Spritual Authority

Today I was sharing with a friend and community organizer.  We talked about some of the issues we've been having at the church in the last few months and she mentioned my "spiritual authority" and asked if anyone in the church had similar authority.  I mentioned some prayer warriors and she explained that wasn't what she meant...she meant like in hierarchy or ranking that those who are higher have greater spiritual authority.  

I could follow what she was saying, but to be honest the language and idea is pretty foreign to me.  In all honesty, spiritual warfare and spiritual authority is not something that came up much in churches growing up.  It wasn't really until I was in ministry and working with my spiritual mentor that I began to touch on some of these things.  That's only been within the last 4 years.  

And while I'm good on some fronts, there are others that are very strange lands to me.  

After our discussion this friend prayed for me, something for which I am super grateful.  But I also walked away with a lot of questions.  Do I have greater authority in spiritual matters than others in my congregation?  I would say I have more training, more learning, and often more understanding about the Bible, or prayer, or theology, but power?  Do I have more power than another?  Does the DS or the Bishop have greater power still?  Would my prayers actually be more efficacious in matters pertaining to my church than someone else's?  If so, would the converse (or evil side) be true?  As in, would the consequences and repercussions for my sins be greater than those of another? (Not that I'm trying to sin, but I have a guilt complex as it is....)

I asked R what his thoughts are (he comes from a more charismatic tradition) and he said I absolutely have more authority at my church as it is a divine appointment--I'm not willy-nilly there (now, I believe God truly placed me here, but I have to admit that the skeptic in me has to wonder about ALL Methodist appointments...I know God uses us regardless, but I am not always convinced that each appointment is THE one God had in mind...)  And as such, I have full authority over my flock.  Not that they don't have responsibility in praying for the church and the church people, but that somehow I have more spiritual power.  Now, he doesn't agree that the DS or bishop have more spiritual authority than others--simply that they are pastors too and would have equal power.  And he definitely wasn't ready to jump on board that *Name* has full authority over all of Riverside county. 

To be honest, I don't know how to think about all of it.  Like I said, it's a new conversation for me.  I REALLY want to call my spiritual mentor and get his input and wisdom but he's taking a move this year and I don't want to disturb him, but I might have to send a note for "when there's time".  

I don't know, what are your thoughts?

Wedding tips

We did it! We are officially married!  (We even got the marriage certificate to prove it!)

Now, after 3 weeks of reflection, there are some things I'm super glad we did and others I wish we had done.  For what it's worth:

Glad we:

• Hired a quality photographer who did more than just the standard shots
• Did a photo guest book, putting a face with a name can be hard enough, let alone just trying to remember a person with no photo after years of marriage.
• Did pictures ahead of time.
• Had family and friends in for most of the week before the actual wedding, it was great to spend time with them!
• Took time out for extra fun stuff.  Going to an angels' game, definitely a good plan!

• Took crazy pictures on the trampoline...not many folks get to do that and it's something fun and memorable. 

• Took 2 full weeks off (well, I got to anyway, but we got to enjoy Mexico AND camp in the mountains)
• Wrote as many thank you notes as possible before the wedding. We were VERY blessed and have many notes to write. Knowing most of the "pre" gifts were acknowledged is super helpful. 
• Got the wedding band Grandma was insistent I have...I love it!
• Got to dance with the kids at the reception...those were my favorite memories as a child, I hope they are for them too. 
• Invited lots of people to join the celebration!
• Included family in the service (wedding party and liturgy)
• Designed our own liturgy and veered from the beaten path...I wasn't sure how I'd feel not using the traditional words, but I think it came out great!
• Took the time to take the family shots!
• had people who were diligent enough to tape cards to gifts so that they didn't get mixed up in the transport.

Wish we had: 

• blocked more time in advance for pictures--they took longer than I expected. 
• Planned a longer reception, I was amazed at how little time I had with people
• Had someone (not the professional) with one of our cameras to take pictures of us with folks in the receiving line. People with cameras took pictures, but I would have appreciated having pictures with the other folks too, and would really like to have been able to send folks those shots.
• Expressed some expectations more clearly, some folks weren't available for pictures when they needed to be or changed out of formal wear far too early for our expectations and hopes.
• Made better dinner plans for ourselves the night of the wedding, or gone ahead with room service even though it was pricey rather than R walking MILES to find Denny's and bring dinner back.
• More time to spend with the folks we invited
• Pictures of everyone that was there. Despite the picture guestbook, not everyone was photographed, I'm bummed about that.
• Asked (paid?) someone to take lots of candid and fun shots of all the guests at the reception. The photographer did a great job, but focused on us, not them and again I wish I had more pics of the folks who were there. 
• More words to express how grateful we are for all those who celebrated with us and make our day wonderful.
• Been able to actual try the food and eat something! (ok, so we got a 2 bites each, plus one bite of cake, that was it--at least my dad had warned me!)

