. Is it my fault that I helped lead a committee into putting on a big event that was so big that maybe it caused us to fall? Some interpreted the obstacles we hit along the way to the concert as God's warning to try and keep us from experiencing the "failure" of the concert; and yet others interpreted those same obstacles as the enemy trying to prevent an amazing event from happening in God's name. Which is it? Did I ignore God's warnings? Or did I see the enemy at work and encourage (rightly?) for folks to keep doing what we felt called to do in faith? and who is to blame? or do we blame anyone?

What about the general shortfalls of the church....are those my fault? Am I supposed to be doing something different? I'm guessing they are not my fault...though maybe I should do something different...(and I'm guessing that if I let myself believe that they are and I were to be in a church that was $20,000 in the hole or $40,000 in the hole that I might hurt myself or quit the ministry...so I probably shouldn't play into that....) But regardless, I can't help but wonder how I'm (as a still pretty green pastor) supposed to help my church out of financial trials and I am wondering how God offers guidance and discernment in these areas.

Any thoughts? Or even educated guesses?

How am I doing now?

2010-06-15T08:05:00.000-07:00

In January 2009 I learned that I would interview with the Board of Ordained Ministry to be ordained as an elder in full connection. I wouldn't interview until March, but asked for prayers as soon as I got the notice.

This was one of the responses:

Dear Sister Debbie,

You've got them! Thanks for giving us targets we can aim our prayers. [Wife] and I and our family do pray, telling God how thankful we are for sending you here. For a long time, we have wondered what was wrong with us. Now we are asking why are we so blessed. Thank you. We do have so many blessings to be grateful about. You are so young and we are so old. Still, you charge in and make us stretch ourselves and to keep pushing the limit further out. Thank you. I am especially impressed that the homeless in our community have begun to find us (well, many of us) to be welcoming and accepting of who they are. You know you have made some of us to remember and accept who we are and whose we are. Relax, Pastor, know that God hears all of our prayers, including yours and that the good work he has started at Wesley in you is a long way from finished. We know that you are good for us. I pray that the growth you are inspiring in us will make us good for you. We are looking forward to attending your ordination.

Joy to you my sister,

[Parishioner]
PS. I probably will never write to you like this again, but it does feel good.

I'm not sure what made me look for this email the other day, but I did and was touched by it again. I was and am awed by such a thoughtful note from a cherished church member. But in reading it Saturday, I had to ask myself if I was still really doing such a good job. I don't think I'm doing a bad job, or even that I'm slacking, but in some ways I don't feel very prophetic.

I don't feel like I'm challenging people as much any more. I suppose if I were fair, I'd say that I am challenging people differently. And, if I were REALLY fair, I'd say that people shouldn't be challenged all the time...that there should be some time to reflect and grow and be with God rather than always having to change. In the beginning, I think I (and my ways) was so new and different that lots of things were challenging to the congregation, not because I meant them to be, but simply because I do things differently. And during the 2nd 6 months that I was here, I preached for a couple months on "Stepping out in faith to show God's love" and on people in the Bible who had risked for the sake of their faith. I encouraged people to be in ministry in new and different ways. This year, I have been more focused on developing leadership (a much more challenging prospect if I can say so....) I've also been focused on some major staffing and administrative issues that have come up that have not allowed me as much time to be creative in the ways I preach or do things in the church.

I don't know. I'm probably just rambling here. I feel like I'm ready for the next thing in the church (well, maybe after I finish sorting out some of the administrative mess) but I don't know exactly what that would be. I don't feel like I'm inspiring people or bringing about the growth I would like, but don't know what I should be doing differently. I feel like I need a mentor again, someone to process with and guide me in some sort of concrete direction. Or maybe I just need to listen and pray more and see where it is God wants me to go....

To do or not to do...

2010-06-14T15:03:00.000-07:00

...that is the question. I'm the type of person who likes to be busy. I really don't do well being idle (even at parties thrown for me, I prefer to help and serve and clean up). I find that I am more productive when there is more on my plate (not less).

Though you could probably say that for the last few months my plate has been a bit too full which has impeded the true quality of my work....hopefully that will shift now that the big things are over and I can fall into a "normal" (whatever that is) routine again at work.

Anyway, back to the point of the post....in being a busy person, I am generally quick to say yes to things (hence the over committed side of my life). I also tend to be the type that is invited to do lots of things for lots of people. Every time I turn around I am being asked to do something new. Now, in many ways, it's flattering. Really, it's nice to have a good reputation and for people to want me to help with their project (or board or committee or whatever). On the other hand, it seems like my name is just a good name to throw out there whenever they need a young pastor for a job or when they need someone ready to say yes.

In other words, I get a lot of requests. I am finally (it only took me four years in full time ministry) trying to be more discerning about where I say yes and where I say no.

Though I have to be honest, in the last 3 weeks, I've been trying to discern one such decision and I have a leaning, but I'm not totally sure that it's true discernment and not just my gut. I think I need to go back to MEM's advice and actually write things down and use the Ignatius Method of Discernment.

Recipe of the day

2010-06-12T23:24:00.000-07:00

I got home and wanted to bake today. I have a pack of dates that were left by someone and wanted to find a recipe to use them, but instead I happened upon this one for cranberry orange bread...so I made it instead and it was wonderful.

Recipe of the day

2010-06-09T08:48:00.000-07:00

We watched "It's Complicated" this weekend and despite the very questionable moral plot line, they had a scene where the female protagonist makes chocolate croissants...ever since I've been craving some. So I looked up recipes and found this one. I wasn't sure about the Philo dough and it sounded like extra work, so I grabbed some handy dandy Pillsbury croissants and used chocolate kisses cut in half (they were EVERYWHERE post wedding...) and baked them up....and they were fabulous!!! I might go with chocolate chips next time because I think they might melt faster, but either way they were definitely worth ~~the very little effort~~ it.

