Rosie

Meet Rosie. She's my grandmother's desert tortoise. Actually, she's a he. Only, s/he's close to 55+ now, and my grandma's had her all that time, and we didn't learn s/he was a he until 2 years ago...and it's kinda hard to break the habit, and I don't think s/he really cares...anyway...Rosie comes when you call her and will eat our of your hand (though you do have to be careful not to get bit). When I was young I used to fear she'd eat my toes since they were painted the same color as the watermelon she liked so much. So I'd dart from the house to the hammock. And really, it wasn't until years later I realized that I could have out-walked Rosie, I didn't need to run. Oh well.

Impromptu Music Leader

A few weeks ago we had a youth service. The style was "camping". We set up a tent, threw a sleeping back over the altar, made a fake fire, put a couple of coolers around and did camp style worship. That meant we sang "Pharaoh, Pharaoh" and "Arustashaw" and had testimonies instead of a formal sermon. We danced. We sang. We acted silly. It was MARVELOUS!!! And at the end of the service we got up, circled up around the sanctuary, sang "Seek ye first" and then did the UMYF benediction all together.

So the impromptu music leader part of this post is that we rehearsed the songs with the youth a couple 3 times. We have a new bell director at the church who also plays guitar and knows praise music. So we recruited him to lead music for/with us. We were doing the rehearsals and he kept asking me what I wanted or how I wanted to do the music. My classic retort is, "I'm a preacher, not a music leader!" and yet he kept persisting that I should have an answer to his questions. Ironically enough, though I am NOT a music leader, I kept leading our youth, instructing our musicians, and leading the congregation. For the record, music is not my gifting. I know lots of songs, from various traditions, and sang with a pretty good gospel choir in seminary that honed some of my skills, but seriously, music is not my gifting. Nevertheless, at funerals I end up leading hymns a capella (one man even thought I was gonna do a solo....yeah. right!), in worship I lead gospel songs, and now we've taken to have me help orchestrate praise songs. Who'd-a thunk it??? Not I. I'll tell you that much.

Oracion para domingo de los santos

Santo Dios
En este día donde recordamos a nuestros queridos que han muerto
te invitamos estar aquí
te pedimos el consuelo de tus brazos
te rogamos la paz de tu presencia.
Extrañamos a nuestros amados
todavía nos sentimos el dolor de su muerte
recordamos sus vidas--
las sonrisas y las lagrimas
las perdidas y los triunfos.
Confiamos en la promesa de vida eterna
y nos da gozo saber que estos,
tus siervos, están cantando las aleluyas
con los ángeles y los arcángeles.
Se presente y recibe nuestra alabanza y nuestros lamentos,
en el nombre de Cristo Jesús.
Amen.

Soul Food

Technically, soul food is cornbread and collard greens, fried chicken, ribs, macaroni and cheese, and sweet tea (alright, so it's also banana pudding, chicken and dumplings, fried catfish, hushpuppies, etc). It's comfort food. It's often greasy and fattening, but we set that aside because it brings happy memories and hits the spot.

It draws us back into memories in the kitchen with our mothers, aunts, and grandmothers or at the barbeque with our fathers, uncles, and grandfathers. Sweet smells waft through the air and tantilize our senses and tease our taste buds--all beckoning to our stomachs. We laugh and share stories as the meal is prepared, anticipating that final moment when we'll sit at the table and savor the sauces, juices, flavors, and seasonings.

When the heavenly moment of indulgence arrives, our nostrils consume the sweet, spicy, and friend smells of the flavors of home. The incarnational taste of love served up on a platter.

During the meal, we share more stories, more laughter, jokes and anecdotes. The food holds not just its tangible flavor and sustenance; it is also inextricably linked to the flavor and sustenance of life itself--flavors of love, care, encouragement, and memory andn the sustenance of relationship. For soul food is not just food we eat--life-giving for our body, but also life-giving for our soul. Soul food is not just food with soul, it is food for the soul. It's pleasures, riches, and meaning can only be known when we combine the power of the palate with the intensity of soul-filled relationships.

