Then one day

From the beginning of this journey, I have had the thought, "I'm not a runner, why am I doing this?!" run through my head during most of my training.  I have struggled with the workouts, partly in a physical sense, but mostly in a psychological sense.  I'm not a runner.  At least, I wasn't.  I wasn't a runner.  Not in high school when I "ran" track. Not in college or seminary or afterward. I wasn't a runner. I wasn't a runner when I signed up to run a half marathon, which seems crazy in and of itself. I mean, why run a half marathon if you're not a runner?!?!  The truthful answer is, I signed up to run to raise money for a cause and work toward a cure for leukemia and lymphoma (which also, by default, has a way of helping with a cure for other cancers too...).  I was inspired by Kathleen Stout and her struggle as we as her victory and the statistics that changed so dramatically to offer life instead of death to those with a blood cancer diagnosis.  So I signed up. I didn't sign up for the running. I signed up to be challenged and to do the fundraising and work for something beyond myself. 

Only, the thing that happened with all that running and training and such was that somehow in the midst of it, I became a runner.  There wasn't some glorified Hollywood moment when I took off like Jackie Joyner Kersee.  It just happened, subtly and unannounced.  One training I was fighting the constant thought, "I'm not a runner" and then somehow on the next I wasn't.  And somehow when it came to running 12 miles, I was undaunted, excited even.  And then the next week when we ran 6 miles, I said, "We only ran 6 this week."  ONLY being the operative word.  Only 6?!?  Who says that?  Runners do.  Runners who do much greater distances and see 6 as a reprieve say "only 6".  And that's when I knew for sure. I'm now a runner.

The Power of Good Coach

Today's run hit the double digits. Today was the first time we did 10 miles as a team. 

I was not ready to run.  I did not want to get out of bed. I did not want to run in the rain. I did not have any kind of desire to get on the course. But I knew I needed to and doubted whether or not I would be able to make next week's training, so I pushed to get out of bed. 

I arrived late and then I started out behind and figured that was fine. I took my time and started by walking and then doing some extra stretches.  Even the basics of the run started with a few SNAFUs.  When I took off my camel pack to stretch I saw that my water pouch was leaking. It was wet through the bottom of the pack and was soaking my shirt, sweatshirt, and pants.  And when I started my ipod, I found the battery was dead even though it was left charging all night.  It was not a good start.  But I knew those things were minor and just kept going.  My pace was slow but steady and I had to keep plugging along.  By 3 miles I was stretched out, feeling loose and pretty proud that 3 miles feels simple and easy on any given day.  I had to make a pit stop and then got back on track, only there was no chalking to indicate the way and no teammates in sight. I had no idea if I was going the right way or not. I had not taken an instruction sheet and I had not heard the general course overview.  Despite all that. I kept going figuring at least I'd get the run done, even if I was on the wrong course. 

At 4 miles, I saw some teammates in the walking group and then started seeing others on their way back.  At 4.5 there was a water stop and Coach Mel was there.  She joined me to go up the hill (the last bit before the turn around) and then stayed with me all the way back. She let me set the pace and we talked the whole way back.  I'm much slower than she is, but her presence made me want to push harder, run longer and more often. And talking made the time go quickly.  Not only were miles 5-10 bearable, they were easy, they were fun even. 

Mel has kept me company on more than one occasion and has never fussed about my pace. She gives me tips on form and answers questions and keeps conversation going.  And her energy, enthusiasm, and skill inspire me to keep trying and working on being better.  And every time I am grateful for her presence as a coach.  She has been a leader, an encourager, and a guide. I am blessed by her with my training and inspired to look at my own "coaching" as a pastor in light of her example. 

If you would like to donate to fight blood cancer, click here.

Not a Loner Afterall

I've found that I run at a different pace than most of the group. I don't walk the whole time, but I'm not strong/fast enough to keep a 4:1 (4 minutes running, 1 minute walking) pace either, and there's no way I could do the 5:1 pace more than once or twice. So I go at my own rate. I've had to work on not beating myself up for that. I'm out there running/walking and doing that alone (especially for 9 miles!) is a big deal. Who cares if I'm slower than most? So, I've just gone at my own pace. I bring my ipod along and just go and do what works for my body. I do what doesn't stress my asthma but keeps me pushing for more.