A couple of 4th grade boys

2010-06-08T20:00:00.000-07:00

Note to reader: ***this might be my most juvenile and random post to date, that's my disclaimer. You've been warned. This is not theological or reverent. So, if that's what you're hoping for, I'd stop now.

In seminary, a friend of mine shared that on one of the first nights dating her (now) husband, she farted, loud and obvious, and he just took it in stride and they all laughed it off. Her advice was always to find a man who you could fart in front of.

I was not of the same mind. I could follow the logic, but was never one to fart in front of folks...regardless of who they are. Well then R entered the scene and my logic was only cemented. There was no (semi) public farting. Period. It just didn't happen.

Then a few months back, I'm not sure what possessed me or how it started, but I began encouraging him to just let it out. Really, I don't know what prompted it, but I would cajole and encourage and tell him it was totally ok. And my memory doesn't serve here either, but one of us let one rip and it was ok, not totally permissible, but ok. No one died. (Neither from odor nor from embarrassment) but it was still a slow road to acceptability.

And then a few weeks (or months) later we both became like 4th grade boys and now it's no-holds-barred around here. Mind you this is when it's just the two of us, not when others are around, but we laud one another for a particularly odiferous toot or for one that is noisier than most. We cheer and laugh and give props. It's really comical.

I work with lots of older and elderly folks who fart without qualms and it's always a bit odd that they are so free in their flatulence and I am sure there will come a day when neither R nor I is amused any longer, but for now we just laugh. We also have those moments when the smell is so potent that we wish we had never begun this journey of flatulential (that's my word!) freedom. I'm not sure I'll ever forget the night we went shopping and he was on one aisle and I on another and I walked around the corner and was stopped dead in my tracks and could only proclaim, "Whoa, was that you?" Or when I returned the favor and failed to warn him as he approached me in a different store in a different aisle after a particularly gnarly wind.

R's a bit more dramatic than I am and he says that was one that made your eyes water and ears bleed....I say it wasn't that bad. But I was laughing too hard to actually inhale and smell it.

There are other days when we are shooed out of rooms because the smell is unbearable and yet, despite the watery eyes and bleeding ears, we still just laugh....hysterically.

So begins our life-long journey of married life.

Word to the not-so-wise

2010-06-06T20:31:00.000-07:00

I say "to the not-so-wise" because my guess is that the wise would already have intuited this....

First a little background....I've mentioned before that I get migraines. Fortunately, this year during Lent I prayed against the migraines and had a couple the first week and then only one killer migraine the week of our mission trip. But otherwise I have been headache free. Now, it would be fair to say that someone gave me a couple of meds to try at the outset of trouble and I have used some of those...whether or not they would have turned into full fledged migraines is questionable.

Another key detail is that last summer my doctor prescribed a migraine med along with some others (asthma etc) and when I went to fill the prescription the pharmacy said it would cost $75. In addition to the$35 for the 3 others (at the time and under the circumstances) there was no way. So despite my constant fight with migraines, I didn't get the prescription, I just stuck with over the counter medications and hoped for the best. Well, in April (after the migraine from Hell in Mississippi) I had enough money for the medication and finally ordered it (only I had lost the script by then so my doctor had to call it in and only ordered me 3 pills....).

Ok, so fast forward to our plane ride home from our honeymoon time in Mexico. We got on the plane and I was getting the beginning signs of a migraine and decided to take something. I debated between the med my friend had given me and the new prescription and went with the latter.

That was a really bad idea. After about 10-15 minutes it kicked in and I was dizzy, had hot flashes, felt my chest constrict like there was a large person sitting on it, and had a heightened sensitivity for pain. In case you're not asthmatic or have never had trouble (real trouble) breathing, let me just say that not being able to breathe might just be the scariest experience--EVER. I began to cry as my body felt out of control and I struggled to breathe. It wasn't the small straw breathing, but the weight on your chest breathing. I was so scared I struggled to even tell R why I was crying (I think he thought it was still linked to the book I was reading which had caused me to cry earlier.). I used both of my inhalers and could breathe, but still had the weight and the hot flashes and the dizziness (later when I ate and drank something it felt like my throat was super small). I looked for benadryl but did not find any.

I can't say that I would have gone to the hospital had I had that experience on the ground, but I will say that trying a new med while thousands of feet in the air is not a great plan. In fact it's a dumb idea. I'm not sure why it didn't occur to me that I could have had trouble with it (probably b/c I have never had an allergic reaction to a medicine before) but it scared the you-know-what out of me.

So here's my advice: never try a new medicine when you are in any remote location (be that in a plane, on a boat, in the woods, or simply in another country where you aren't guaranteed the medical attention you might need...).

(Gratefully, once I was able to calm myself down and convince myself that even though it was tough to breathe I wasn't going to suffocate I relaxed more and later the side effects began to fade....though I did have the shakes in the middle of the night when I got home...I assumed once the med was finally through my system....)

