On loss and faith

Just about a month ago, Rick and I learned that we had miscarried.  I was nearly 11 weeks along and after some warning signs, I saw the doctor and learned there was no heartbeat and the baby hadn't grown in nearly 2 weeks.  It was what they call a "missed miscarriage" meaning my body didn't recognize it right away. My body was carrying along as if everything in the pregnancy was normal.  Only it wasn't.  We were scheduled to leave to Mexico a week after we learned we had miscarried and so we decided to have a D&C to simplify the process and not cause medical problems, or even an emergency, when we were so far from home. 

      As we have grieved, I have been especially grateful for my time as a chaplain at Northside Hospital in Atlanta.  Northside has more births (over 18000) per year than any other hospital in the US.  As part of that, there are also a number of women who experience miscarriage and stillbirth losses.  I was honored to walk with them in their grief as they experienced their own losses.  As a chaplaincy resident, I had to work through my own theology of life and death and pregnancy loss.  Time and time again I heard family members say, “It was God’s will.” And yet I could never reconcile God “taking” a child from loving and caring parents.  As I worked out my own beliefs, I finally came to believe that miscarriages and still births are not in God’s will.  I don’t think God wants the death of any child.  I think biology happens (statistically speaking, 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage in the first trimester) and things happen that are part of the brokenness of our world that don’t fall in line with God’s love or God’s grace. 

And yet, even when tragic and heartbreaking things happen, God is there to hold us and love us and comfort us.  Even when the world seems against us or our bodies have failed us or our hearts are broken yet again, God remains constant and eternally invested in us and our well-being.  I’m grateful I worked those things out in my mind years ago, because when we had to walk a similar path this last month, I didn’t have to fight to find God.  God was right there with me as I sat in the hospital room and underwent tests and saw the ultrasound where there was no more heartbeat. God was there when I shared the news with Rick and with family and friends and with each of you.  God was there when Ruthie hugged me and asked about the baby in my belly and prayed repeating after me for Jesus to hold that precious baby.  God was there during surgery and in the recovery and God has been there the whole time following.  Of that I am sure, and for that I give thanks.  

This year I have been terribly anxious for Christmas to arrive.  I was ready to decorate as soon as I heard the news, not physically, but emotionally, I wanted the peace and the hope and the light to break through the sadness.  And Christmas decorations, and the lights and the songs, and the smells all remind me of that hope of Christ. For me, that’s the heart of the Christmas message, that God’s love breaks through our deepest woes and darkest nights and instead offers hope and light and life.

 

It’s God’s promise of a future of abundance and peace and restoration and wholeness that allow us to walk freely into the future.  They allow us to heal from our heartbreaks and embrace something new, even if that something isn’t at all what we expected. 

  

  I pray that you find Christ this Advent and Christmas. I pray that God’s light breaks through the darkness in your own life. I pray that hope and joy fill your heart and that  the beautiful message of the incarnation flows from your lips so that others might know the love of God through Christ Jesus

 

Not a Loner Afterall

I've found that I run at a different pace than most of the group. I don't walk the whole time, but I'm not strong/fast enough to keep a 4:1 (4 minutes running, 1 minute walking) pace either, and there's no way I could do the 5:1 pace more than once or twice. So I go at my own rate. I've had to work on not beating myself up for that. I'm out there running/walking and doing that alone (especially for 9 miles!) is a big deal. Who cares if I'm slower than most? So, I've just gone at my own pace. I bring my ipod along and just go and do what works for my body. I do what doesn't stress my asthma but keeps me pushing for more.

Last Saturday at our run, I was sort of beating myself up over it again. I was blaming myself for being too introverted or too much of a loner and thinking it was a social issue and not a running issue. Mid-self-reprimand, I stopped to stretch (I was less than a mile into the run) and a new woman, an alum who was training with us for the day, stopped to check on me and make sure I was ok. I said I was just tight and needed to stretch out more. She stayed with me and we got acquainted as we got back on the track.

In training, as you go, it's valuable to know what pace someone runs/walks (mostly so you know whether or not you'll be keeping pace with each other or if you'll be parting ways soon). We found out we were keeping a pace closer than not and we agreed to do a 2:1 pace together. Her timer was set and kept us going along at a consistent pace. We talked and got to know one another and had a lovely run together. It was nice to finally have someone at my pace and that I was comfortable chatting with along the way. After our turn around, I needed to stop at a rest stop and told her I could catch up, and yet she decided to stay with me and we would journey along together.

