Music Monday

Music is powerful in our house.  We even have a picture that says, "Where words fail music speaks." It's true.  So, I'm sharing various pieces of music that have either spoken to me or I think will speak into situations of friends. 

I regularly post on Facebook:

"Prayer Roundup: What can I lift up for you?" 

I'm always honored for how people share with me so that I can hold them in prayer.  And I am often overwhelmed by the level of pain in our lives.  Depression. Addiction. Mental health struggles. Grief. Betrayal. Abuse. Family conflict....the list goes on. 

There are a whole lot of storms that rage in our lives.  And this song speaks into our need to have faith that God is in the midst of the storm:

Eye of the Storm by Ryan Stevenson

Trusting God

At various points in the last few months, God has reminded me that I am to “Trust God” and life faith-fully.  It’s almost like an echo in my mind. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me.  It seems simple enough, but when the storms of life are raging, it’s not as simple as it seems.  

I know I'm supposed to trust God, but I also have this selfishness inside of me.  

"I'll trust you, but you need to show up already."

 "I'll trust you, but I'm tired of waiting." 

 "I'll trust you, but you didn't do it my way." 

On the days I struggle to trust, I try to "preach faith until I have it" (~John Wesley). And I often use music to help convict me.  If I sing it often enough, maybe it will become even more true for/in me.  This song by Lauren Daigle has been incredibly powerful for me in that way. 

The full lyrics can be found here. 

The chorus is a good reminder for me:

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

Even when God doesn't do it my way, I am called to trust.  

Here You Go God

"Here you go Mommy." 

I get that a lot.  And generally that’s followed by a handful of trash.  It might be an apple core, a broken toy, a half eaten sandwich, a gun wrapper, already chewed gum, or any other type of rubbish.  There’s nothing like receiving trash because your child doesn’t want to deal with it herself.  “Thaaaaanks” is about the only reply I have. 

Today, I had one of those “ah ha” moments and realized, that’s a lot like what we do to God.  We break stuff, we use what we want, we pull off the undesirable parts and then we hand it to go and say, “Here, it can be yours now.” We might want a solution (like fixing a broken toy a.k.a. situation) or we might simply not want to deal with our rubbish ourselves. So instead we give it to God.  

I wish I could say I’m more mature in my faith than this, but the reality is, I do this on a regular basis. I tire of something, or I break it, or I don’t find it useful or whatever the case may be, and so I readily dump it in God’s lap. “Ok, it’s your problem now. You take care of it.”  I’m not sure I have a great solution to this habit, but I imagine it will start with an awareness of it.  If I can acknowledge what I’m doing, maybe I can stop and think before I dare a hand-off…

  Could I fix it?

 Could I get rid of it myself?

Does it really need God’s hand or am I just being lazy? 

Can we celebrate Easter?

The other day Ruth was watching TV and saw some commercial that related to Easter…eggs hidden around the hard, decorations, special foods…the works…Martha Stewart style. And she asked, “Mom, when we get to our new house*, could we celebrate Easter?”

I paused a minute (generally one to be overly pragmatic and think things like “no, we celebrate Easter at Easter time not in July”) and then I said “Yes, of course we can.”  After all, Easter isn’t really about some designated Sunday during the year. Easter is about resurrection, life after death, new beginnings, second chances, forgiveness of sins, and the blessings of God’s grace.  And, quite frankly, after a year full of “stuff” (including death of various types, endings, hurt feelings, and dark places) we are in need of a whole lot of Easter.  

As I thought about it further, I thought it could be a really cool way to begin in a new place.  We could spend a couple weeks unpacking and hopefully getting to know some people (from the church, or otherwise) and then maybe have an Easter party.  It’d be a fun “open house” and a nice way to show Ruth, others, and remind ourselves that the celebration of Easter can happen at any time of year.  

