Wedding question of the day

This one is more about marriage, but it'll work...

What is the thing you and your spouse do to make sure you stay connected?

Wedding question of the day

What accent, touch, or piece of flare did you include that truly represented you and your partner?

Discernment

At my current church, I deal with all of our immediate cash need requests (help with rent, ulilities, gas, etc).  The secretary normally handles the food and the head of outreach deals with clothes/toiletries distribution.  But I do the money side of things.  We never do cash assistance...not as cash cash or checks written to an individual...we only pay a company or landlord or give out gift cards. 

Some days, this is an awesome responsibility.  I can help families stay in housing, or get the lights back on, or get gas to get home after being in the city for whatever reason (often a court case). 

Other days, it is a bit bitter and confusing.  We don't have a good system of evaluating a need...there is no form, no structure, it's simply based on my own discernment (and the availability of the resources).  Sometimes, my gut tells me I/we are being "had" by an individual.  There is something in me that knows we are being conned or schemed and it irks me.  But it's a tough contradiction because there's not really a tactful way to say you don't believe someone (especially when your only reason for doubting is your "gut").  And there's always the possibility you're wrong.

It's also frustrating when a group of folks ask for the same exact thing.  In Hemet, we had about 3 weeks where I got the same request from about 4 different families "milk, ground beef, diapers, and bread."  That was it.   It seemed simple enough and we helped a bunch of the families.  But then it started to seem fishy and I said no to the next request for the same and then there were no more requests, which made me even more suspicious. 

It's starting to be something similar here.  I had various requests for gas cards lately...the fishy thing was the requests were coming from the same number, but different names and people were asking for it.  I finally said no (finally being after two requests that we filled).  It's those kinds of things that make my head spin.

Here's why:  On the one hand, this could be a legitimate need and people in similar circumstances often have similar needs, but at the same time, all of the requests seem to come too close together and the same number part is really bothersome.  And yet, at the same time, how do I really know what the need actually is? (Or why the need exists...is it because of drugs? unemployment? poor spending? medical bills?) It's a tough call.  And should my call be based on the need? or the cause? or...?

And the really tough part for me is that when I feel taxed....like it's request after request and I feel like we are being scammed, I feel like throwing up my hands and saying "no" to everyone involved.  Which definitely isn't the right philosophy either...

Impotence

Sometimes in ministry, I'm left with a feeling of total impotence.  In general, I'm a fixer. I like to do things. I like to help. And I really struggle when there is nothing I can actually do to help a situation.  I hate feeling powerless. I hate knowing that some situations are irredeemable (at least as far as I am able). I don't like the complexities of addiction or homelessness or abuse that bind up helpful actions. 

Impotence is not an every day occurrence, and I suppose, that for the sake of humility and God doing things and whatever else, it might even be healthy or necessary from time to time, but mostly, these days it's simply frustrating. 

Wedding question of the day

What kind of shoes did you (the bride) wear...were they good for the whole day or would you have gone with a different kind?

Wedding question of the day

What is something you really wish you had taken time (or money or energy) to do for your wedding?

Wedding question of the day

What is one wedding expenditure you wish you hadn't had? (or maybe that you wish were less than it was?)

Creative Edge

Wedding planning is well underway (again).  Last spring we announced our engagement and then a January wedding date.  Well, the summer got busy and life happened and we needed to take a step back and work on our relationship and our lives and work and more.  So, we postponed our wedding date.  

At the time, it was a heartbreaking decision.  I am a woman perfectly happy meeting other people's expectations and to postpone my wedding was not what was expected.  It was hard to deal with my fears of rejection and judgment. It was hard to slow down the momentum, to mourn the loss of what could have been (at least in the ways I had it established in my own mind) and to do some down and dirty relationship work.  

But, it's now 5 months later, the new date is set and wedding plans are again underway.  