Last Saturday at our run, I was sort of beating myself up over it again. I was blaming myself for being too introverted or too much of a loner and thinking it was a social issue and not a running issue. Mid-self-reprimand, I stopped to stretch (I was less than a mile into the run) and a new woman, an alum who was training with us for the day, stopped to check on me and make sure I was ok. I said I was just tight and needed to stretch out more. She stayed with me and we got acquainted as we got back on the track.

In training, as you go, it's valuable to know what pace someone runs/walks (mostly so you know whether or not you'll be keeping pace with each other or if you'll be parting ways soon). We found out we were keeping a pace closer than not and we agreed to do a 2:1 pace together. Her timer was set and kept us going along at a consistent pace. We talked and got to know one another and had a lovely run together. It was nice to finally have someone at my pace and that I was comfortable chatting with along the way. After our turn around, I needed to stop at a rest stop and told her I could catch up, and yet she decided to stay with me and we would journey along together.

I can't tell you how appreciative I was to have a running mate where I didn't feel defeated for not being able to keep up or frustrated for not doing more running. And to top it all off, I finished the NINE MILES on my feet and feeling well!

Thank you D for a great run!

If you'd like to donate to fight blood cancer, click here.

A Little Closer to the Goal

Today I finished 6.2 miles. That's a 10k. It may sound a little vain, but I was super proud of myself. That was a huge deal to me and 6 miles had seemed pretty overwhelming. I walked a lot today, which was in part to hang with the folks I was with and in part to follow Dr's orders for my pregnancy. But walking or running, first or last, it didn't matter. I finished. I did a 10K today! That has had me on Cloud 9 for most of the day.

All along in this training process, I've been a bit hard on myself and easily discouraged thinking "I've never done 5 miles" "There's no way I could do 8 miles" "13 miles might as well be 1000." And then on my way home, I realized something. I realized that though I haven't run those miles before, I've hiked. We have done a good bit of hiking in my family and a couple of years ago I was doing a bootcamp training and felt invincible and decided to try and do Mt. Whitney. My dad signed on and we trained together and we hiked various mountains and logged a good number of miles. Our longest pre-Whitney, was 9 miles round trip. On the day of Whitney, we didn't summit, we hadn't trained enough for the 22 mile round trip. BUT, we did make it just over 11 miles round trip. Only half, yes, but nearly a full half marathon of distance!

Today, that made me pretty excited. All of the sudden, training for the Tinkerbell race didn't seem so crazy. I've done longer hikes. And I did 11 miles at pretty high elevation and crazy steep trails. So the streets of Anaheim and Disneyland won't be quite so daunting.

It was nice to realize fully, not only can I do this, but in many ways I have done this distance before, and I didn't train nearly as well as I am this time around!

If you'd like to donate to fight cancer, click here.

It's Bigger in My Head

This week has been less than ideal for training. It's been busy. I've been tired. I planned to go today and then got held up at work. Tomorrow is the plan. Apparently we are ditching trick or treaters! But hopefully I'll run. Otherwise the 5 miles on Saturday might do me in. We are a good ways in to training at this point and things are getting serious. Weekly runs (like the non-big ones) are up to 4 miles. (as someone who wouldn't have run a mile 3 months ago, 4 just for the heck of it mid-week still seems nuts). This week is 5 miles, next Saturday 6, then 7, then 8, then a week of reprieve at just 5. HA!

When I start to think about 6 or 7 or 8 miles (let alone 13) I get super discouraged. I think there is NO WAY I can do that much. And yet, the thing I've been learning (apparently it's slow to really sink in) is that I can't focus that far out. I only have to focus on today. If I can do 4 miles one week (which I did a couple weeks ago without much trouble at all) then certainly I can do 5 this week. And then I can worry about 6 next week. But for this week all I need to do is focus on the 5. Which really, means focusing on each interval, one at time, and not even thinking about the 5 until you are finally done with it.

