Monday, October 22, 2007

buffered up

Sometimes it feels like I'm perceived this way. It's not generally something I consciously do--shield myself from the world, for in many ways, I think I am very open and make myself pretty vulnerable. But there are other days, when others claim I am all walled in. I have one *friend* (he's deemed me his best friend, in fact, how much of a friend he is for me seems to be pretty inconsequential in terms of his actions) in particular right now who's regularly frustrated I don't share more. But it's hard for me to share more because he's a member of my congregation and there are a whole host of things happening right now that are confidential, so I can't talk about them. This man also has a habit of pushing and digging with all his might into areas where he has been given an inch of information, and quite frankly there are other parts of my life where I don't want anyone pushing and digging for more information.

In many ways I think our willingness to be vulnerable is a product of our environment--we learn to wear extra padding or not, and we learn to read the signs of when it is safe to take that padding off. I guess I'm more like Mr. Padding than I'd like to admit, at least these days. It doesn't feel safe to share. It doesn't feel safe to bear the truth of my heart. I need a buffer these days because I'm not sure I can take another blow.

hat tip for the cartoon: Naked Pastor

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