 

Who knows, it might even become a tradition for every time we move into a new appointment…a reminder of God’s grace, a chance to mourn the endings (for better or for worse) and to look forward to the new life and new beginnings God is offering in a new place of ministry.  

I’m surprisingly excited about the idea and looking forward to the ways we might do this in a new place and a new season of our lives and ministries.

*It’s appointment season in the UMC and clergy all over are waiting to hear if and where they will be moving, or if they will be staying, this year.  While we don’t yet know where, we do know for fact we will be moving. 

Experiencing God: A Hug

Last week, God sent me an angel. Not one with wings, but one in flesh and blood.  I’ve been praying a lot lately for God’s guidance for this time in my life and where it is that God wants me to go and what I am to do in the next chapter of my ministry.  I keep pleading for God’s assurance and God’s direction. 

On Wednesday, I went to the monthly pastor’s prayer meeting. We gather for an hour each month, hosted by different churches, just to pray.  It’s not political. There’s no “agenda”. Our purpose is to praise God (we begin with worship) and to pray—for each other, for our ministries, for our valley, and for whatever else God places on our hearts.  

This month, we gathered at The Sanctuary. And when I walked in there were 4 new people, primarily Spanish speaking.  Normally, I don’t go around greeting folks, I just sort of keep to myself, but I thought, being Spanish speakers (in a largely English speaking group) and being new, I should greet them and introduce myself.  So I did. I met two women first, and shook their hands, then a man, then another woman, who hugged me as she said hello.  I took a step back from the third woman and the first gave me a side hug and then embraced me further.  She just kept holding me.  I’m naturally a physically affectionate person, so it didn’t seem odd to me.  Even as she continued to hold me, I was nonplussed.  It was a God thing.  She embraced me, rubbed my back and whispered assurances into my ear.  I focused on being present in the moment and receiving whatever it was that God wanted for me.  I could feel something inside sort of break loose and break open.  It wasn’t painful, but it was real.  I don’t know what broke…I hoped it was pain or unforgiveness.  And this woman kept on holding me.  She said “Dios te ama mucho.” (God loves you very much).

She pulled away slightly and reiterated that God loves me very much. She said that the hug wasn’t from her, but from God.  God wanted me to know how much God loves me.  And she embraced me again. She continued to hold me gently and reiterated God’s love, again. She said “God has great plans for you, and for your family.” 

It was such a gift—both the hug and the affirmations, but also her faithfulness and willingness to heed God’s guiding.  She could have just given me a quick embrace, or ignored that nudge entirely, but instead, she listened to what God was instructing her to do…not for her benefit, but for mine—a complete stranger.  And God gave me just what I needed…a hug full of affirmation and love for who I am and what God is doing in my life. 

Quote of the day

Ruth: I'm a bad kid
Me: No you're not.  You're the best kid!  You're my best kid!  And you know what's even now important than that? 
Ruth: What? 
Me: You're God's best kid and nothing can ever change that.  Nothing is more powerful than God.

God in the waiting

They say God is in everything. So I have to believe God is also in the waiting. Mostly I try to convince myself that God is in the waiting.  It's not obvious to me because the waiting seems void...it's vacant of the next thing.  Waiting seems to provoke anxiety. There's anticipation,  which may be good or may be bad, but either way there's an expectancy that's focused on the next thing. ..not this thing.  And somehow all of that makes it hard for me to sense God. I believe God is there. ..that makes sense to me,  at least in my head. But I'm still left waiting. ..waiting to feel God...waiting to see God at work. ..waiting for the assurance that my faith wasn't in vain. And let's just say it's not my favorite thing.  I like the doing.  I like checking the boxes.  I like the accomplishing. But here I am in the waiting.  Waiting demands trust. ..and so it is that God is growing my faith and teaching me to trust more fully. 

A new battery of tests

Rick has been dealing with non-stop headaches for 7 months now.  It's hard to believe it's been that long. And we've known for 2 months that there was a tumor.  It's been slow getting the care we think we need but we've tried to be patient in the waiting.  