I can't tell you how appreciative I was to have a running mate where I didn't feel defeated for not being able to keep up or frustrated for not doing more running. And to top it all off, I finished the NINE MILES on my feet and feeling well!

Thank you D for a great run!

If you'd like to donate to fight blood cancer, click here.

A Little Closer to the Goal

Today I finished 6.2 miles. That's a 10k. It may sound a little vain, but I was super proud of myself. That was a huge deal to me and 6 miles had seemed pretty overwhelming. I walked a lot today, which was in part to hang with the folks I was with and in part to follow Dr's orders for my pregnancy. But walking or running, first or last, it didn't matter. I finished. I did a 10K today! That has had me on Cloud 9 for most of the day.

All along in this training process, I've been a bit hard on myself and easily discouraged thinking "I've never done 5 miles" "There's no way I could do 8 miles" "13 miles might as well be 1000." And then on my way home, I realized something. I realized that though I haven't run those miles before, I've hiked. We have done a good bit of hiking in my family and a couple of years ago I was doing a bootcamp training and felt invincible and decided to try and do Mt. Whitney. My dad signed on and we trained together and we hiked various mountains and logged a good number of miles. Our longest pre-Whitney, was 9 miles round trip. On the day of Whitney, we didn't summit, we hadn't trained enough for the 22 mile round trip. BUT, we did make it just over 11 miles round trip. Only half, yes, but nearly a full half marathon of distance!

Today, that made me pretty excited. All of the sudden, training for the Tinkerbell race didn't seem so crazy. I've done longer hikes. And I did 11 miles at pretty high elevation and crazy steep trails. So the streets of Anaheim and Disneyland won't be quite so daunting.

It was nice to realize fully, not only can I do this, but in many ways I have done this distance before, and I didn't train nearly as well as I am this time around!

If you'd like to donate to fight cancer, click here.

It's Bigger in My Head

This week has been less than ideal for training. It's been busy. I've been tired. I planned to go today and then got held up at work. Tomorrow is the plan. Apparently we are ditching trick or treaters! But hopefully I'll run. Otherwise the 5 miles on Saturday might do me in. We are a good ways in to training at this point and things are getting serious. Weekly runs (like the non-big ones) are up to 4 miles. (as someone who wouldn't have run a mile 3 months ago, 4 just for the heck of it mid-week still seems nuts). This week is 5 miles, next Saturday 6, then 7, then 8, then a week of reprieve at just 5. HA!

When I start to think about 6 or 7 or 8 miles (let alone 13) I get super discouraged. I think there is NO WAY I can do that much. And yet, the thing I've been learning (apparently it's slow to really sink in) is that I can't focus that far out. I only have to focus on today. If I can do 4 miles one week (which I did a couple weeks ago without much trouble at all) then certainly I can do 5 this week. And then I can worry about 6 next week. But for this week all I need to do is focus on the 5. Which really, means focusing on each interval, one at time, and not even thinking about the 5 until you are finally done with it.

I think that's true for a lot of life. It's definitely true for spiritual practices. We hear about the person who meditates for an hour only to find ourselves restless after 2 minutes and think "I can never do that." But we don't start with an hour. We start with 2 minutes, and then go to 3, and then 4, and then 5, so the increase doesn't seem quite so impossible, and in fact, it becomes downright do-able. Then before you know it, you can meditate for 15 minutes without thinking twice about it.

I also imagine (as I've never had to face the reality myself) that managing and facing chemo happens in much the same way. Six weeks of chemo may seem impossible and ugly enough to not even want to bother, but if you can just get through one treatment and then the next and then the next, it never has to be all at once. It's only one manageble thing at a time.

So, for today, well rather tomorrow, it will be my 3 miles of mid-week. And then I'll wait for Saturday to work on those full 5 miles.

Here's to one step at a time.

Call to Worship, Exodus 20

Leader: The Lord our God seeks to free us from bondage.

People: We praise you and thank you for the mighty things you have done on our behalf.

Leader: God gives us life by giving us rules to live by.

People: Help us to accept your instruction O God, so that we might have life and have it abundantly.

Leader: God calls us to right living so that we might have healthy and whole relationships with God and others.

People: Help us O Lord, to live by your rules without resentment or hesitation. 

