Life at 100 MPH and pastor's guilt

I missed church yesterday.  I wasn't feeling great Saturday (but thought it was probably because I had walked 7.5 miles in the wee hours of the morning as part of our Jericho Walk--a walk around our city block we had been doing all week...we did once around the other 6 days and 7 times around yesterday as we prayed for schools, churches, homes, businesses, and the general welfare of the people and the community) but then I woke up yesterday feeling cruddy. I was pushing through finishing my sermon and continued to feel worse and worse. I went and asked R what he thought (still sleeping, he just shrugged), so I called home.  My dad answered and I told him my dilemma and he said I should stay home.  I hesitated because I didn't feel like I was dying or anything, I could have made it through service but also knew that if I went there was a possibility I could get others sick or get worse myself.  But I decided to follow his advice and stay home. So, I started making calls.  Called someone who could easily lead an impromptu service, called my SPRC chair so he would know, called the music folks to give them a heads up, called the appointment I had to cancel, etc.  

And I stayed in bed.  I cannot tell you the level of guilt involved with missing Sunday service.  It's not healthy.  I know perfectly well they can go on without me and be just fine. It's not that I think I'm that important that they'd have to cancel church if I weren't there.  But it just doesn't seem right missing Sunday worship.  I didn't run to Disneyland and I wasn't feigning sick. The needs and concerns were legitimate, but man, it was tough.  I prayed for them as I marked time and I also got a good bit of work done as I lay in bed unable to sleep.  But even today I feel guilty. 

After all was said and done, the impromptu worship leader sent me an email reporting back what had happened and what some of the prayer concerns were etc and in one she told me that a man (whom I love dearly and who has special needs and has been in the hospital out of town with problems for weeks now) still needs prayers and that he feels like I have forgotten him.  Boy howdy did that cut right to my heart.  

Talk about guilt. It's not that I haven't wanted to make the 20 mile drive out there.  It's not that I wasn't on my way one day when his wife called and said it wasn't a good day to go.  And despite the fact that this is our "sabbath month" it's not like I haven't done anything.  So, as I tried to figure out if I really was busy or if I was just a bad pastor I did a run down on what has been happening all month such that I haven't made it out there:

• Summer camp (which I dean and write curriculum for)
• the biggest funeral in the history of my church (also a close friend of ours)
• lots of pastoral care for the family of the deceased
• a TON of administration--trying to get organized, trying to plan for the next year and a half of ministry
• tons of pastoral care in general
• two folks with MAJOR back surgery
• a husband who is sick and various tests for him (problem still undiagnosed)
• a 3 day mini vacation to maintain my sanity
• mission planning 
• life

that's about it, as far as the big stuff goes.  It doesn't seem like much in print, but it was time consuming.  Good ministry that didn't allow much for me taking 2 hours to run out of town for a visit.  I've done it at other times for other people, so it's not that I won't do it, just that life hasn't allowed for that right now.  

But as I look at that list, I see how much has gone on during the "easy" sabbath month. It's a lot.  There hasn't been much that was easy.  And I see how busy life is, how fast life is, how much is going on.  

Last Friday I took sabbath.  Really took sabbath.  I didn't eek in any calls (maybe one or two emails...) and I didn't work with R to help him out. I stayed home. And I just laid on the couch and tried to listen to my soul. I tried to listen for what I really wanted/needed to do that day--that's what I used to do, just wake up on sabbath and feel for what I wanted to do that day.  And that laying there, just listening was hard. I had a 100 things pop into my mind that I could do, but all of them were about productivity of one sort or another and so I had to silence them. I needed to not be productive for a day.  I needed to not be worried about efficiency or output or any of those work-like things.  I needed to rest.  So I did.  I curled up on the couch and slept until lunch and then spent the rest of the day relaxing and lounging with my husband.  

Ministry is a complicated and busy job.  Much more than the "easy Sundays" people assume.  It is also a job that requires a solid reality check...you can only do so much.  You should only do so much.  Some times folks won't get a visit. Sometimes you will have to let someone down.  Sometimes you won't be enough. Sometimes you will fail.  And that's ok. It's all part of the job (the successes and the "failures").  Take time to breathe anyway.  You need your rest.  You need to stop and slow down enough to hear your soul (and to silence that incessant impulse to always do something).  

Organic worship

We are in a process of visioning for the future at my church (a serious change from the week to week or maybe month to month mode of operation we have currently).

At annual conference I had an epiphany of what the "vision" might look like.  Some of the things I listed were:

Biblically literate members

Faithful stewardship

(of both private and corporate resources; as well as ministries sustained by tithing not fundraisers)

Worship music diversity

College ministry

Organic worship experiences

Passionate about prayer

Local mission

Global mission project (school, orphanage, hospital)

Music in worship that attracts quality musicians

New worship service

A justice ministry that addresses an institutional issue (immigration, homelessness, human trafficking, domestic violence, substance abuse, etc)

When my church council reviewed the list, multiple people asked me what "organic worship" meant. I tried to define it, but struggled a bit.  But last week I had clarity (in words) about what I meant.  What I mean by organic worship is worship that is planned and centered around the scripture/theme of the worship service, rather than simply plugged into the routine order of worship.  

 I like good liturgy and I appreciate an order of worship and even appreciate a predictability to worship so that it is comfortable and helps me feel at ease in another church. I also appreciate variance so that we don't get so stuck that anything "new" or "different" is vigilantly rejected.  I also like that variance allows me to feel comfortable in a variety of different churches with different styles of worship and I am not limited to just those denominations and churches that worship like me.

I would love for us to be able to have organic worship at my church.  It takes a good deal more thought and planning, but is so much more meaningful and impactful!  But, I have a feeling that such a switch would bring about some serious revolt from the pews. I know that's not a reason to give up the idea all together.  But it is a reason to proceed with caution.  I am not a "switch it for what's best and they'll get over it" kind of pastor.  I am the type who likes to go one step at a time, with a big step outside the box every once in awhile to warm people up to new ideas and ways of doing church.  I want people to be on board and supportive, not feeling isolated, rejected, and forgotten as the "church moves on without [them]". 

Quote of the day

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." The above speech by Nelson Mandela was originally written by Marianne Williamson who is the author of other similar material.

Care for your marriage

I'm continuing to read in The Church Leaders' Answer Book and read this morning about fostering a healthy marriage.  They had check in questions that go beyond the basics.  I'm not sure why exactly they are so different for husbands and wives, but they are...