The crazy thing is, (or maybe it's not all that crazy after all) I am enjoying the wedding planning so much more this time around.  Last time it felt rushed and urgent and everything had to be done right away.  I began to dread wedding planning....well, actually I think I just dreaded feeling fat when I tried on wedding dresses, but the two became inextricably linked.  But now, with months of perspective, some new contacts and new ideas, I am much more relaxed.  

We have the venue. I've had my dress for months (I got it before we rescheduled).  I have my husband-to-be and the rest is just details in my mind!  Some details matter more to me than others, but mostly, it's just details.  

The only piece that really keeps nagging at me is the creative edge.  I want portions of the wedding/reception/etc to stand out. I want some signature marks that just scream our identity as a couple.  And I have no idea what those would be.  As I think of "cool" details of flare I could add to my wardrobe or whatnot I keep thinking "that'd be fun, but it's not fully me...I'm not that cool!"  

The most personalized thing so far is homemade jam as the party favors.  All summer I made jam...lots of jam. Tomato jam. Rasberry jam. Peach jam.  Recently I made marmelade jam and will be making some blackberry jam and probably more tomato and peach jam.  Everyone will have a homemade piece of us to take home.  And I like that.  I just keep hoping for more cool markers that will capture who we are as a couple. 

Wedding question of the day

Wedding planning includes LOTS of options.  Sometimes it's hard to sift through all that there is.  So, for the near future, there will be a "wedding question of the day".  If you have input or advice, please feel free to comment!

today's question:

What are good wedding party gift ideas?

Back to Blogging...

...regularly that is....well, at least that's the hope.  When I first started blogging, I wrote all the time. And when I wrote, I typically wrote three blogs every day.  It was crazy, and, as was anticipated and predicted by others, my speed slowed and lately it has only been intermittent. 

But in the last couple of weeks, I have had a number of blog posts running through my head and have really wanted to get back into the habit of writing.  It's a busy year with a major mission trip, a major fundraiser, a wedding, and camp all within the next 6 months, but hopefully that will mean there are interesting things to write.  It will also probably mean that my blog becomes more and more eclectic as I write about wedding planning, preparing for married life, fund raising, working with the homeless, and whatever else runs through my head.  

So, the journey (re) begins here.

Quote of the day

"If you live long enough, the venerability factor creeps in; first, you get accused of things you never did, and later, credited for virtues you never had."

 - I. F. Stone

Tips and insight

As I mentioned in my last post, we've adopted 3 extra families this Christmas (in addition to the three families and 25 homeless the church bought gifts for). And in case buying presents for families in need isn't something you do regularly, you should know it's a fair amount of work. For us, it includes food, clothes, toys, and sometimes stockings. It includes buying, sorting, wrapping, sorting some more, and delivering. It can be quite consuming and very costly.

To cut costs, I asked friends in the area who also do outreach ministries if they had "extras" and a couple did. We went to CAYA ("Come As You Are" ministries and sorted through the donations they received from the girl scouts. We found about 10 items in the bags she showed us and then thanked her and prepared to leave. She was disappointed we hadn't found more and I told her we needed clothes for "itty bitty" kids (toddlers and young elementary) so she took us to a different room with more bags and invited us to look some more!

As we sorted, there were a couple of things that struck me and I thought I would share.

1) Some people separated clothes by size and gender (4 year old boy in one bag and 9 year old girl in another). This was SUPER helpful. When you are looking for clothes (for 20 people) you keep track of people by gender and size...so knowing that a whole bag was for 4 year old boy and I didn't have a 4 year old boy to look for meant I could skip the whole bag. Also, knowing that I did have a 9 year old girl meant the other bag was one to really examine. So if you are donating, or even just organizing...keep it simple! Designate by size and gender!!

2) Different people have different standards. Some clothes were in awesome shape...hardly worn and good hand-me-downs. Other clothes were stained and worn and looked as though they had made it through 10 generations...these are not the items to donate. If it's too ratty for you to wear...it's probably too ratty for someone else to wear. So, save folks time and energy and just ditch it!

