Happy Halloween!

Stress levels

I don't know about you, but it's definitely a sign of overload in my world when the blogs I have to read via google reader total nearly 200...

oh how I miss down time...

Argghhh

In general, we don't allow our 17 month old, Ruth, to watch TV. But Ruth loves watching kids YouTube videos.  There are a couple we use regularly, and she seems to fixate on one for awhile and then after a month or so will want a new favorite. 

Her current favorite is this one.  Apparently she is so adept at pushing buttons on the phone that she managed to start a blog post to share it.  So, I figured I could help her out and finish the post.  Enjoy!

Disclaimer: it's fun the first time or two...by time 209, not as much...

Co-sleeping

Kaitlyn, someone who has started reading this blog, recently shared this article with me and I found it to be really helpful in engaging in the conversation around co-sleeping with your infant.  I appreciate that she distinguished between co-sleeping (sleeping near your infant) and bed-sharing (sleeping with your infant).  Both practices are incredibly common and recently with the fan-fare of the TIME article on attachment parenting, co-sleeping discussions are back in the news.  

As a parent, I assumed co-sleeping meant sleeping WITH your child.  In general, I was not a fan of the idea.  We did have Ruth with us on occasion, and then later, when nursing was easier, I would have her with me in the early morning.  But otherwise, if she was with us, I wasn't really sleeping.  So, we opted for the bassinet and later for the crib.  I also believe both of those practices to be the safest for our baby.  

I was actually intrigued to learn that co-sleeping isn't necessarily bed-sharing.  I'm not sure how wide-spread that notion is, but I find it helpful.  

I also think it's interesting that others have labeled me a mother who ascribes to "attachment parenting" when I hadn't even heard of it until Ruth was a year old.  I am a mother who does what I think is best for my child, though I don't think I prescribe to a particular model or technique.  (Although, truth be told, I am a HUGE proponent of Happiest Baby on the Block).  

I believe parents should do what is best for their child, and I believe that will be different for each child. I also believe parents should seek out information about how to care for their children, how to parent (in a variety of ways), child psychology, child development, and seek out wise and good examples for parenting.  Parenting is hard work and it can be easy to do what is easy or what your parents did without thinking about what habits or behaviors you might be forming or fostering for your child without even realizing.  What we do matters.  All of it.  And that shouldn't drive us to paranoia or insanity about each and every decision, but it should drive us to care about what we do and how we do it. 

Gratitude take 3

It's been a month and a half since I last posted a gratitude list. I think it's time to add a few more.
(I'm not sure what number I was on. I'll start with 50 and catch up if I need to)
50) a husband who has no problem cleaning the house
51) a really good dinner ready when I got home
52) self control
53) teaching the Bible
54) an intelligent, capable, and curious daughter
55) trusted friends
56) a little self indulgence
57) jacuzzi time
58) parents who pray with and for me/us
59) a loving church family

Posting ease

I regularly lament not having more time to blog. I simply don't have (make?) the time to do it. But now they make it accessible on your phone, and I finally downloaded the app. So maybe I have a chance to be a bit more regular in my writing. Here's to hope in all things being possible!

Fostering gratitude

A couple of months ago I decided I wanted to be more intentional about focusing on the blessings and good things in my life.  I did a couple of entries and then got side tracked from blogging, yet again.  So, here I am, back at it.  

31) A happy baby

32) a loving husband who teaches me to laugh, keep trying, and be a little less serious

33) the ability to stretch dollars to cover the bills

34) the blessings of family that has given me/us so much

35) vacation

36) true sabbath

37) time at my favorite, most sacred place

38) our month of sabbath rest at the church

39) modern medicine

40) a doctor who is attentive and helpful

41) fresh fruit from the orchard

42) fresh veggies from the garden

43) yummy recipes

44) a husband who cooks

45) dessert

46) time with friends

47) second chances

48) the power of grace and forgiveness

49) capable parents who parented well

50) my siblings and their families

A little like sin

I have been battling a rash on my hand for 8 months now.  It's not contagious, it's just red, inflammed, itchy, and sometimes painful.  My general practitioner gave me one diagnosis and said that since I was breastfeeding there wasn't really anything he could do.  So I have endured it, and endured it, and endured it. And it has steadily gotten worse.  I've had different people take guesses about what it is.  Excema. Psoriosis. Rosacea. Allergy related. Glutten related.  I've tried all kinds of lotions, and some creams and nothing really helps. 