Leadership choices

2010-05-18T06:43:00.000-07:00

This year we had a number of changes in leadership. And by "a number" I mean the chair of EVERY major committee changed. In some ways that was really stupid on my part. Training all new leadership requires a fair amount of time and energy (not that it's not worth it) and that extra time should be allotted for. In comparing (sometimes helpful sometimes not) the different folks from the two years, I have a couple of observations I offer for what they are worth:

when you choose people for the personnel committee, they have to be willing and able to handle conflict with tact. They need to be not only nice people who care about others, but also people willing to confront someone when they are not doing their job in all the ways they are required to. People who run from conflict will not get the job done. As a note, there are many (most?) people who hate conflict. Not many (healthy/stable) people run toward it, but the person who dislikes it is different from the person who refuses to engage it.
when you choose the person who will lead the meetings, choose someone who can stay on task and get to the point (this might be a personal preference b/c I am task oriented and like getting the job done, but really who likes being in a meeting that lasts 2 hours when it should only take 30 minutes just so everyone can share a story?!?!)
The people on finance committee should be willing to ask hard questions (repeatedly if necessary) in order to clean things up (supposing they are messy), and should be committed to faithful stewardship personally and corporately, they should also be willing to do fundraising (and able to encourage and empower others to do fundraising).
Some people will require more training than others. Their need for additional instruction is not a testament to how well they will do as a leader, only that they have received less instruction along the way.
Sometimes giving people a fresh start and not asking too many questions about their past is helpful, it can offer a new (grace-filled) opportunity where they don't have to fight an uphill battle just to get started. It can also be problematic if (negative) past behaviors are sure to re-present themselves.

I'll leave it at that for now. Feel free to add your own.

What's in a name?

2010-05-17T18:40:00.000-07:00

So in 12 days I will be a married woman. It's a bit of a crazy thought to think I will be married next week. That's nuts. I realize we've been on the marriage train officially for a year this week, but somehow in the timeline of my life, it never seemed like it would be this close.

Surprisingly (?!?!) I am not anxious or worried or any of those things. Last week my mind finally had freedom after I finished the concert, my brain kicked into high gear about all the things that still need to be done for the wedding and I hit super stressed and mildly cranky. It's all detail work at this point and if nothing else happens, the wedding will still go on. We will be married and there will still be a party and we will still leave for a honeymoon in Mexico(provided the passport glitches get worked out this week....if not, we're going somewhere. Period.)

But this week I passed out of cranky and into super excited. I'm getting married next week!!! Period. =)

But there's this other reality that I am having trouble wrapping my head around is that I will be changing my name. That's not a huge deal to me in and of itself, (not yet anyway), the stranger part is thinking of what that title means to people. I mean "Mrs. Sperry" will be me. I will be "Mrs. Sperry." But my mother in law (*to be) is Mrs Sperry; and I am not her. And, for that matter, my new sister in law to be is also Mrs. Sperry. I'm not her either. So, to take on that name in some way merges my identity with theirs and I'm not quite sure what it means to be a Sperry and not a Camphouse. Not that I'm not a Camphouse, I'll always be one of them, but you know, I won't be known as a Camphouse. And then you could argue that I could use my title to distinguish myself from the other Sperry women. I could be known as "Rev. Sperry" or "Pastor Sperry" and in that way have my own identity. But you'd be wrong again. Because "Rev. Sperry" was R's dad. (Was because he passed away over 2 years ago now....) but he was the Pastor Sperry who was well known. Oh yeah, and R is clergy (though he doesn't use the title) but that's his title too. So, being "Rev. Sperry" won't feel like an identity of my own either.

I'm not saying it's good or bad either way. I'm trying to say it's new and different and I'm not quite sure how to process it fully yet. It's bizarre to have created an identity and reputation for myself and with just 4 simple signatures (mine, R's, the pastor's, and a witness') all of that will change.

A new stage in church life

2010-05-04T07:58:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I mentioned my time with the girls. I am deeply blessed that the girls love to come and sit with me and join me in leading worship. My hope is that it makes them feel more and more comfortable themselves, that as they grow up they will move from sitting in my lap to lighting the candles, to reading scripture, to leading prayer, or teaching Bible study, or going on missions. I hope that their comfortability in church lays a firm foundation for their future discipleship.

One little one has already progressed from lap sitting to candle lighting and yesterday I witnessed a new stage: she's learned to read, so now she can read the words on the screen and sing along. At times when I am able, I've tried to prompt the kids with the words to a song so they can sing too, but it doesn't work all that well. But I can tell you that my heart was overwhelmingly full as I sat next to this young girl (I think she's 6 now) and listened to her sing the words she could read for herself.

I could just feel the empowerment. She didn't need to rely on someone else to include her in worship, she was finally able to join for herself and it was really cool. Reflecting on it, it makes me grateful that we are a church that is dedicated to education, not just of the Bible, but in general, that we want people to be able to read the word of God for themselves and to be empowered...they cease being dependent on someone else (who may or may not have their best interest in mind) and can go seek God (and God's word and our worship) all on their own.

It was truly amazing. Simple. But profound.

Breathe

2010-05-03T17:24:00.001-07:00

Well, let’s just say the last month or so has been insane. I did the planning and preparation for our trip to Mississippi. I collaborated with 2 other planners, but was responsible for 23 of the group (paperwork, money, scholarships, etc). we made it safely to Mississippi and had an amazing time. We were at a different camp in a different city this year. Our projects were varied (as is normal), but, as usual, it was life-changing (particularly for the first-time missioners).

It was also pretty revealing to me about some of the greater things I need to work on in regard to leadership. Yet, even in that hard learning, I am also able to use what we did there for practical teaching within the church, which is always awesome.

At the end of the trip, I got the worst migraine I’ve had in nearly a year and wanted to just die. I also managed to get some sort of stomach bug and ended up sick Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday and then still just zapped of all energy the next couple of days. So, I tried to lay low (or as low as possible) and then slowly got back into the swing of things. Only trouble was a week of mission plus company left me with about 13 loads of laundry!!! I think I’ve mentioned it before, but I am not a big fan of laundry. I don’t mind the washing part…you know because the machine does that work. It’s the folding and putting away that kills me. But, I survived.

In the midst of all that, there was still work to be done, a wedding to plan, and a concert to work on. So there wasn’t a true break, just the best break I could imagine being sick in the middle of the busiest time ever.

