This morning I sat and caught up on some blogs. One of those I read was A Home of Her Own on Fidelia's sisters. It resonated not just for the woes of running a home (she owns hers and mine is a parsonage, but there are woes none the less). But it also resonated because of the ways her "plan" had not been fulfilled.
Throughout the years and my plethera of hours not on dates, I have often wondered if I am called to singleness. It some respects it feels like a silly question, afterall, I have felt like I was called to be a mother since time began, but maybe I've misunderstood that calling too. And I've always assumed that being a mother would somehow also involve having a husband...silly me. When I was in junior high school I created a fantasy where I would be married at 23 and would have a size 3 body when it happened. (just for the record, the latter would have required years of anorexia...if not reconstructive surgery to change the size and shape of my bones). Nevertheless I have wondered, maybe every single clergy person has...I wonder if I couldn't fulfill my call better if I didn't have additional attachments and obligations. I wonder if maybe I'm just supposed to be in this space of singleness and to be okay with that.
I go through stages of wanting to date and stages of wanting to not. A friend of mine from seminary and I call it "getting on or off the wagon". The wagon being dating. I'm regularly off the wagon. Sometimes it feels like a parade, me sitting on the curb watching the wagons go by, and other times I have no ideas the wagons are even there because they don't even catch my eye.
For the past week or so I've been craving "us-ness", not having a significant other or even nudging my way toward marraige, but us-ness. Maybe those are one in the same, I don't know. I'm sure they're interlaced at the very least. I'm not craving a date or someone to have on my arm, but rather partnership, the interplay between two people, the sharing of responsibilities, the dialogue about decisions, relying on someone else for some things. That's what I'm wishing for these days. I want us-ness. I want to be an "us" but not for the sake of being cute, or even simply to not be alone, but I want to be an "us" so that "we" can work together, share, nurture, and comfort one another.
I suppose I do want to get on the wagon, but I think it might be a different wagon than I've always ridden before. Strangely I'm not even sure I'd know it if I saw it. And since I'm not prone to "test-driving" wagons, per se, I'm not sure I can even go with an I'll-know-it-when-I-see-it policy.
The other catch to getting on a wagon at this point is that it generally requires knowing someone so you can be invited to get on, being new in the neighborhood/church/city/community my options are limited....wait....I don't even have options at this point, what am I talking about?! So yeah, there's that...no empty (or half empty) wagons driving by...
...guess I'll just go back to dreaming of us-ness for now....
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query us-ness. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query us-ness. Sort by date Show all posts
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
In search of a good man
...or a good housekeeper....either way I think I might be satisfied. I might have poor requirements for a partner these days, my standards are a bit skewed. I've been working crazy hours and have not had a real day of sabbath in over two months. It's been a long fall. I'm normally hyper-vigilant about sabbath, but 4 funerals and 2 weddings and a whole bunch of other stuff have made it nearly impossible.
In the midst of writing papers, planning worship, doing funerals, and attending to *fires* at the church, I've gotten behind on housework etc. I did manage to get the house cleaned and put together for the open house and staff party last week, which was nice, but dishes are back to collecting and laundry is piling up. I hate that. I also hate doing dishes and folding clean laundry so there's no wonder why I let them linger. Don't ask me why, I just do.
So I've decided I need a good man who likes doing those things. I have the feeling he'll probably get fed up with my stacks of papers and laundry piles at some point wondering why on earth I can't simply do these things myself, so maybe we'll just have to do a contract agreement at the outset or something....
I jest, really I do. I have higher aspirations for a partner than those. But I do find myself craving someone else to rely upon and share responsibilities, laments, and joys with. I want us-ness--apparently a common theme for me this year.
I'm not sure what provokes my longing for a relationship, but it seems to be strong these days. Not strong enough to change my actual circumstances mind you, but strong none-the-less. I miss the cuddling, the talking, the laughter, the sharedness of life bit. Maybe one of these days I'll meet someone not from my church, who's a faithful disciple, who shares interests and passions like mine.