 It seems to be triggered the most by certain foods: breads, peanuts, pineapple, tomatoes, citrus fruits.  And as someone who has been free to eat what she wants for 30+ years, cutting ALL of those things out has been less than appealing.  I have cut back, and noticed some improvement at times, but then I'll eat something else, that I didn't expect to have an affect, and have a reaction, which just makes abstinence from other foods even less appealing. I mean, if I eat pineapple and have a reaction, then why not eat a biscuit too.  After all, suffering is suffering, right?!  

All the while that I debated abstaining from certain foods or not, I couldn't help but think there is a correlation to how we think about sin. Think of it this way: There is something in your life that is causing a problematic reaction in your life.  You think you know what it might be but you're not 100% positive. So, you mostly cut out the alleged culprit, but then you still have negative stuff happening, so you dabble with assumed enemy number 1 again.  After all, it might not be enemy number 1 and then you'd be missing out on the "good stuff" without cause.  But then you have more trouble. So, you're tempted (but only tempted) to think enemy number 1 might actually have a role to play.  So you do your best to avoid it.  Most of the time anyway.  But you're still tempted.  I mean it really is SO good.  Who could resist?  All the while, your troubles spread and are only getting worse.  You've considered getting help, but you've also been told help is futile. So you keep suffering, and keep dabbling, occasionally.  

And then you have to ask yourself,  

how much longer can I let this go on? 

 How much worse will it have to be before I become convinced there is a problem?

If I knew that enemy #1 was the source, would I finally deal with the negative effects in my life?  

 And after asking those questions, I decided I really did need the help of a professional. Today I was finally able to see a dermatologist, which was semi helpful. He gave me 3 different diagnoses and 3 different treatments, and he isn't sure about what I might be allergic to, only suggested an allergist might be helpful.  So, I have medicines to try and I'll go back in 6 weeks. 

Attitude of Gratitude take 2

Obviously I need to work on consistency, but here are some more things for which I give thanks.

11) a super amazing trustee chair

12) finally having the church parsonage rented

13) awesome youth who are willing to help from taking out trash to leading at VBS

14) a husband who is incredibly gifted and always willing to help me

15) fresh fruit from the trees

16) summer squash

17) home-canned fruit

18) homemade jam

19) friends moving closer

20) opportunities to help

21) a nice long nap

22) my family

23) our dogs

24) living in a city with lots of options

25) strength of the faithful in the church

26) a new woman in church who has years of experience in ministry and was more than ready to be a prayer partner

27) new visitors in worship

28) competent and helpful laity

29) the opportunity to overhaul the church nursery

30) a brother in law who is willing to be our on-call doctor

Do not worry

The other day, I met a friend for coffee.  We were sitting outside at Starbucks and she noticed a woman behind me and said she wanted to talk to her. I asked why and she said, "I don't know, she just looks sad. I want to hear her story."  I encouraged her to go, but she refused.  We talked further and a few more times throughout our conversation, she looked at the woman and repeated her curiosity about her situation.  I continued to tell her she should talk to her if she felt compelled to do so. Again and again, she declined.  

As we were saying our goodbyes, I went inside to wash Ruth's hands.  As we headed toward the door, we saw the woman sitting inside us and she commented on how beautiful Ruth is.  I thanked her and had Ruth wave hello.  Then we played a few games to get Ruth to smile and carried on with pleasantries.  The woman again commented on how pretty Ruth is and then said a blessing for health and happiness over her.  She blessed me as well and I returned the blessing.  