I keep trying to grasp for a break or a breathe or something, but I still keep grasping. There’s an occasional glimpse, but still plenty to do, so I keep on going. I am fairly certain that somewhere there is an end to this crazy roller coaster ride I got myself on!

Now we are one week away from the concert and are working our tails off to sell as many tickets as we can. I’ve also chronicled some of the obstaclesand problems we’ve encountered and it’s hard to believe we are finally there. Whether there’s 20 people or 2000 people, the bands are paid and will put on a concert. We’d love to have 2500-3000 people because we’d reach our goal of sponsoring a whole house for someone still living in a FEMA trailer! That would be awesome. And God would totally get the credit because with all the obstacles we’ve faced, and the size of a church we are, there’s no way we could have done it without God. So, we’re praying, and fliering, and praying, and hoping, and finalizing details, and praying that all will work out well.

If you live near the IE or want to travel to Riverside for a very cool charity concert, click here or here or more info!

Cherished Moments

2010-05-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was "Family Camp Sunday" where we wear our jeans and camp shirts and come to church "camp style". We worshiped in the fellowship hall instead of the sanctuary and sang camp songs and had more foibles than a normal Sunday, and it was all part of the experience.

Part of the joy of being a family is the presence of all the generations, young and old and everything in between. At family camp we invite the youth to come up and do motions and help lead worship, and the same was true yesterday. Nevermind the fact that I am the most outgoing 'youth' up there, they were there, dancing and jumping and doing the motions. And the little ones came up and held my hands and jumped and danced and laughed and smiled through those songs.

And when we sat in between, they would sit really close and snuggle in as they sat with me.

Then, when I went up to preach, one came up and held tight for some extra TLC, and then another saw she was up there and she too came up. Now, I know for some this is distracting and difficult. It causes them to lose their focus or feel disrupted or disrespected, but I love it. I love that the kids feel so comfortable with me and the church body that they can just walk right up when they are ready to, when they want a hug or a cuddle. The only complicating factor was that the lapel mic wasn't working so I had to switch hands to hold the mic and hold the girls, but it was fun. I was happy to have them there. I want them to feel free to be themselves in worship. I relish in those moments.

Then their parents felt uncomfortable, embarrassed even, so the girls were called back to their seats and I kept on preaching. But it was good. They were good moments and I am grateful for them!

Do you ever just want to throw down?

2010-05-02T07:58:00.001-07:00

(“throw down” means fight…I’m guessing it alludes to throwing down your gloves or something, but I can’t tell you for sure)

So, there have been an inordinate number of problems and conflicts at the church lately. As is usually the case with church business, I can’t detail most of it here, but let’s just say it’s been way too much at once. I have been overwhelmed and often feel totally ill-equipped to do the job I do. There have been personality issues, staff issues, moral issues, and more.

But one of the things that has been particularly striking to me is how being so tired and frustrated has led me to want to just lay down the law and fight. (I need to say here I’m not a fighter. I’ve never been in a fight. I have never thrown a punch. I’ve never even been hit. I was only challenged once in High school and that was because I called someone out as lazy and ridiculous in class and she was not thrilled (go figure) and she came after me after class. I let her throw her insults and threats, looked around and saw my friends had left me, but I stood my ground, and she walked away…no fight. ) and when I say here that I want to fight, it’s typically not a physical fight I’m ready for. I’m much quicker with words.

When people act out or act a fool and seriously disrupt things, my desire is to tear them apart with words. I have been tempted to put folks in their place. Now, I know this isn’t the normal type of confession you’d expect from a pastor, but it’s the reality of how I’ve felt.

Now, fortunately, I have had enough sense not to say anything. I’m typically pretty good at diplomacy. But I need to say it has taken extra concentration and patience lately. I have not wanted to be super nice with my words. I’ve wanted to be straightforward and blunt. Not p.c. or nice.

Gratefully, I held my tongue, and in doing so, I encountered greater wisdom about how to handle some very difficult situations and things are better in many areas. (Others still need the right words and I’m getting there with caution and patience).

So, here’s looking forward to more days of non-violence (both with word and with deed).

Leadership reflection

2010-04-18T18:11:00.001-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about wanting folks to change, but feeling inept in helping them do it. Then my brother commented that he had learned from a speaker that if you are going to ask someone else to change, that you should change one thing about yourself first and reflect on what it took to get you from point A to point B. To be honest, when he said it, I thought to myself, “I don’t know what I need to change.” Really. I thought about it a fair amount and couldn’t come up with anything specific that really needed to change (particularly in regard to my ministry).

Well, this week I was away on mission in Mississippi and it was apparently my time for seeing myself a little more clearly. There is something about being away from home, distanced from the “right now” needs of my congregation that allows me to see things a bit more clearly.

My first dose of self-reflection came on day 1 on the job site. I had been asked to join the dry wall team by my former head of trustees. He’s done SOOO much to help me at the church and the parsonage, and is an all around good guy (so good we consider he and his wife like family) that I could hardly say no. So I went. I spent a fair amount of the day teaching the other women (none of whom had “mudded” before) how to do the different parts of the job.

Now, if you’ve never mudded drywall before, you should know that corners are the hardest part. To do them really well (at least how I was taught) you should only do them once (verses regular joints that require 3-4 layers of mud). They require a certain level of finesse. Knowing that they are hard, I was slightly reluctant to teach the newbies and would have preferred to just do it myself, but instead I decided to teach. I tried to teach the first woman and was not terribly successful. I wasn’t explaining it well and kept trying to correct her technique but managed only to make her very self-conscious, so she gave up the job. I gave her friend the option, I said, “Do you want to try it, or do you want me to just do it.” A willing learner, she said she’d try it. From my mistakes with mudder #1 I decided to try a new teaching technique—hands on. I had her hold the tool and then I held her hand to teach her the right amount of pressure to apply. She did a better job with it and stuck with it. Now, I’m not sure if she had a “knack” for it, or if the different teaching technique made that much of a difference, but they were able to continue with their work in the bathroom.

