Sunday, May 2, 2010

Do you ever just want to throw down?

(“throw down” means fight…I’m guessing it alludes to throwing down your gloves or something, but I can’t tell you for sure)

So, there have been an inordinate number of problems and conflicts at the church lately. As is usually the case with church business, I can’t detail most of it here, but let’s just say it’s been way too much at once. I have been overwhelmed and often feel totally ill-equipped to do the job I do. There have been personality issues, staff issues, moral issues, and more. 

But one of the things that has been particularly striking to me is how being so tired and frustrated has led me to want to just lay down the law and fight. (I need to say here I’m not a fighter. I’ve never been in a fight. I have never thrown a punch. I’ve never even been hit. I was only challenged once in High school and that was because I called someone out as lazy and ridiculous in class and she was not thrilled (go figure) and she came after me after class. I let her throw her insults and threats, looked around and saw my friends had left me, but I stood my ground, and she walked away…no fight. ) and when I say here that I want to fight, it’s typically not a physical fight I’m ready for. I’m much quicker with words. 

When people act out or act a fool and seriously disrupt things, my desire is to tear them apart with words. I have been tempted to put folks in their place. Now, I know this isn’t the normal type of confession you’d expect from a pastor, but it’s the reality of how I’ve felt.

Now, fortunately, I have had enough sense not to say anything. I’m typically pretty good at diplomacy. But I need to say it has taken extra concentration and patience lately. I have not wanted to be super nice with my words. I’ve wanted to be straightforward and blunt. Not p.c. or nice.

Gratefully, I held my tongue, and in doing so, I encountered greater wisdom about how to handle some very difficult situations and things are better in many areas. (Others still need the right words and I’m getting there with caution and patience). 

So, here’s looking forward to more days of non-violence (both with word and with deed).

1 comment:

johnsue said...

I think the term "throwdown" may have something to do with wrestling...maybe R will be able to share some insight. I know I had to take resentment and bitterness to the alter today during communion. Bless you, my dear, in all your "challenges". love, mom