To continue or not to continue

Recently I've been thinking a lot about blogging. And honestly, I've been thinking about how infrequently I blog.  In the past I have found blogging to be cathartic and helpful.  In the present, I have a desire to write, but often feel like "I can't put that out there for the world to read."  Whether it's work related or personally related, I feel like life has gotten much more complicated and relationships have gotten much deeper, meaning there is a lot more of life that is off limits. 

So, now I am in a period of discernment.  Is the blogging worth it?  I have been working on compiling a Lenten devotional book and have considered using various past posts and have enjoyed what I wrote and feel like that type of inspiration has been missing in life, so then I wonder if it's worth it for me to continue writing.  

I need inspiration. I need ideas.  I need parts of my life that aren't overly vulnerable so that I can feel free in sharing.  

I've been reading dooce.com for a couple of years now and really enjoy Heather's posts.  In recent weeks she has shared about her separation from her husband and how hard that has been. I admire her vulnerability in sharing with the online community. I sometimes wish I had that same freedom.  I realize it's not always a blessing, it can be a curse to have the whole world "up in your stuff".  Even now I sometimes resent how visible my life is to people in the church, and I guess that's part of why I don't feel safe in sharing more.  I want some part of my life left for me, some part where people don't know what is happening, some part that is separate and my own.

A pastor's prayer

R's father was a pastor. He died nearly 4 years ago now.  We have inherited various things from him: commentaries, books, shirts, knick knacks, a desk, fishing gear, and more. One of the most sacred (in my mind) things we have is his old journals.  I don't know where he got them but he had at least a dozen red leather journals marked with the year. They have one page for each day of the year and he wrote faithfully.  They are less like journals where he shared all his thoughts and did a written monologue, and more like his daily prayers.

There were definitely days he missed, but he was quite regular in writing his prayers.  It is touching to read through and see his heart as he prayed for church issues, church families, and that God would guide him in his ministry.  

I have journaled for years. It started as a habit in 6th grade when it was required.  To date, I have over 40 journals.  They used to be all about life.  Now they are a mix of sermon prep, personal writing, and prayers.  I have told my best friend that if I die, she is supposed to find them and burn them. But now that I have a daughter, there is part of me that thinks down the line it would be cool for her to have those to look back on.  Some things are deeply personal and I'd rather no one read them (hence the request for them to burned), but once I'm dead it probably won't matter much.  ;)  

Someone close to R's dad has said his journals should be burned, but we would hate to lose those memories and prayers of his.  In a way, it is a way of connecting with him on a deeper level (both professionally and personally) even though we never met.  

Thank you Steve for your faithfulness, your ministry, and your prayers.

A Little Weary

I love Christmas! Each year, right after Thanksgiving, I haul out the Christmas decorations and dress up the house. I put up the tree and use my Christmas dishes all year long. This year as I decorated, I thought, "Why don't I keep the decorations up since I love them so much?" But I immediately knew if I did that, they would lose some of their power to transform my home. 

Normally, I get so excited to entertain and create worship services, but this year, something is missing.  Life has been full of changes with the addition of Miss Ruth and the purchase of a new home, and work has been tiring because it has been stressful and some people in the church have done and said some pretty hurtful things. I just don't have the drive.  I wish I did. I wish I had the energy for it, but these days, mostly, I just push myself to do it because I know it needs to be done.  

I'm hoping for a renewal of energy and creativity. 

Dear Lord, please inspire me to lead and love your people this holiday season. Amen.

Are you putting in enough hours?

This week my SPRC liaison approached me about a couple of issues she needed to discuss with me.  One was about finances for the coming year (a looming unknown as we wait and pray for more pledge cards to be turned in) and about some concerns from the congregation a couple of people in the congregation. Two people had asked her if I was even working full time these days.  

Wow.  That stung. I would venture to say that anyone in ministry as a profession knows that there is no "part time ministry".  I have friends who have tried it...tried working half time or even 3/4 time, and yet, the work of ministry is consuming and they still end up putting in full time hours.  Ever since commissioning, I have worked full time as a pastor.  Most weeks that equals 50-55 hours, minimum.  Often it equals 60-65 hours in a week.  In high holy seasons, maybe even more.  

I love my job, and love what I do.  And since having a baby, I have backed up a bit from the overly full time schedule I was keeping. I used to be willing to go from 8am-midnight if it was needed to accomplish something or to run a program.  Now, I am not able to do that, and in having Ruth, I have seen my priorities differently, and I am even unwilling to do that.  Regularly working a 16 hour day is not fair and it's not fun.  

The truth of the matter is I have scaled back.  Scaled back from 55-60 hour weeks to 45-50 hour weeks (with an occasional week requiring more).  But I still work full time.  

I suggested to my SPRC liaison that a fitting response to these individuals might be, "what is it you expect Pastor Debbie to be doing that you don't see her doing?" I mean, maybe they have some expectation for my ministry and I just don't know about it.  