Men to women:

• Are there ever times when you feel afraid of me?
• Is there anything that makes you feel disappointed in me?
• Do you feel angry with me in ways that are significantly hurting our relationship?
• Do I know how to connect with you on a deep level?
• Do you believe that I understand who you really are as a woman?
• Do you feel relaxed in the safety of my strength?  Are you able to be yourself with me?
• Do you see me pursuing God with truth and urgency?
• Do I give more of my attention and energy to others than I do to you?
• Have I done anything this week that has closed your spirit toward me?
• What is the one topic we have never discussed?

Women to men: 

• Do you feel that I deeply believe in you?
• Do I show honor and respect to you in public and at home?
• Do I initiate physical intimacy enough to prove my attraction to you?
• Are you convinced of my admiration of you?
• Do I make you feel like my hero?
• Have I told you often enough how much I find you physically attractive?
• Have I done anything this week that has closed your spirit to me?
• Are you aware of how much I pray for you?

If you know me, I don't like strict gender roles (and it also doesn't help that this book is written as if men are the only pastors out there....) so I'm inclined to mix and match the questions to what is most relevant and I think it's just as important for women to place their husband first as it is for men to place their wife first and for women to know their spouse is attracted to them as it is for men, and for each to know the other admires and respects them.  AND for a wife to know how much her husband prays for her...why that question is one sided, I will never know....

A checkup for Change

I was reading through sections of The Church Leader's Answer Book today and found this section helpful. We are in the midst of visioning and planning for our future and I found the section on fostering spiritual health during a time of change helpful (pp 136-137).  Here is their "check up for change".  They say, "as you go through a time of change, have a health and wellness checklist for your leaders to use each time they meett.  You might begin with these:"

1) are we praying faithfully, asking the Lord to reveal spiritual diseases and injuries that might spread in teh congregation during this time of change?

2) are we as leaders pursuing "peace...and holiness" during this time (Hebrews 12:14)? Are we avoiding anyone's gripes or hurt because we'd rather not face those issues?  Do wee need to address a brooding conflict between people?

3) what are the main concerns of those who are not enthusiastic about the change we're going through?  Have we talked with them?  have we prayed about these concerns in case the Lord shares this point of view?

4) Where is the Holy Spirit moving in our congregation this month?  Is there anything more we should do to guide people?  How shall we commend the congregation for evidences of grace and faith?

5) Where do we see sin or Satan gaining the upper hand?  Is a failure to pursue peace and holiness blocking God's grace, or is a poisonous attitude taking root among us (Hebrews 12:14-15)?  How should we address this?

Amish Grace

I've started reading Amish Grace the story of the massacre of the 5 Amish school girls in 2006.  As the title indicates, the book is less about the shooting and more abou the grace filled response of the Amish.  It has an interesting chapter on forgiveness where the Amish acts of forgiveness are highlighted and underscored.  Included are some of the crituques of that same forgiveness--people that felt the forgiveness approach was too soft, that it lacked justice.  

As I continued reading, I was better able to sift through my thoughts.  Forgiveness and justice are two different things.  Forgiveness, typically, affects the offended party most dramatically. It may affect the relationship with the offender, but it may not. More deeply though i will affect the heart of the offended.  

It's a hard case to evaluate fully as Roberts, the shooter, also shot himself--so we can't see how the forgiveness might affect him.  Though the Amish may not have pressed charges were he alive, the local DA likely would have. The thing to remember is that forgiveness does not deny justice. It denies retaliation.  There's a difference.  I don't think the Amish response would have impeded the court process, but I do think it would have tempered it--no call for the death penalty (after all a trademark of grace is that there is ALWAYS the possibility of redemption). And there likely would not have been a civil suit to follow seeking financial reparations (or even emotional ones for that matter as those too would have been included in the forgiveness offered).  

I do believe that the Amish response would have affected Robert in striking ways.  Forgiveness is healing and redemptive and to be truly touched by forgiveness after having committed a wrong can bring someone into true awareness of what they've done. And that can often bring about strong feelings of guilt and shame, but if further blessed by grace (as I am sure Roberts would have been in this situation) ultimately would have led to healing, repentance, and likely reconciliation.  It would have been powerful to witness and likely would have challenged the critics in impressive ways.

On occasion, our legal system, or at least the prison system still touts its original goals of restoration.  However, most, (if not all) of those with true awareness about the realities of prison will tell you it's all but restorative. There is very little that is redemptive inside those walls.  

Now, sadly, Roberts likely would have suffered great injury n prison, especially for having killed children, but if he could have been spared that--he might have come through the process in a more redemptive way.  Maybe that a bit too much idealism for what really transpires within the system, but hopefully you get my point--in a system bereft of most things restorative being held and attended to by Amish grace would have drastically changed the circumstances.

A wife's prayer

Dear God,

Please help me learn how to be a good wife.  Teach me to be compassionate, understanding, and selfless that I may love my husband as fully as you love him. Show me how I might love him better.  Help me to have thicker skin so that I am not so easily hurt without becoming numb or desensitized to the problems we face together.  Continue to knit us together as a team, Lord. Teach us how to be humble and reliant on you first and one another second.  Help us to be an example of your love and your covenant.  Bless our home. Protect us from injury, illness, and harm.  Show us the path you would have us walk together that we might more fully do your will.  In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

sermon prayer

Dear God, 

Help me to focus this morning, not on myself but on you O God that your Word will be proclaimed and that you would be glorified. Inspire me to write the sermon that your people need to hear.  Help me release my own agenda so that I might solely cling to yours. Make me your spokesperson. Make my words your words and your message my message.  In Jesus' name. Amen.

The Mean One

On more than one occasion, I have been told that people think I am mean.  Not that I am mean, not that they know me to be mean, but rather that they believe that I would be mean.  It's a perception.  

In many ways, it's not one I understand. I'm a fairly nice person--at least that's what they always used to write in my yearbooks.  And most people that actually know me love me, which may not preclude me from being mean, but I'd assume that if I were really mean people wouldn't love me as much.  But maybe I'm wrong on that note.

Anyway, to the point, I'm at summer camp deaning and yet again I have been told that people are afraid of me.  People, I assume, are intimidated.  Now, like I said, on the one hand, I don't understand it, but on the other one...I do.  