Now, in that time I saw how quickly I was ready to reassign them to a different job and just do the harder portions myself. I was willing to teach, but only if they were quick to pick it up. Now, that wasn’t my conscious thought about it, but rather what I saw in retrospect. (Remember, hindsight is 20/20). And I was disturbed by what I saw. I tend to think of myself as a patient teacher, but could easily see how I do much the same thing in other instances at the church. I’m willing to teach someone how to do a job, but if they don’t pick it up quickly, I just step in and handle it. I could name specific instances here, but I would also be calling out particular staff or volunteers and that wouldn’t be fair, so I’ll keep the examples to myself.

I get focused on getting the job done and don’t always have a good appreciation for the process. In mission work, especially with inexperienced volunteers, you have to be more about the mission than the task. That was part of our orientation Sunday night—you have a task (the job at hand) and a mission (healing hearts and homes) and the mission is the most important part of the work you will do. While it may seem obvious, I’ve never thought about church (meaning on the church campus and the daily affairs of church life) in those terms. I focus on the task a lot, and I should be focusing on the mission more: making disciples of Jesus Christ—it’s not just about offering a good class or quality program or amazing worship, but it is also important to utilize the process and focus on the mission.

I am by no means fully reformed, but I do think I did a better job on Day #2 when I took some folks back to camp in the afternoon to work on a different job. We were asked to build a hanging rack for the yard tools (rakes, shovels, brooms, etc). We were given a basic design, which we had to modify, and got to work. We needed to use a chop saw, a skil saw, and a nail gun to finish the job. I know how to use the nail gun and the chop saw, and one of the other women knew how to use the skil saw (sort of) and I easily could have just made the cuts and done the nailing, but I was able to step back (thanks to day #1 of learning) and see that teaching them to use each tool and giving them that experience was just as important (if not more so) than accomplishing the task. So I made sure each woman had a chance to use the nail gun and the chop saw as we did our project. I also made sure that we worked together on planning the project. So we brain stormed through each of the modifications to make sure we were thinking through each of the possibilities to have the best possible outcome.

And, the end result was, everyone learned a new skill, contributed to the project, and…

Here’s the finished product!

Feeling inept

2010-04-07T08:02:00.000-07:00

I'm good at things. I'm good at a lot of things actually. I'm a fairly competent person and those things I don't know how to do, I can typically learn. (~~or I just avoid them so no one will actually realize the limits of my abilities~~.) But these last couple of weeks at work have left me feeling inept--not completely, just partially.

I am struggling with how to articulate new concepts to "old dogs". I am really struggling with knowing I need/want someone(s) to do something differently, but have no idea how to teach them how to do it differently. I just want them to know already!!!

I feel like I'm hitting my head against a wall and not making progress, like I've maxed out my abilities and should simply move on. I know that's not how it works. I know that's not how I will grow. I know that the only way I will ever know how to deal with such things is to learn how to deal with them now. It just seems like the bell curve got awfully steep again.

Strike that, I don't think there is anything resembling a bell curve for me, maybe more like mesa flats...

crazy steep ascent...fairly banal long walk across the top to lull you into thinking you're good, and then an easy high speed drop back to the bottom that convinces you are invincible and can do anything...

...until, of course, you come face to face with the next sheer climb straight up.

Yep, that sounds more like it. No bell curves for me..just mesa flats!

Practicing balance

2010-04-06T10:03:00.000-07:00

So, now that I've written about how hard it is to maintain the balance, I will attempt to do it. I have a fax to send a couple of emails to send and a fax to send, and then the plan is to take the rest of the day to restore balance to my soul. These last few weeks have been extra full and have not allowed for my regular sabbath practices. So I am tired. I've been more emotional, more edgy, and much less patient and it's time for there to be some balance again. R did a TON of work at the house yesterday. He cleaned, did laundry, washed dishes, and put stuff away, which will help me be able to simply relax and not worry about doing all of those things myself.

We bought extra plants for the garden yesterday since some seeds aren't sprouting, so I'm going to plant those. I hope to journal (and maybe blog) some more.

I mean even brave the threshold of the quilting room and try and get some things done in there too.

That is, of course, hoping there are not hospital calls...

Faith work vs. faith walk

2010-04-06T09:53:00.000-07:00

I read this today on Joe's blog: "'At the age of 25, I was a full-time pastor and a part-time Christ follower.' It’s a difficult sentence to read due to the reality of it. Even in ministry, it’s easy to put my commitment to Jesus on the back burner, but think that I’m doing everything for Jesus, when in reality the passion for ministry has taken place the passion for Jesus."

This is a concept I struggle with from time to time. It's hard for me to distinguish "my" Jesus commitment as opposed to my "work" Jesus commitment. I think the distinction might be easier if I held a secular job. It would be an easy test: "Am I praying? Am I going to worship? Am I serving others? Am I studying God's word? Am I taking time to build deep and meaningful relationships with others? Am I growing in faith? Am I being stretched?"

But some (or most?) days I don't know that I think that's a fair question to ask as a pastor. Granted, part of it is valid...the part where what I do needs to feed me and often as clergy we end up giving so much that we don't nurture our own souls. But when I teach (and learn from) two or three Bible studies a week, when I pray throughout the day for and with people, when I am serving others from morning 'til night with barely a chance to breathe or even process my day...I'm not sure that the reasonable question to ask is, "Are you doing more than this?"

Maybe it's the place I'm in. Maybe if I allowed my faith to be less central to the work I do it would be fair to tell me I should be doing more. Maybe I shouldn't be interpreting this question as meant for all clergy, but rather as meant for some clergy (or even those in ministry who aren't clergy).