This is the essence of Jesus' message in John 6. When he says, "I am the bread of life," he's not simply speaking about the physical substance, as the Jews believe. He's also talking about spiritual sustenance--his own life-giving power. We cannot experience Christ's soul food if we fail to recognize how he feeds our soul. We might taste the bread--his body--the sacrifice of God's love, but if we only taste bread (wheat, white, pita, tortilla, leavened or unleavened) then we don't' actually get the experience or the notion Jesus is trying to convey.

Thinking again about Southern soul food--it's possible to simply eat fried chicken, collard greens, and cornbread. You can even enjoy the food for what it is--good food. But without the connections to family, friends, and nourishment for your soul, then you won't actually experience soul food.

Similarly with Christ, it's possible to simply eat the bread and drink from the cup. You'll taste the bread and wine; your palate will confirm that. But if you can't connect the physical offering of bread and wine with your heart and soul, with Christ's saving and pardoning act, with the richness and fullness of God's grace and mercy--then you haven't truly experienced Christ's soul food. To truly eat the bread of life is to experience the connection. The food is not just food; it is intrinsically linked to something more.

So, this day, as we partake of this holy meal, I want you to taste--not just in your mouth, but in your soul this sacred meal God has set before us. Savor the flavors in your mouth and be sure to savor the sustenance of grace, mercy, and forgiveness in your soul as well.

preaching woes

Does anyone else feel like they preach the same sermon over and over again? I feel like my messages each week are beginning to blur together: God is good (all the time). God is gracious. God's love is abundant and there is enough of God's blessings for everyone, we don't have to fear "losing" our portion if we invite another. The goodness of God's blessing is so great, we should be out inviting everyone we know, and those we don't know, to experience it. God's promises and blessings are available to us not just in some far off "eternal" time that is relatively irrelevant for us in the here and now, but they are also available to us now. "Hell"/punishment is living outside the umbrella of God's love--that's the worst reality we can know: living without God. And there is no reason to live in that reality, for God has made God's self abundantly present for us, in every moment, despite our past, despite our sins, despite our shame, God's gift of mercy and grace is there. Right here. Right now. Isn't that exciting? Doesn't that make you want to jump up and shout for joy? Doesn't that make you want to go out and tell someone the good news? Then what the heck are you waiting for????

That seems to be my sermons in a nutshell. Week after week after week. Now, I know my phrasing there makes it seem like I am less than enthused, and that is wrong. I am super enthused, and I feel like I am jumping up and down and waving my arms to get people to see the true beauty and abundance of the good news AND to go share that with someone else, and all of it seems in vain.

Who knows? Maybe I'm just frustrated that I don't have something new, unique, and different to share tomorrow. Guess I get to rely on that whole abundant grace thing, again!

Tofu Creamed Spinach

Up until about 3 years ago I despised Tofu. I had no real reason for this hatred. Just hated it for what it stood for (lack luster no-meat meals, I suppose). Growing up, I can't remember a single meal (aside from the one where mom made ice cream sundaes for dinner) where we didn't have meat at dinner. I'm not sure when it was in seminary or who exactly changed me, AP I think, but I was changed and started cooking some with Tofu. Unfortunately, most of my recipes are limited to soup, though there is tofu bowl from APW and fried tofu (fried chicken style). Today as I thought through what I would have for lunch, I knew I needed to use up the tofu (the rest was put in an Udon soup), and also knew I needed to eat leafy greens. So I started hunting and found this in my recipe files. I cooked it up. Put it on some pasta and enjoyed a good meal.

It's kinda like an alfredo sauce or regular creamed spinach, but it's low fat, and has the health benefits of soy. I even had a friend come to lunch impromptu and she liked it too.

Quick, Easy, and Healthy!

Tofu creamed spinach

INGREDIENTS

• 1 tablespoon butter
• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 1 small onion, chopped
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 pounds fresh spinach, washed and chopped
• 1 (12 ounce) package firm tofu
• 1/2 cup milk or soy milk
• 1 cup Parmesan or Asiago cheese
• 1 pinch garlic powder to taste
• 1 pinch salt and pepper to taste

DIRECTIONS

1. Heat butter and olive oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Stir in onion and garlic; cook until soft and translucent, but not brown. Add spinach; cook, stirring frequently, until wilted.
2. Place tofu, milk, cheese, garlic powder, salt, and pepper in a blender, and puree until smooth.
3. Stir pureed tofu into spinach. Cook until warmed through. Adjust seasonings, if desired, and serve.