1) My friends used to think my dad was mean.  Not that they actually knew him, but his confident, quiet, presence was intimidating, they didn't know how to respond, and just assumed he was mad. But really, my dad is a super sweet teddy bear of a man.  He's not mean.  He's never lifted a hand, or even raised his voice to me.  (He's cleared his throat more than a few times, but that's a different story). So, I could make an associate and see how when I am in a leadership role and regularly reminding people of the rules and many of the campers don't get the chance to actually get to know me because I'm not in their cabin or a small group that they would assume I am mean.  

2)  Most of the women who have affected deep change in me along the way have been "mean."  They have been intimidating women who demanded excellence.  When I was under their tutelage, I was scared on more than one occasion.  But they were also the women I respected the most and who pushed me to be the best I could be and do the best work I could do (in as much as I could be pushed at those respective stages...).  And, in many ways, along my way to becoming who I am, I have aspired to be like them, so it's no wonder that I would be considered "mean" if that's the goal I was aspiring to reach!  =)

Now, having said all of that, I don't want to be considered mean.  I want to be accessible to the youth. I want them to know they can count on me. I want them to know that I love them and care about them.  

At camp, for many years, I have longed to be the popular one.  And then the other night when I mentioned it in prayer, God lovingly responded...I didn't call you to be the popular one.  I called you to be you.  

So, I guess that means the one perceived as mean, but who really loves people...this week I am practicing being me.

The Other Kind of Grief

Most of the time, we think of grief in terms of death.  But there are other forms of grief too.  We grieve all kinds of losses (both good and bad).  We grieve when there is a divorce, a breakup, the loss of a job, the loss of trust, the loss of physical or mental abilities.  We grieve unrealized dreams.  We also grieve good things, we may grieve when we get married because we are no longer single. Or we may grieve as new parents, lamenting the freedoms we once knew while celebrating the amazing miracle of new life.  We may grieve during a promotion because we don't have the same relationship with colleagues.  We grieve all the time--almost daily even, big and small things. (or at least we should take the time to grieve those things, otherwise they weigh on us and continue to hurt our hearts). 

I'm in one of those should grieve but haven't stages.  For the last 3 years I have had the privilege of working with my spiritual mentor, friend, and pastor GP as co-dean for summer camp.  By privilege, I mean immeasurable and indescribable blessing.  GP is an amazing pastor and he has taught me so much, and accompanied me through many difficult transitions in my life and in my ministry.  He told me last year, in confidence, that he would not be returning to camp this year because he would be moving to his home conference to be closer to his mother.  So, in a sense, I've had plenty of time to grieve.  Only, the part where it was "in confidence" really meant I couldn't talk about it with folks.  There was no last goodbye from the campers (nor from me either), there were none of those "lasts" (at least not in the marked and special sense) to help me tap my grief and gain closure over a soon-to-be deeply felt loss.

Well, in recent weeks, as the pressure has been on to get ready for camp, I have missed GP greatly.  Don't get me wrong, I have a great new co-dean with amazing gifts of his own who brings a whole new dynamic to camp--something to be cherished.  But, if you know much about grief, having one doesn't have much to do with not having the other.  No matter how much I enjoy or learn from the new co-dean, he's not GP, and that's the loss to be mourned.  But instead of allowing myself to feel deeply how much I appreciate GP, I have busied myself with all the work of preparing for camp.  On occasion, I have tried talking about my frustrations with folks, but it has not been to much avail.  Most have responded, yep, that's life, now move on and finish getting ready.  I understand their responses and I don't fault them for it. It's only that I've wanted to grieve. I've wanted to talk about all those things I miss and all the fears I have because I won't have my mentor there (after all, when there is a senior elder/mentor/pastor it takes a bit of the pressure off...he was the default guy, now I'm the default gal and I so don't feel ready for that burden responsibility).  It's lame in a sense, since I know I can do the job.  We've shared responsibilities for 3 years, I've done pretty much every aspect at one point or another. But then again, grief isn't logical.  Lame or not, that's how I feel. I liked our rhythms (which did take time to develop). I liked the way we leaned on each other and were able to fill whatever gaps needed filling.  I wasn't desiring such a major change.

The ironic part to me is that normally I tend to be an agent of change.  I tend to be the one to shake things up--intentionally and unintentionally. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm rocking the boat, it just works out that way.  So all of this feels like Karma.  A new dean. New expectations. New ideas.  New ways of doing things.  The new things are good.  I'm not knocking what's new.  It's just that I had gotten comfortable.  Apparently too comfortable.  It's one of those lessons where when I step back I go, oh yeah, I got so comfortable that I started leaning on my own skills (and those of others I knew) that I wasn't opening myself fully for God to do God's thing.  After all, when you don't need God, you don't seek God and when you don't seek God, you don't find God.  Not that God isn't there, only that it's hard to find something you aren't looking for.  I mean, for me, it's hard for me to find the new thing God is trying to do in me when I'm not needing to try any new things.  And so I get stuck in my ways and hardly change at all, until my co-dean is reappointed out from under my comfort zone and I get a whole slew of new things....

Sermon Prayer

Heavenly Lord,

please give me the message you would have me deliver. 

Please clarify for me what is happening in this passage 

and how it relates to us. 

Teach me O Lord.  

Empty me of my own agenda and my eisegesis.

  Fill me with your Spirit and your holy Word.  

Shine your light on my mind 

that I may truly understand your holy Word. 

Amen.

10 things

I work with a lot of people each and every week.  Sometimes in worship. Sometimes in meetings.  Sometimes in classes. Sometimes in counseling.  

One thing I have noticed is how hard it is for people to accept how beloved we are.  We can easily judge ourselves and one another.  We can easily write the laundry list of all those things we can't do or don't do well, but really struggle to write the list of what we do well.  

Self-esteem is an issue for a lot of people, particularly women (though I think the issue is equal for men, only that women are free to articulate that self-esteem is an issue).  One thing I have found myself doing more and more is encouraging people to name 10 good things about themselves.  I have them take a sheet of paper and number 1-10 and then write 10 good things about themselves.  

Surprisingly, everyone struggles. Some folks give one or two, others may make it to 5 or 6 and then almost without fail, they stop.  They don't know what else to put.  So, I throw out possibilities and tell them to choose those that seem relevant.  (intelligent, creative, honest, loyal, persevering, determined, helpful, kind, gracious, merciful, funny, thoughtful, helpful, empathetic, sympathetic, risk taker, joyful, faithful, etc).  