I remember a few months back I had preached (maybe on sabbath--the fourth commandment?) and afterward one of my parishioners who works for Christian radio came outside and told me he was really struggling to hold the balance--between work and personal life. When your work is faith work, there seems to be an added something...importance? immediacy? relevance? I don't know the right word, but something that says, "you shouldn't let this slide...this is God's work after all." I mean really, you can't tell me it's easy to ignore a hospital call on your sabbath, or to not check in with that person you have been meaning to check in with all week because it's your sabbath. It's hard for most of us to put work aside and take a full day to be restored and rest. Arguably, I would say it's harder for those who do "God's work" to refuse to do that work for the sake of self--well-being, health, sanity.

Easter sermon

2010-04-04T19:14:00.000-07:00

This became this.

Happy Easter!

Hope for Judas

2010-04-03T17:14:00.000-07:00

I have had Judas on my heart for the last couple of days. There are lots of people who demonize him for his betrayal of Jesus. Others who demonize him for committing the "egregious" sin of suicide. (This is their term...not mine).

But these last two days have given me a heart and a sense of compassion for Judas. I posted the other day that holy week has been not-so-holy this year and that I believe it was not-so-holy the year Jesus died. And when things are not holy, there is often a palpable presence of evil.

I don't know if you've ever felt the power of evil...the presence of evil...not simply in some emotional-temptation way, but in a physical way....cold, weighty, dark. It's debilitating. It's suffocating.

Some of you know I struggle with depression, off an on from time to time. I'd generally call it situational depression...it may be more akin to grief (because it typically happens with a major move, which involves lots of grief or a really bad situation, which would also involve grief) but I'd say it's more than grief for it's staying power and for the ways it drains me of any and all desire to do anything. And, for the very few occasions that it has so possessed me that I have been ready to die. I would have called myself suicidal.

Being in a place that dark and having those thoughts is a desperately scary place to be. It's lonely. It's isolating. And, as one might assume, it can be deadly. There is no reason there. Logic won't work. I remember counseling a friend one summer in college. She was suicidal. I knew from previous conversations that she had been there before and so somehow I wasn't alarmed when she told me that summer. We talked and I reminded her about her family and how much they loved her and the life ahead of her and....and...and...it didn't matter. There was no reasoning with her. The place of darkness and despair where she was did not welcome logic.

I do not remember how our conversation ended. But I do know that she is still alive and well today. It wasn't until later that year that I finally had a glimpse of that reason-less place where she had been. I hit rock bottom emotionally and it felt like there was no coming up for air. I was ready to die. Really ready to die. I had a plan. I had the means. The only thing I hadn't determined was the time and place. I don't know what stopped me then, but I am grateful I did not go ahead with my plan.

It had occurred over a school break and when I returned I went to a staff meeting for the dorms and there we learned that one of the supervisors for the dorms had been murdered in Mexico. I did not know him well. I had only met him once or twice, but I was devastated by his death. And I was struck by the fact that someone's death can reach so far, even to those who have only seen a person from afar or met in a brief encounter and I was ashamed that I had even considered taking my own life. But again, there had been no logic in that place.

Yesterday I felt the overwhelming presence of evil. I couldn't even track it to one particular moment or thing, but it was there--dark and heavy. Deadening, sucking the life out of me. And I thought of Judas. I thought of how powerful the presence of evil must have been that week. How consuming it had to have been to convince the masses that Jesus, the Son of God needed to die. I'm sure it was palpable. I doubt there was much reason available there--we see that in the trials of Christ. Not reason, just accusation and judgment. And then Judas' betrayal in the garden. But more striking still, his suicide. I'm sure that by collaborating to kill your friend, your mentor, you teacher, a great healer, and the Son of God, that the presence of evil became suffocating. My guess is the only way Judas thought he would ever breathe again was to die. And I hurt for him. I hurt that he didn't know that death on the cross would not be the end of the story. My heart broke that he would never hear or see that part of the gospel--the part where Jesus raises from the dead after he has conquered sin and death.

Judas didn't know the story. So he didn't have the hope. He couldn't have the hope for it had not yet happened. And there was no possibility of finding the light in the midst of the darkness. And I hurt for him.

And then it occurred to me that there are others in Judas' place...no they haven't facilitated the death of Jesus--not in that direct way...but they are like Judas in that they don't know the story. So they don't have the hope. And without the story, without the hope, there is no possibility of finding the light in the midst of the darkness.

And that's where our responsibility lies. For those of us that know the story, we must spread the gospel--the hope. We must make known the rest of the story--the part where death and sin and shame do not have the final word, and we must shine God's light for people so that they might know there is the possibility of escaping the darkness--of finding life (again).

Making people cry

2010-04-03T11:57:00.000-07:00

I think I might be a bit twisted. Last night I hosted the stations of the cross for my church and our neighbor Arlington UMC. We had just over 40 people I think. And I couldn't help but feel satisfied when people walked away crying. I know. It's weird. That's why I started with, "I think I might be a bit twisted."

I'm not sure I want to say, "I like it when people cry." It's not like I try to make people cry at every turn. And I definitely don't like tears because someone has been deeply wounded. But in general, I'm good with tears. When I'm ministering to someone tears give me a good read on the person. I used to hate dealing with people who were grieving in the hospital but wouldn't cry. The stolid folks made me nervous. (On occasion they still do, but not to the degree that they used to). But the criers, I could work with them. I knew how to comfort them and care for them. I didn't worry that they were shutting me out. Instead I just got to be a caregiver.

Last night's pleasure was similar, but probably at least a little bit different. Last night's pleasure at seeing people cry was more related to the fact that their tears (at least in my mind) meant that had been touched by the stations...more importantly, that they had been touched by what Christ did for them, for each of us.