Script writing peeve

Tonight as I watched "Law and Order", one of the officers was talking about murder and mentioned "the 5th commandment". I rewound to hear it again and make sure I hadn't misheard. I hadn't. He said, "5th commandment." The show continued on and then during the trial, they botched it again. "The 5th commandment." Just for the record #5 is "honor thy father and mother." #6 is "thou shalt not kill." (Try Exodus 20 or Deuteronomy 5)

Reason No. 1 for not having children:

I am not a fan of 'o-dark-thirty. This morning my darling little dog started whining at 4:45. I tried to ignore her, hoping it was momentary and she'd go back to sleep. She didn't. So I dragged myself out of bed, threw on a robe and walked her downstairs to potty. We came back and she had the crazy notion that she should get to get in bed with me. No dice. I put her back in her kennel and returned to bed (though not to slumber since I had this post whirling through my head). My general rule is if she gets up before 6:00, she goes back to the kennel until I'm ready to get up. If it's after 6:00 I may stay up, I may not, and if not, she gets to go to bed with me. I know, she's a dog, but she's a smart dog, and I'm really not ready for her to learn the lesson that as soon as she wakes up in the night and whines, then she gets to go to bed with me.

It reminds me of my nephew, actually. When I went to visit he wanted me to sleep in his bed and he'd sleep in the crib where his sister normally sleeps and she'd go back to the baby bed. He wanted to the crib 'cause it was "cooler", and his bed was "kinda boring."
Me: "So you want me to have the boring bed?"
N: "Yeah."
Me: "Well, I think I might sleep in the pullout couch, and then, when you get up in the morning, you could come get in bed with me."
N: "Ummm, yeah, I think you should sleep in the pull-up couch."
Me: "okay."
N: "Aunt Debbie, well, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night 'cause I'm thirsty, and so, I might get in bed with you before morning."
Me: (remembering how even nap time with my nephew in the past has meant little feet in my sides and in my head) "I think you need to stay in your bed until morning. You can only get in bed with me in the morning."
N: "Okay."

The highlight of this exchange came the next morning when he woke up. First, he went to his parents door and in a whisper, "Dad? Dad??"
"What N?"
"Is it morning?"
"yes."
"Okay." and then he padded his way over to where I was and crawled into bed with me.

Okay, so apparently my one (and probably only) reason for not having kids wasn't able to stand up on its own very long, as it was trumped by a far more telling story. Guess someday down the line I'll just have to suck up those early mornings. For the record, children are not in the near future for me, heck, I'll be lucky to have kids before I'm 30 (I know, it's not really that old)! I just tend to think about these things.

"An Unquiet Mind"

A couple of weeks ago, I watched Oprah's show on bipolar disorder and was intrigued about a book called "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Jamison, which is her autobiography about her struggles with the disorder. I ordered the book through interlibrary loan and have been working my way through it. In college I studied psychology for my first two years and so I understood the basic clinical stuff about the disorder, but now that I am half way through this book, I can tell you, I really had no idea. The opposite extremes of the disorder are mind blowing when you hear about them first hand. Jamison chronicles: "I must have spent far more than thirty thousand dollars during my two major manic episodes, and God only knows how much more during my frequent milder manias." She talks about some of her rational for her actions during her manic highs...one can see the touch of logic she followed, but it's hard to fathom the lack of restraint that accompanied it. Doing things like buying 12 rattle case bite kits (for the imminent rattle snake threat in the San Fernando Valley), a stuffed fox (even she couldn't wrap her head around that one afterward recognizing her great fondness for live animals), 3 watches bought within hours, and much much more.

I appreciate her vulnerability in allowing others to go where they couldn't even imagine on their own, and in many ways at the risk of her own career (at least at the time). I also love that she uses big words that force me to look them up in the dictionary (or on dictionary.com). I miss learning new words, and miss reading books that force me to think and learn. Three of today's words are: phantasmagoria, centrifuge, and pixilated.