**I'm sure there are more things, but this what I have in mind for now.

Financial Follow-up

Special thanks to Dr. Tony, Larry, and Jim who all responded to the "Is it Me, or....?" post.  Each of them asked good and healthy questions for any church leaders and I wanted to respond to those and then give an update.

1) The concert was not a fundraiser for the church. Instead it was a fundraiser for our mission work on the Gulf Coast--over and above what we spend to send people down there and apart from our general operating budget.  We do have various fundraisers throughout the year, but they are not to sustain the ministries of the church--that comes from regular stewardship and tithing, instead they go to new or special ministries.  (Though as a note, I would like for us to get to a place where our regular budget even covers "special" things).

2) The finance chair has been up on all the happenings.  The trouble was not inattention, but rather one month of pronounced shortfall. 

3) We are a 100% church, meaning we pay 100% of our apportionments each year.  This comes off the top and is a commitment our church has had for years, with many thanks to HS who led us in that faithful stewardship. 

4) We have a growing membership with new visitors each week.  That being said, with many new folks, they aren't always financially committed to the church, but begin with attendance.  We do do a regular stewardship campaign in the fall and encourage people to step up in giving each year.  

5) Ever since I began full time ministry, I have tithed 10% and above.  I believe that it grounds my faith journey and allows me to preach with integrity when it comes to tithing and stewardship.  

6)  Larry asked if we have integrity in our spending, I believe we do.  Since I arrived, we have been working to shore up our accounting and do the required audits.  We are faithful in that we do not spend more than we have, which is in many cases how we were able to stay in the black last year.  That said, while we are faithful in how we spend God's money, we are looking at doing some new and different things so that we might better be able to grow the church with a strong financial foundation undergirding our work.

Now, as an update.  I went to annual conference and spoke with a friend/colleague and she shared that when she got to her church they had a debt of $500,000---$250,000 owed to the contractor, over and above the mortgage, and $250,000 to the city.  When I heard that I thought, "I would have cried and walked away."  But then she went on to share how they negotiated some of the costs and paid it off.  Then, we heard from our guest pastor from Korea about how they had raised $10,000,000 then $5,000,000 then $25,000,000 in order to grow the church and expand facilities.  That pretty much just blows my mind. I know many churches have done and will do that, but it floors me.  

I was humbled to hear their stories.  Really, our $2000 seemed like the widows mite in comparison.  I was struck with the need to pray for God to cover our needs and for us/me to truly turn this fully over to God.  

Last week our secretary shared that we had received $1000 for the shortfall, this week I heard we had received another check for $1000.  Then I was handed a $2000 check from someone else.  She is relatively new to the church, but wanted to help too, so we applied some of that to the general budget to keep us a bit ahead of the curve and the rest to the concert shortfall.  

I was amazed and awed at how quickly God provided when I stopped stressing and simply handed it over.  I know it's simple and obvious, but money stuff makes me anxious and it was hard to just trust that it would be covered.  But God has deepened my faith and challenged me in my faithfulness.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!!!

Quote of the day

Today's quote makes me rethink the earlier post:

"You challenge me Debbie. It's one of the things I love about you, but you scare me."

(then we both laughed)

Is it me or....?

So, finance stuff has been tight (and tough) lately (at the church I mean).  We knew before the fiscal year started that we would need to make some major budget changes and that the way do money now, in the long haul, would not take us where we need to be.  So we brought in a new finance chair to help us make the changes that we need.  

I don't know if you've tried it or not, but overhauling the budget is not an easy process. It's messy and tedious and Loooooooong.  But we're working at it.  

Well, in the meantime, we've hit a shortfall.  I don't think it's because of anything specific (maybe it is...?) but I think it's more that the economy has finally caught up with us.  Last year we were relatively unaffected, but this year we've hit the red zone.  It's not huge and it's no where near where I know other churches have dipped to, but it is troublesome and worrisome and all that bad stuff, so we brought it to the light with the larger congregation and asked for some help to get caught up.

Then, sort of at the same time, we put on our big concert event (which we had hope to have at least 2000 for but were prepared for as many as 5000), except we only ended up with 500, which meant we didn't even break even.  So next to the plea for help with the regular budget, we have a request in the church newsletter to help pay off our loans that paid for the event (made by church members).  The event as a whole had gone really well and the things we had control over were smooth and great!  But it is hard to keep people seeing that when there is a financial shortfall.  