Then, typically, I have them number 11-20 and have them do it all over again. Most roll their eyes or groan and look at me like I am the meanest task master ever (which is ok since rumor has it that I am 40 times more demanding than my dad)  ;)  But they do it.  Resentful, but they do it.  

Then I have them number 21-30 and write down 10 things they are good at (it can be simple or profound). Laundry. dishes. gardening. cooking. photography. cleaning toilets. mowing the lawn. music. playing an instrument. reading. teaching. learning. biking. skiing. the list goes on.  

And then, 31-40.  10 experiences that have helped shaped them. Again this can be simple or profound.  This can be places you've traveled. Places you've lived.  Being the eldest/youngest/middle child.  Cultural heritage. The languages you speak. The schools you've attended.  Anything that has shaped you. Accidents. Illnesses. Awards. Anything that has made you into the person you are.  

Then if they are really lucky I might have them number another 5-10 and list physical attributes about themselves that they like. 

I want people to see how amazing they are.  What an incredible package God has helped make them to be.  I also want them to have all kinds of affirmations on the ready when those self-defeating and self-deprecating comments come to mind.  

So, give it a try.  If you're brave, do the whole set!

Spritual Authority

Today I was sharing with a friend and community organizer.  We talked about some of the issues we've been having at the church in the last few months and she mentioned my "spiritual authority" and asked if anyone in the church had similar authority.  I mentioned some prayer warriors and she explained that wasn't what she meant...she meant like in hierarchy or ranking that those who are higher have greater spiritual authority.  

I could follow what she was saying, but to be honest the language and idea is pretty foreign to me.  In all honesty, spiritual warfare and spiritual authority is not something that came up much in churches growing up.  It wasn't really until I was in ministry and working with my spiritual mentor that I began to touch on some of these things.  That's only been within the last 4 years.  

And while I'm good on some fronts, there are others that are very strange lands to me.  

After our discussion this friend prayed for me, something for which I am super grateful.  But I also walked away with a lot of questions.  Do I have greater authority in spiritual matters than others in my congregation?  I would say I have more training, more learning, and often more understanding about the Bible, or prayer, or theology, but power?  Do I have more power than another?  Does the DS or the Bishop have greater power still?  Would my prayers actually be more efficacious in matters pertaining to my church than someone else's?  If so, would the converse (or evil side) be true?  As in, would the consequences and repercussions for my sins be greater than those of another? (Not that I'm trying to sin, but I have a guilt complex as it is....)

I asked R what his thoughts are (he comes from a more charismatic tradition) and he said I absolutely have more authority at my church as it is a divine appointment--I'm not willy-nilly there (now, I believe God truly placed me here, but I have to admit that the skeptic in me has to wonder about ALL Methodist appointments...I know God uses us regardless, but I am not always convinced that each appointment is THE one God had in mind...)  And as such, I have full authority over my flock.  Not that they don't have responsibility in praying for the church and the church people, but that somehow I have more spiritual power.  Now, he doesn't agree that the DS or bishop have more spiritual authority than others--simply that they are pastors too and would have equal power.  And he definitely wasn't ready to jump on board that *Name* has full authority over all of Riverside county. 

To be honest, I don't know how to think about all of it.  Like I said, it's a new conversation for me.  I REALLY want to call my spiritual mentor and get his input and wisdom but he's taking a move this year and I don't want to disturb him, but I might have to send a note for "when there's time".  

I don't know, what are your thoughts?

Wedding tips

We did it! We are officially married!  (We even got the marriage certificate to prove it!)

Now, after 3 weeks of reflection, there are some things I'm super glad we did and others I wish we had done.  For what it's worth:

Glad we:

• Hired a quality photographer who did more than just the standard shots
• Did a photo guest book, putting a face with a name can be hard enough, let alone just trying to remember a person with no photo after years of marriage.
• Did pictures ahead of time.
• Had family and friends in for most of the week before the actual wedding, it was great to spend time with them!
• Took time out for extra fun stuff.  Going to an angels' game, definitely a good plan!

• Took crazy pictures on the trampoline...not many folks get to do that and it's something fun and memorable. 

• Took 2 full weeks off (well, I got to anyway, but we got to enjoy Mexico AND camp in the mountains)
• Wrote as many thank you notes as possible before the wedding. We were VERY blessed and have many notes to write. Knowing most of the "pre" gifts were acknowledged is super helpful. 
• Got the wedding band Grandma was insistent I have...I love it!
• Got to dance with the kids at the reception...those were my favorite memories as a child, I hope they are for them too. 
• Invited lots of people to join the celebration!
• Included family in the service (wedding party and liturgy)
• Designed our own liturgy and veered from the beaten path...I wasn't sure how I'd feel not using the traditional words, but I think it came out great!
• Took the time to take the family shots!
• had people who were diligent enough to tape cards to gifts so that they didn't get mixed up in the transport.

Wish we had: 

• blocked more time in advance for pictures--they took longer than I expected. 
• Planned a longer reception, I was amazed at how little time I had with people
• Had someone (not the professional) with one of our cameras to take pictures of us with folks in the receiving line. People with cameras took pictures, but I would have appreciated having pictures with the other folks too, and would really like to have been able to send folks those shots.
• Expressed some expectations more clearly, some folks weren't available for pictures when they needed to be or changed out of formal wear far too early for our expectations and hopes.
• Made better dinner plans for ourselves the night of the wedding, or gone ahead with room service even though it was pricey rather than R walking MILES to find Denny's and bring dinner back.
• More time to spend with the folks we invited
• Pictures of everyone that was there. Despite the picture guestbook, not everyone was photographed, I'm bummed about that.
• Asked (paid?) someone to take lots of candid and fun shots of all the guests at the reception. The photographer did a great job, but focused on us, not them and again I wish I had more pics of the folks who were there. 
• More words to express how grateful we are for all those who celebrated with us and make our day wonderful.
• Been able to actual try the food and eat something! (ok, so we got a 2 bites each, plus one bite of cake, that was it--at least my dad had warned me!)

**I'm sure there are more things, but this what I have in mind for now.

Financial Follow-up

Special thanks to Dr. Tony, Larry, and Jim who all responded to the "Is it Me, or....?" post.  Each of them asked good and healthy questions for any church leaders and I wanted to respond to those and then give an update.