For the Bible Tells me so

After reading Chai's post, and looking at the website I had to go see "For the Bible tells me so". I had to drive to Palm Springs since it was only showing at certain theaters, but decided it'd be a good chance to have "good" food since Hemet is limited as far as restaurants go. I couldn't find a sushi restaurant like I craved, but my soul knew better and I happened upon Big Mamma's Soul Food and it was awesome. After living in the South, I became particular about my soul food, and this hit the spot! My first question was, 'do you have sweet tea?' to which the waitress replied "yes." I confirmed, "Real sweet tea?" "Yes!" That's a litmus test in my mind, and it just got better and better from there. The fried catfish and collard greens were perfect! The cornbread and macaroni and cheese, just what the doctor ordered. AND they played gospel music in the cool warmth of a perfect starry night. My harried, hurting, and harrowed soul needed that meal more than I thought.

Sorry, I digress. The real reason for this post was to endorse "For the Bible tells me so". It was REALLY well done. It was honest, representative, compassionate AND not told from a Bible thumping hell-fire perspective. You saw folks from both sides of the fence and heard the stories of real people, real struggles, real pain, and real triumph. If you are looking to see the issue of homosexuality and the Church from a more moderate perspective, this is a great way to do it. I'd also HIGHLY recommend it for a conversation or study with youth, young adults, on up.

Because it's "indy" it may be hard to find in a theater for many of you, but hopefully once it's out on video we can find it through amazon or even Cokesbury (ooh...the thought of it!)

NaBloPoMo and meetings

I think I'm a glutton for punishment, namely because I can't figure out why I would add yet another commitment to my already too hectic life, but nevertheless, I signed up for NaBloPoMo both in an effort to be more disciplined and in an effort to use writing as a process for sifting through the mania that is my life these days.

I've been completely overwhelmed by meetings lately. It seems every night has an obligation and in addition I am traveling to some region of So Cal to get to a meeting at least once a week. I'm tired of driving so much. I'm tired of having commitment after commitment (on top of my regular church work). It's exhausting and I am NOT looking forward to the prospect of more meetings in the coming year. I think I find it especially tedious because most of the meetings I have to attend don't accomplish anything. We talk in circles or talk about how *someone* needs to do something, but then nothing gets done. If I'm tired of going to countless meetings, I am REALLY tired of nothing getting done. I recognize "it takes one to know one" could be applied here, and I am trying to do something, but I also know I am a doer--I can't hardly escape that, so what seems to happen is then the non-doers like to talk about "us" "we" or "someone" and what they really mean in "you", which by implication is me. And for the record, it's not my job to get trash bags, make sure there's toilet paper in the park bathrooms, or even to get carnival tickets, so where on earth did you get that idea?!!?

Sorry. I'm frustrated.

I did have a brilliant idea last night though. A month of sabbath from meetings. Doesn't that sound absolutely marvelous?!!? No 3 hour trips to and from San Diego. No 4 hour drives to/from Pasadena. No 4 hour drives to/from Palmdale. No staff meeting. No one on one. No SPRC, Ad council, or whatever else. No stinkin' meetings! Some might call it a boycott. I simply call it sabbath. Rest from the tedium so I could go back renewed with fresh ideas and energy--that's what I think God meant by the 4th commandment (in addition to the traditional day off). I'll have to plan ahead, but I'm thinking February is looking pretty good!

Quote of the Day

"And, as always, I am curious about your love-life. Do have someone to squeeze? Someone who cherishes, admires and loves you extravagantly -- kinda like God only "still" in human form --a model complete with human flaws?" --B.E.