Leader: God’s ultimate God for us is wholeness and fulfillment.

People: Help us receive the gifts you seek to offer.  By the power of your name, Amen.

Others bring you up

In a selfish, self involved, individualistic culture, it's easy to get sucked into the "I can do it on my own" mentality.  Working in the church often spares me from too much isolation, but culture continues to push in the opposite direction. 

Participating in TNT is another counter cultural voice in my life.  Often, when things aren't the way we want them to be in our lives, we hull up.  We self-isolate. And we refuse to share the full truth of our reality. That happens spiritually (we don't want to admit to addiction or sinfulness or back sliding, or a lack of spiritual disciplines) and it happens physically (we don't want to admit bad eating habits, or lack of exercise, or laziness when it comes to our health).  So it's easier to go at it alone, otherwise someone might find us out. 

During the week, I have been training on my own. Not to self-isolate, just because there aren't a lot of team mates in my area and Saturdays are our together day.  And sometimes, on Saturday I'm pushed to run faster or longer than I would on my own.  My team stretches me to be better.  This week, I ran with a teammate who trains nearby and she claimed that she's "slow", well, we weren't running 30 seconds before I knew her pace was a lot faster than mine. She claimed to be a jogger, but she most assuredly was running.  (Where the actual shift from jog to run actually happens, I don't really know).  But she was running.  And I ran with her.  I hadn't stretched properly or done anything the day before and so my calves burned almost instantly and they kept burning.  After one mile I asked to stop and stretch and then we walked mile 2 and then did a mix of running and walking mile 3.  She pushed me to be better.  It wasn't intentional on her part, she didn't set out thinking "I've got to make her a better runner" but her example (and her pace) drove me to up the anty on my own running. 

And that's what community does.  Community that's focused on the same goal anyway.  Community that shares the same values and practices the same disciplines draws us into being better, and that's the way it should be.

Thank you teammates.  Go Team!

If you would like to donate to the cause, click here.

Overcoming obstacles.

I have said it before and I will say it again, I am not a runner.  Running has never been something I have enjoyed or really wanted to do.  And so when I stop to think about what I've embarked on here, it can seem a little crazy.  The two-three miles I do a couple of times a week is not that bad, but 13 miles, that seems totally unrealistic.  Quite frankly it seems darn near impossible!  I try not to focus on the implausible nature of ME running THIRTEEN miles and try to trust that LLS knows what it is doing and will take me there one step/week at a time. 

Nevertheless, sometimes I still get down on all of it.  I come to the end of a walking interval and hear the voice on the computer app tell me, "Start running" and I think "oh shut up, I don't want to run." And then I remind myself, "I do want to fight cancer. I do want to see a cure. I do want people to stop suffering. I do want there to be tangible hope." And so I start picking my feet up a little faster and get back to running. 

This is a challenge.  If I were doing it for myself, I think I might have thrown in the towel a few weeks ago. But this isn't about me. It's bigger than me. And that helps me get over myself and keep at it. 

If you want to help fight cancer, click here to donate.

And then it gets harder

Last Saturday I was able to get out to run/train with the team. It was my first time to meet with the larger group and I only knew one person there. (I was SO grateful I had gone to the street fair a month ago!) It was interesting to be there as an observer, seeing what was happening and how people interacted and what the general dynamics of the group were. As a sociologist, ok, as a sociology major, it was fascinating. We did some warm ups, gave props to the person who has fundraised the most, and heard the inspiring testimony/mission moment from Eddie, who is a cancer survivor. Then we got running. I normally run a 3/1 split (3 minutes running and 1 minute walking) and one of the groups was doing 4/1, so the mentor who was running with me encouraged me to run with them and keep up. I did alright for a good while and had a good time getting to know Eddie along the way. On the way back my muscles started to burn and it was getting harder and harder. I probably could have pushed it, but I've tried not to have a flare up with my asthma as I train. The running didn't feel bad and another mentor stayed back with me to talk about fundraising. Afterward we did stretching and core training and all of it felt good. We ate some snacks, chatted, and got on our way. By 10:00am I was full of energy and feeling great. By afternoon I had a headache and was sore. By evening I was tight and sore and went to bed early. Sunday wasn't much better but I started the day with some stretching and that seemed to help a good bit.