This week brought it's own discoveries and challenges.  And this is the update:

Rick has blacked out twice in the last 2 weeks. So, they ordered a PET scan and he had that yesterday.  They have also ordered extra blood tests and today he was in for a portable EKG type test that will monitor him for 24 hours.  (I think they are trying to rule out heart trouble for the black outs).

They did not seem to like what they saw on the PET scan, so they have ordered another MRI, an ultrasound of his heart, and an ultrasound of his brain stem (to see if the tumor has reached that point in the brain).  They said they are trying to schedule all those tests for the same block of time.  We had to go to Panorama city for the heart thing today and will have to go back tomorrow. 

We won't know anything until a doctor reads results, but this round and intensity of tests seems to be more stressful (on us) than before.

We are ok, more or less, but both anxious about what is to come. 

​Please continue to pray for healing and for strength as we go through the paces.​

On loss and faith

Just about a month ago, Rick and I learned that we had miscarried.  I was nearly 11 weeks along and after some warning signs, I saw the doctor and learned there was no heartbeat and the baby hadn't grown in nearly 2 weeks.  It was what they call a "missed miscarriage" meaning my body didn't recognize it right away. My body was carrying along as if everything in the pregnancy was normal.  Only it wasn't.  We were scheduled to leave to Mexico a week after we learned we had miscarried and so we decided to have a D&C to simplify the process and not cause medical problems, or even an emergency, when we were so far from home. 

      As we have grieved, I have been especially grateful for my time as a chaplain at Northside Hospital in Atlanta.  Northside has more births (over 18000) per year than any other hospital in the US.  As part of that, there are also a number of women who experience miscarriage and stillbirth losses.  I was honored to walk with them in their grief as they experienced their own losses.  As a chaplaincy resident, I had to work through my own theology of life and death and pregnancy loss.  Time and time again I heard family members say, “It was God’s will.” And yet I could never reconcile God “taking” a child from loving and caring parents.  As I worked out my own beliefs, I finally came to believe that miscarriages and still births are not in God’s will.  I don’t think God wants the death of any child.  I think biology happens (statistically speaking, 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage in the first trimester) and things happen that are part of the brokenness of our world that don’t fall in line with God’s love or God’s grace. 

And yet, even when tragic and heartbreaking things happen, God is there to hold us and love us and comfort us.  Even when the world seems against us or our bodies have failed us or our hearts are broken yet again, God remains constant and eternally invested in us and our well-being.  I’m grateful I worked those things out in my mind years ago, because when we had to walk a similar path this last month, I didn’t have to fight to find God.  God was right there with me as I sat in the hospital room and underwent tests and saw the ultrasound where there was no more heartbeat. God was there when I shared the news with Rick and with family and friends and with each of you.  God was there when Ruthie hugged me and asked about the baby in my belly and prayed repeating after me for Jesus to hold that precious baby.  God was there during surgery and in the recovery and God has been there the whole time following.  Of that I am sure, and for that I give thanks.  

This year I have been terribly anxious for Christmas to arrive.  I was ready to decorate as soon as I heard the news, not physically, but emotionally, I wanted the peace and the hope and the light to break through the sadness.  And Christmas decorations, and the lights and the songs, and the smells all remind me of that hope of Christ. For me, that’s the heart of the Christmas message, that God’s love breaks through our deepest woes and darkest nights and instead offers hope and light and life.

 

It’s God’s promise of a future of abundance and peace and restoration and wholeness that allow us to walk freely into the future.  They allow us to heal from our heartbreaks and embrace something new, even if that something isn’t at all what we expected. 

  

  I pray that you find Christ this Advent and Christmas. I pray that God’s light breaks through the darkness in your own life. I pray that hope and joy fill your heart and that  the beautiful message of the incarnation flows from your lips so that others might know the love of God through Christ Jesus