Jambalaya

This comes from a host of online recipes I have gathered in the last 6 months. Most of the ingredients are common to each recipe, and at this point, I just do my own thing... (this recipe should easily serve 10 people)

1) In a large (the large part is important here because there are a lot of ingredients and when you add the rice, the whole thing will grow!) pot over medium heat, brown 1 pound chopped, skinless/boneless, chicken. Remove and set aside.
2) In the same pot, brown 1/2 pound pork sausage. Pour out the grease. Set meat aside on a paper towel to collect extra grease.
3) In same pot, brown 4 links of andouille sausage, chopped. Remove and set aside with other meat.
4) In same pot, add 2 tbsp EVOO and 2 Tbsp butter. Add 2-3 white/yellow onions chopped. Add 4 stalks of celery, chopped. Add 1 green bell pepper, chopped. Add 4 green onions chopped. Add 4-7 cloves of garlic, chopped. (FYI--garlic is like salt in that the more you eat it, the more *immune* your palate becomes, thus requiring more of it in order to taste it, so if you hardly eat garlic, you probably only need a little, but if you eat it a lot, then you will need more to have the desired taste effect. Kapeesh?!? on an obvious but different note, unlike the health risks of eating lots of salt, garlic is actually good for you!)
5) Add 1 tsp thyme, 1/2 tsp chili powder, 1/2 tsp cayenne, 1/2 tsp paprika, 2 tsp black pepper, 2 tsp garlic salt, and 1Tbsp salt (all seasonings should be to taste, these measurements are only approximations.) Cook covered until translucent/semi-soft. (5-10 minutes)
6) Add 1 can diced tomatoes, 6 cups chicken broth, 2.5 cups of white rice, and all the meat. Mix well. Cover and cook for roughly 30-40 minutes, stirring occasionally.
7) It is finished when the rice is cooked through, (i.e., no longer crunchy).
8) Serve hot with rolls or cornbread. Greens (collard) if you like, and preferably sweet tea!

Tortilla Soup

I love to cook, and more specifically, I love to cook for people. I have missed not having friends living close by (or in the same house) that I can cook for when I want. Tuesday night I was supposed to have a meeting but because of the fires and freeway closures, it was cancelled. So I treated myself to a night off. I read, cooked fried ravioli, and ended up inviting some friends over to share in the meal. It was nice. Nice to treat them to a night off from cooking. Nice to share a good recipe (thanks Aunt P). And nice to have company for the evening.

In an effort to share the cooking joy, I thought I'd share another recipe with you my readers:

Tortilla Soup (should serve 4)

In a large pot over medium heat:

1) Melt 2 Tbsp butter and add 1 Tbsp cumin seeds. Cook 2 minutes.
2) Add 3-4 cloves chopped garlic. Cook 2 minutes.
3) Add 1 cup salsa (whatever kind you like, cheap is good hear b/c it just blends in), 2 cans diced tomatoes, 2 cans (or 3-4 cups) chicken/vegetable broth.
4) Bring to a boil.
5) Reduce heat. Simmer 30 minutes, covered.
6) Remove from heat. Add 1/4 cup chopped cilantro.
7) Serve hot with shredded or 1/4" cubed cheese and fried tortilla strips (or tortilla strips).

Enjoy!

Quote of the Day

Yesterday I really needed someone to pray with me, not just for me, but with me. I called one pastor who had offered support any time I needed at Annual Conference and he was out of the office, so I called another with whom I had prayed long and hard at Clergy Convocation, gloria a Dios, he was in. After identifying myself, my first words were, "I was wondering if you'd be willing to pray with me." I didn't make it two words into that sentence before my voice cracked and tears began to stream down my face. We talked for a long while and at the end of the conversation he did indeed pray WITH me. I needed that. I needed him and was grateful he was there and available when I called. As we talked about things he shared something that was extremely powerful. He said, "I tell my kids they need to obey me when I am right and they need to obey me when I am wrong, because that way they learn to obey God when they thinkare wrong is good discipline to train us to continue to obey God when we think God is wrong."

Now, ordinarily, I'm a "fight-the-fools, speak-truth-to-power, don't-let-them-get-away-with-that" kinda gal. But really, his words struck me. It was amazing and eye-opening to see the clarity of his wisdom: we will think God is wrong at various junctures in our life, and if we have no willingness to submit to "wrongness" then we will be unwilling to submit to God and God's sovereignty in those times, and we will miss out, be hurt, run from God, etc, but if we practice submission, even in the light of another's obvious "wrongness" then we will be more prepared to practice humility in the light of God's perceived wrongness.