It definitely showed me that I need to step up my game to keep up and that that's a crucial part of getting stronger and better in order to do the race. I'm grateful for a longer term goal that I can focus on so I don't become too comfortable just doing what works and not pushing myself to do more.

Why I Am Running

A few months ago, I was talking with Kathleen S, a childhood friend. She was sharing that she has Leukemia and that she takes chemo pills daily and will likely have to for the rest of her life. She was sharing some of the challenges of her illness. She was also sharing some of the blessings of the research and medical advancements. She said that right before she was diagnosed, the statistic for those diagnosed with Leukemia was that within 5 years of diagnosis 80% of patients would be dead. BUT because of the research and advancements that statistic has changed. It has been turned on its head. NOW, the statistic is that within 5 years of diagnosis 80% of patients will LIVE. That's huge. And that is worth fighting for. The way I know how to fight is to run and raise money for a cure. Not just better statistics, but a cure. So I am running, for Kathleen, and the others like her, who have life despite their illness and hopefully will one day simply have life and no trace of illness. Please join me in fighting for a cure!

Some days it's just getting out there

As I write about my journey here, I think it's important to share the bad as well as the good. Or at least the mediocre. I ran a little last week, but not as much or as long as I would have liked. We are across the country visiting and learning from friends before starting a week long mission trip in Maryland.

Today I got out to run. My body has been tightening up and I knew I needed to get out. So I got ready and headed out. It wasn't long into my first run split that I realized I forgot to use my inhaler. I've been without incident when I use it pre-run, but today I felt the burn and ended my run early.

It want the worst that could have happened but not the best either. But at least I got out, right?

When the results aren't there

I started running to train for the Tinkerbell half marathon. I'm running to support those fighting cancer. I've been excited and have thought that a side effect would be getting in shape and losing weight. I was wrong. Well, half wrong. My endurance is better but I'm not losing weight. At all. I'm eating healthier and eating less and indulging less and still no weight loss. It want my end goal but it's still frustrating and a bit discouraging.

As usual, I can't help but think of the theological connections. Sometimes we start a spiritual discipline thinking that we will see dramatic changes in every aspect of our lives. So we start praying thinking we will be healed and our marriage will get better and our bad habits will disappear. But it doesn't quite happen that way not right away anyway. We only notice subtle changes at first. There's no miraculous transformation after just a few short weeks. Major change takes time. And we must be patient.

Taking on a new discipline

 

Many of you have read previous posts about my 1/2 marathon training. So I apologize if this is redundant, but this is what I wrote for our upcoming church newsletter. 

 

 

 

In mid August, I started training for a 1/2 marathon.  Having said that, I have to say, I'm not a runner.  I have never enjoyed running, not even when I ran on the track team in high school!  But in the last few months I had been considering trying for a half or full marathon to help raise money for a cause.  Over Memorial Day weekend (Mule Days for those of us from Bishop) I talked with a childhood friend who has Leukemia.  She shared some of her story and I was inspired to change my thinking into doing and got signed up for a half marathon with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Since then,  I have been running 3-4 times a week and have been using my training time as a sort of spiritual discipline.  It's not a spiritual discipline in formal terms, meaning it's not what you would normally think of like prayer, fasting, service, or meditation.  But it challenges me in ways that I'm not regularly challenged within my faith life.  It started by doing something I don't enjoy.  It requires me to do it even when I'm tired or have "better things to do."  It humbles me as I face my true strengths and weaknesses, not just some fantasy of which I've convinced myself like "running a 1/2 marathon won't be that hard!"  And, in doing it, I've had a change of heart.  I actually enjoy getting out and running. I look forward to it (most days anyway). I can see places where I'm getting better and I'm looking forward to getting even stronger and faster! 

 

For me, I can't help but think of the parallels to our faith life.  How many things (prayer, service, worship, meditation, study, fasting) do we not trying because we "just don't do that type of thing," or "aren't any good"?  And yet, if we commit, for whatever reason, God uses it to grow us and bless us.  Establishing the habit is challenging and our old ways will tempt us at various points, but, if we stick with it, even on the days we don't want to, it will begin to shape us in ways we never imagined.  We may have growth in places we anticipated, but we are also likely to experience growth in ways that were highly unexpected. 

 

This month, I would encourage you to ask God, "What should I try?" And then be open to the answer.  It might be a practice of daily prayer, or of praying in public, or of visiting the sick, or of serving Sunday breakfast, or fasting, or tithing.  Or it may be something unexpected like running or painting or singing where God might touch you most profoundly. 