So, people are now talking (probably more like murmuring because I'm not hearing it....not directly anyway, not yet, but I have been on a honeymoon until yesterday...) and they are worried that the church is in financial trouble (and somehow when people hear that they freeze and don't want to give money because they think we'll plunder it or something...it's odd really...or maybe not so odd since that's what many of us think when someone asks us for cash...we fear they've already mismanaged their funds to get in the place they are and we don't want to "waste" money in such a way....)

Anyway, I spoke with a church leader today and he said "we need your help to get us out of this." and I thought, "good, at least they trust me to help with this." But I also couldn't help but wonder if it's my fault.  Is it my fault that I helped lead a committee into putting on a big event that was so big that maybe it caused us to fall?  Some interpreted the obstacles we hit along the way to the concert as God's warning to try and keep us from experiencing the "failure" of the concert; and yet others interpreted those same obstacles as the enemy trying to prevent an amazing event from happening in God's name.  Which is it?  Did I ignore God's warnings?  Or did I see the enemy at work and encourage (rightly?) for folks to keep doing what we felt called to do in faith?  and who is to blame?  or do we blame anyone?

What about the general shortfalls of the church....are those my fault?  Am I supposed to be doing something different?  I'm guessing they are not my fault...though maybe I should do something different...(and I'm guessing that if I let myself believe that they are and I were to be in a church that was $20,000 in the hole or $40,000 in the hole that I might hurt myself or quit the ministry...so I probably shouldn't play into that....) But regardless, I can't help but wonder how I'm (as a still pretty green pastor) supposed to help my church out of financial trials and I am wondering how God offers guidance and discernment in these areas.

Any thoughts? Or even educated guesses?

How am I doing now?

In January 2009 I learned that I would interview with the Board of Ordained Ministry to be ordained as an elder in full connection.  I wouldn't interview until March, but asked for prayers as soon as I got the notice.  

This was one of the responses:

Dear Sister Debbie,

You've got them! Thanks for giving us targets we can aim our prayers. [Wife] and I and our family do pray, telling God how thankful we are for sending you here. For a long time, we have wondered what was wrong with us. Now we are asking why are we so blessed. Thank you. We do have so many blessings to be grateful about. You are so young and we are so old. Still, you charge in and make us stretch ourselves and to keep pushing the limit further out. Thank you. I am especially impressed that the homeless in our community have begun to find us (well, many of us) to be welcoming and accepting of who they are. You know you have made some of us to remember and accept who we are and whose we are. Relax, Pastor, know that God hears all of our prayers, including yours and that the good work he has started at Wesley in you is a long way from finished. We know that you are good for us. I pray that  the growth you are inspiring in us will make us good for you. We are looking forward to attending your ordination. 

Joy to you my sister,

[Parishioner]
PS. I probably will never write to you like this again, but it does feel good.

 

I'm not sure what made me look for this email the other day, but I did and was touched by it again.  I was and am awed by such a thoughtful note from a cherished church member.  But in reading it Saturday, I had to ask myself if I was still really doing such a good job.  I don't think I'm doing a bad job, or even that I'm slacking, but in some ways I don't feel very prophetic.  

I don't feel like I'm challenging people as much any more.  I suppose if I were fair, I'd say that I am challenging people differently.  And, if I were REALLY fair, I'd say that people shouldn't be challenged all the time...that there should be some time to reflect and grow and be with God rather than always having to change.  In the beginning, I think I (and my ways) was so new and different that lots of things were challenging to the congregation, not because I meant them to be, but simply because I do things differently.  And during the 2nd 6 months that I was here, I preached for a couple months on "Stepping out in faith to show God's love" and on people in the Bible who had risked for the sake of their faith. I encouraged people to be in ministry in new and different ways.  This year, I have been more focused on developing leadership (a much more challenging prospect if I can say so....)  I've also been focused on some major staffing and administrative issues that have come up that have not allowed me as much time to be creative in the ways I preach or do things in the church.  

I don't know. I'm probably just rambling here.  I feel like I'm ready for the next thing in the church (well, maybe after I finish sorting out some of the administrative mess) but I don't know exactly what that would be.  I don't feel like I'm inspiring people or bringing about the growth I would like, but don't know what I should be doing differently.  I feel like I need a mentor again, someone to process with and guide me in some sort of concrete direction.  Or maybe I just need to listen and pray more and see where it is God wants me to go....

To do or not to do...

...that is the question. I'm the type of person who likes to be busy. I really don't do well being idle (even at parties thrown for me, I prefer to help and serve and clean up).  I find that I am more productive when there is more on my plate (not less).

Though you could probably say that for the last few months my plate has been a bit too full which has impeded the true quality of my work....hopefully that will shift now that the big things are over and I can fall into a "normal" (whatever that is) routine again at work.

Anyway, back to the point of the post....in being a busy person, I am generally quick to say yes to things (hence the over committed side of my life).  I also tend to be the type that is invited to do lots of things for lots of people.  Every time I turn around I am being asked to do something new.  Now, in many ways, it's flattering.  Really, it's nice to have a good reputation and for people to want me to help with their project (or board or committee or whatever). On the other hand, it seems like my name is just a good name to throw out there whenever they need a young pastor for a job or when they need someone ready to say yes.  

In other words, I get a lot of requests.  I am finally (it only took me four years in full time ministry) trying to be more discerning about where I say yes and where I say no.  

Though I have to be honest, in the last 3 weeks, I've been trying to discern one such decision and I have a leaning, but I'm not totally sure that it's true discernment and not just my gut. I think I need to go back to MEM's advice and actually write things down and use the Ignatius Method of Discernment. 

Recipe of the day

I got home and wanted to bake today. I have a pack of dates that were left by someone and wanted to find a recipe to use them, but instead I happened upon this one for cranberry orange bread...so I made it instead and it was wonderful.

Recipe of the day

We watched "It's Complicated" this weekend and despite the very questionable moral plot line, they had a scene where the female protagonist makes chocolate croissants...ever since I've been craving some. So I looked up recipes and found this one.  I wasn't sure about the Philo dough and it sounded like extra work, so I grabbed some handy dandy Pillsbury croissants and used chocolate kisses cut in half (they were EVERYWHERE post wedding...) and baked them up....and they were fabulous!!!  I might go with chocolate chips next time because I think they might melt faster, but either way they were definitely worth the very little effort it.

A couple of 4th grade boys

Note to reader: ***this might be my most juvenile and random post to date, that's my disclaimer. You've been warned.  This is not theological or reverent.  So, if that's what you're hoping for, I'd stop now.

In seminary, a friend of mine shared that on one of the first nights dating her (now) husband, she farted, loud and obvious, and he just took it in stride and they all laughed it off.  Her advice was always to find a man who you could fart in front of. 

I was not of the same mind.  I could follow the logic, but was never one to fart in front of folks...regardless of who they are.  Well then R entered the scene and my logic was only cemented.  There was no (semi) public farting.  Period.  It just didn't happen. 

Then a few months back, I'm not sure what possessed me or how it started, but I began encouraging him to just let it out.  Really, I don't know what prompted it, but I would cajole and encourage and tell him it was totally ok.  And my memory doesn't serve here either, but one of us let one rip and it was ok, not totally permissible, but ok.  No one died.  (Neither from odor nor from embarrassment) but it was still a slow road to acceptability.

And then a few weeks (or months) later we both became like 4th grade boys and now it's no-holds-barred around here.  Mind you this is when it's just the two of us, not when others are around, but we laud one another for a particularly odiferous toot or for one that is noisier than most.  We cheer and laugh and give props.  It's really comical. 

I work with lots of older and elderly folks who fart without qualms and it's always a bit odd that they are so free in their flatulence and I am sure there will come a day when neither R nor I is amused any longer, but for now we just laugh.  We also have those moments when the smell is so potent that we wish we had never begun this journey of flatulential (that's my word!) freedom. I'm not sure I'll ever forget the night we went shopping and he was on one aisle and I on another and I walked around the corner and was stopped dead in my tracks and could only proclaim, "Whoa, was that you?" Or when I returned the favor and failed to warn him as he approached me in a different store in a different aisle after a particularly gnarly wind. 

R's a bit more dramatic than I am and he says that was one that made your eyes water and ears bleed....I say it wasn't that bad.  But I was laughing too hard to actually inhale and smell it. 

There are other days when we are shooed out of rooms because the smell is unbearable and yet, despite the watery eyes and bleeding ears, we still just laugh....hysterically.

So begins our life-long journey of married life. 

Word to the not-so-wise

I say "to the not-so-wise" because my guess is that the wise would already have intuited this....

First a little background....I've mentioned before that I get migraines.  Fortunately, this year during Lent I prayed against the migraines and had a couple the first week and then only one killer migraine the week of our mission trip. But otherwise I have been headache free.  Now, it would be fair to say that someone gave me a couple of meds to try at the outset of trouble and I have used some of those...whether or not they would have turned into full fledged migraines is questionable. 