3) Though the woman who invited us to look through the bags knew who I was and what I do, the others in the office didn't. So, at one point the senior minister told "Joe" to take a picture and said, "that'd make a good shot Joe." In some ways it wasn't a big deal, but in other ways it was alienating. I knew we'd end up on some wall or in some photo book as the "poor people in need finding clothes at Christmas" or some such thing. The truth (or lack thereof) didn't matter. We were being type cast, as I am sure many are. All too often church groups want to take pictures (which seems reasonable enough) but all too often the pictures have the attitude of "look who needed us" or "Look who we helped" or "Look what we gave them, they'd have nothing without us". All of those notions can be degrading and even humiliating. Be cautious in taking pictures, ask first, and be very careful how you label the people and the pictures.

4) This is a side note to the picture thing, but in some cases (probably more than most of us would like to admit) Domestic violence is a factor in creating a need and victims of violence often have to hide from their abuser and taking pictures (and posting them on your website) can make them an easy target and easily found. So be doubly cautious in taking pictures if you do not know the circumstances of those you serve...

5) Where possible, give options. Not being able to buy your kids the things they need is a tough experience. Empowering parents, where possible is a way to help restore pride and dignity. the local shelters, instead of just giving presents already wrapped, gave target and walmart cards and had volunteers take parents shopping so they could pick out their own gifts. Others ask specific questions about preferences...colors...logos...etc... Another way to empower is to allow parents to wrap gifts for themselves...you may need to buy the paper/tape/ribbons, but many parents can wrap and would enjoy doing it...other don't want/need to, but giving the option is helpful and can help parents feel more a part. Where possible, give people an option.

6) In shopping for pants (in particular) I learned years ago to try and find pants that could hold a dual function...buying sweatpants allows kids to wear them to school or to bed. Fun is good. Functional is better!

I'm sure I still have a lot to learn and that we could do a better job of empowering parents, but those are just a few of this year's learnings. If you have other insights and tips, please feel free to post them in the comments!

Blunder

Growing up, we always had presents under the tree. We had presents before Christmas, and more on Christmas, and sometimes, if there were stragglers, even after Christmas. Not having presents has never been a reality for me. And so, as a pastor, when I hear of families who won't "have Christmas" (meaning presents) it kills me and I do everything I can to make sure the kids have something to open to help them celebrate.

I know, full well, that the presents aren't the meaning of Christmas, instead they are (or at least should be) an outpouring of thanks for all the gifts we have received through Christ. So, in some ways, even though they aren't the focus, it's even more important that there are gifts...in the sense that they reflect how grateful we are...no gifts would then mean no gratitude.

I realize that part of me is caving to cultural norms, but part of me also knows that giving gifts is a way of blessing others, and we bless others because we have already been blessed.

As such, I have been buying and wrapping and sorting and counting to be sure I can deliver gifts to three families in need who came to me at the last minute. I want them to celebrate on Christmas. I want them to be blessed as I have been blessed.

That's the fun part...not the blunder.

The blunder came on Sunday morning during the Children's moment. I was trying to talk about anticipation and patience and wanted to talk about having to wait to open the presents under the tree. So, I asked, "Do you have presents under the tree?" And I got, "No." and then another "no" and another and another. I know not everyone puts the presents out early. I also know that not everyone has enough for presents this year and I could have kicked myself for not realizing or thinking about it ahead of time.

From my background, it's an easy mistake to make. But, knowing the families I do and working with so many in need, I should know that gifts under the tree aren't a given. (heck, this year, I don't have any under my own tree...namely because the dog thinks they are chew toys, but still, even I couldn't have said "yes".)

This may or may not be a relevant message for you, but if you do work in ministry, know that there are probably families in your parish who do not have presents under the tree and who may not be able to get presents. And to ask such a "simple" question can invoke sadness for the kids and shame for the parents and all of that could easily be avoided.

Moments of inspiration

Lately there have been lots of inspiring moments happening at the church, here are just two:

* Having a young adult plan her college class schedule around upcoming Bible studies so she can be sure to attend.