I inquired where the concern came from and one person said they didn't see me in the office much and the other just wondered how many hours I have been working.  I know many of my colleagues have faced regular complaints about "office hours" being insufficient, fortunately, I never have. So to be surprised by it was very frustrating.  So little of my ministry occurs within the office walls.  Sure, it can.  I do counseling in the office (but I also do it at starbucks, in restaurants, on the phone, and in my own home).  I do emailing and administration in the office (but I also do that in my home and just about wherever I am on my phone).  I read in my office (that is if I am left alone for more than 15 minutes...), but I also read a variety of other places.  But I am not the type to just sit in the office.  It's part of why I like ministry--I have the flexibility to work anywhere.  

Hearing those types of comments always makes me do some serious self inventory.  And I have. And now I need to move on. Because I know I work full time. I know I do a variety of things in ministry. (I also know that I am not super human and there are things I miss because there simply isn't time to do it all).  Now I am working on forgiving this unnamed person and trying not to make assumptions about who it was.

Quote of the Day

"I had major, much needed break work done recently. Because I had been driving with bad breaks so long (darn near pushing them to the floor to stop), the repaired breaks didn't feel right when I first drove away. I wanted to go back and ask the mechanic if he had done it correctly. I felt something was wrong because I didn't have to try as hard to accomplish my goal (stop). Lesson: in life we can get so used to dealing with wrong until "right" doesn't feel "right" because we're so used to wrong. Do yourself a favor and don't wait too long to fix the problem". --Reginald Bell

No trespassing

I have written about our ministry with the homeless on various occasions here on this blog. It has been a journey filled with lots of learning (for me) and education (of the congregation and for those we serve).  Sometimes, I am very proud of our ministry. I am proud of those who have found community in our midst.  I smile and think of Allen, who had been on the streets for 17 years when I first met him.  Allen claimed he loved the outdoors and didn't ever want to live inside again.  For 6 months (after I arrived), he slept on our property. Only a few short weeks after I arrived, he began attending worship and came faithfully every Sunday after. He joined the church and was a regular liturgist.  

I am proud of those who have been able to use our ministry as a stepping stone to finding long term housing. I smile when I think of Ed, Katie, Carlos, and Allen knowing they sleep on a bed with shelter over their heads each night.

I am proud of those who have sought sobriety because, in part, of our ministries.  I celebrate with Carlos who now has nearly 2 years sober.  

I am proud of the connection we have with those we serve so that they aren't left alone when they are sick and hospitalized, or even when they die.  I have been to the ER countless times to share in prayer with these brothers and sisters, and been part of saying goodbye when 4 of them have died.  I was glad they did not die alone.

I am proud of the ways our members have faced their fears and confronted their stereotypes, for the ways we have stopped dealing with "the homeless" and started dealing with individuals...Alan, Cuca, Jimmy, Wade, and many, many more.

I am glad that an occasional meal bag has converted into weekly hot breakfast with the opportunity to make a sack lunch, prayer before their meal, clean clothes and shoes, Bible study, and worship.  

I am so grateful to be a part of this ministry and to learn to live and change in the midst of it.

And, even, in the midst of all that triumph, there is frustration and failure.  

It was over a year ago that the trustees decided we could no longer allow individuals to sleep on our property (it was a year and a half ago we had to limit day time access so folks weren't just sleeping on the grounds--we really felt that if we were trying to help them get to a better place in life, napping day in and day out on our property, was not going to get them there).  We issued notice and told folks they couldn't stay. Night after night and morning after morning we would tell people to leave because they were camping out.  Sometimes we called the police, sometimes we didn't.

And, truth be told, we sort of have a love hate relationship with the PD.  They haven't always been very helpful.  In fact, they sort of hold (or live?) an all-or-nothing policy.  When we first began allowing folks to stay, the area commander told me in no uncertain terms, he didn't support what we were doing. And, basically, if we allowed them to stay at any time, then they were prohibited from asking them to leave at any time.  In other words, if we made any allowances, they would not help.  As our policies have changed, we have tried to have the police help us, and unfortunately they have not.  On various occasions, I have received reports back of what certain (homeless) individuals have said that I said and have had to shake my head that the police would believe such things.  In the same breath an officer will say, "you can't trust anything CM says" and then follow it up with, "we can't kick her off the property because she said Pastor Debbie hired her to be security."  It seems odd that someone who "can't be believed" is allowed to make up all kinds of things about what permissions I have granted.  

It's frustrating, to say the least.

Well, after a year of "battle" with 3 individuals who refuse to heed church instruction, who cuss out church members, who refuse to comply with the police, who break into our buildings, who lie about our policy, who steal from our church, we decided we had to get hard core.  We filed a no trespassing order...one that says that anyone on the property without permission will be arrested on felony charges. 

That feels awful to me.  I don't want the church to have to say "No trespassing, get out of here."  But I also don't want the absence of such a rule to imply "sure, come on over, break into a building, stay, we don't care, oh yeah, and don't bother listening to our people or the police" and that seems to be the message these 3 individuals hear.  

My biggest hope is that the police don't continue to play the all-or-nothing game arresting anyone on the property. They all know who the problem characters are, because they present a problem to the police too.  

Please pray for us as we continue on this journey and try and do what is most faithful along the way. 