I think that's true for a lot of life. It's definitely true for spiritual practices. We hear about the person who meditates for an hour only to find ourselves restless after 2 minutes and think "I can never do that." But we don't start with an hour. We start with 2 minutes, and then go to 3, and then 4, and then 5, so the increase doesn't seem quite so impossible, and in fact, it becomes downright do-able. Then before you know it, you can meditate for 15 minutes without thinking twice about it.

I also imagine (as I've never had to face the reality myself) that managing and facing chemo happens in much the same way. Six weeks of chemo may seem impossible and ugly enough to not even want to bother, but if you can just get through one treatment and then the next and then the next, it never has to be all at once. It's only one manageble thing at a time.

So, for today, well rather tomorrow, it will be my 3 miles of mid-week. And then I'll wait for Saturday to work on those full 5 miles.

Here's to one step at a time.

Others bring you up

In a selfish, self involved, individualistic culture, it's easy to get sucked into the "I can do it on my own" mentality.  Working in the church often spares me from too much isolation, but culture continues to push in the opposite direction. 

Participating in TNT is another counter cultural voice in my life.  Often, when things aren't the way we want them to be in our lives, we hull up.  We self-isolate. And we refuse to share the full truth of our reality. That happens spiritually (we don't want to admit to addiction or sinfulness or back sliding, or a lack of spiritual disciplines) and it happens physically (we don't want to admit bad eating habits, or lack of exercise, or laziness when it comes to our health).  So it's easier to go at it alone, otherwise someone might find us out. 

During the week, I have been training on my own. Not to self-isolate, just because there aren't a lot of team mates in my area and Saturdays are our together day.  And sometimes, on Saturday I'm pushed to run faster or longer than I would on my own.  My team stretches me to be better.  This week, I ran with a teammate who trains nearby and she claimed that she's "slow", well, we weren't running 30 seconds before I knew her pace was a lot faster than mine. She claimed to be a jogger, but she most assuredly was running.  (Where the actual shift from jog to run actually happens, I don't really know).  But she was running.  And I ran with her.  I hadn't stretched properly or done anything the day before and so my calves burned almost instantly and they kept burning.  After one mile I asked to stop and stretch and then we walked mile 2 and then did a mix of running and walking mile 3.  She pushed me to be better.  It wasn't intentional on her part, she didn't set out thinking "I've got to make her a better runner" but her example (and her pace) drove me to up the anty on my own running. 

And that's what community does.  Community that's focused on the same goal anyway.  Community that shares the same values and practices the same disciplines draws us into being better, and that's the way it should be.

Thank you teammates.  Go Team!

If you would like to donate to the cause, click here.

Overcoming obstacles.

I have said it before and I will say it again, I am not a runner.  Running has never been something I have enjoyed or really wanted to do.  And so when I stop to think about what I've embarked on here, it can seem a little crazy.  The two-three miles I do a couple of times a week is not that bad, but 13 miles, that seems totally unrealistic.  Quite frankly it seems darn near impossible!  I try not to focus on the implausible nature of ME running THIRTEEN miles and try to trust that LLS knows what it is doing and will take me there one step/week at a time. 

Nevertheless, sometimes I still get down on all of it.  I come to the end of a walking interval and hear the voice on the computer app tell me, "Start running" and I think "oh shut up, I don't want to run." And then I remind myself, "I do want to fight cancer. I do want to see a cure. I do want people to stop suffering. I do want there to be tangible hope." And so I start picking my feet up a little faster and get back to running. 

This is a challenge.  If I were doing it for myself, I think I might have thrown in the towel a few weeks ago. But this isn't about me. It's bigger than me. And that helps me get over myself and keep at it. 

If you want to help fight cancer, click here to donate.

Taking on a new discipline

 

Many of you have read previous posts about my 1/2 marathon training. So I apologize if this is redundant, but this is what I wrote for our upcoming church newsletter. 