*The Sunday morning breakfast cooks decided they wanted to make breakfast Christmas morning and throw a Christmas party for the homeless.

Administrative Fatigue

Sometimes, the life of a senior pastor is a mixed bag. Generally, I enjoy it. I like having freedom to be creative, to try new things, and working to coordinate the programs and ministries of staff and volunteers. But sometimes, the administrative/organizational side of things is draining.

Lately, it's been the latter.

I have been working with various people of the church to do more long-term planning. We are trying to have a plan for each area of ministry for 4-6 months out. For folks who have this as a regular practice at their church, you might say to yourself, "Yeah...and?!" But for folks who don't, you might say to yourself, "Lord, I hope I don't have to do that!"

Planning ahead is both a blessing and a curse, at the outset anyway. It's a blessing because it encourages greater collaboration, delegation and creativity. It's a curse because it means double work as you do both this week's sermon prep and the sermon prep for Easter. It's overwhelming to try and hold the balance.

I know the work is worth it. Not only does it help me to be more organized, but it also frees me to delegate more aspects of ministry so that others are empowered to serve. For example, if I'm working week to week, then I probably won't know the true heart of a sermon until Saturday night or even Sunday morning. That doesn't lend itself to sharing that with someone so they can plan a children's moment that addresses the heart of the sermon. On the other hand, if I already know what I will preach about on January 24th, then I can give that information to the children's moment person and they have over a month to plan. Planning ahead = shared ministry. And that's a good thing.

But it's also a daunting thing when you are working on such a plan for worship and education and mission as well as planning a mission trip for 25 and summer camp for 100. Right now my church seems to be in a "training phase" where a lot of people are embarking on new ministries...which is GREAT! It still involves a lot of extra time walking people through the basics so they feel comfortable and confident with the task at hand.

And all of that extra time and energy seems to drain me of my creative juices. I suppose I'm not without creativity, it's just being aimed at planning and organizing (which rarely feels creative) rather than focusing on worship or new programs...something that looks more creative as an end product. I like creating new ways of doing worship and bringing in tactile examples and experiential components to preaching, but it's been hard to do lately with all my energy being focused elsewhere.

I'm still hoping that in the end it will all pan out and be worth it, but for now I am tired and wishing for some creative juices for the next few weeks of worship.

To call or not to call

Two weeks ago I wrote about connecting to the community. At that meeting there were a lot of ideas/programs I learned about. One deals with connecting local clergy to the police that patrol in their area. I really like this idea and would like to connect with the officers that patrol where I live and work. Sort of. I mean, I would really like to meet with them and know them, but I also fear the lecture I am likely to receive when they figure out which church I pastor.

I realize that not every city worker is going to be discontented with our outreach endeavors, but I also know I have received lectures from those I have encountered. First it was the cocky new cop late one night when one of our guys was rushed to the hospital after an overdose on meth (a man who has now been sober for 9 months--ever since that event scared the desire to use out of him). The second was from the fire chief when one of our women knocked her head against the cement and then started having seizures.

I understand their perspective and can appreciate their frustrations, really I can. But I also know that when I get lectured it is from a "homelessness in general" perspective not a personal one. For instance, the fire chief talked about how he used to work downtown and how "this problem" hasn't gotten any better. He's talking about homelessness and he's right, there is still far too vast of a homeless population. He sees any endeavors as fruitless.

I, on the other hand, don't look simply at homeless in general (it is a huge social ill that is not likely to vanish anytime soon), but I look at the specific folks living on the street. When I look at those stories (particularly those of the men and women who have stayed at our church) I see 3 who have found regular, healthy, and safe housing. I have seen 2 men find/achieve/fight for sobriety. I have seen a couple be reunited, and a number come to Bible study each week and learn the word of God and the love and grace that is offered to them through Christ.

So, I don't really see it as fruitless. I look at the specifics, the city officials like to look in general.

I would like to know the officers and even be able to work with them, as long as working with them isn't simply a one way street--meaning I get to do all the things they say without being allowed to work within a Christian paradigm.