1) The concert was not a fundraiser for the church. Instead it was a fundraiser for our mission work on the Gulf Coast--over and above what we spend to send people down there and apart from our general operating budget.  We do have various fundraisers throughout the year, but they are not to sustain the ministries of the church--that comes from regular stewardship and tithing, instead they go to new or special ministries.  (Though as a note, I would like for us to get to a place where our regular budget even covers "special" things).

2) The finance chair has been up on all the happenings.  The trouble was not inattention, but rather one month of pronounced shortfall. 

3) We are a 100% church, meaning we pay 100% of our apportionments each year.  This comes off the top and is a commitment our church has had for years, with many thanks to HS who led us in that faithful stewardship. 

4) We have a growing membership with new visitors each week.  That being said, with many new folks, they aren't always financially committed to the church, but begin with attendance.  We do do a regular stewardship campaign in the fall and encourage people to step up in giving each year.  

5) Ever since I began full time ministry, I have tithed 10% and above.  I believe that it grounds my faith journey and allows me to preach with integrity when it comes to tithing and stewardship.  

6)  Larry asked if we have integrity in our spending, I believe we do.  Since I arrived, we have been working to shore up our accounting and do the required audits.  We are faithful in that we do not spend more than we have, which is in many cases how we were able to stay in the black last year.  That said, while we are faithful in how we spend God's money, we are looking at doing some new and different things so that we might better be able to grow the church with a strong financial foundation undergirding our work.

Now, as an update.  I went to annual conference and spoke with a friend/colleague and she shared that when she got to her church they had a debt of $500,000---$250,000 owed to the contractor, over and above the mortgage, and $250,000 to the city.  When I heard that I thought, "I would have cried and walked away."  But then she went on to share how they negotiated some of the costs and paid it off.  Then, we heard from our guest pastor from Korea about how they had raised $10,000,000 then $5,000,000 then $25,000,000 in order to grow the church and expand facilities.  That pretty much just blows my mind. I know many churches have done and will do that, but it floors me.  

I was humbled to hear their stories.  Really, our $2000 seemed like the widows mite in comparison.  I was struck with the need to pray for God to cover our needs and for us/me to truly turn this fully over to God.  

Last week our secretary shared that we had received $1000 for the shortfall, this week I heard we had received another check for $1000.  Then I was handed a $2000 check from someone else.  She is relatively new to the church, but wanted to help too, so we applied some of that to the general budget to keep us a bit ahead of the curve and the rest to the concert shortfall.  

I was amazed and awed at how quickly God provided when I stopped stressing and simply handed it over.  I know it's simple and obvious, but money stuff makes me anxious and it was hard to just trust that it would be covered.  But God has deepened my faith and challenged me in my faithfulness.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!!!

Quote of the day

Today's quote makes me rethink the earlier post:

"You challenge me Debbie. It's one of the things I love about you, but you scare me."

(then we both laughed)

Is it me or....?

So, finance stuff has been tight (and tough) lately (at the church I mean).  We knew before the fiscal year started that we would need to make some major budget changes and that the way do money now, in the long haul, would not take us where we need to be.  So we brought in a new finance chair to help us make the changes that we need.  

I don't know if you've tried it or not, but overhauling the budget is not an easy process. It's messy and tedious and Loooooooong.  But we're working at it.  

Well, in the meantime, we've hit a shortfall.  I don't think it's because of anything specific (maybe it is...?) but I think it's more that the economy has finally caught up with us.  Last year we were relatively unaffected, but this year we've hit the red zone.  It's not huge and it's no where near where I know other churches have dipped to, but it is troublesome and worrisome and all that bad stuff, so we brought it to the light with the larger congregation and asked for some help to get caught up.

Then, sort of at the same time, we put on our big concert event (which we had hope to have at least 2000 for but were prepared for as many as 5000), except we only ended up with 500, which meant we didn't even break even.  So next to the plea for help with the regular budget, we have a request in the church newsletter to help pay off our loans that paid for the event (made by church members).  The event as a whole had gone really well and the things we had control over were smooth and great!  But it is hard to keep people seeing that when there is a financial shortfall.  

So, people are now talking (probably more like murmuring because I'm not hearing it....not directly anyway, not yet, but I have been on a honeymoon until yesterday...) and they are worried that the church is in financial trouble (and somehow when people hear that they freeze and don't want to give money because they think we'll plunder it or something...it's odd really...or maybe not so odd since that's what many of us think when someone asks us for cash...we fear they've already mismanaged their funds to get in the place they are and we don't want to "waste" money in such a way....)

Anyway, I spoke with a church leader today and he said "we need your help to get us out of this." and I thought, "good, at least they trust me to help with this." But I also couldn't help but wonder if it's my fault.  Is it my fault that I helped lead a committee into putting on a big event that was so big that maybe it caused us to fall?  Some interpreted the obstacles we hit along the way to the concert as God's warning to try and keep us from experiencing the "failure" of the concert; and yet others interpreted those same obstacles as the enemy trying to prevent an amazing event from happening in God's name.  Which is it?  Did I ignore God's warnings?  Or did I see the enemy at work and encourage (rightly?) for folks to keep doing what we felt called to do in faith?  and who is to blame?  or do we blame anyone?

What about the general shortfalls of the church....are those my fault?  Am I supposed to be doing something different?  I'm guessing they are not my fault...though maybe I should do something different...(and I'm guessing that if I let myself believe that they are and I were to be in a church that was $20,000 in the hole or $40,000 in the hole that I might hurt myself or quit the ministry...so I probably shouldn't play into that....) But regardless, I can't help but wonder how I'm (as a still pretty green pastor) supposed to help my church out of financial trials and I am wondering how God offers guidance and discernment in these areas.

Any thoughts? Or even educated guesses?

How am I doing now?

In January 2009 I learned that I would interview with the Board of Ordained Ministry to be ordained as an elder in full connection.  I wouldn't interview until March, but asked for prayers as soon as I got the notice.  

This was one of the responses:

Dear Sister Debbie,

You've got them! Thanks for giving us targets we can aim our prayers. [Wife] and I and our family do pray, telling God how thankful we are for sending you here. For a long time, we have wondered what was wrong with us. Now we are asking why are we so blessed. Thank you. We do have so many blessings to be grateful about. You are so young and we are so old. Still, you charge in and make us stretch ourselves and to keep pushing the limit further out. Thank you. I am especially impressed that the homeless in our community have begun to find us (well, many of us) to be welcoming and accepting of who they are. You know you have made some of us to remember and accept who we are and whose we are. Relax, Pastor, know that God hears all of our prayers, including yours and that the good work he has started at Wesley in you is a long way from finished. We know that you are good for us. I pray that  the growth you are inspiring in us will make us good for you. We are looking forward to attending your ordination. 

Joy to you my sister,

[Parishioner]
PS. I probably will never write to you like this again, but it does feel good.

 

I'm not sure what made me look for this email the other day, but I did and was touched by it again.  I was and am awed by such a thoughtful note from a cherished church member.  But in reading it Saturday, I had to ask myself if I was still really doing such a good job.  I don't think I'm doing a bad job, or even that I'm slacking, but in some ways I don't feel very prophetic.  

I don't feel like I'm challenging people as much any more.  I suppose if I were fair, I'd say that I am challenging people differently.  And, if I were REALLY fair, I'd say that people shouldn't be challenged all the time...that there should be some time to reflect and grow and be with God rather than always having to change.  In the beginning, I think I (and my ways) was so new and different that lots of things were challenging to the congregation, not because I meant them to be, but simply because I do things differently.  And during the 2nd 6 months that I was here, I preached for a couple months on "Stepping out in faith to show God's love" and on people in the Bible who had risked for the sake of their faith. I encouraged people to be in ministry in new and different ways.  This year, I have been more focused on developing leadership (a much more challenging prospect if I can say so....)  I've also been focused on some major staffing and administrative issues that have come up that have not allowed me as much time to be creative in the ways I preach or do things in the church.  

I don't know. I'm probably just rambling here.  I feel like I'm ready for the next thing in the church (well, maybe after I finish sorting out some of the administrative mess) but I don't know exactly what that would be.  I don't feel like I'm inspiring people or bringing about the growth I would like, but don't know what I should be doing differently.  I feel like I need a mentor again, someone to process with and guide me in some sort of concrete direction.  Or maybe I just need to listen and pray more and see where it is God wants me to go....

To do or not to do...

...that is the question. I'm the type of person who likes to be busy. I really don't do well being idle (even at parties thrown for me, I prefer to help and serve and clean up).  I find that I am more productive when there is more on my plate (not less).

Though you could probably say that for the last few months my plate has been a bit too full which has impeded the true quality of my work....hopefully that will shift now that the big things are over and I can fall into a "normal" (whatever that is) routine again at work.

Anyway, back to the point of the post....in being a busy person, I am generally quick to say yes to things (hence the over committed side of my life).  I also tend to be the type that is invited to do lots of things for lots of people.  Every time I turn around I am being asked to do something new.  Now, in many ways, it's flattering.  Really, it's nice to have a good reputation and for people to want me to help with their project (or board or committee or whatever). On the other hand, it seems like my name is just a good name to throw out there whenever they need a young pastor for a job or when they need someone ready to say yes.  

In other words, I get a lot of requests.  I am finally (it only took me four years in full time ministry) trying to be more discerning about where I say yes and where I say no.  

Though I have to be honest, in the last 3 weeks, I've been trying to discern one such decision and I have a leaning, but I'm not totally sure that it's true discernment and not just my gut. I think I need to go back to MEM's advice and actually write things down and use the Ignatius Method of Discernment. 

Recipe of the day

I got home and wanted to bake today. I have a pack of dates that were left by someone and wanted to find a recipe to use them, but instead I happened upon this one for cranberry orange bread...so I made it instead and it was wonderful.

Recipe of the day

We watched "It's Complicated" this weekend and despite the very questionable moral plot line, they had a scene where the female protagonist makes chocolate croissants...ever since I've been craving some. So I looked up recipes and found this one.  I wasn't sure about the Philo dough and it sounded like extra work, so I grabbed some handy dandy Pillsbury croissants and used chocolate kisses cut in half (they were EVERYWHERE post wedding...) and baked them up....and they were fabulous!!!  I might go with chocolate chips next time because I think they might melt faster, but either way they were definitely worth the very little effort it.

A couple of 4th grade boys

Note to reader: ***this might be my most juvenile and random post to date, that's my disclaimer. You've been warned.  This is not theological or reverent.  So, if that's what you're hoping for, I'd stop now.

In seminary, a friend of mine shared that on one of the first nights dating her (now) husband, she farted, loud and obvious, and he just took it in stride and they all laughed it off.  Her advice was always to find a man who you could fart in front of. 

I was not of the same mind.  I could follow the logic, but was never one to fart in front of folks...regardless of who they are.  Well then R entered the scene and my logic was only cemented.  There was no (semi) public farting.  Period.  It just didn't happen. 

Then a few months back, I'm not sure what possessed me or how it started, but I began encouraging him to just let it out.  Really, I don't know what prompted it, but I would cajole and encourage and tell him it was totally ok.  And my memory doesn't serve here either, but one of us let one rip and it was ok, not totally permissible, but ok.  No one died.  (Neither from odor nor from embarrassment) but it was still a slow road to acceptability.

And then a few weeks (or months) later we both became like 4th grade boys and now it's no-holds-barred around here.  Mind you this is when it's just the two of us, not when others are around, but we laud one another for a particularly odiferous toot or for one that is noisier than most.  We cheer and laugh and give props.  It's really comical. 

I work with lots of older and elderly folks who fart without qualms and it's always a bit odd that they are so free in their flatulence and I am sure there will come a day when neither R nor I is amused any longer, but for now we just laugh.  We also have those moments when the smell is so potent that we wish we had never begun this journey of flatulential (that's my word!) freedom. I'm not sure I'll ever forget the night we went shopping and he was on one aisle and I on another and I walked around the corner and was stopped dead in my tracks and could only proclaim, "Whoa, was that you?" Or when I returned the favor and failed to warn him as he approached me in a different store in a different aisle after a particularly gnarly wind. 

R's a bit more dramatic than I am and he says that was one that made your eyes water and ears bleed....I say it wasn't that bad.  But I was laughing too hard to actually inhale and smell it. 

There are other days when we are shooed out of rooms because the smell is unbearable and yet, despite the watery eyes and bleeding ears, we still just laugh....hysterically.

So begins our life-long journey of married life. 

Word to the not-so-wise

I say "to the not-so-wise" because my guess is that the wise would already have intuited this....

First a little background....I've mentioned before that I get migraines.  Fortunately, this year during Lent I prayed against the migraines and had a couple the first week and then only one killer migraine the week of our mission trip. But otherwise I have been headache free.  Now, it would be fair to say that someone gave me a couple of meds to try at the outset of trouble and I have used some of those...whether or not they would have turned into full fledged migraines is questionable. 