You should write a book

Sunday, after I greeted everyone in the reception line, one parishioner came back to talk with me.  He was very kind and told me I have a way with words.  He added that he really appreciates my preaching, both on Sunday mornings, and at funeral services.  He told me I should write a book or do some memoirs.  I was flattered, and to be honest, a bit surprised since I felt like my sermon was sub par.  It’s amazing how God uses people to offer encouragement at the times when I feel ready to just throw up my hands.  It’s also amazing to me that God can use my words when I haven’t done the necessary preparation.  I told the parishioner that I blog, but he wasn’t quite satisfied with that as my medium…he wanted me to put it in print.  

Sunday was also a potluck Sunday, so after I locked up the church, I went to greet people and I saw this man again and he handed me a note card that read “Write a Book.”  Apparently he wanted to be sure I got the message.

I love volunteers

This year brought a lot of changes to my ministry. Not the least of which was having to cut 6 part time staff members and move to a volunteer based "staff".  Managing that level of change was demanding. There was a lot to do and organize so that each job could have someone step in and know what to do and how to do it and where to find necessary supplies.  It took us about 3 months to work fully through the transition and work out the major kinks.  And now, we have about 20 volunteers who come in weekly to help with everything from scrubbing toilets, to leading the choir, to children's ministries, to running the office.  And, most of our volunteers are regulars--they volunteer each week to do the same or a similar task.  And they do a wonderful job.  

As part of that transition and then getting ready for maternity leave, I had a lot to delegate.  And in delegating, I realized just how many things I had been doing.  And I realized how few things I had been delegating before it was "necessary".  In a lot of ways, I had been hindering the ministries of the church by not allowing more people to take part, and take leadership, in the various ministries that we do.

As I prepared to come back from maternity leave, I was afraid that many people would want to abdicate their responsibilities and I would be left returning to all of the administrative items that were eating up my time (and not feeding my soul in the ways that other ministries tend to).  Fortunately, kept doing what they were doing, and they did a great job.  Now we have folks swing by just to see if anything needs to be done. It's so awesome to see their willingness and to not have to do the things that suck your time away!

A good baby

I have been back at work for a month and a half now and while it's been good, it's also been challenging.  I am both working full time and caring for Ruth full time and it's been difficult.  By most accounts, Ruth is a great baby.  She is happy, sleeps well, eats well, and is healthy.  Her only "struggle" (and I'm not even sure that's the appropriate word) is that she can be particular about how she is held or who she is with.  Our phrase around here is "she makes you work for it." She sleeps well, but if she is overtired she will fight sleep, and will make you "work for it" to get her to sleep. Or, often, when being held, she doesn't want to simply be cuddled, she wants to be walked, and bounced and to have you stand her up and face her out so she can see everything around her.  This isn't as much a challenge for her as it is for those who want to hold her.  

She likes people and wants to watch people and will refuse to sleep if there are things to do and people to watch.  But there seems to be this crazy expectation from people that she will just pass from person to person and cuddle with whomever wants a "baby fix". And that's simply not the case.  I don't mind it because I don't think it's a flaw. I think she's just young and getting used to the world and all the people around her.  But it is sometimes difficult when I can't just hand her off to someone and have them hold her so I can do something.  Or, lots of folks, who think she should just be happy to cuddle, get hurt or frustrated when she starts to cry when they hold her.  It's hard to balance (and sometimes battle) the expectations of others. Especially since folks have this other idea that "church babies" are the most social of all.  

I don't like to disappoint people, and I feel like Ruth is an extension of me, and I don't want others to be disappointed by her (I said it that way intentionally, not that she is directly disappointing them, but that they are disappointed because their expectations aren't met).  But the reality is she's her own person and she does things her way and there's no wrong or right way about her way (not yet anyway...she's only 3 1/2 months old). 

I've come to somewhat loathe the notions of a "good baby" that people hold.  A good baby is one who is quiet, doesn't fuss, hardly cries, sleeps, eats, and is happy with anyone and everyone.  I know that logically people can't honestly believe that that's how babies are...babies cry--it's how they communicate, and not crying is not really a good thing, it's generally a sign that something big is wrong.  If you are honest about it, babies are babies and they are a lot of work (and a tremendous blessing) and they have their own personality, and they cry, and they fuss (even if they don't know why), and they sleep and they eat and they are changing so regularly that they aren't terribly predictable (other than needing to sleep and eat and be loved on).  Quite honestly, I think Ruth is perfect.  Not in the cultural sense of perfect--she's not flawless and she certainly doesn't make life "easy" for me. But she is a wonderful joy.  Just her smile can make all kinds of worries and frustrations melt away.  Even when she is terribly upset and almost inconsolable, she's perfectly wonderful.  It's not her fault I can't figure out what to do.  And once she does get fed and get some sleep (that's normally the best answer to anything!), she's happy as a clam and all smiles once again, as if the injustice and hardship of being overtired or overstimulated never even happened.  

She's wonderful and I wish people could simply see that without having a need to evaluate every fuss, every cry, every giggle for whether or not she is "good". She is good because God created her in God's image. She is perfectly and wonderfully made and there's no two ways about it.