Outside I said goodbye to my friend and went on my way.  Later that afternoon I received a voicemail from my friend saying she had gone inside and talked to the woman and she shared the details of their conversation, part of which was that the woman had told her to tell me, "Tell her everything will be ok. Do not worry."  My friend explained she had told the woman nothing about me, only that the woman had shared this divine wisdom.  

I was truly blessed.  Things haven't been awful lately, but they haven't been wonderful either and they have definitely been stress filled.  And I needed to hear those words.

I have only had a couple of prophecies told to me over the years.  The first was in Cuba in 2003, the second 2.5 years ago about R and me, and now this one.  This woman was a gift to me.  And I can't help but think that my friend's compulsion to talk to her wasn't for the woman's sake, but for mine. 

Gratitude list

A friend of mine from seminary has been working on a gratitude list for months now.  I read it and appreciate all the things for which she gives thanks.

Often, in recent weeks (months) I’ve found myself more full of complaints than praises and instead of continuing to wait for the perfect series of events to satisfy my frustrations, I think it’s time I start focusing on the things for which I am grateful.  I’d like to pledge to do 10 or 20 per week, but since I have a hard time getting on here to write anything, that may be a but lofty, but I’ll do what I can….

1.      A daughter who loves to laugh
2.    A dog that cuddles when I’m upset
3.   A husband who is amazing at getting the house clean in record time 
4.    The gift of being able to nurse my daughter without physical struggles
5. Church office volunteers who love my daughter and don’t mind when she interrupts their work
6.  The flexibility to try new things in worship 
7.   Homemade spaghetti sauce
8.     Awesome homemade sticky buns
9.  JW who called for coffee just to catch up
10. A nice long afternoon walk

Attachment Parenting

A couple of weeks ago, TIME magazine published this article.  The picture is particularly provactive (and was meant to be) of this mother nursing her 3 year old son.  

I read a handful of comments about it on Facebook and a brief summary of the article and then hoped to get the article myself to read it beginning to end.

Well, a few days later, I had my chance, though not in the ways I expected.  I had someone confront me about how offended they were that I nurse Ruth at church/at work/in public.  And after she shared her concern about my *impropriety*, she handed me a copy of the TIME magazine and said that after reading the article, she understood where I was coming from.  The conversation didn’t go much beyond that. I thanked her for her courage to share her opinion with me and we left it at that.

At home, I processed the conversation with some loved ones and tried to figure out just how to respond and what my further actions should be as far as nursing at church/at work/in public.  I also had a chance to read the article which talked about Attachment Parenting,. 

And while I do some of the things prescribed by attachment parenting folks (like breastfeeding and baby wearing) I had actually heard nothing of this theory of parenting before I read the article. And the reason I do those things is because they are healthy, they are natural, and the make life easier.   I also have my daughter with me pretty much full time (even while working).  Part of this is by choice, and part of this is by necessity.  It's not because I'm trying to be some gung-ho attachment mom, but because I like being with my daughter, and most often, I need to have her with me because there aren't other options.  And yes, I think having her with me more time than not also happens to be one of the best things for her development.  (It should also be noted that my church members LOVE her and often ask that I bring her with me).  

Parenting is a complicated thing.  And as a new parent (maybe even as a seasoned one) you get advice from all sides of the spectrum.  Sometimes it's worth something, sometimes it's not.  And each of us does the best we can with what we have, who we are, and what we know. 

I don't think there is one particular parent "type" that is best.  Whether it's Spock, Ferber, Karp, or Sears, I don't think any of them gets it all right or all wrong.  They just get it...it takes a lot to raise a kid, and you should try to be informed, encouraging, and choosing what is best for your child as you can. 

Fighting with grace

Aside from the dreamt scenario I wrote about yesterday, fighting (verbally, emotionally, physically) in any situation takes discernment.  I think so anyway.  I'm not the type to fight physically (never have, God willing, never will) and I am not the type to yell and scream, though regrettably, I can pack a mean verbal punch.  Emotionally, politically (in the church), I can fight. And sometimes we are forced to fight, other times we are simply tempted to fight.  

