Saturday, June 27, 2009
1) It is not about you! In a variety of ways it is not about you. First and foremost, because what you do is about God. But in the most practical ways, for the first 6 months or so (at least), the way people act and respond is not about you. When they get uppity about bulletins, or change in worship, or your clothes, that's not about you. It will feel like it is, but it's not. When they refuse to come to church because you're __________ (a woman, a man, too young, too old, too conservative, too liberal...blah, blah, blah) that's not about you. They don't know you yet, so it can't be about you.
2) So....don't make it about you. Don't get defensive. Take a step back and try and discern what the real issue is. More often than not (particularly in the early stages) the issue that confronts you is not the real issue. So, dig deep, listen well, and try and attend to the real issue.
3) Parsonages are SOOOO much fun! Remember, one day you will laugh about the rats in the attic, the bathroom floor that is about to fall through, the roof that leaks, the yard that looks like a jungle, and it will be ok. In the meantime, breathe deeply, ask the trustees to take care of things, remember it is not your fault these things are a problem to start with, and help when and where you can.
4) Leave the stereotypes at the door. When you get to the new church (and probably even before) you will hear about your people. You will hear their reputations (both good and bad)...who will be helpful, who will hurt you, who will be an obstacle to you. Sometimes those things will prove true. Many times they will not. Before I arrived at Wesley I heard about couples that were so attached to the last pastor that they would never form a bond with me. I heard about people who would be the hardest on me and might never like me. I made it a point to meet with these folks one on one and got to know them on my own terms. 99% of the time the things I had heard were not true...those that loved the last pastor also love me and those that were going to "get in [my] way" have done nothing of the sort. The "tyrant" of your church, might just be a bully, but take the time to leave that at the door and get to know him/her and then decide for yourself.
5) Meet with your people. Don't have an agenda other than to get to know them and learn their stories. And, when you walk out, keep a notepad or a journal to write down what they told you. You might think you can remember family stories and marriage proposals etc, but 8 months from now, most likely you won't and you'll wish you could. So write it down, and then when you need to call on them, refer to your notes so you can be fresh on names and major incidents.
6) Do not come in with a vision. People will ask you what your vision for the church is...you don't know!! Your vision for the first 6 months (at least) should be to get to know your people. Take time to learn about your people and listen for God's call.
7) Give it at least six months. It takes time to form new relationships and get established. It may be rocky for awhile, but prayer and faithful ministry will make things better. So, give yourself some time to get adjusted.
I've thought a lot about having God at the center of a relationship. I've shared that with couples and counseled about getting God back to the center, particularly in times of trial.
Thursday, I had new clarity about that notion. I thought about all the pressures that are placed upon a couple. I thought about burdens of work (or unemployment), kids, family, naysayers, bills...all of those things apply pressure to the relationship. I had the visual image of a 2x4 and all of that pressure being applied at the center. You and your partner stand at either end and support the weight from your position, but the center, if unsupported, under too much weight will snap. That's why you need God there. If God is at the center of your relationship, then when all that weight is applied, when the burdens become too much to bear, God will hold the weight, and support your relationship so that it doesn't snap.
God's support and strength don't give us a free ride. We still have to support our ends. After all if there is strength at the center, but not at either end, the board will still snap...just in a different direction.
When trials come, when the burdens are overwhelming, it is important to have God at our center, to allow God to carry some of the weight, to not insist that we must do it by ourselves or for ourselves.
We need God's support in our relationships, otherwise the load might be just too much to bear.
Friday, June 26, 2009
We are considering a candy bar for the wedding. R is addicted to candy and we thought it would be a fun touch. One of the bridesmaids offered to help and I asked if she would do research on cost and containers and all that kind of fun stuff.
She is doing great work, but I figured I'd ask for input or wisdom from any of you that might know about cheap places for candy, or how much to buy, etc, etc, etc.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Does anyone use an online study? How is it run? Facilitated? Moderated?
