"Yep, you got it … I simultaneously put up walls!
I put up walls and barricades of my own, because at some deep level, it’s as if I don’t really trust God to protect me!
So this is what I’m praying for today! A breakthrough!"
Having just tried the dating bit again for the first time in a year and a half and having it not take off the way I might have hoped this quote resonates deep within. As I prayed last night, I had to admit the wounds I still have from past relationships and the walls I have erected around myself so as to not be hurt again. I seem to have an almost unyielding MO (Modus Operandi) in dating relationships, and much of it deals with the walls I have built around my heart. It's strange really because more often than not I think of myself as open and vulnerable with people--that I give a lot of myself in all relationships, but I think despite the fact that I give of, I rarely give over---I entrust my being, my ser, with very few people...which leads to walls, or at the very least perceived walls. I guess one way of saying things would be to say that while I am not unapproachable, for many folks I seem to be "impenetrable".
On one level, I would say the wall is good--it protects, and yet, most walls are not discriminating--in other words, they protect against the bad AND the good. There is no method of evaluation for what passes and what doesn't, just a sign that reads loud and clear, "keep out!" Even though I can name all of these things and see the shortcomings, I am not fully ready to let go, to derrumbar my walls.