Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Almost 27

It's like being almost ancient. I know, not in a real sense, and no, I'm not calling any readers over 27 ancient. But 27 was the number I chose as "favorite" as a pre-teen and now it's right around the bend. 27 was light years away. It was so far in the distance I couldn't even really imagine what it or I would look like. Now, don't get me wrong, I did have hopes and dreams, things I figured would have happened. I think sometime in junior high school I decided I should be married by 23--who knows what in my adolescent wisdom actually guided me toward 23, but there it is. (apparently stuck in la-la land I also thought I'd have a size 3 waist...definitely not a reality, oh yeah, and by the way, I don't think I was EVER actually a size 3--simply skipped over that desirable size). And seeing as how I should have been married for almost 4 years now, I surely would have had a kid or two to show for myself too. No wedding. No kids. Heck, not even prospects on the horizon these days. It makes me feel so unaccomplished. I know, my life, my worth, my self, should not be about being married or about having kids, but that's what was (and still is to some degree) important to me, so bear with me in these musings, or simply switch to someone else's blog's your prerogative, really.

It's funny what life hands you and how it proves you wrong in your naivety. I used to think my values were being a wife and mother--indeed, my life's purpose. I thought those were the things that God had set before me. Yet here I am, as single as they come. No wedding bells in my near future (or even foreseeable for that matter), just those taunting numbers: 2-7, oh yeah, and
living the life and following the vocation I believe God actually has for me.

I had no idea of the woman I'd become--the one I'm still becoming. I still have no clue what she'll turn out to be. What will these next 15 years hold? Will my desired future be fulfilled or yet another perceived wash? What will I have achieved? Where will I have been? Will it surpass even my imagination as the last 15 years have my childhood notions of the good life?

I'm certainly too young to be feeling old, but man, 27 is seriously almost ancient. And while I laugh at those who dread 30, the thought of still being a single woman at 30 pretty much makes me feel like an old maid. I know, it's crazy. really, I get that I'm mildly neurotic, but man, 30?

I know this is all quite random and if you're just joining my blog, welcome! and just for the record, you might want to browse a little for a more normative look at what spills from my lips. If you've been around awhile or know me personally, this strangeness will sadly not seem strange at all.

In many ways (so many I probably shouldn't enumerate them here) I am glad I didn't get married young/early whatever. In large part because looking back on my dating selections, it's best that I didn't even come close to marriage. Trust me. But I'm also glad I didn't get married early because I've been free to do what I want, move where I want, travel when and how I want, in a sense be selfish to go, do, and see without worrying about how it will affect my significant other. And it's that *freedom* that has allowed me to visit 13 countries, to see Damascus, to road trip through Portugal and Spain, to walk the Via Dolorosa, to climb Mount Sinai at o'dark thirty so I could watch the sunrise, to swim in the dead sea, to float in the icy cold water of the Mediterranean, to tour Havanna Cuba with locals, to make tortillas over a fire in Honduras, to share a meal with workers from a maquiladora, to acquire a *boyfriend* in every country I've visited, to meet amazing people, try all different kinds of food and drink, and so much more.

If my life were what I thought it would or should be it wouldn't be what it is. I know, that's pretty obvious, but seriously, if I were married, I may not have made it to half of those places. If I had kids I couldn't just up and leave and fly to NYC or Atlanta or plan trips to Peru, India, or England. I may not be the woman I thought I'd be. I may not have achieved the things I thought I should have, but I am contented with the woman I have become (albeit " riddled through with flaws"--thank you SP for the words) and I wouldn't trade my experiences for the world. (I wouldn't even trade them for the aforementioned husband!)

To underscore what I would have missed, here are a few shots:

Dome of the Rock, Jerusalem, Israel

Palmyra, Syria

Petra, Jordan


chai said...

when is the big day?

Deb said...

for months actually, which makes my dread even more ironic, I think!

Meredith said...

Deb! I love what you say here. I turned 28 last Friday, and I feel like Sally (as in "When Harry Met ..."). "But I'm gonna be 40!" "When? In like 8 years!" I thought about all the things that were possible when I graduated from college, all the things I could choose to be and do. And now that I've chosen some of those things, it means I didn't choose some other things. I miss the aray of possibility.

But as you say: "If my life were what I thought it would or should be it wouldn't be what it is." I actually preached on this idea this morning. Peter had a plan for what the church was and wasn't, but the Holy Spirit had other ideas.

The Holy Spirit will lead us, and we just don't know what our lives will be like because of it.