Sermon Prep Prayer

Lord, humble me to do your work.

 Clear my mind. 

Heal my heart. 

Give me the energy and inspiration I need to hear your voice

 through Scripture and liturgy and to share you with your people.

  Give me grace 

and give me the courage to receive it in its fullness. 

 Through Christ our Lord, 

amen.

Dream big

This last June, at Annual Conference, we heard a speech on #imaginenomalaria that was truly inspiring.  It was fun to imagine with the speaker and imagine young lives that were spared from a tragic death to Malaria, young minds who became teachers, leaders, doctors, and pioneers for the modern world.  We imagined a world where malaria claimed no more lives and communities faced a very different future.  I was truly inspired to dream. And as I started to dream, I began to dream for my church, for the church really, but specifically for the church I serve.  The following is not a complete list, but it does highlight my dream for the church.

I have a dream

• for a church full of life!
• for a worship service that inspires, challenges, and uplifts
• for children filling our halls and classrooms with laughter, learning and the love of God
• of inclusiveness that claims people diverse in age, race, language, sexual orientation, and culture
• of a church that welcomes people as they are and empowers them to move into God's future
• of a playground that is well-lit, joyful, and loud
• of a sanctuary that is full of people seeking after God and striving to be righteous
• of a church where people gather to know and be known by others in the faith
• of a church that makes a noticeable differnce in our community whether or not those individuals cross the threshold of the sanctuary
• of a church partnered with a community of faith somewhere in the world
• for a church that seeks meaningful and life-giving change for our congregation before our life as a church is at risk
• for a budget that is solid and gives significant dollars to new ministries and ministries that change us
• of a church where we empower and encourage each step of the way

Having said all of  that, I need to emphasize that I work for an amazing group of believers.  The people I serve locally are faithful, generous, and dedicated disciples.  And even as faithful, generous, and dedicated believers, there is still more we can do and be as the body of Christ.  

And so I have a dream.  I have a dream of being more in a way that draws others into relationship with Christ and develops the next generation of church leaders.   I have a dream of a church so alive that the presence of God in our midst is absolutely undeniable.  

What is your dream?

The best mom

I have the best mom (and dad, but this time mom gets the spotlight).  She is an amazing parent who taught, disciplines, empowered, and loved us intentionally, thoughtfully, and purposefully.  And as we grew up, she continued to teach us the reasoning for why she did what she did as a parent.  I wish that everyone were so lucky to have had parents like mine (ours, hey there Kathy and David!) 

The other night Rick and I had a long time friend (yep, it's been 10 years since I studied abroad and met this amazing lady) and her in law and her 4 kids (the in law's, not the friend's).  It was a fun night with a houseful of folks.  Four adults, Ruth (2), a 7 year old, an almost 2 year old, and twins.  (Plus the 4 dogs of course).  We had a good dinner and some fun play time.  The mom was easy going and adapted easily to being in our midst and receiving help from all the adults around.  In the morning, after breakfast, she laughingly mentioned that she thought it was funny (cute?) how I kept giving the kids options, that she just tells them what to do or what they get.  

I pulled out the old Sue Camphouse handbook and explained why I give so many options (that it helps empower the kids and teach decision making) and that I generally limit the options offering milk and water because those are acceptable choices in my book instead of coffee or say beer.  I structure the choices and even though they might not like the options, at least they have an option.  

The visiting mother explained that her mom told her not to give her kids options because it would only cause them to rebel later on.  My heart sank when I heard that.  I LOVE having options (probably because we had them as kids).  But even as an adult, I want options.  If I'm going away for just one night, I always pack an option on outfits simply because I like having a choice.  And that's something simple and straightforward. On things that are serious or more complex, I want even more options. I want to know that my desires matter, that my opinion counts.  And that's no less true for a child.  They may not have the same depth of comprehension, but they still want a choice.  

I tried to reexplain the value of giving her kids options and the fact that as the option-giver, she could set up whatever options were acceptable to her.  I'm not sure if she learned anything, but I hope so.  I hope she saw that even she has options and that she will better serve/raise her kids if they too have options.