In the midst of writing papers, planning worship, doing funerals, and attending to *fires* at the church, I've gotten behind on housework etc. I did manage to get the house cleaned and put together for the open house and staff party last week, which was nice, but dishes are back to collecting and laundry is piling up. I hate that. I also hate doing dishes and folding clean laundry so there's no wonder why I let them linger. Don't ask me why, I just do.
So I've decided I need a good man who likes doing those things. I have the feeling he'll probably get fed up with my stacks of papers and laundry piles at some point wondering why on earth I can't simply do these things myself, so maybe we'll just have to do a contract agreement at the outset or something....
I jest, really I do. I have higher aspirations for a partner than those. But I do find myself craving someone else to rely upon and share responsibilities, laments, and joys with. I want us-ness--apparently a common theme for me this year.
I'm not sure what provokes my longing for a relationship, but it seems to be strong these days. Not strong enough to change my actual circumstances mind you, but strong none-the-less. I miss the cuddling, the talking, the laughter, the sharedness of life bit. Maybe one of these days I'll meet someone not from my church, who's a faithful disciple, who shares interests and passions like mine.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
The problem with privilege
I have been thinking about pieces of this post for a long time now, and figured today was as good a day as any to actually flesh out my thoughts.
I have been realizing more and more lately how much privilege I enjoy. Both on a worldly level, and even by American standards. (For the record, I feel guilty about having many of these privileges, so I'm hesitant to even name them. I suppose in some ways, they could be my "thanksgiving list" but in other ways, they are a challenge to me to try and live differently, to understand others, and to not live with notions of entitlement).
Here are just a few privileges I enjoy:
1) A guaranteed job
2) 4 weeks paid vacation, promised by my church, plus study leave.
3) Enough funds to actually go places with my paid vacation.
4) Guaranteed medical insurance.
5) Freedom, for the most part, of sexual harassment in the work place and the ability to raise a fuss if an incident does occur.
6) Private transportation...a.k.a. a car.
7) A family that is on speaking terms, across the board.
8) The privilege/freedom to walk into a store and buy what I want, even if it's not on sale or not on my shopping list.
9) Being able to loan money to friends when they are stretched too tight.
10) Having a little bit more than living paycheck to paycheck.
11) Being able to work in a profession I love and care about.
12) Being able to express my opinions openly and honestly in just about any forum (this is as much a privilege of having been taught to express myself as it is a freedom of speech...)
13) Having clean drinkable water from the tap.
14) Being able to take a hot shower every day, any time I want.
15) Having a home that more than suits my needs.
16) Not having to endure abuse in my home.
17) Good credit.
I enjoy lots of other privileges. I'm sure I could go on and on and on. And others could probably also point out others that are so much a part of my privileged-ness that I don't even realize they are privileges. I think in some ways I struggle with a desire to renounce my privilege, because although in our modern world they are privileges, there are many I think of as rights, not privileges. I think everyone has the right (or at least should have the right) to express him/herself, to have a job they love, to have potable water throughout the day, to have enough to eat, to be free from abuses, etc. So there are some privileges I don't want to give up, both because I enjoy them, but also because I think all of us should be able to enjoy them. But in that I also have to recognize that as long as there are others who are not enjoying those privileges, it is, at least in part, because I have not fought hard enough for justice, or because I am hoarding the privilege for myself. And that is a problem.
I've thought about doing a Lenten discipline of trying to avoid the use of some of my privileges--of making a strict and limited budget and forcing myself to stick with it (in a sense forcing myself to live on minimum wage), even if things are tough, of not using my private transportation and forcing myself to use public transit or my own two feet, of not buying with credit. As I had mused on this post before, I had other ideas for what I should deny myself (including meat and specialty foods), but am lacking for some of those ideas now as I write. I also think that I shouldn't be so privileged as to wait until Lent. Maybe I should start today....and then I start justifying my actions..."well, it's Christmas time and that means shopping and so I don't want to begin a more limited budget now"...you know, the normal stuff--the normal stuff anyway for those of us with privilege enough that we can afford to wait.