For instance: Someone starts saying slanderous things about you, gossiping throughout the church or community and threatening to ruin your leadership, your reputation, or the respect you have from others.  In some instances, you can fight. In some instances you have to fight.  In other instances, it's best to hold your tongue and ignore the incendiary comments.  "It would depend."  

Often when attacked in the work place it's very tempting to stand up and fight back, to argue that we are in the right, or argue "the truth." It can be particularly tempting to lash out and "put the other person in their place".  And yet, that's often the least productive response.  I learned a few years ago, sometimes it is best to respond with grace, no matter how hard it is, because the truth will come out in the end.  It may not be as immediate of a resolution as we would like, but the truth will come out.  And you will be known for rising above the chaos and handling yourself (and the other person) with respect and dignity.  And that will count for a lot.

You would fight wouldn't you?

One morning R shared that he had had a bad dream...a nightmare where I had been raped.  In the dream, I told him that I hadn't fought off the attacker because he told me I could live if I didn't fight. So I chose life and didn't fight.

In the real life conversation, he pleadingly asked, "You would fight, wouldn't you?!" I shrugged my shoulders and said, "It would depend."

I pray that I never have to know the pain and anguish of rape (physically, emotionally, or spiritually). I have worked with enough survivors to know that it is awful. I've also worked with enough survivors to know, "it would depend."  Most of us, if not all of us, would think that we would be able to fight.  and win.  But that isn't always the case.  And there are very real situations where a victim is faced with a choice, life or abuse.  As much as I wouldn't want to choose abuse (I use that term VERY loosely since I do not believe it is a true choice, only sometimes a choice between the lesser of two evils, which is no choice at all), I would want to choose life.  Maybe in a different scenario, I would see an out, I would have a chance, or be willing to risk it and fight.  I don't think that knowledge or that decision can be foretold or preplanned, it is simply something that has to be judged in the moment.  

It all depends. 

To continue or not to continue

Recently I've been thinking a lot about blogging. And honestly, I've been thinking about how infrequently I blog.  In the past I have found blogging to be cathartic and helpful.  In the present, I have a desire to write, but often feel like "I can't put that out there for the world to read."  Whether it's work related or personally related, I feel like life has gotten much more complicated and relationships have gotten much deeper, meaning there is a lot more of life that is off limits. 

So, now I am in a period of discernment.  Is the blogging worth it?  I have been working on compiling a Lenten devotional book and have considered using various past posts and have enjoyed what I wrote and feel like that type of inspiration has been missing in life, so then I wonder if it's worth it for me to continue writing.  

I need inspiration. I need ideas.  I need parts of my life that aren't overly vulnerable so that I can feel free in sharing.  

I've been reading dooce.com for a couple of years now and really enjoy Heather's posts.  In recent weeks she has shared about her separation from her husband and how hard that has been. I admire her vulnerability in sharing with the online community. I sometimes wish I had that same freedom.  I realize it's not always a blessing, it can be a curse to have the whole world "up in your stuff".  Even now I sometimes resent how visible my life is to people in the church, and I guess that's part of why I don't feel safe in sharing more.  I want some part of my life left for me, some part where people don't know what is happening, some part that is separate and my own.

A pastor's prayer

R's father was a pastor. He died nearly 4 years ago now.  We have inherited various things from him: commentaries, books, shirts, knick knacks, a desk, fishing gear, and more. One of the most sacred (in my mind) things we have is his old journals.  I don't know where he got them but he had at least a dozen red leather journals marked with the year. They have one page for each day of the year and he wrote faithfully.  They are less like journals where he shared all his thoughts and did a written monologue, and more like his daily prayers.

There were definitely days he missed, but he was quite regular in writing his prayers.  It is touching to read through and see his heart as he prayed for church issues, church families, and that God would guide him in his ministry.  