I'd also like our conversation to deal with more than the homeless. Every day there are a million teenage boys loose in our neighborhood...I'd like to work on constructive things for them to do (constructive things that do not include smoking pot on our property...or in general...). I'd also like to do constructive things with the police so that I don't hear gunfire at night or worry about the parade of patrol cars lined up on the street behind me preparing for a raid.

There's a lot that can be accomplished if we work together, it just means getting over our fears and prejudices....and by "we" I think I mean "me"....at least that's where it has to start....because I certainly don't think the call will be coming to my phone any time soon.

Quote of the day

You’ve been Jesus to me
He’s wrapped His arms around me with the love you’ve given me
You’ve been Jesus to me
And I will never be the same
He’s loved me through and through-Through you
You’ve been Jesus to me

God knew that I would need someone to show me
What love that lasts forever’s all about
And so He sent a part of Him to love me
Another gift of life that I could never live without

ht: Erin

Continuing Education Events

I am working on setting goals for the coming year and need to identify some continuing education opportunities. Last year I went to the National Pastor's convention and planned to go this coming year too, but it was canceled. I had planned to go to the Festival of Homiletics in May, but because of stress and busyness and finances, I had canceled that. I did go to Clergy Convocation in September and enjoyed that, but didn't do a whole lot of the workshops etc, I mainly just talked and prayed with colleagues.

I am trying to find something inspiring. I know I have a lot to learn, so I suppose any area would be good. My particular passions include pastoral care, work with survivors of violence, preaching, Hispanic ministries, and work with the poor. Anyone have suggestions?

On a related note, as I looked up more information I found a young preachers conference, does anyone know anything about it? It might seem odd, but I am a little leery of it. It's ageist, I know, against my own people, which is weird. I feel weird even saying it. But I do wonder how it goes. I know lots of talented young preachers, so I suppose that's not actually it. Yeah, I'm gonna try not to dig myself in a hole here and just ask if anyone's been or knows much about it?

Technologically not so savvy

I am not a techie by any stretch of the imagination. I can run my computer for the most necessary programs and do a decent job on creating documents/brochures/spreadsheets etc. I can hold my own. I cannot do any programming or any website stuff...it's really not my gig. And, in the last 10 years I have gone back and forth between jobs that require a lot of technology and jobs that don't. Better said, I have been in jobs that need a lot of emailing and jobs that don't.

At Emory, everything was through email. Notices, updates, to-do lists, all of it came via email. It was functional and fast and very efficient. At my first church, not so much. With an older congregation (many of whom did not even have email) and a senior pastor who checked his email about once a day email was not super functional.

At my current church (once we got email installed in the church office...the need for which should tell you something about our technological state) I use it all the time. I email staff, committee members and congregants all the time. Though, admittedly there are a number of folks not on email, so in some ways they get left out of the loop. It is definitely not intentional, it just happens, and as part of that, sometimes feelings get hurt.

One example of this came months ago when I had to arrange a last minute potluck. We had a University choral group coming to sing and I totally forgot we were supposed to offer lunch. So, two days before they came, I sent an email to everyone I had an email for and asked for people to bring things. On Sunday, we had a wonderful meal and reception for the group. And it was only a matter of minutes before I was hearing third hand reports about certain women wondering why they hadn't been asked to bring things. Fortunately, the person they spoke with knew that it had been last minute and had been emailed out and it was, in no way, meant to be an affront to anyone and it said nothing of anyone's respect (or lack thereof) for their cooking.

It was a minor thing, but it said a lot. It's important to make sure people feel included. And sadly, it hasn't been the only time. There have been prayer concerns, meeting announcements, and requests that go out regularly that some people get. In some ways you could say it's ageist (though when my oldest member who is 90 still checks email, that argument loses some power), but really it's just faster. It takes time to call and individually ask people, and you have to be ready to call at the right hours (and for the record 10:00 at night when I remember is NOT the best time!)