All of that is to say, "Thank you Mom." I am grateful for the ways you raised us, and the ways you taught us the value of your parenting techniques.  If you struggle in your parenting or wish you had had a different example growing up, know that there are alternatives (choices!) out there. There are books, videos, resources, and amazing people who can help you to raise your little person(s) to be thoughtful and empowered adults.

In one word

The other day I was talking with someone from the church and she was asking about someone else from the church, someone she doesn't know. She asked me to describe her in one word.  One word?!  I paused and thought.  I tried to think of words that might be appropriate, words that might suffice.  Well...?  I'm thinking.  One word?  Yeah.  I don't think I can do one word.  Why not?  I'm a preacher. I use words, it's my art.  I don't think I could describe anyone in one word.  

And the more I thought about it, I couldn't do it.  There was no one word that was sufficient for describing that woman, or anyone I could think of.  I couldn't describe myself in one word.  I'm afraid that if we can describe anyone in just one word that we don't actually know that person.  None of us is so flat in our personhood that one word is sufficient for telling any kind of real truth about us.  Even my two year old daughter has more life, more vibrancy, and more personality than could be contained in just one word.  She is funny.  She's sweet. She's smart. She's independent. She's adventurous. She's curious.  She's beautiful. She's precious. She's energetic.  She is all of those things and no one word is sufficient to capture her big personality, even though it's bound up in a little body.  

And yet, as impossible as this task is, we do it all the time with people we don't know. Or maybe people we do know well, but simply don't like.  We want to summarize them in one word to keep them bound by the hurt they've imposed or the injustice that is served.  

Think about it.  Who do you characterize with just one word?

The vagabond?
The drunk?  
The *****? 
The adulterer?
The liar? 
The slut? 
The prude?
The dictator?  
The slacker?
The crazy one? 
The whiner?

Who else? How have you narrowed your view and understanding of that person?  What parts of his/her character are you failing to see? Refusing to see?  

What would change in the dynamic of your relationship if you were willing to see the bigger picture?  

I know that my challenge often lies in needing to allow myself to feel greater compassion and spend more time with those that burden my heart.  Not that I never do this, just that when I'm tired or frustrated or weary, it's easier to turn a blind eye when it's that ____________ instead of the whole person.  

Struggling with this "one word" inquiry reminds me to look with eyes wide open.  It challenges me to see the whole person, not the summary of a person who can easily be dismissed or forgotten. 

You're not failing as a pastor

This morning I read this post and it struck me pretty hard, in a good way. 
It was nice to be told that I'm not a failure even though my parenting falls short. 
I've really been struggling lately feeling like I'm not measuring up to who and what I want to be. 
I can readily point out the many areas where I'm failing as a parent.  This article spoke right to me.  And as I thought further, I saw how critical I've been of my pastor self too.  So, I thought I'd write a similar piece but directed at pastors.  Or maybe just directed at me.  If it speaks to you too, even better. 

I love my job.  It is a privilege, an honor, and a blessing to share sacred space with people.  It is the greatest privilege imaginable to be invited into their most tender places to offer comfort, peace, truth, and compassion.  Those times fuel my spirit for the work I do.  Caring in those ways and hearing painful truths can also feel very heavy.  And in the midst of a myriad of responsibilities, it can be hard to find create space to unload and let God refill me with grace, love, and compassion.

I am also an administrator, planner, communicator, leader, designer, quasi nurse-on-call (I'm in no way a medical professional, but on multiple occasions I have been asked medical advice or needed to step in after seeing symptoms that were reflective of a more serious condition), plumber, painter, problem solver, complaint department chair, worship planner, quasi- musician, and whatever-else-is-demanded-but-not-met go-to-gal.  This part is exhausting.  It doesn't have to be that bad, but when too many people call on you for too many things, it's downright exhausting and without anyone consistent/paid/constant to share the responsibility, it will wear you down. 