I have journaled for years. It started as a habit in 6th grade when it was required.  To date, I have over 40 journals.  They used to be all about life.  Now they are a mix of sermon prep, personal writing, and prayers.  I have told my best friend that if I die, she is supposed to find them and burn them. But now that I have a daughter, there is part of me that thinks down the line it would be cool for her to have those to look back on.  Some things are deeply personal and I'd rather no one read them (hence the request for them to burned), but once I'm dead it probably won't matter much.  ;)  

Someone close to R's dad has said his journals should be burned, but we would hate to lose those memories and prayers of his.  In a way, it is a way of connecting with him on a deeper level (both professionally and personally) even though we never met.  

Thank you Steve for your faithfulness, your ministry, and your prayers.

A Little Weary

I love Christmas! Each year, right after Thanksgiving, I haul out the Christmas decorations and dress up the house. I put up the tree and use my Christmas dishes all year long. This year as I decorated, I thought, "Why don't I keep the decorations up since I love them so much?" But I immediately knew if I did that, they would lose some of their power to transform my home. 

Normally, I get so excited to entertain and create worship services, but this year, something is missing.  Life has been full of changes with the addition of Miss Ruth and the purchase of a new home, and work has been tiring because it has been stressful and some people in the church have done and said some pretty hurtful things. I just don't have the drive.  I wish I did. I wish I had the energy for it, but these days, mostly, I just push myself to do it because I know it needs to be done.  

I'm hoping for a renewal of energy and creativity. 

Dear Lord, please inspire me to lead and love your people this holiday season. Amen.

Are you putting in enough hours?

This week my SPRC liaison approached me about a couple of issues she needed to discuss with me.  One was about finances for the coming year (a looming unknown as we wait and pray for more pledge cards to be turned in) and about some concerns from the congregation a couple of people in the congregation. Two people had asked her if I was even working full time these days.  

Wow.  That stung. I would venture to say that anyone in ministry as a profession knows that there is no "part time ministry".  I have friends who have tried it...tried working half time or even 3/4 time, and yet, the work of ministry is consuming and they still end up putting in full time hours.  Ever since commissioning, I have worked full time as a pastor.  Most weeks that equals 50-55 hours, minimum.  Often it equals 60-65 hours in a week.  In high holy seasons, maybe even more.  

I love my job, and love what I do.  And since having a baby, I have backed up a bit from the overly full time schedule I was keeping. I used to be willing to go from 8am-midnight if it was needed to accomplish something or to run a program.  Now, I am not able to do that, and in having Ruth, I have seen my priorities differently, and I am even unwilling to do that.  Regularly working a 16 hour day is not fair and it's not fun.  

The truth of the matter is I have scaled back.  Scaled back from 55-60 hour weeks to 45-50 hour weeks (with an occasional week requiring more).  But I still work full time.  

I suggested to my SPRC liaison that a fitting response to these individuals might be, "what is it you expect Pastor Debbie to be doing that you don't see her doing?" I mean, maybe they have some expectation for my ministry and I just don't know about it.  

I inquired where the concern came from and one person said they didn't see me in the office much and the other just wondered how many hours I have been working.  I know many of my colleagues have faced regular complaints about "office hours" being insufficient, fortunately, I never have. So to be surprised by it was very frustrating.  So little of my ministry occurs within the office walls.  Sure, it can.  I do counseling in the office (but I also do it at starbucks, in restaurants, on the phone, and in my own home).  I do emailing and administration in the office (but I also do that in my home and just about wherever I am on my phone).  I read in my office (that is if I am left alone for more than 15 minutes...), but I also read a variety of other places.  But I am not the type to just sit in the office.  It's part of why I like ministry--I have the flexibility to work anywhere.  

Hearing those types of comments always makes me do some serious self inventory.  And I have. And now I need to move on. Because I know I work full time. I know I do a variety of things in ministry. (I also know that I am not super human and there are things I miss because there simply isn't time to do it all).  Now I am working on forgiving this unnamed person and trying not to make assumptions about who it was.

