Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Who's place is it?

Lately, I've been discontent with my body. I've lost all the baby weight, but the extra weight I had on prior is still hanging around (though I lost it last year, it graciously came back).  Before vacation I had a new resolve to start working out, not mega work outs that would never happen, but just 10 minutes a day of decent cardio or weights.  I started to talk myself out of it thinking, "a ten minute workout isn't really ten minutes because I have to change clothes, work out, stretch, and get cleaned up, so it's really 30 minutes and I don't know where in the day I can put those 30 minutes." But I figure, I can do 10 minutes of simple cardio on the treadmill or on the nordic track without all that, just throw on some tennis shoes and be done with it.  Then came vacation, who works out on vacation?!!?  Some crazy fools, I saw them, but not this girl.  =) It's vacation.  Then I came back sick with a cough and unable to breathe, so more waiting.  

Under normal circumstances I would have lost my resolve by now, but since I wasn't aiming for the hour long boot camp, this still seems do-able.

Then yesterday I had one church member bring me an article dealing with temptation and food issues. She confessed that food issues are her issue, and then added that she thinks they might be mine too.  Not below the belt, but definitely implied a greater level of intimacy and connection that I see.  THEN, blow #2.  A different woman said she had been gaining and needed an accountability partner and wanted to know if I could do that. I said sure and asked what that looks like to her. She said a weigh in and some goals for losing weight.  She claimed her dissatisfaction with her own body and then said, "And I've been noticing you've been gaining too."  Gee thanks.  

Neither woman was off base in her assessment. But both irked me.  Maybe that's not the right word.  I'm not sure what is. But assessing my weight is a job for a personal trainer, not a church member.  I don't even like my doctor's commentary on my extra pounds. I figure he/she (whichever it may be at the time) is an idiot to think I need any extra weight to be pointed out to me. As if I don't see it myself?!  

Kaiser has a not so subtle way of reminding you to take care of yourself. At every appointment, no matter which department...general, derm, allergy, they all ask "how many times a week do you work out?" The guilt that comes after that question is all mine (unless I've been doing well). But I know I need to work out regularly and I appreciate making my own reprimand rather than having it handed to me by a doctor.

All of that is to say, I super dislike when church folk assume a level of intimacy/vulnerability that isn't there.  I get how it happens: they share so much and so often with me that they feel super connected.  The difference being I don't get to do that sharing (or choose not to, depending on which school of thought you belong to), but I don't share the details of my personal life or struggles with my church folks.  Not unless it's to help them through an issue, but not to help me through an issue.  And so I feel burned when they take it upon themselves to address my "stuff".  It's there. It's mine. I can't deny that.  But in that, it's also mine to decide who I want to help me through it, and who exactly has the right to navigate such tender places.  

All right. Enough fussing. Time to do my 10 minutes. 

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