Thursday, February 3, 2011

When you're not using your gifts

I blame my lack of blogging on this.  I know that's not really fair since I was short on blogs long before that drama started, but to be quite honest, it has sucked me dry in the last 6 months.

I am good at administration. I think in systems and organization and things like that, so administration comes fairly naturally. But it does not feed my soul. It has needed to be done, so I've done it. There's been no two ways around that, but I am finding myself more and more drained for the work I do.  

If I had to say what does feed me in ministry, I would say:
Designing worship experiences that touch people deeply
Pushing people (in a good/constructive way) to grow in their faith and their beliefs

Those are the things I love. Those are the things I can drag my heels getting to (because I'm tired, or lazy, or had a hard day) and feel new energy after I've done them.  Ideally, that's where I'd spend the majority of my time and energy each day.

But it hasn't worked that way as of late. You could say it's about priorities and what I chose to do and that I could simply make different choices and then do what inspires me. And, on some level, you might be right. But I'd also have to argue that you aren't being very practical. If half your house is caving in, you shouldn't just walk away to the half that's not and pretend the other isn't happening. You could, sure. But you shouldn't. Not if you ever want to get back to that other half of the house.  So I've been in the crumbling, messy, disorganized part trying to get us back on our feet and functioning with the hope that once the big stuff becomes organized and clear, the rest will be quite a bit easier.

And I'm tired. It's rugged, demanding work. But it's only for a season, and some day, that season will be over and I will be in a new season, and maybe then I can focus on the things I truly love that give me life.  In the meantime, I'm trying to bring back pieces so that I can have more energy for the work that does drain me.

No comments: