Experiencing God: A Hug

Last week, God sent me an angel. Not one with wings, but one in flesh and blood.  I’ve been praying a lot lately for God’s guidance for this time in my life and where it is that God wants me to go and what I am to do in the next chapter of my ministry.  I keep pleading for God’s assurance and God’s direction. 

On Wednesday, I went to the monthly pastor’s prayer meeting. We gather for an hour each month, hosted by different churches, just to pray.  It’s not political. There’s no “agenda”. Our purpose is to praise God (we begin with worship) and to pray—for each other, for our ministries, for our valley, and for whatever else God places on our hearts.  

This month, we gathered at The Sanctuary. And when I walked in there were 4 new people, primarily Spanish speaking.  Normally, I don’t go around greeting folks, I just sort of keep to myself, but I thought, being Spanish speakers (in a largely English speaking group) and being new, I should greet them and introduce myself.  So I did. I met two women first, and shook their hands, then a man, then another woman, who hugged me as she said hello.  I took a step back from the third woman and the first gave me a side hug and then embraced me further.  She just kept holding me.  I’m naturally a physically affectionate person, so it didn’t seem odd to me.  Even as she continued to hold me, I was nonplussed.  It was a God thing.  She embraced me, rubbed my back and whispered assurances into my ear.  I focused on being present in the moment and receiving whatever it was that God wanted for me.  I could feel something inside sort of break loose and break open.  It wasn’t painful, but it was real.  I don’t know what broke…I hoped it was pain or unforgiveness.  And this woman kept on holding me.  She said “Dios te ama mucho.” (God loves you very much).

She pulled away slightly and reiterated that God loves me very much. She said that the hug wasn’t from her, but from God.  God wanted me to know how much God loves me.  And she embraced me again. She continued to hold me gently and reiterated God’s love, again. She said “God has great plans for you, and for your family.” 

It was such a gift—both the hug and the affirmations, but also her faithfulness and willingness to heed God’s guiding.  She could have just given me a quick embrace, or ignored that nudge entirely, but instead, she listened to what God was instructing her to do…not for her benefit, but for mine—a complete stranger.  And God gave me just what I needed…a hug full of affirmation and love for who I am and what God is doing in my life. 

Is it Time Yet?

As a parent, you see life differently. You gain perspective about people, attitudes, good behavior, bad behavior, excuses, love, acceptance, friendship and much much more.

As a theologian and a parent, I also garner new insights about God.  I've blogged before about finding sacred moments in time shared, particularly with a baby. But as my baby girl grows up, I'm learning a whole lot more about God. 

Often, I hear God's voice/attitude/perspective toward me as I speak to my own child.  (Though I always assume God is much more gracious than I.

This is a frequent conversation with my daughter (though the specifics often change form):

Me: Ruth, we are going to go to ______________ today after lunch. Think about what you might like to take with us.
Ruth: (3 minutes later, 62 items in hand) I'm ready!!
Me: Good job anticipating what you want.  But we aren't leaving until after lunch.
Ruth: But I'm ready now!
Me: That's great, but we can't go until after lunch...that's 3 hours away.
Ruth: (in teenage-esque protest) But mooooooom!
Me: Ruth, we can't go for awhile. You need to find something to do until then.

Then seemingly ever 2 to 5 minutes for the next 3 hours:

Ruth: Can we go now?  Is it time yet?  I'm ready to go! Why do we have to wait so long?!

I can't help but imagine God feels the same way about me sometimes.  There are things God tells me that God has in the works, and then I get excited about that and I'm ready to go, regardless of how long God indicated it might take.  I wrote the other day about my frustration in the midst of waiting.  In this time, God hasn't told me when things were going to happen, only to trust that God is at work.

And so I, much like Ruth, am regularly asking, "Is it time? Is it now?  What about now? Why do I have to wait so long?!" 

And to my impatience, God retorts, "I've told you I am working on things. I need to get things ready for us first.  You need to be patient.  It will happen."

And so I keep waiting...with all the patience of an almost 5 year old.  :)

Experiencing God: Feel the Heat

I’ve been thinking a lot about the different ways I experience God, and I thought it would be good to write about it…to share the ways God can (and is) tangible to us.  I will preface by saying, I was raised in the church, a traditional United MethodistChurch, which is to say, we didn’t really talk about how we might “feel” God.  We believe God is real. We believe in the traditional doctrines (you can get a sense of those from the Apostle’sCreed).  We believe Christians are to live their faith and to become more like Christ as they do that.  And, in practice, we were “reverent” (read: quiet, well-mannered, didn’t clap in worship, didn’t speak out of turn, etc).  And in that tradition, my faith grew. I learned the stories of the Bible. I learned to care for others (even if I didn’t like them). I learned generosity. I learned selflessness.  I learned to pray.  And I learned to have a “thinking faith” where it was ok to ask questions, to have doubts, and to explore the historicity of the Bible and how that converges with faith.  