 

 

 

In mid August, I started training for a 1/2 marathon.  Having said that, I have to say, I'm not a runner.  I have never enjoyed running, not even when I ran on the track team in high school!  But in the last few months I had been considering trying for a half or full marathon to help raise money for a cause.  Over Memorial Day weekend (Mule Days for those of us from Bishop) I talked with a childhood friend who has Leukemia.  She shared some of her story and I was inspired to change my thinking into doing and got signed up for a half marathon with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Since then,  I have been running 3-4 times a week and have been using my training time as a sort of spiritual discipline.  It's not a spiritual discipline in formal terms, meaning it's not what you would normally think of like prayer, fasting, service, or meditation.  But it challenges me in ways that I'm not regularly challenged within my faith life.  It started by doing something I don't enjoy.  It requires me to do it even when I'm tired or have "better things to do."  It humbles me as I face my true strengths and weaknesses, not just some fantasy of which I've convinced myself like "running a 1/2 marathon won't be that hard!"  And, in doing it, I've had a change of heart.  I actually enjoy getting out and running. I look forward to it (most days anyway). I can see places where I'm getting better and I'm looking forward to getting even stronger and faster! 

 

For me, I can't help but think of the parallels to our faith life.  How many things (prayer, service, worship, meditation, study, fasting) do we not trying because we "just don't do that type of thing," or "aren't any good"?  And yet, if we commit, for whatever reason, God uses it to grow us and bless us.  Establishing the habit is challenging and our old ways will tempt us at various points, but, if we stick with it, even on the days we don't want to, it will begin to shape us in ways we never imagined.  We may have growth in places we anticipated, but we are also likely to experience growth in ways that were highly unexpected. 

 

This month, I would encourage you to ask God, "What should I try?" And then be open to the answer.  It might be a practice of daily prayer, or of praying in public, or of visiting the sick, or of serving Sunday breakfast, or fasting, or tithing.  Or it may be something unexpected like running or painting or singing where God might touch you most profoundly. 

It's almost becoming a thing

I've said before I'm not a runner. I believe that. Even with 2 years in track, I was not a runner. I don't think I ran the full warm up mile EVER. As with most things in high school, if I could succeed without doing all the work, I would. I wasn't a runner then either.

But now, as I train for this 1/2 marathon, it's sorry of catching on. I look forward to my run days and miss it if my day has been too busy to get out. AND it's offering some relief too. After a long stressful day, my first thought is no longer, "I deserve ice cream" it's "maybe I should run." As a non-runner, that just seems crazy.

But it's a good crazy. I can see it's value and the pay off. Even when I'm not shedding pounds like I hoped, I am getting stronger and healthier and my bad habits are getting changed out. It's a change I celebrate and I'm looking forward to more.

And then you have to do it again

Two days ago I did my first run in training for a half marathon.  Not being a runner, it very easily could have been my last.  It wasn't bad by any stretch, but I wasn't automatically fit and ready to run 10 more either.  Not that that was surprising.  

So today, I had to get out again.  It was late in the day, after work, after dinner, after Ruth's bedtime and Rick invited me to sit and watch a show, something that I would normally do as we decompress after the day.  But I declined and said I needed to run again, otherwise I knew it might a week or two or three before I got out again.  If you lose the momentum, it's hard to gain it back.  So I suited up and got ready. Rick had downloaded a training app for me so he got me hooked up and I was off on my run.  5 minutes of warm up walking. 1 minute run. 1.5 minutes walking, over and over until 20 minutes of run/walk was accomplished and then a 5 minute cool down.  It even syncs with itunes so you have music and it prompts you of when to run and when to walk. 

Half way through I stopped at the church to look for something and ended up talking with a homeless man for a few minutes.  I was sore when I started again and could feel the muscles that have been working to push my body along.  But I ran some more and finished day 2.   And all told it wasn't bad.  I even ran longer than I needed to simply because I could.  


I still have a long way to go in my training, but I've started and I'm ready to keep going.  

I was looking for a picture to include with this post since pics make everything more interesting and came across this one which is probably closest to how I feel at this stage in training.