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
So we went to a place called "One Stop Bridal Shop" or something of the sort. They had some really beautiful dresses, but almost all of their sizes were WAY too small, so there was no real way to decide if it would look good on or not (and they weren't the type of store that would not have a variety of sizes in the same style). The clerk who was there was not helpful in the least.
The first two times I tried on dresses the ladies were in the room with me helping me put on and take off gowns. Initially I was bothered that I couldn't just try on a dress, but after having an experience where there was no help, I definitely appreciate the hands-on nature of Alfred Angelo and David's Bridal. After 7 or 8 unsuccessful try-ons at one-stop, it was time to leave.
So we decided we'd go to Alfred Angelo since I had found dresses I liked there before, but was in a foul mood before, so hopefully they would feel and look better this time around. We got there and the woman who helped me was awesome. She was friendly and knowledgable and really helpful. There was bride having a pure meltdown (and somewhat of a tantrum) when we got there and I kept thinking, "If it comes to tears over the train, send me home and send me to bed!"
I looked through the catalog and found a couple I had liked before but that weren't the right size the first time. She brought three dresses and it was good. We nixed the first one (well, I nixed it, technically) and then bounced around between the second and third. Then I tried a fourth and it was good too. It was nice to try on dresses that would zip and to work with someone who seemed genuinely interested in helping me find a dress I loved.
So, that was the good news. The other good news was that they are having a major sale on Friday and the dresses I liked will be $300 off. The bad news is....they are the top of the line styles, so they start out way more, so even the discounted price is more than I would like to pay.
So, yeah. It would be nice to make it to the nice designer outlet before Friday, but that's not gonna happen. So, I sort of have to bite the bullet and hope I find something comparable, or suck it up and pay for the one I like. For now, I will give you all voter's choice power. In no particular order, here are the three from today plus a couple others. Please choose a favorite (recognizing most are either a little small or a little big...which makes the top part pucker or bulge a little) :
Monday, June 22, 2009
She shared these words with us:
A United Methodist Tapestry
Inspiration for the 2009 ordination stoles began with current events, the economy, the environment, and our world.
This crazy quilt style stole was pieced using repurposed fabrics representative of our United Methodist lives and faith journey
Grandmother’s sweater—honoring tradition and heritage
Scraps from a child’s quilt—hope for the future
A few neckties—United Methodist Men
A woman’s blouse and slacks—United Methodist Women
Reds from a quilter’s fabric stash—sharing and caring
A tea towel and apron—hospitality
Fabrics from previous ordination class stoles—your colleagues, mentors, and friends
Aloha fabric because we can all use a little aloha in our lives
Discontinued designer samples—a little style
Denim, the workhorse of fabrics, seems an appropriate backing. Much of it was harvested from worn or outgrown jeans from family and friends, both young and old. A preschooler’s pet rock was rediscovered and carefully removed from his outgrown pocket. Jeans have very practical pockets so each stole has one ready for a note (a thought before it is lost), a tissue or change (remember change can be a good thing).
The Pentecost cross is symbolic of the Great Commission. Here it is made from a tablecloth, representative of the invitation to come to the many tables of our faith…for communion, caring for the hungry, church picnics, and pot lucks.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Plans for the wedding have continued to happen. We continue to look at the guest list and review names and are trying to make room for everyone we would like to invite…which is tremendously difficult at this point because we are limited to 200 people at our venue (which we don’t want to forsake because of beauty, convenience, and price).
As someone who likes everyone to be included, thinking of who we might exclude is a high anxiety process for me. It seriously stresses me out and makes me a bit of a cranky pants.
Tonight my dad and I walked the dogs and picked up fast food. As we walked, we ran into a number of the homeless I see and know and work with each week at the church. They know me by name and excitedly greeted me and introduced me to their companions. As we walked I began to wonder how many of them I should include in the wedding list.
In some ways, I was ashamed to ask the question. I mean, if they were regular Joes who worked and had a home and came to church each Sunday, I doubt I’d ask whether or not they should be included (as long as we’re including church people in general). Allen is just as much a regular as Linda, so should there be any distinction?