Trials of messy ministry

Sometimes ministry sucks. Not really, well, yeah really.  I don't normally openly say that.  Especially because the great parts far outweigh the crap parts.  But there are things that just feel awful in their being.  Today offered one of those things.  

For more than 2 years we have been "battling" with 2 different homeless folks that we serve.  We've been in ministry with them nearly twice that time, but 2+ years ago it became a thing.  A thing where we had been asking and asking and asking and asking that they not stay the night and not hang out on church property when they weren't attending a church function.  We had issues with altercations, shopping carts set on fire, the police, and a whole variety of charming things that come with being in urban-esque ministry with those who live chronically on the streets.  

It wasn't the first time we waded in these waters. We had been down a similar road before with other friends we served.  But they, after a few months, finally obliged and stopped staying the night and loitering (mostly).  But these 2, these 2 refused to waver.  And ever since it's felt like a battle.  Some days it's just irritating, other days you turn a blind eye because there's not energy or time for it and other days it just infuriates you.  Sometimes it's downright exhausting.  

One of these friends has been MIA for a couple of weeks.  We assume she's back in jail, but it could be any number of things.  But he's been around. And last week we decided we needed to draw a hard line.  Harder than the rules we had in place. Harder than calling the police (who rarely show up anyway and when they do take more than 45 minutes to get to the church).  We decided we would have him sign a contract that said he understands how he has broken the rules and that we are enacting certain consequences as a result.  

The content looks like this:

As a result of openly defiant behavior relating to Wesley UMC and its rules for participation in ministries and presence on the campus, we are enacting the following rules for ________________.  The following rules are effective through March 2014, at which time a conversation with Pastor Debbie and head of trustees will be necessary before restoring any privileges or access to ministries offered at Wesley UMC.

Rule violations include:

• Breaking into buildings
• Stealing church, NA, and AA property
• Loitering
• Accessing church electricity without permission
• Defiance when asked to leave church property
• Stowing personal belongings in bushes and on church property.

 

Rules of restriction include but are not limited to:

• No mail access effective October 5, 2013. Received mail will be forwarded to an address if provided, or returned to sender.
• No Sunday breakfast, shower, or clothing privileges.
• No Tuesday morning food distribution privileges.
• No access to additional church ministries including worship, NA/AA programs, Bible studies, or special events.

Following our no trespassing ordinance:

• Sleeping on church property is not allowed at any point.
• Resting, stopping by, or sorting personal belongings is not allowed.
• Lack of church member or pastor presence does not negate any of these rules.  

Quite honestly, this is not the road we wanted to take.  We wanted to offer grace and second chances and repeat the rules and have him comply. But he hasn't and he refuses to.  We know that he has bigger issues going on in his life. And I have offered numerous times to help him get help.  But for now, we need a hard line.  The break ins, the theft, the defiance, the getting cussed out, it's all become too much and something has to change.  

And yet, even knowing all that, it still sucks. When you live in a profession of second (and 157th) chances, you want people to live into the fullness of who they are. You don't want this. Not the bad behavior or the hard line.

  And so, sometimes, it sucks.

It's almost becoming a thing

I've said before I'm not a runner. I believe that. Even with 2 years in track, I was not a runner. I don't think I ran the full warm up mile EVER. As with most things in high school, if I could succeed without doing all the work, I would. I wasn't a runner then either.

But now, as I train for this 1/2 marathon, it's sorry of catching on. I look forward to my run days and miss it if my day has been too busy to get out. AND it's offering some relief too. After a long stressful day, my first thought is no longer, "I deserve ice cream" it's "maybe I should run." As a non-runner, that just seems crazy.

But it's a good crazy. I can see it's value and the pay off. Even when I'm not shedding pounds like I hoped, I am getting stronger and healthier and my bad habits are getting changed out. It's a change I celebrate and I'm looking forward to more.

Prayer to be led

As a pastor, I am often in charge. I'm generally good at being in charge. The only trouble is that when it comes to following, I'm so used to leading that I don't always follow well. That was true this last week and so I wrote this prayer:

Gracious Lord,
Teach me to follow. Give me a humble spirit to be led and taught by others. Help me to lead where you are calling. Help me to step back so that others might grow as your leaders.
In Jesus' name,
amen.