Another key detail is that last summer my doctor prescribed a migraine med along with some others (asthma etc) and when I went to fill the prescription the pharmacy said it would cost $75.  In addition to the$35 for the 3 others (at the time and under the circumstances) there was no way.  So despite my constant fight with migraines, I didn't get the prescription, I just stuck with over the counter medications and hoped for the best.  Well, in April (after the migraine from Hell in Mississippi) I had enough money for the medication and finally ordered it (only I had lost the script by then so my doctor had to call it in and only ordered me 3 pills....).

Ok, so fast forward to our plane ride home from our honeymoon time in Mexico.  We got on the plane and I was getting the beginning signs of a migraine and decided to take something. I debated between the med my friend had given me and the new prescription and went with the latter.

That was a really bad idea.  After about 10-15 minutes it kicked in and I was dizzy, had hot flashes, felt my chest constrict like there was a large person sitting on it, and had a heightened sensitivity for pain.  In case you're not asthmatic or have never had trouble (real trouble) breathing, let me just say that not being able to breathe might just be the scariest experience--EVER.  I began to cry as my body felt out of control and I struggled to breathe.  It wasn't the small straw breathing, but the weight on your chest breathing.  I was so scared I struggled to even tell R why I was crying (I think he thought it was still linked to the book I was reading which had caused me to cry earlier.).  I used both of my inhalers and could breathe, but still had the weight and the hot flashes and the dizziness (later when I ate and drank something it felt like my throat was super small). I looked for benadryl but did not find any.

I can't say that I would have gone to the hospital had I had that experience on the ground, but I will say that trying a new med while thousands of feet in the air is not a great plan. In fact it's a dumb idea.  I'm not sure why it didn't occur to me that I could have had trouble with it (probably b/c I have never had an allergic reaction to a medicine before) but it scared the you-know-what out of me. 

So here's my advice: never try a new medicine when you are in any remote location (be that in a plane, on a boat, in the woods, or simply in another country where you aren't guaranteed the medical attention you might need...). 

(Gratefully, once I was able to calm myself down and convince myself that even though it was tough to breathe I wasn't going to suffocate I relaxed more and later the side effects began to fade....though I did have the shakes in the middle of the night when I got home...I assumed once the med was finally through my system....)

Leadership choices

This year we had a number of changes in leadership.  And by "a number" I mean the chair of EVERY major committee changed.  In some ways that was really stupid on my part.  Training all new leadership requires a fair amount of time and energy (not that it's not worth it) and that extra time should be allotted for.  In comparing (sometimes helpful sometimes not) the different folks from the two years, I have a couple of observations I offer for what they are worth:

• when you choose people for the personnel committee, they have to be willing and able to handle conflict with tact.  They need to be not only nice people who care about others, but also people willing to confront someone when they are not doing their job in all the ways they are required to.  People who run from conflict will not get the job done.  As a note, there are many (most?) people who hate conflict. Not many (healthy/stable) people run toward it, but the person who dislikes it is different from the person who refuses to engage it.
• when you choose the person who will lead the meetings, choose someone who can stay on task and get to the point (this might be a personal preference b/c I am task oriented and like getting the job done, but really who likes being in a meeting that lasts 2 hours when it should only take 30 minutes just so everyone can share a story?!?!) 
• The people on finance committee should be willing to ask hard questions (repeatedly if necessary) in order to clean things up (supposing they are messy), and should be committed to faithful stewardship personally and corporately, they should also be willing to do fundraising (and able to encourage and empower others to do fundraising).  
• Some people will require more training than others.  Their need for additional instruction is not a testament to how well they will do as a leader, only that they have received less instruction along the way. 
• Sometimes giving people a fresh start and not asking too many questions about their past is helpful, it can offer a new (grace-filled) opportunity where they don't have to fight an uphill battle just to get started. It can also be problematic if (negative) past behaviors are sure to re-present themselves.  

I'll leave it at that for now.  Feel free to add your own. 

What's in a name?

So in 12 days I will be a married woman. It's a bit of a crazy thought to think I will be married next week. That's nuts. I realize we've been on the marriage train officially for a year this week, but somehow in the timeline of my life, it never seemed like it would be this close.  

Surprisingly (?!?!) I am not anxious or worried or any of those things. Last week my mind finally had freedom after I finished the concert, my brain kicked into high gear about all the things that still need to be done for the wedding and I hit super stressed and mildly cranky.  It's all detail work at this point and if nothing else happens, the wedding will still go on.  We will be married and there will still be a party and we will still leave for a honeymoon in Mexico(provided the passport glitches get worked out this week....if not, we're going somewhere.  Period.) 