Another key detail is that last summer my doctor prescribed a migraine med along with some others (asthma etc) and when I went to fill the prescription the pharmacy said it would cost $75.  In addition to the$35 for the 3 others (at the time and under the circumstances) there was no way.  So despite my constant fight with migraines, I didn't get the prescription, I just stuck with over the counter medications and hoped for the best.  Well, in April (after the migraine from Hell in Mississippi) I had enough money for the medication and finally ordered it (only I had lost the script by then so my doctor had to call it in and only ordered me 3 pills....).

Ok, so fast forward to our plane ride home from our honeymoon time in Mexico.  We got on the plane and I was getting the beginning signs of a migraine and decided to take something. I debated between the med my friend had given me and the new prescription and went with the latter.

That was a really bad idea.  After about 10-15 minutes it kicked in and I was dizzy, had hot flashes, felt my chest constrict like there was a large person sitting on it, and had a heightened sensitivity for pain.  In case you're not asthmatic or have never had trouble (real trouble) breathing, let me just say that not being able to breathe might just be the scariest experience--EVER.  I began to cry as my body felt out of control and I struggled to breathe.  It wasn't the small straw breathing, but the weight on your chest breathing.  I was so scared I struggled to even tell R why I was crying (I think he thought it was still linked to the book I was reading which had caused me to cry earlier.).  I used both of my inhalers and could breathe, but still had the weight and the hot flashes and the dizziness (later when I ate and drank something it felt like my throat was super small). I looked for benadryl but did not find any.

I can't say that I would have gone to the hospital had I had that experience on the ground, but I will say that trying a new med while thousands of feet in the air is not a great plan. In fact it's a dumb idea.  I'm not sure why it didn't occur to me that I could have had trouble with it (probably b/c I have never had an allergic reaction to a medicine before) but it scared the you-know-what out of me. 

So here's my advice: never try a new medicine when you are in any remote location (be that in a plane, on a boat, in the woods, or simply in another country where you aren't guaranteed the medical attention you might need...). 

(Gratefully, once I was able to calm myself down and convince myself that even though it was tough to breathe I wasn't going to suffocate I relaxed more and later the side effects began to fade....though I did have the shakes in the middle of the night when I got home...I assumed once the med was finally through my system....)

Leadership choices

This year we had a number of changes in leadership.  And by "a number" I mean the chair of EVERY major committee changed.  In some ways that was really stupid on my part.  Training all new leadership requires a fair amount of time and energy (not that it's not worth it) and that extra time should be allotted for.  In comparing (sometimes helpful sometimes not) the different folks from the two years, I have a couple of observations I offer for what they are worth:

• when you choose people for the personnel committee, they have to be willing and able to handle conflict with tact.  They need to be not only nice people who care about others, but also people willing to confront someone when they are not doing their job in all the ways they are required to.  People who run from conflict will not get the job done.  As a note, there are many (most?) people who hate conflict. Not many (healthy/stable) people run toward it, but the person who dislikes it is different from the person who refuses to engage it.
• when you choose the person who will lead the meetings, choose someone who can stay on task and get to the point (this might be a personal preference b/c I am task oriented and like getting the job done, but really who likes being in a meeting that lasts 2 hours when it should only take 30 minutes just so everyone can share a story?!?!) 
• The people on finance committee should be willing to ask hard questions (repeatedly if necessary) in order to clean things up (supposing they are messy), and should be committed to faithful stewardship personally and corporately, they should also be willing to do fundraising (and able to encourage and empower others to do fundraising).  
• Some people will require more training than others.  Their need for additional instruction is not a testament to how well they will do as a leader, only that they have received less instruction along the way. 
• Sometimes giving people a fresh start and not asking too many questions about their past is helpful, it can offer a new (grace-filled) opportunity where they don't have to fight an uphill battle just to get started. It can also be problematic if (negative) past behaviors are sure to re-present themselves.  

I'll leave it at that for now.  Feel free to add your own. 

What's in a name?

So in 12 days I will be a married woman. It's a bit of a crazy thought to think I will be married next week. That's nuts. I realize we've been on the marriage train officially for a year this week, but somehow in the timeline of my life, it never seemed like it would be this close.  

Surprisingly (?!?!) I am not anxious or worried or any of those things. Last week my mind finally had freedom after I finished the concert, my brain kicked into high gear about all the things that still need to be done for the wedding and I hit super stressed and mildly cranky.  It's all detail work at this point and if nothing else happens, the wedding will still go on.  We will be married and there will still be a party and we will still leave for a honeymoon in Mexico(provided the passport glitches get worked out this week....if not, we're going somewhere.  Period.) 

But this week I passed out of cranky and into super excited. I'm getting married next week!!!  Period.  =)

But there's this other reality that I am having trouble wrapping my head around is that I will be changing my name.  That's not a huge deal to me in and of itself, (not yet anyway), the stranger part is thinking of what that title means to people.  I mean "Mrs. Sperry" will be me. I will be "Mrs. Sperry."  But my mother in law (*to be) is Mrs Sperry; and I am not her.  And, for that matter, my new sister in law to be is also Mrs. Sperry.  I'm not her either.  So, to take on that name in some way merges my identity with theirs and I'm not quite sure what it means to be a Sperry and not a Camphouse.  Not that I'm not a Camphouse, I'll always be one of them, but you know, I won't be known as a Camphouse.  And then you could argue that I could use my title to distinguish myself from the other Sperry women.  I could be known as "Rev. Sperry" or "Pastor Sperry" and in that way have my own identity. But you'd be wrong again. Because "Rev. Sperry" was R's dad.  (Was because he passed away over 2 years ago now....) but he was the Pastor Sperry who was well known.  Oh yeah, and R is clergy (though he doesn't use the title) but that's his title too.  So, being "Rev. Sperry" won't feel like an identity of my own either.  

I'm not saying it's good or bad either way. I'm trying to say it's new and different and I'm not quite sure how to process it fully yet.  It's bizarre to have created an identity and reputation for myself and with just 4 simple signatures (mine, R's, the pastor's, and a witness') all of that will change. 