I had one woman come up to me and just fall into me as she wept. She said a number of things that were hard to decipher between sobs, but mostly I just held her and then I heard..."he really loves me doesn't he?" Yes, he does. Score one for the gospel coming alive and hitting home!

Not-so-holy week

2010-04-02T21:43:00.000-07:00

Holy week gained it's title after the fact, and I'm sure it was deemed holy because of Easter (the resurrection) not because of anything else. I mean, think about it. Mob mentality. Persecution. Pride. Ignorance. Betrayal. Murder. Not really a holy combination.

And yet, in the church we honor and celebrate holy week as if the whole week were holy. Now, maybe you were fortunate enough to have a really blessed holy week. I was not. This has been a miserably hard week in the church. I have been reminded again and again of how broken and fallible we all are. I have been reminded that I still have a lot to learn and there are many things that were not taught in seminary. I have been reminded that the power of evil is overwhelming. It can be suffocating and completely devastating.

Now, it hasn't been all bad. There have been praise reports and glimmers of hope. There is a man who has had a foot infection for 22 months who came to have me lay hands on him and pray who later in the week reported that his foot was healing at a rate of 10 days worth in 24 hours...in other words, what should have taken 10 days to happen, took only 1. I praise God for that!!

There have also been reminders that people care and that God is doing many marvelous things in our midst. But it has also been really hard. It is the reminder that I still desperately need Easter...it's not a one time redemption/celebration, instead it is a regular reminder that Christ has conquered sin and death--that guilt and shame and evil do not have the last word. Christ does. God prevails at the end of those not-so-holy weeks.

There is hope. There is cause for celebration. There are also reminders that we are sinful people in desperate need of God's saving grace.

Blessed

2010-04-02T21:35:00.000-07:00

Last week I wrote about the drama that has been involved in planning our May 8th concert. The latest was a production company who priced themselves out of the game and left us stranded just weeks from the event. Well, we got to work and made many calls and sent some emails and the response was great. It made me appreciate the Methodist system, I had emails from at least 8 different people offering options and places to go and referrals to companies they had worked with.

The one that panned out? A local guy who does the city's major Christmas festival. He's been amazing to work with. He's earnest. He's reasonable. He works hard. He goes above and beyond. It has been a blessing. Last week I was NOT so grateful that we were starting all over on this part of the planning. This week I am so grateful we have somebody who gets our larger mission on board!

Mental health

2010-03-28T08:31:00.000-07:00

About a month ago I was in DC for a conference put on by GBCS for young clergy. I had an amazing roommate that I talked and processed with each night. MJ you rock! And as I shared about all that I am working on and doing these days she (as a chaplain) asked if I was seeing a counselor. I said no, that I had considered it, and even got authorization for it from our insurance, but hadn't pursued it. She didn't push it, but did encourage me to use that resource as a support in ministry. Calling around to find a good counselor in the midst of calling caterers, florists, and cake places did not sound feasible or fun, but she thought I might be able to find the time anyway.

Then a couple days later, I was able to meet up (all to briefly) with a good friend from college who lives in the area and as I shared with her, she too encouraged me to see a counselor. I said I'd consider it.

So, after being home and getting a few things handled at church and surviving the week of too many hospital visits, I called around and set up 2 appointments with counselors to see who might be best.

Let me just say, I've had some bad experiences. 3 to be exact. One really good experience with an amazing pastoral counselor in seminary and 3 bad experiences. 1 in college that wasn't horribly bad, just not good. It was mediocre and I didn't have the gumption or knowledge in those days to say, "this isn't working, can I see someone else?" And then a HORRIBLE experience with a spiritual director during my first appointment. She was so bad I considered never doing counseling again. And then another woman who seemed to hit all the wrong buttons when I worked with her. I made it two sessions and couldn't take it. So I left.

So, I know counseling is a good and helpful thing. I also know that finding the right counselor can be time consuming and even frustrating. But I made the calls anyway. Thursday, I met with counselor #1 and really felt comfortable. She was easy to talk to and I like her approach. She even talked about some new theory on mental health that doesn't attribute everything to a mental illness, but deals with "compound trauma". I haven't read it myself, so I won't expand here, but I'm interested in it and think it could be helpful in dealing with various folks in my life, both professionally and personally.

So I scheduled another appointment and cancelled with the other lady for next week and am looking forward to being able to share openly without breaking confidentiality and for some added perspective on my work and my life.

Here's to balance and good mental health!

the concert saga continues...

2010-03-27T07:57:00.000-07:00

For months we've been working on a BIG concert to raise money for a family still living in a FEMA trailer after Hurricane Katrina, so they can have their own home again. This has been a MAJOR undertaking ~~one I have regretted often as it becomes frustrating or overwhelming~~. This will likely be the biggest single event my church has ever put on. The original discussion started in April last year after we got back from Mississippi and 3 missioners shared their stories with the church. My people were automatically on board and wanted to raise money to fund a house. Several ideas were thrown out there and the concert seemed like the one that could give us the most bang for our buck. So we got to work and started planning. Over the summer there were some obstacles, and the original Fall date was postponed. We did a silent auction instead and raised over $5000. After we finished that, we got to work on the concert again. We worked on booking bands and a venue.

I need to say that when you are a small church that has not done this kind of event before, no one in the industry seems to have any sense of faith. I suppose with good reason. They've been burned by small churches with no experience who promised money or a big event and couldn't make it happen. But one after another we heard from the nay-sayers...you can't pull this off! And then they would proceed to drag their feet in helping or working with us. Contracts and offers took forever. Emails were returned after weeks of waiting. It was a bit ridiculous. After all, by slowing the process, they were only stacking the deck against us. Their doubts seemed to want to morph into a self-fulfilling prophesy.