But this week I passed out of cranky and into super excited. I'm getting married next week!!!  Period.  =)

But there's this other reality that I am having trouble wrapping my head around is that I will be changing my name.  That's not a huge deal to me in and of itself, (not yet anyway), the stranger part is thinking of what that title means to people.  I mean "Mrs. Sperry" will be me. I will be "Mrs. Sperry."  But my mother in law (*to be) is Mrs Sperry; and I am not her.  And, for that matter, my new sister in law to be is also Mrs. Sperry.  I'm not her either.  So, to take on that name in some way merges my identity with theirs and I'm not quite sure what it means to be a Sperry and not a Camphouse.  Not that I'm not a Camphouse, I'll always be one of them, but you know, I won't be known as a Camphouse.  And then you could argue that I could use my title to distinguish myself from the other Sperry women.  I could be known as "Rev. Sperry" or "Pastor Sperry" and in that way have my own identity. But you'd be wrong again. Because "Rev. Sperry" was R's dad.  (Was because he passed away over 2 years ago now....) but he was the Pastor Sperry who was well known.  Oh yeah, and R is clergy (though he doesn't use the title) but that's his title too.  So, being "Rev. Sperry" won't feel like an identity of my own either.  

I'm not saying it's good or bad either way. I'm trying to say it's new and different and I'm not quite sure how to process it fully yet.  It's bizarre to have created an identity and reputation for myself and with just 4 simple signatures (mine, R's, the pastor's, and a witness') all of that will change. 

A new stage in church life

Yesterday I mentioned my time with the girls. I am deeply blessed that the girls love to come and sit with me and join me in leading worship. My hope is that it makes them feel more and more comfortable themselves, that as they grow up they will move from sitting in my lap to lighting the candles, to reading scripture, to leading prayer, or teaching Bible study, or going on missions. I hope that their comfortability in church lays a firm foundation for their future discipleship.

One little one has already progressed from lap sitting to candle lighting and yesterday I witnessed a new stage: she's learned to read, so now she can read the words on the screen and sing along.  At times when I am able, I've tried to prompt the kids with the words to a song so they can sing too, but it doesn't work all that well. But I can tell you that my heart was overwhelmingly full as I sat next to this young girl (I think she's 6 now) and listened to her sing the words she could read for herself.  

I could just feel the empowerment. She didn't need to rely on someone else to include her in worship, she was finally able to join for herself and it was really cool.  Reflecting on it, it makes me grateful that we are a church that is dedicated to education, not just of the Bible, but in general, that we want people to be able to read the word of God for themselves and to be empowered...they cease being dependent on someone else (who may or may not have their best interest in mind) and can go seek God (and God's word and our worship) all on their own.

It was truly amazing. Simple. But profound.

Breathe

Well, let’s just say the last month or so has been insane.  I did the planning and preparation for our trip to Mississippi. I collaborated with 2 other planners, but was responsible for 23 of the group (paperwork, money, scholarships, etc).  we made it safely to Mississippi and had an amazing time.  We were at a different camp in a different city this year. Our projects were varied (as is normal), but, as usual, it was life-changing (particularly for the first-time missioners). 

It was also pretty revealing to me about some of the greater things I need to work on in regard to leadership.  Yet, even in that hard learning, I am also able to use what we did there for practical teaching within the church, which is always awesome. 

At the end of the trip, I got the worst migraine I’ve had in nearly a year and wanted to just die. I also managed to get some sort of stomach bug and ended up sick Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday and then still just zapped of all energy the next couple of days.  So, I tried to lay low (or as low as possible) and then slowly got back into the swing of things.  Only trouble was a week of mission plus company left me with about 13 loads of laundry!!!  I think I’ve mentioned it before, but I am not a big fan of laundry. I don’t mind the washing part…you know because the machine does that work. It’s the folding and putting away that kills me.  But, I survived.

In the midst of all that, there was still work to be done, a wedding to plan, and a concert to work on.  So there wasn’t a true break, just the best break I could imagine being sick in the middle of the busiest time ever. 

I keep trying to grasp for a break or a breathe or something, but I still keep grasping. There’s an occasional glimpse, but still plenty to do, so I keep on going.  I am fairly certain that somewhere there is an end to this crazy roller coaster ride I got myself on! 

Now we are one week away from the concert and are working our tails off to sell as many tickets as we can.  I’ve also chronicled some of the obstaclesand problems we’ve encountered and it’s hard to believe we are finally there.  Whether there’s 20 people or 2000 people, the bands are paid and will put on a concert.  We’d love to have 2500-3000 people because we’d reach our goal of sponsoring a whole house for someone still living in a FEMA trailer! That would be awesome. And God would totally get the credit because with all the obstacles we’ve faced, and the size of a church we are, there’s no way we could have done it without God.  So, we’re praying, and fliering, and praying, and hoping, and finalizing details, and praying that all will work out well. 

