Growing up, my dad used to watch a lot of National Geographic shows. I remember one that was on African monkeys. One of the ways locals would catch them is to put a chunk of salt in a hole. The monkey could get it's hand in the hole, but once it had grabbed the salt and made a fist, it couldn't get it's hand back out. Wanting to leave, but not without the salt, it would be stuck, unwilling to let go.
Lately, I feel a lot like that monkey. There are things I want (stronger leadership, better preaching, team ministries, more outreach, inspired worship, etc, etc, etc) and in some ways, I have my hand around them. I've grabbed hold to (at least) pieces of them, except, now my hand is stuck. I can't *keep going* with all there is to do, because I'm unwilling to let go of *the prize*.
I'm back to working long, intense days without much break. I'm back to feeling continuously stressed and overwhelmed by all there is to do. There's not just church things, but also a house to clean, dishes to do, a kitchen to paint, 2 quilts to make, etc. Oh yeah, and relationships--friends to call back, dogs to walk, and sanity to maintain. Maybe I feel more like an octopus with lots of hands clutching lots of rocks and indignantly I refuse to simply let go.
I know, "you can't do it all", but whatever. I've never been very good with that one. I like to do it all, do it all well, and do it all without help. My indignant independence might be my biggest vice. Just maybe.
So, the question becomes, which *rock* do I let go of? Or do I have to let go of all of them?
Did I mention, I really do not want to let go of them?!?!
Here I am. A stuck monkey.