But our group remained determined. They continued to call and persevere. And finally we got the band contract and had a 90% go from a venue....but they wouldn't move without the band names (and the bands didn't want to move without a contract from the venue...talk about a rock and a hard place). So we met with venue #1 and they said there was a "conflict" with another group, and they would pursue a compromise. So we waited. And then "No." We couldn't have the venue. What?! For months we had been working with them and planning on this, and now nothing. Only 3 months from the concert day and nothing? UGH!

So, we got to work. And pursued other options. (All the while with the band company breathing down our neck and threatening to back out if we couldn't get a venue in a week--but actually ended up offering grace and more time and has been wonderful since we confirmed our venue!). So, we got venue #2 lined up with only a few additional approvals needed. Again, we were given the impression that we were about 80% confirmed. And then, wham! Nothing. Nope, we couldn't use them either. (I could quote our major stumbling block but should probably keep those words out of this for now...)

Great....so, we scrambled yet again. College campuses, high school football fields, other churches. Calls, emails, visits. A LOT of scrambling. More options that got oh-so-close and then fell through. And then finally venue #3. An area church. (Whom we now love by the way...!!!)

It took some more negotiating (apparently that's how this whole gig works) and we got the contract. !!!!!!!! Let me repeat...WE GOT THE CONTRACT!!!! My mantra through all of this has been "Get it in writing!" I'm sure R wants to smack me every time I say it, but with 2 failed venues and a lot of frustration, something in writing could have spared us.

So now we are back to full boar planning. We were able to add 2 more bands to the schedule and are working on concessions and publicity, and churches to sell tickets, and printing the actual tickets, etc, etc, etc.

We had our first committee meeting in months to go over the contract and the rider and all that is expected of us. We delegated some tasks and planned for our next meeting. All was good.

Until...the production company decided charity was no longer important and priced themselves out of the game. They wanted more than we are paying the bands. A christian company that we've been working with for months who had offered to help, no longer helpful. SUPER frustrating. After R shared the news and headed to work yesterday, I screamed. Literally. I screamed. Seriously?! Another obstacle...not just a little hiccup or bump on the road. No sound. No lighting. No stage. No media! You have GOT to be kidding me!

So, I did what I do best. I cried. I asked for prayers. And I got to work. After all, we ARE having this concert. There's no way we are not. (You hear me O Thrower of Evil Obstacles?! We are having this concert because we follow Christ and believe in showing extravagant love and mercy and compassion to others! We will make this work and God will be glorified O Ridiculous One Who Likes To Get In Our Way!)

So Thursday I made calls, sent emails, sent faxes, made copies and tried to find a new production company. (This is still in the works, but we have calls in and are praying...a lot...please pray for us...and for a charitable company that isn't so focused on money or ego that we can't work with them. And if you know a good company that works in the IE and would be reasonable and good to work with, PLEASE let me know.

oh yeah, did I mention pray?!?!

And/or, if you want tickets let me know. Because we are putting on a concert with some amazing talent!

2010-03-26T19:50:00.000-07:00

I used to be really good at self care. I was stringent about it. I was particular. I was known in seminary as a "sabbath nazi". It was a term of endearment because I let no one steal away my precious sabbath time.

Even at my first appointment I was good. I practiced the 2/3 day rule (you divide the work day into thirds and only work 2 parts...typically a 12 hour day, you only work 8 hours...so if I had night meetings, I might work the morning, take the afternoon off, and then go back for night meetings. But I would rarely stay all day long and work the full 12 hours. I took sabbath regularly. I had space, down time, did creative things, hiked, went on vacation...all of those good self-care things. My SPRC (comprised of mostly women) loved me for it, affirmed me for it, and eagerly wanted those things for their lives too and would make strides to take sabbath themselves or to limit how much or how often they worked themselves.

And then came a senior pastorate. Now, I worked hard as an associate. I worked a lot of hours and did a lot of different things. When I left, they hired 3 separate people to do my job. I worked a lot. But the work was different. Some days I covet being an associate and wish I were again. There seemed to be more time and space for creativity, more time to help with conference committees, more time for covenant groups and fellowship, more time to read, more time to think.

Now, as a senior, I do lots of things...pretty much something of everything....from plunging toilets, to hospital visits, to preaching, to teaching, to washing cars, to answering phones. Now, don't be deceived, I have a very active congregation, but I also think I should lead by example and I'm not afraid to get dirty if a job has to be done. I'm not above answering phones or making copies. I'm not exempt from work projects or potluck dinners. I am also not exempt from staff issues, volunteer issues, money issues, trying to vision, trying to help others lead, etc, etc, etc. And somehow, in the midst of taking on a new church, a new position, and later a new partner (soon to be husband) life got REALLY, really full. And now, I pretty much stink at self care.

Sabbaths are rarely fully sabbath...even if I take a day, there are still calls to visit someone in the hospital, calls with silly questions, calls from the homeless, issues that pop up that seem to neeeeeeed to be taken care of now!

In my head, I know that there will always be more work, more issues and more demands. There will never be a day when they stop so I can take my day of sabbath. But at the same time the faster and harder and more intensely that train rolls the harder it is to actually slow down fast enough to jump off for a day.

That's where I am today. Struggling with my own failures to honor the sabbath--a practice I LOVE and NEED!

If you read the previous post you know I am trying to do more to take care of myself, and I am hoping to succeed. I really do not want to go back to the land of burn out. It was awful. It was painful. It was really hard to catch a ride out of that dark and dreary city. So, that means I have to be intentional. I have to be diligent, and I might have to get a little "sabbath nazi" on those who try and interfere with some good old fashioned sabbath rest...