If you live near the IE or want to travel to Riverside for a very cool charity concert, click here or here or more info!

Cherished Moments

Yesterday was "Family Camp Sunday" where we wear our jeans and camp shirts and come to church "camp style". We worshiped in the fellowship hall instead of the sanctuary and sang camp songs and had more foibles than a normal Sunday, and it was all part of the experience.

Part of the joy of being a family is the presence of all the generations, young and old and everything in between.  At family camp we invite the youth to come up and do motions and help lead worship, and the same was true yesterday.  Nevermind the fact that I am the most outgoing 'youth' up there, they were there, dancing and jumping and doing the motions. And the little ones came up and held my hands and jumped and danced and laughed and smiled through those songs.  

And when we sat in between, they would sit really close and snuggle in as they sat with me. 

Then, when I went up to preach, one came up and held tight for some extra TLC, and then another saw she was up there and she too came up. Now, I know for some this is distracting and difficult. It causes them to lose their focus or feel disrupted or disrespected, but I love it. I love that the kids feel so comfortable with me and the church body that they can just walk right up when they are ready to, when they want a hug or a cuddle.  The only complicating factor was that the lapel mic wasn't working so I had to switch hands to hold the mic and hold the girls, but it was fun.  I was happy to have them there.  I want them to feel free to be themselves in worship. I relish in those moments.  

Then their parents felt uncomfortable, embarrassed even, so the girls were called back to their seats and I kept on preaching.  But it was good. They were good moments and I am grateful for them!

Do you ever just want to throw down?

(“throw down” means fight…I’m guessing it alludes to throwing down your gloves or something, but I can’t tell you for sure)

So, there have been an inordinate number of problems and conflicts at the church lately. As is usually the case with church business, I can’t detail most of it here, but let’s just say it’s been way too much at once. I have been overwhelmed and often feel totally ill-equipped to do the job I do. There have been personality issues, staff issues, moral issues, and more. 

But one of the things that has been particularly striking to me is how being so tired and frustrated has led me to want to just lay down the law and fight. (I need to say here I’m not a fighter. I’ve never been in a fight. I have never thrown a punch. I’ve never even been hit. I was only challenged once in High school and that was because I called someone out as lazy and ridiculous in class and she was not thrilled (go figure) and she came after me after class. I let her throw her insults and threats, looked around and saw my friends had left me, but I stood my ground, and she walked away…no fight. ) and when I say here that I want to fight, it’s typically not a physical fight I’m ready for. I’m much quicker with words. 

When people act out or act a fool and seriously disrupt things, my desire is to tear them apart with words. I have been tempted to put folks in their place. Now, I know this isn’t the normal type of confession you’d expect from a pastor, but it’s the reality of how I’ve felt.

Now, fortunately, I have had enough sense not to say anything. I’m typically pretty good at diplomacy. But I need to say it has taken extra concentration and patience lately. I have not wanted to be super nice with my words. I’ve wanted to be straightforward and blunt. Not p.c. or nice.

Gratefully, I held my tongue, and in doing so, I encountered greater wisdom about how to handle some very difficult situations and things are better in many areas. (Others still need the right words and I’m getting there with caution and patience). 

So, here’s looking forward to more days of non-violence (both with word and with deed).

Leadership reflection

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about wanting folks to change, but feeling inept in helping them do it.  Then my brother commented that he had learned from a speaker that if you are going to ask someone else to change, that you should change one thing about yourself first and reflect on what it took to get you from point A to point B.  To be honest, when he said it, I thought to myself, “I don’t know what I need to change.”  Really. I thought about it a fair amount and couldn’t come up with anything specific that really needed to change (particularly in regard to my ministry).

Well, this week I was away on mission in Mississippi and it was apparently my time for seeing myself a little more clearly.  There is something about being away from home, distanced from the “right now” needs of my congregation that allows me to see things a bit more clearly.

My first dose of self-reflection came on day 1 on the job  site.  I had been asked to join the dry wall team by my former head of trustees.  He’s done SOOO much to help me at the church and the parsonage, and is an all around good guy (so good we consider he and his wife like family) that I could hardly say no.  So I went.  I spent a fair amount of the day teaching the other women (none of whom had “mudded” before) how to do the different parts of the job. 