Quote of the Day

"I had major, much needed break work done recently. Because I had been driving with bad breaks so long (darn near pushing them to the floor to stop), the repaired breaks didn't feel right when I first drove away. I wanted to go back and ask the mechanic if he had done it correctly. I felt something was wrong because I didn't have to try as hard to accomplish my goal (stop). Lesson: in life we can get so used to dealing with wrong until "right" doesn't feel "right" because we're so used to wrong. Do yourself a favor and don't wait too long to fix the problem". --Reginald Bell

No trespassing

I have written about our ministry with the homeless on various occasions here on this blog. It has been a journey filled with lots of learning (for me) and education (of the congregation and for those we serve).  Sometimes, I am very proud of our ministry. I am proud of those who have found community in our midst.  I smile and think of Allen, who had been on the streets for 17 years when I first met him.  Allen claimed he loved the outdoors and didn't ever want to live inside again.  For 6 months (after I arrived), he slept on our property. Only a few short weeks after I arrived, he began attending worship and came faithfully every Sunday after. He joined the church and was a regular liturgist.  

I am proud of those who have been able to use our ministry as a stepping stone to finding long term housing. I smile when I think of Ed, Katie, Carlos, and Allen knowing they sleep on a bed with shelter over their heads each night.

I am proud of those who have sought sobriety because, in part, of our ministries.  I celebrate with Carlos who now has nearly 2 years sober.  

I am proud of the connection we have with those we serve so that they aren't left alone when they are sick and hospitalized, or even when they die.  I have been to the ER countless times to share in prayer with these brothers and sisters, and been part of saying goodbye when 4 of them have died.  I was glad they did not die alone.

I am proud of the ways our members have faced their fears and confronted their stereotypes, for the ways we have stopped dealing with "the homeless" and started dealing with individuals...Alan, Cuca, Jimmy, Wade, and many, many more.

I am glad that an occasional meal bag has converted into weekly hot breakfast with the opportunity to make a sack lunch, prayer before their meal, clean clothes and shoes, Bible study, and worship.  

I am so grateful to be a part of this ministry and to learn to live and change in the midst of it.

And, even, in the midst of all that triumph, there is frustration and failure.  

It was over a year ago that the trustees decided we could no longer allow individuals to sleep on our property (it was a year and a half ago we had to limit day time access so folks weren't just sleeping on the grounds--we really felt that if we were trying to help them get to a better place in life, napping day in and day out on our property, was not going to get them there).  We issued notice and told folks they couldn't stay. Night after night and morning after morning we would tell people to leave because they were camping out.  Sometimes we called the police, sometimes we didn't.

And, truth be told, we sort of have a love hate relationship with the PD.  They haven't always been very helpful.  In fact, they sort of hold (or live?) an all-or-nothing policy.  When we first began allowing folks to stay, the area commander told me in no uncertain terms, he didn't support what we were doing. And, basically, if we allowed them to stay at any time, then they were prohibited from asking them to leave at any time.  In other words, if we made any allowances, they would not help.  As our policies have changed, we have tried to have the police help us, and unfortunately they have not.  On various occasions, I have received reports back of what certain (homeless) individuals have said that I said and have had to shake my head that the police would believe such things.  In the same breath an officer will say, "you can't trust anything CM says" and then follow it up with, "we can't kick her off the property because she said Pastor Debbie hired her to be security."  It seems odd that someone who "can't be believed" is allowed to make up all kinds of things about what permissions I have granted.  

It's frustrating, to say the least.

Well, after a year of "battle" with 3 individuals who refuse to heed church instruction, who cuss out church members, who refuse to comply with the police, who break into our buildings, who lie about our policy, who steal from our church, we decided we had to get hard core.  We filed a no trespassing order...one that says that anyone on the property without permission will be arrested on felony charges. 

That feels awful to me.  I don't want the church to have to say "No trespassing, get out of here."  But I also don't want the absence of such a rule to imply "sure, come on over, break into a building, stay, we don't care, oh yeah, and don't bother listening to our people or the police" and that seems to be the message these 3 individuals hear.  

My biggest hope is that the police don't continue to play the all-or-nothing game arresting anyone on the property. They all know who the problem characters are, because they present a problem to the police too.  

Please pray for us as we continue on this journey and try and do what is most faithful along the way.