To be honest, it's hard for me sometimes to slow down enough to just use the phone. Email is handy and easy and available almost anytime anywhere. But, as a reminder to myself and a caution for folks who aren't attentive to it, it's important to make those phone calls and include those people, even if it takes more time.

Community connection

In seminary, I heard time and time again that I should be a pastor in the community. In seminary and in various trainings in the immediate year afterward, I was told to get involved with civic groups, the city council and other decision making groups in my community. At my first appointment that didn't work out so well. I went to a few meetings here and there but never felt connected and didn't work overly hard to make myself nutty to make it happen.

Riverside, however, has been a whole different story. From the beginning connecting easily with the community has been a confirmation from God that this is indeed where I am supposed to be. I easily connected with the young professionals group, had a connection with a local university, met with various networks and got connected to some very well connected people. In some ways, I got so connected that it was hard to keep up, there were regular meetings that overlapped with one another and I found it extremely difficult to make it to any of them. And in some ways, I never really felt like it was the place I needed to be, only that I should be there.

Yesterday, I actually made it to one. It was nice, after having been chewed out by various city people, to go some place where people are on the same page and doing ministry in the ways they feel called and are trying to find more effective ways to help rather than the so-called "least invasive" ways....or the ways that are the least noticeable to the general public. It was nice to meet some new folks and see how they plan to collaborate over the holidays and hear some praise reports and some cool plans.

This group works particularly with homelessness and foster children. They see the two as directly tied, that foster kids often end up on the streets and to work on adoptions into healthy families reduces homelessness (in the long run). So one of the praise reports was that 15 kids were adopted last month in our area. Another praise report, and a sign of how this city likes to work with clergy/people of faith, was that clergy and police are trying to collaborate--get to know each other and be able to call on one another. People of faith have also been invited to the area schools (well, they are starting with one high school after the example of San Bernardino county) to come for lunch and be in relationship with the students. In SB County, they saw a marked decrease in expulsions and truancy and crime. One of the cool plans was to take parents living in shelters shopping...area churches provide the gift cards and rides and then the parents actually get to buy the gifts (rather than having them bought for them). It is a very empowering program and one I am hopeful we can help with! In other words, lots of good stuff is happening.

Toward the end of the meeting the group did some brainstorming and then tried to narrow their focus for the coming year to establish goals. After a couple broad and nebulous things were named, I said, "I know I am new here, but from my experience and the people I work with and the state of our national economy, I think we need to work on teaching financial planning and budgeting." They added it to the board and we moved on. The next woman who spoke was passionate about how we need to change our language--that it can't be "us and them" (which I am totally on board about). The trouble was she was looking straight at me and it felt very accusatory. I wasn't sure what I had said that had offended her so deeply. Others affirmed her statement and we finished our meeting. Afterward I thought I should go and apologize. I still didn't know what I had done wrong, but figured it didn't really matter, if she was offended she was offended and I should try and clear the air. I was reluctant to go. I figured I could just let it ride and move on. But then I thought it was hurtful to feel called out in a meeting and not know what I had done, I thought, "this might keep me from ever coming back." And I knew I needed to address it. So I went over and said, "I want to apologize, I didn't mean to offend you." She stopped me mid-apology and said I hadn't, that she was speaking in general and that I was making eye contact, so she looked at me and then worried I might have thought she was speaking to me. (She was right).

We cleared the air and then actually she thanked me for my work. She said we work with two of her favorite people and is super thankful we let them stay at our church. In essence, my reputation had proceeded me. She even told me that she had nudged the person next to her in the meeting and said, "We love her." It was a nice change of tone in a matter of seconds. We talked about her ministry (a community garden, food ministry, and church) and she even offered us food for our food ministry. She said she had even come for breakfast one Sunday morning to see what we were about. It was a very cool connection. One that I think will spawn more connections as she knows EVERYBODY!

After going to various meetings over the last year and a half, I feel like I finally found the place I need to be. It's the place where people are working on similar things and I feel like I have both something to gain and something to offer. I am excited about going back, rather than just thinking I should go back.