Saturday, November 5, 2016

I hate to say it

Lots of people ask how I'm doing in dealing with my mom's death.  Most of the time I can say "I'm fine" or "About like you'd expect." And when I do I can keep it together and hardly feel the weight of the grief. I'm good at compartmentalizing and at deflecting. It's a practiced art. But sometimes I'm forced to name it outloud. I'll be sharing with someone who doesn't know and I'll have to say it.  Actaully say it.

"My mom died this summer."

And that's when it's hard.  That's when it's really real and I can't just gloss over it and pretend I'll be able to call her up tomorrow.  And I hate it.  I hate to say it because then the wall that holds all those emotions at bay cracks wide open and there they are in all their teary snotty splendor.

And yet as much as I hate it,  I know it's important and necessary and good.'s a part of the grief.  And my reality,  our reality,  is she's gone.  She's not with us.  She's not there for advice,  or support, or encouragement. And I hate that even more than I hate saying it. 


Kristine Muñoz said...

I felt exactly this way when I lost my mother: saying it out loud reduced me to sobs for months. There is no other loss that can possibly compare. Prayers ascending, Deb.

bthomas said...

Just found this. Profound regret for your loss. May God grant you his promised grace and mercy as you place your faith and trust in him.

Unknown said...

Oh how you touched my heart. I too, hate the fact that I cannot call my mother and ask her advice or have her see me as a pastor (and loving it). Thanks for saying it out loud.