Currently, I'm worn down.  I feel tired on a daily basis.  Sometimes it's not clear whether it's parenting, or wife-ing, or pastoring, or all-of-it-ing, but I'm weary.  I know the signs.  It's not good.  It's not bad, yet, but it's not good either.  This level of fatigue generally means one of two things in my life 1) depression or 2) burn out.  At the worst of times, it's both. 

In this state of tired, I can't see the forest for the trees. All I see are the things I am missing, getting wrong, or only doing half-way.  And the cycle perpetuates itself quite nicely.  Because once I've labeled myself a failure that label sticks like gorilla glue.  It's a hard one to slough. 

In an effort to lift the darkness, today, I will refuse to label myself a failure.  Today I will claim the following:

You are not a failure as a pastor if you don't spend 10 hours preparing your sermon.
You are not a failure as a pastor if there is a growing stack of papers on your desk.
You are not a failure as a pastor if you haven't visited a certain parishioner because they just take it out of you.
You are not a failure as a pastor simply because someone always finds something to critique about you.
You are not failing as a pastor when you take time to read.
You are not failing as a pastor when you  take time to clean your office.
You are not failing as a pastor when you spend time with your family. 
You are not failing as a pastor when you spend time with colleagues. 
You are not failing as a pastor when you send your bulletin information in late.
You are not failing as a pastor when you only pray once for a request. 
You are not failing as a pastor when you take time to just be.
You are not failing as a pastor when you have to say "no". 
You are not failing as a pastor because you over-committed.  
You are not failing as a pastor when you allow Facebook to be your community. 
You are not failing as a pastor when you don't meet the world's standards.
You are not failing as a pastor when you don't meet your own standards.  
You are not failing as a pastor because someone else does part of the job "better". 

I have to say, these are hard to write.  I'm inclined to say, "but" after most of them.  Not to you of course. But to myself.  I could easily argue how each of these is a failure, and that's why I've been stuck.  But for today, at least, there will be no rebuttal.  What I do is enough.  What I don't do is ok.  I'm not failing as a pastor. 

As God's way of shining a light upon my path, I spoke with a parishioner today who has been away and known nothing of how I've been feeling. And yet, as she thought of me and prayed, God gave her clear insight into my struggles and offered a word of encouragement through her.  It was just what I needed to hear.  She said, "Am I making sense?"  And I responded that she was and that God gave her the exact message I needed to hear.  I'm not failing. God is providing through me and the people have what they need. 

My final thought on this, at least for today, is that as clergy, we are afforded the privilege of never working alone.  God is always here, ready, as a helpmate. 

Thank God for that.

Quote of the day

I read this quote in this article today.  I liked it because it's true. And I feel I can share it because I'm not disappointed, so it is in no way an unarticulated dig at my husband.  It's just one of the truths about marriage:

The beauty of marriage is two flawed people living under one roof, choosing to be faithful, even when we're disappointed.

 In Christian marriage, we are invited to be faithful, in the good times and the bad, through sickness and health, in richer and in poorer.  Meaning, we are called, committed, covenanted to be faithful when we want to be, when things are going right, and when we wouldn't dream of looking elsewhere.  AND we are called, committed, and covenanted to being faithful when we are disappointed, when everything is going right, when we wonder "Why on earth did I choose to marry _______ anyway?"  

There is beauty, and richness, and blessing in being faithful.  We grow in trust, we grow in vulnerability, we grow in love.  And that, after all, is the reason God calls us to be together anyway, isn't it?

Co Parenting Marriage Questionnaire

If you are looking to marry someone who already has children, it is important to have many conversations about how you plan to raise those children together and what your priorities, values, and rules are.  Below is a guide for that conversation with some starting points for some issues that could arise.  

**As a married couple, you will have many new adventures, celebrations and challenges. As co-parents, there will be many others to add to that list.  It is important to foster communication on every level as a couple, and even more so as parents.  Below are a number of questions relating to different areas of life.  I would encourage you to look through them and answer them for yourselves as individuals and then share them with each other. After you talk through them together, I would encourage you to choose the relevant areas to talk about with your child(ren). Remember communication is important, not just for you as a couple, but also for your whole family.