Part of me cringes because I have seen “good church people” up and move on Sunday morning when Alean sits next to them in the pew, and I would hate for him to be rebuked or rejected in a similar way at my wedding celebration. If he were there, he’d be just as much an invited guest as anyone else. Why should he be known or treated any differently? (I am sure that he would get a hair cut, take a shower, and even get a nice outfit to wear to the celebration).
But I am still hesitant, for whatever reason. Not as much about Allen specifically, he’s there every Sunday and has been since I invited him for the first time last July, but what about the others? What about the woman who shows up high on crack? Or the men who sit and drink on the church premises? What about those who come for Sunday hot breakfast and maybe even Sunday school, but don’t darken the door of the sanctuary? What about them? Are they not members of our body? Appendages in the eyes of many, but part of the body nonetheless…
In many ways, I know many of these people better than other church members. I see them throughout the week, hear their stories, their laments, tend to their needs in ways I don’t for others (either because I am not asked, or their needs are not as apparent).
In a related conversation, my dad suggested we think about wedding plans as if we were inviting Christ. He thought we should even consider setting a place for Christ at a table. I like the idea. We might even do it. And then I pause and think, “Isn’t giving a seat to Allen the same as offering that seat to Christ?”
Asking the question challenges my notions of inclusivity and hospitality. How open am I really if I still make distinctions between people based on economics or social status? Am I really being Christ-like? Should I show more grace? More inclusivity? Less judgment? Less fear of what others will say?
I realize I am in no way simplifying my wedding craziness. Maybe you can help? Maybe you have wisdom or courage or grace to offer…
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Awesome! To be honest, I started cracking up. It literally made my day. I haven't even been here a year and I've already had the mayor's office notified about our ministries (and apparently the misdeed of caring for those in need). The city guy said he was given leeway to work with us, but had to do it right away or it would move out of his hands. I said that was fine and moved our homeless team meeting up a week to this Monday. I asked church folks about a good time and figured 7pm would work and sent out a confirmation email.
Well, then I got an email back from the city guy and he can't do 7pm and he interpreted my email to mean that I think we are in an us vs them position. (Which I don't). He also said there has been more than one complaint (sort of saw that one coming), and that there are health and safety code violations that need to be addressed. That email did not make my day.
I knew that eventually working with the homeless would become something bigger...an advocacy issue...I guess I just didn't figure it would be now.
The truth is I started to cry when I got that email. I cried because I had been misunderstood. I cried because this ministry is hard and taxing. I cried because I don't want to fight. I am tired and busy and have 100 things on my plate and the last thing I want to do is fight the city, or the mayor, or the NIMBY folks around us.
But then as I thought about it (and kept crying) I thought, "It would be easier to make them leave. It would be easier not to have sanitation issues. It would be easier not to deal with their stuff that is piled around the church. It would be easier not to deal with parishioner complaints about why "they" are still here. All of that would be easier. But it would not be more faithful."
If we kick them off of our property, there is still no place for them to go. Yes, there are shelters here, but they fill up and there is not enough space for everyone. So, you think there are health and safety violations with them sleeping around the church? How about when they defecate and urinate behind local restaurants? When they get more violent staking out territory because it's a fight for the good spot every night?
Even if this ceased to be our issue, it doesn't cease to be an issue. There is still a real need and a very complex web of problems. There is no complete answer. There is no perfect answer.
As a church we aren't trying to be defiant. We aren't trying to be rebellious. We are trying to care for those in need, doing what we can with what we have. We try to deal with trash and bathroom issues. We try and hold them to a standard of behavior and involvement with the church. We try and treat them with care and dignity and respect.
And to simply say, "Sorry this got way too sticky and complicated for us" may be honest, but it is not faithful.
Nevertheless, I still don't want to fight (not that I won't just that I don't want to). I don't want to deal with citations from the city, or the police, or the mayor's office, or whomever thinks it's a brilliant idea to offer citations for caring for those in need.
I have a feeling tomorrow's meeting is going to be hard, and that things might just get very hard. Please pray for us as we make decisions and have tough conversations and try and continue to be faithful in our response.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Together as ONE, we can make a difference!