All in my head

I'm a really good runner.  In my head anyway.  I've known for a couple of months now that I wanted to do the LLS 1/2 marathon in January and that the official training starts in September. Not being a regular runner (who am I kidding a runner of any sort), I thought I should pre-train before the training.  (Sort of like pre-cleaning before someone else comes to clean your house).  I've been thinking that for 2 months now, really almost 3.  I should run.  But in my head, I'm in great shape. In my head getting out and running 3-5 miles is a cinch and getting up to 13 will be no problem at all.  That's in my head.  

Today, I pushed myself out the door to put my money where my mouth is and I got out to run.  I walked a bit with Rick and Ruth and then they headed back to the house and then I went to run and basically I did fartleks (run, walk, run) and fared ok for my 1.5 run walk.  I ran it (and walked it) and I did it.  But in reality, I am not what I am in my head.  I am not a good runner. I'm really not a runner at all. It takes persistence and focus and a ton of emotional and mental effort to get out and do it.  But today I did it.  Running a mile really isn't much. And for my age and health I should be able to do a lot more. But I don't do it and so I can't just pick up and do more.  

But I had to start somewhere. So I started with a mile and hopefully the next will be better and further and more running and less walking.  

It's a good discipline for me. It's something I can do, but I have to put my mind to it. I have to be intentional and dedicated and willing to sacrifice what's comfortable or normal to make it happen.  And that's what a discipline is.  And I have to (or get to) remind myself that that's how it started with the spiritual disciplines as well.  When I first started praying daily with intentionality, it cost me.  It took a lot of intentionalilty and focus. It did not come easily. I could not just pick up and pray and focus. My mind wandered to my to do list and my stressors, or I simply fell asleep.  I had to work at it for it to become comfortable and easy.  And I think this will be true for running too.  I will have to work at it. But if I can be dedicated enough to do it, it will come with practice.  

And frankly, even if I don't learn to love running, if I can stick with this it will be good for my body and will be good for LLS and helping to further the research.  And it'll be a good discipline to work on something that is asked of me and doing it even when I don't love it. 

Here's to the journey. Day 1 accomplished. 

A New Journey

A few months ago I was home for Mule Days and the baptism of a friend's children.  At the baptism party (also a birthday party for her dad), I was talking with Darci's sister who had gone to the hospital earlier in the day with cellulitis.  I've known the family since I was in preschool and have watched Kathleen grow up.  I've also known she had struggled with health issues while in college but didn't know what exactly was going on.  When she got back from the hospital we were talking and she shared that she had had cellulitis about a dozen times in the last year or two. She also shared that it's a biproduct of the leukemia and her treatments.  She shared that she is on an oral chemo therapy treatment that she takes daily. She shared that she will likely be on this medicine (or some other variation) for the rest of her life.  Kathleen also shared that this new medicine is much better than the old medicine and that there have been great advancements in the last few years with regard to the daily chemo meds.  She shared that when she was diagnosed the statistics were that with the medicine they had there was an 80% likelihood of death within 5 years of diagnosis, even with the medicine.  The advancements have been so great that now, with the new meds, there is an 80% likelihood of life 5 years after the diagnosis.  That turn around is huge.  And it spoke to me in a powerful way that the research DOES make a real and tangible difference.  Not just "some day" but NOW.  

Sharing with Kathleen inspired me.  I wanted to do something to help further the research and continue to help them improve the odds and quality of life for those living with leukemia.  So I am beginning a journey with Team in Training (TNT) with the Leukemia Lymphoma Society to train for a half marathon in January.  And in doing that, I have to say, I am NOT a runner.  I really do not enjoy it. But I think it's worth it.  And there are some bonuses.

1) It helps Kathleen and others like her who are hoping for great strides in the medical world to help them have a better life.

2) It helps me get healthy.

3) It's becoming a spiritual discipline.  Yes, I know, it's physical. But for me. the "spiritual" things like prayer, Bible study, meditation and worship come easily.  I don't have to work to make them a part of my life.  By regular exercise (beyond walking) without external accountability (like paying $200 for a class and needing to get my money out of it) causes me to be much more disciplined and it gives me time to think and process and pray.  

All of that means you'll be seeing a lot more posts about exercise and balance and new habits and struggles around here.