Thank you JM. God is wrong. Learning to obey authorities when they

Worth Reading

I don't know how many of you frequent Pastor J.T.'s site, but he has some beautiful pieces about his faith journey of growth and awakening. Recently he wrote about his experience attending to those in need at Qualcomm Stadium and it is definitely worth reading. Click here to read it.

Let it be by Superchick

Some people bring you gifts, some bring you bricks to weigh you down
So they can swim a little higher while you drown
Some people mean so well, their way was the best way that they've found
But any other way you choose is a brick that weighs you down

So tell me
what do I do with this backpack full of bricks
Of sticks and stones and words that stuck to me like ticks

Let it go, let it be
brick by brick we can be free
Of all the words we say til we were our own enemies
Let it go, let it be brick by brick we can believe
in the person God intended us to be
Let it be.

Some people give themselves a brick, I know most people do
When we compare, we fall short somewhere, its always true
If all we see is where we fall, weve bricked the prison wall
Instead of trying to learn to fly weve taught ourselves to crawl

So tell me what do I do with this backpack full of bricks
Of sticks and stones and words that stuck to me like ticks

Let it go, let it be
brick by brick we can be free
Of all the words we say til we were our own enemies
Let it go, let it be brick by brick we can believe
in the person God intended us to be
Let it be.

We could believe in ourselves more
We could try for unique instead of trying to conform
We could defy what they tell us
And don't buy the lies they sell us
And were brave we can believe in what we are

Let it go, let it be
brick by brick we can be free
Of all the words we say til we were our own enemies
Let it go, let it be brick by brick we can believe
in the person God intended us to be
Let it be.

Word of the day

Flummery is dictionary.com's word of the day today. I like it. It's befitting of the random musings I often have, and of some of the compliments I've received as of late. Flummery. It's a good word.

Forgiveness

For the record, it's much easier to talk about forgiveness than to be the one who actually has to do the work of forgiving. I doubt that's a surprise to many of you, but it had to be said. I have had the opportunity to write about forgiveness a couple of times to a fellow blogger. And after a couple of comments, he even solicited my opinion about his final piece. I've written about the greatness of God's forgiveness, how the forgiving work is more about us letting go of the anger and resentment that is eating us alive, how we may never receive an apology from the other party, or how they may never accept our apology, and that that's okay because forgiveness is greater than that. All of those things are great, in the philosophical sense anyway. But forgiveness is a hard, hard practice.

Awhile back I was having major trouble with N. I resented him, was irritated, hurt, aggravated. And in the midst of my unforgiveness, I had the opportunity to see a spiritual director. It was a time of major upheaval in my life and I expected the spiritual direction would address issues with my call or my relationship with God. The SD and I talked for awhile, I cried, and then she had me do a guided meditation exercise. I lay on the floor with my hands at my sides and my eyes closed. She had me put my hand on my heart and call to mind an experience that had brought me great joy in the recent days and immediately I had a vision of hugging B and rubbing her pregnant belly. The SD told me to relish and feel that joy and then to let it go, to give it to God. Then she had me call to mind a painful experience and immediately I was struck by my interaction with N. I started to cry and again the SD encouraged me to really feel those emotions and then let them go. I don't remember well what the next few prompts were, only that it had to do with how I would be reconciled with N, or what needed to happen, and the vision I had was of me asking N for forgiveness for having a hard heart against him. That struck me. Big time. N had hurt me. N had wronged me, and I was supposed to be the one asking for forgiveness? Come on. I was not thrilled with the idea. The spiritual direction continued in a different vein and when I left I talked with a friend of mine and told her what I had seen. She said she'd had a similar experience with a colleague and had to ask her colleague for forgiveness in a similar way. I continued to protest. She said I could protest as long as I wanted to, but that eventually I'd need to do it.

I finally conceded and had the conversation. I can't say that it fixed everything for N and me, but it was helpful, and I felt like I had honored God by asking for forgiveness in the way I had seen it in my vision.

Well, it's forgiveness time again in my life. A few weeks ago I mentioned the insults that had been slung my way. I have mulled and fumed, pondered and debated the words that came my way. I continue to be angry and hurt. And quite frankly I have trouble wanting to go anywhere near this person. And yet, over the last few days, I haven't been able to get it out of my head that I need to ask for forgiveness for having a hardened heart and for being unwilling to offer grace and forgiveness. Regularly the conversation I work out in my head goes something like this: "I need to apologize to you because I've had a hardened heart toward you since you were an arrogant jerk and said such horrible things to me." Somehow, I think that misses the mark. Call me crazy. I really don't want to have this conversation, especially in many ways because he's the type that would easily assume I finally conceded he was right and saw the light. Wrong. He was still wrong, both in his words and in his approach. But I can't force him to apologize and it's only going to eat at my soul if I sit around and wait for him to do so.

I'm struggling between the notions of forgiveness and reconciliation. I believe they are two separate things (though they often go hand in hand). As a back story, my last year in seminary I dealt with some strange men, 3 strange men in particular. One was extremely lonely and became obsessive in his calling and refused to heed my requests for time and space away from him. The second was a narcissist who ended up stalking me relentlessly until I finally called in the higher ups. The third was an old man who decided he was entitled to me and whatever he wanted from me. He, too, called incessantly--in the end pleading for "reconciliation" (in the name of Christianity, of course). As I learned to honor myself and protect myself from those who did me emotional harm, I wrote this:

'I just want to be reconciled with you; will you pray for that?' Do you know what reconciliation means? Have you thought of what it entails? It is not simple or cheap. It is not an "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you" and a turn back to how things were. It demands repentance--change in direction--not the same as the old path. Reconciliation between us requires action from each of us. It requires grace and understanding, absolutely, but it also requires action and change. Reconciliation cannot truly take place if we simply return to old habits. Reconciliation is profound and powerful. So let us be reconciled, if you desire. You do your part and I'll do mine. You respect me and my wants and desires and I will honor you in our relationship. Neither of us can move forward if we continue to hold misconceptions, misinformation, prejudices, or hate from the past. We must clear a path down which we can walk toward greater connection, and wholeness in ourselves.

In dealing with L, man #3, I really struggled because the reconciliation he was asking for only involved action on my part. He wanted me to wipe the slate clean and for us to "move on from this." But not once was he actually repentant (not in my presence or to my knowledge anyway). Not once did he acknowledge any wrongdoing. Forgiving him, as I understand it, meant letting go of the anger, hurt, and frustration that were binding me. But reconciliation, that was a bigger deal--that involved some action, some commitment to change on his part.

Now, back to the present. I think in some ways I want to be reconciled with my current offender, but I don't know if I actually want to be reconciled, or if I really just want him to be repentant. Either way, I have tried to make my act of forgiveness contingent upon his acknowledgment of the wrong. And I really can't persist that way. Because, like I said, I have no control over that, and looking at the situation, it is unlikely it will actually happen. So I need to work on the forgiveness, the letting go, the giving over to God, and let God work with the rest of the situation from there. It is indeed hard work. Dreadful work in some instances. But I think the fear and dread of the hard work are actually more difficult than the work itself.

My prayer this sabbath day is that I actually would have an unhardened heart and be able to do this work of forgiveness.

buffered up

Sometimes it feels like I'm perceived this way. It's not generally something I consciously do--shield myself from the world, for in many ways, I think I am very open and make myself pretty vulnerable. But there are other days, when others claim I am all walled in. I have one *friend* (he's deemed me his best friend, in fact, how much of a friend he is for me seems to be pretty inconsequential in terms of his actions) in particular right now who's regularly frustrated I don't share more. But it's hard for me to share more because he's a member of my congregation and there are a whole host of things happening right now that are confidential, so I can't talk about them. This man also has a habit of pushing and digging with all his might into areas where he has been given an inch of information, and quite frankly there are other parts of my life where I don't want anyone pushing and digging for more information.

In many ways I think our willingness to be vulnerable is a product of our environment--we learn to wear extra padding or not, and we learn to read the signs of when it is safe to take that padding off. I guess I'm more like Mr. Padding than I'd like to admit, at least these days. It doesn't feel safe to share. It doesn't feel safe to bear the truth of my heart. I need a buffer these days because I'm not sure I can take another blow.

hat tip for the cartoon: Naked Pastor