A new stage in church life

Yesterday I mentioned my time with the girls. I am deeply blessed that the girls love to come and sit with me and join me in leading worship. My hope is that it makes them feel more and more comfortable themselves, that as they grow up they will move from sitting in my lap to lighting the candles, to reading scripture, to leading prayer, or teaching Bible study, or going on missions. I hope that their comfortability in church lays a firm foundation for their future discipleship.

One little one has already progressed from lap sitting to candle lighting and yesterday I witnessed a new stage: she's learned to read, so now she can read the words on the screen and sing along.  At times when I am able, I've tried to prompt the kids with the words to a song so they can sing too, but it doesn't work all that well. But I can tell you that my heart was overwhelmingly full as I sat next to this young girl (I think she's 6 now) and listened to her sing the words she could read for herself.  

I could just feel the empowerment. She didn't need to rely on someone else to include her in worship, she was finally able to join for herself and it was really cool.  Reflecting on it, it makes me grateful that we are a church that is dedicated to education, not just of the Bible, but in general, that we want people to be able to read the word of God for themselves and to be empowered...they cease being dependent on someone else (who may or may not have their best interest in mind) and can go seek God (and God's word and our worship) all on their own.

It was truly amazing. Simple. But profound.

Breathe

Well, let’s just say the last month or so has been insane.  I did the planning and preparation for our trip to Mississippi. I collaborated with 2 other planners, but was responsible for 23 of the group (paperwork, money, scholarships, etc).  we made it safely to Mississippi and had an amazing time.  We were at a different camp in a different city this year. Our projects were varied (as is normal), but, as usual, it was life-changing (particularly for the first-time missioners). 

It was also pretty revealing to me about some of the greater things I need to work on in regard to leadership.  Yet, even in that hard learning, I am also able to use what we did there for practical teaching within the church, which is always awesome. 

At the end of the trip, I got the worst migraine I’ve had in nearly a year and wanted to just die. I also managed to get some sort of stomach bug and ended up sick Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday and then still just zapped of all energy the next couple of days.  So, I tried to lay low (or as low as possible) and then slowly got back into the swing of things.  Only trouble was a week of mission plus company left me with about 13 loads of laundry!!!  I think I’ve mentioned it before, but I am not a big fan of laundry. I don’t mind the washing part…you know because the machine does that work. It’s the folding and putting away that kills me.  But, I survived.

In the midst of all that, there was still work to be done, a wedding to plan, and a concert to work on.  So there wasn’t a true break, just the best break I could imagine being sick in the middle of the busiest time ever. 

I keep trying to grasp for a break or a breathe or something, but I still keep grasping. There’s an occasional glimpse, but still plenty to do, so I keep on going.  I am fairly certain that somewhere there is an end to this crazy roller coaster ride I got myself on! 

Now we are one week away from the concert and are working our tails off to sell as many tickets as we can.  I’ve also chronicled some of the obstaclesand problems we’ve encountered and it’s hard to believe we are finally there.  Whether there’s 20 people or 2000 people, the bands are paid and will put on a concert.  We’d love to have 2500-3000 people because we’d reach our goal of sponsoring a whole house for someone still living in a FEMA trailer! That would be awesome. And God would totally get the credit because with all the obstacles we’ve faced, and the size of a church we are, there’s no way we could have done it without God.  So, we’re praying, and fliering, and praying, and hoping, and finalizing details, and praying that all will work out well. 

If you live near the IE or want to travel to Riverside for a very cool charity concert, click here or here or more info!

Cherished Moments

Yesterday was "Family Camp Sunday" where we wear our jeans and camp shirts and come to church "camp style". We worshiped in the fellowship hall instead of the sanctuary and sang camp songs and had more foibles than a normal Sunday, and it was all part of the experience.

Part of the joy of being a family is the presence of all the generations, young and old and everything in between.  At family camp we invite the youth to come up and do motions and help lead worship, and the same was true yesterday.  Nevermind the fact that I am the most outgoing 'youth' up there, they were there, dancing and jumping and doing the motions. And the little ones came up and held my hands and jumped and danced and laughed and smiled through those songs.  

And when we sat in between, they would sit really close and snuggle in as they sat with me. 

Then, when I went up to preach, one came up and held tight for some extra TLC, and then another saw she was up there and she too came up. Now, I know for some this is distracting and difficult. It causes them to lose their focus or feel disrupted or disrespected, but I love it. I love that the kids feel so comfortable with me and the church body that they can just walk right up when they are ready to, when they want a hug or a cuddle.  The only complicating factor was that the lapel mic wasn't working so I had to switch hands to hold the mic and hold the girls, but it was fun.  I was happy to have them there.  I want them to feel free to be themselves in worship. I relish in those moments.  

Then their parents felt uncomfortable, embarrassed even, so the girls were called back to their seats and I kept on preaching.  But it was good. They were good moments and I am grateful for them!

Do you ever just want to throw down?

(“throw down” means fight…I’m guessing it alludes to throwing down your gloves or something, but I can’t tell you for sure)

So, there have been an inordinate number of problems and conflicts at the church lately. As is usually the case with church business, I can’t detail most of it here, but let’s just say it’s been way too much at once. I have been overwhelmed and often feel totally ill-equipped to do the job I do. There have been personality issues, staff issues, moral issues, and more. 

But one of the things that has been particularly striking to me is how being so tired and frustrated has led me to want to just lay down the law and fight. (I need to say here I’m not a fighter. I’ve never been in a fight. I have never thrown a punch. I’ve never even been hit. I was only challenged once in High school and that was because I called someone out as lazy and ridiculous in class and she was not thrilled (go figure) and she came after me after class. I let her throw her insults and threats, looked around and saw my friends had left me, but I stood my ground, and she walked away…no fight. ) and when I say here that I want to fight, it’s typically not a physical fight I’m ready for. I’m much quicker with words. 

When people act out or act a fool and seriously disrupt things, my desire is to tear them apart with words. I have been tempted to put folks in their place. Now, I know this isn’t the normal type of confession you’d expect from a pastor, but it’s the reality of how I’ve felt.

Now, fortunately, I have had enough sense not to say anything. I’m typically pretty good at diplomacy. But I need to say it has taken extra concentration and patience lately. I have not wanted to be super nice with my words. I’ve wanted to be straightforward and blunt. Not p.c. or nice.

Gratefully, I held my tongue, and in doing so, I encountered greater wisdom about how to handle some very difficult situations and things are better in many areas. (Others still need the right words and I’m getting there with caution and patience). 

So, here’s looking forward to more days of non-violence (both with word and with deed).