Some might say I should just count my blessings today. But for those without these privileges, I probably stand as a reminder of what they don't have, of my elitism, and the nature of the beast where those with power and privilege refuse to actually change the system for fear that they (meaning me) would actually have to give something up. This post is humbling, and, in many ways, guilt inducing, which is probably a good indicator that things need to change.
I think the primary problem with privilege is we keep expecting more of it. Privilege is the fount of entitlement, which, in turn, is the fount of injustice, at least in my mind.
I have been realizing more and more lately how much privilege I enjoy. Both on a worldly level, and even by American standards. (For the record, I feel guilty about having many of these privileges, so I'm hesitant to even name them. I suppose in some ways, they could be my "thanksgiving list" but in other ways, they are a challenge to me to try and live differently, to understand others, and to not live with notions of entitlement).
Here are just a few privileges I enjoy:
1) A guaranteed job
2) 4 weeks paid vacation, promised by my church, plus study leave.
3) Enough funds to actually go places with my paid vacation.
4) Guaranteed medical insurance.
5) Freedom, for the most part, of sexual harassment in the work place and the ability to raise a fuss if an incident does occur.
6) Private transportation...a.k.a. a car.
7) A family that is on speaking terms, across the board.
8) The privilege/freedom to walk into a store and buy what I want, even if it's not on sale or not on my shopping list.
9) Being able to loan money to friends when they are stretched too tight.
10) Having a little bit more than living paycheck to paycheck.
11) Being able to work in a profession I love and care about.
12) Being able to express my opinions openly and honestly in just about any forum (this is as much a privilege of having been taught to express myself as it is a freedom of speech...)
13) Having clean drinkable water from the tap.
14) Being able to take a hot shower every day, any time I want.
15) Having a home that more than suits my needs.
16) Not having to endure abuse in my home.
17) Good credit.
I enjoy lots of other privileges. I'm sure I could go on and on and on. And others could probably also point out others that are so much a part of my privileged-ness that I don't even realize they are privileges. I think in some ways I struggle with a desire to renounce my privilege, because although in our modern world they are privileges, there are many I think of as rights, not privileges. I think everyone has the right (or at least should have the right) to express him/herself, to have a job they love, to have potable water throughout the day, to have enough to eat, to be free from abuses, etc. So there are some privileges I don't want to give up, both because I enjoy them, but also because I think all of us should be able to enjoy them. But in that I also have to recognize that as long as there are others who are not enjoying those privileges, it is, at least in part, because I have not fought hard enough for justice, or because I am hoarding the privilege for myself. And that is a problem.
I've thought about doing a Lenten discipline of trying to avoid the use of some of my privileges--of making a strict and limited budget and forcing myself to stick with it (in a sense forcing myself to live on minimum wage), even if things are tough, of not using my private transportation and forcing myself to use public transit or my own two feet, of not buying with credit. As I had mused on this post before, I had other ideas for what I should deny myself (including meat and specialty foods), but am lacking for some of those ideas now as I write. I also think that I shouldn't be so privileged as to wait until Lent. Maybe I should start today....and then I start justifying my actions..."well, it's Christmas time and that means shopping and so I don't want to begin a more limited budget now"...you know, the normal stuff--the normal stuff anyway for those of us with privilege enough that we can afford to wait.
Some might say I should just count my blessings today. But for those without these privileges, I probably stand as a reminder of what they don't have, of my elitism, and the nature of the beast where those with power and privilege refuse to actually change the system for fear that they (meaning me) would actually have to give something up. This post is humbling, and, in many ways, guilt inducing, which is probably a good indicator that things need to change.
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