What is your role as a parent as far as instigating work or education?

·         for biological parent(s)?

·         For step/co parent?

How much are you willing to pay to support each kid? For how long?

·         For School?

o   Are grades a factor?

o   What actions or behaviors would cause you to limit or stop financial support?

o   If support were lost, are there actions that could earn it back?

·         For Living?

o   How much?

o   How often?

o   What actions or behaviors would cause you to limit or stop financial support?

o   If support were lost, are there actions that could earn it back?

o   Where does this money come from?

o   What if one of you loses your job or takes a pay cut, how will that affect financial support of the child(ren)?

·         For clothes? Shoes? Necessities?

·         For movies, shopping, food, or fun stuff?

What are the chore responsibilities for kids? For the adults/parents/couple?

·         What is currently happening as far as chores?

·         Are there things you would like to change now?

·         Is there a schedule?

·         When are chores expected to be completed?

·         What happens if they aren’t done?

·         Who is responsible for calling attention to undone jobs/chores?

·         Are there incentives (like an allowance) for completing chores?

·         **It would be good to discuss this as a couple and then with children living in the home so everyone is clear about expectations, rules, and consequences.

Who is responsible for cooking/meals?

·         Who buys groceries?

·         What is the budget for groceries?

·         For meals out?

·         Is there a set time for when meals should be ready?

·         When do you (each) need/prefer to eat?

·         If there is designated cook, what happens if someone else wants or needs to cook? 

·         If there is a designated cook, how often would that person not be responsible for meals?

·         If there is not a designated cook, who decides who will cook each main meal?

·         What are your expectations as far as eating together as a couple?  As a family?

How do you handle discipline for the kids? Who reprimands the kids? Asks them to follow through?

·         What if discipline is needed?

·         Are there set rules?

·         Consequences?

·         Are there currently any problem areas? 

·         What are the kids doing well already that they can be praised for?

Who has what level of authority in terms of parenting? In terms of running the house? How will you establish it?

What are your priorities as a couple? What are your goals?

·         Where do you see yourselves

o   in 5 years?

o   10 years?

o   20 years?

o   30 years?

·         What are your aspirations for work?

·         For your home?

·         For your family?

·         For your budget?

·         For travel?

·         For personal goals or accomplishments?

·         Where are your priorities different?

What are your holiday customs and rituals?

·         Where do you spend the holidays?

·         Which holidays do you celebrate?

·         Which customs/rituals are extra important to include (a certain food on Thanksgiving? A certain custom around decorating the house for Christmas? When do you open Christmas presents?)

·         Which family and/or friends do you spend your holidays with?

·         What new customs/rituals would you like to establish for yourselves as a couple? As a family?

·         How will custody be shared with the kids’ biological mother? Is there already a schedule in place? What about with additional family or in-laws?

How important is practice of faith/religion to you?

·         What are your expectations for _______________________ (both for yourself and for your spouse)

·         worship?

·         For bible study?

·         For prayer?

·         For mission?

·         For fellowship?

·         What are your expectations for the kids and church?

·         Will you pray at meals?

o   At home?

o   In public?

o   Together?

o   A set prayer or a spontaneous prayer?

5 Love Languages

I am a huge advocate of the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I use it in marriage counseling all the time. I have also referred to them a number of times here on this site.  Below is a summary I use or overview in working with couples.  It is not complete nor does it suffice for reading the book yourself, but hopefully the overview piques your interest.

Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Quality Time

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

To learn which love language you speak, take the assessment at http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/

5 Languages of apology

In any relationship, we have struggles, disagreements, fights, and hurt feelings.  For each relationship, we need to be intentional about healing the trust in our relationships. To do so, it requires an apology. Like love languages, we each have an apology language that speaks to us more clearly than another. 

For more information, go to

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/personal-profiles/apology/