Now, if you’ve never mudded drywall before, you should know that corners are the hardest part.  To do them really well (at least how I was taught) you should only do them once (verses regular joints that require 3-4 layers of mud).  They require a certain level of finesse. Knowing that they are hard, I was slightly reluctant to teach the newbies and would have preferred to just do it myself, but instead I decided to teach.  I tried to teach the first woman and was not terribly successful.  I wasn’t explaining it well and kept trying to correct her technique but managed only to make her very self-conscious, so she gave up the job.  I gave her friend the option, I said, “Do you want to try it, or do you want me to just do it.”  A willing learner, she said she’d try it.  From my mistakes with mudder #1 I decided to try a new teaching technique—hands on.  I had her hold the tool and then I held her hand to teach her the right amount of pressure to apply.  She did a better job with it and stuck with it.  Now, I’m not sure if she had a “knack” for it, or if the different teaching technique made that much of a difference, but they were able to continue with their work in the bathroom. 

Now, in that time I saw how quickly I was ready to reassign them to a different job and just do the harder portions myself.  I was willing to teach, but only if they were quick to pick it up. Now, that wasn’t my conscious thought about it, but rather what I saw in retrospect.  (Remember, hindsight is 20/20).  And I was disturbed by what I saw.  I tend to think of myself as a patient teacher, but could easily see how I do much the same thing in other instances at the church.  I’m willing to teach someone how to do a job, but if they don’t pick it up quickly, I just step in and handle it.  I could name specific instances here, but I would also be calling out particular staff or volunteers and that wouldn’t be fair, so I’ll keep the examples to myself. 

I get focused on getting the job done and don’t always have a good appreciation for the process.  In mission work, especially with inexperienced volunteers, you have to be more about the mission than the task.  That was part of our orientation Sunday night—you have a task (the job at hand) and a mission (healing hearts and homes) and the mission is the most important part of the work you will do.  While it may seem obvious, I’ve never thought about church (meaning on the church campus and the daily affairs of church life) in those terms.  I focus on the task a lot, and I should be focusing on the mission more: making disciples of Jesus Christ—it’s not just about offering a good class or quality program or amazing worship, but it is also important to utilize the process and focus on the mission. 

I am by no means fully reformed, but I do think I did a better job on Day #2 when I took some folks back to camp in the afternoon to work on a different job.  We were asked to build a hanging rack for the yard tools (rakes, shovels, brooms, etc).  We were given a basic design, which we had to modify, and got to work.  We needed to use a chop saw, a skil saw, and a nail gun to finish the job.  I know how to use the nail gun and the chop saw, and one of the other women knew how to use the skil saw (sort of) and I easily could have just made the cuts and done the nailing, but I was able to step back (thanks to day #1 of learning) and see that teaching them to use each tool and giving them that experience was just as important (if not more so) than accomplishing the task.  So I made sure each woman had a chance to use the nail gun and the chop saw as we did our project.  I also made sure that we worked together on planning the project.  So we brain stormed through each of the modifications to make sure we were thinking through each of the possibilities to have the best possible outcome. 

And, the end result was, everyone learned a new skill, contributed to the project, and…

Here’s the finished product!

Feeling inept

I'm good at things.  I'm good at a lot of things actually.  I'm a fairly competent person and those things I don't know how to do, I can typically learn.  (or I just avoid them so no one will actually realize the limits of my abilities.) But these last couple of weeks at work have left me feeling inept--not completely, just partially. 

I am struggling with how to articulate new concepts to "old dogs".  I am really struggling with knowing I need/want someone(s) to do something differently, but have no idea how to teach them how to do it differently.  I just want them to know already!!!  

I feel like I'm hitting my head against a wall and not making progress, like I've maxed out my abilities and should simply move on.  I know that's not how it works. I know that's not how I will grow.  I know that the only way I will ever know how to deal with such things is to learn how to deal with them now.  It just seems like the bell curve got awfully steep again.  

Strike that, I don't think there is anything resembling a bell curve for me, maybe more like mesa flats...

crazy steep ascent...fairly banal long walk across the top to lull you into thinking you're good, and then an easy high speed drop back to the bottom that convinces you are invincible and can do anything...

...until, of course, you come face to face with the next sheer climb straight up.

Yep, that sounds more like it. No bell curves for me..just mesa flats!

Practicing balance

So, now that I've written about how hard it is to maintain the balance, I will attempt to do it. I have a fax to send a couple of emails to send and  a fax to send, and then the plan is to take the rest of the day to restore balance to my soul.  These last few weeks have been extra full and have not allowed for my regular sabbath practices. So I am tired. I've been more emotional, more edgy, and much less patient and it's time for there to be some balance again.  R did a TON of work at the house yesterday. He cleaned, did laundry, washed dishes, and put stuff away, which will help me be able to simply relax and not worry about doing all of those things myself.

We bought extra plants for the garden yesterday since some seeds aren't sprouting, so I'm going to plant those. I hope to journal (and maybe blog) some more.  

I mean even brave the threshold of the quilting room and try and get some things done in there too.  

That is, of course, hoping there are not hospital calls...