But what I didn’t really learn is how you “feel” God.  I think the closest tangible expression of God that I might have asserted is feeling peace in difficult circumstances.  But as I grew and developed in life and in faith, I started to learn that there were other ways, tangible ways, we could experience God.  God wasn’t just in our head or our hearts, but God is also around us in the form of the Holy Spirit and can be felt. 

The first time I remember experiencing this was at Santa Paula UMC.  It was a bilingual congregation and my brother (a UM pastor) had been asked to preach.  He had some Spanish, but not really enough to do a full sermon. So, he asked me to do the translation since I had just finished a full year of study abroad and came back bilingual.  Before the service, our mom came and talked with us and offered to pray for us.  She put a hand on each of us and began to pray…and her hands were hot on our backs/shoulders.  She wasn’t feverish, and to touch her hands in general, she wasn’t hot, but as she prayed, heat transferred to us. And I understood that heat to be the presence of the Holy Spirit. God could be felt…tangibly, physically. 

It was a small thing, heat during a prayer, but it became a big deal…an entry point for the other ways God would become manifest in me and in others confirming the power and presence of the Living God. 

By force or by choice

Someone told me the other day, “You’re so strong.”  I kind of shrugged my shoulders…not meaning to be dismissive of what she thought, but more thinking, I’m not really strong. I just did what I had to do.  I mean, I think I normally associate strength with a capacity you foster…something you prepare to be. But really, strength often comes by accident…well, maybe not a real accident, but at least unintentionally.  Let me explain.  I know lots of people who have great strength and resilience, and most of them have proven that by the way they have weathered a storm.  It’s the cancer survivors, those who have persevered through and with disabilities, survivors of violence, parents who’ve had to bury a child, widows and widowers, those who have weathered the unthinkable, faced adversity, fought and come out alive (albeit scarred).  They have strength—true, undeniable strength. And yet they didn’t ask for those situations. They didn’t rally for cancer. They didn’t invite abuse. Instead awful things happened to them and, somehow, they lived to tell about it.  

I’m sure, having borne my own “stuff” that those folks (we folks) have thought, “I don’t think I can take much more.” Or “I don’t have any strength left in me.” Or “I can’t do any more.”  We’ve hated our circumstances, wished it wouldn’t have happened to us, pleaded “uncle” with hopes that some power (holy or otherwise) would free us from our pain, trials, or suffering.  And all along, we’ve known that that answer might come a long way down the road, or maybe never in the ways we ask or hope, so we’ve continued on one way or the other.  We face each day with whatever strength we can muster and we’ve made it through. 

And the result is strength, perseverance, and determination. Not necessarily because we wanted to be strong, but often because there was no other choice.  

And looking inward, I don’t see great strength in myself. I just see someone who did what was necessary, it’s not award worthy.  But, looking outward, I see tremendous strength. I see capacities far greater than my own to overcome those things that are much worse than what I have confronted in my own journey. And to those folks, you folks, I would say you have tremendous strength, power, resilience, determination and perseverance. I stand with great admiration for the example you have set and the ways you have refused to let the trials and darkness overtake your power, light, and joy. 

I'm OK

I heard the story of a little girl who was running to play and tumbled down a hill,  face-planting in the dirt. She quickly popped up and claimed "I'm OK." But then as she took a breath and assessed what had happened she realized she wasn't OK.  Her body hurt (and her ego probably did too), and she started to cry.

I think that's a lot like what we do as adults.  We tumble (as adults, more often emotionally or spiritually) and we pop up to tell whoever is looking on, "I'm OK."  And for a moment (or two) we might really believe we're ok. But then we start to assess our reality and we see (and feel) that we are hurt. ..maybe it's minor scrapes, maybe it's a bigger gash, maybe it's a bruised spirit, or a broken heart. Our reality is we're hurt.  

Sometimes,  when it's a minor injury,  we can take another deep breath and go back to what we were doing.  But other times,  when it's a big deal,  we have to slow down,  tend to our wounds,  and maybe even rest to recover fully before getting back at it. 

The truth of the matter is we aren't always ok, no matter how much we want others to believe that we are,  nor how much we want to believe it ourselves. And it's ok to not be ok.

Quote of the day

Ruth: I'm a bad kid
Me: No you're not.  You're the best kid!  You're my best kid!  And you know what's even now important than that? 
Ruth: What? 
Me: You're God's best kid and nothing can ever change that.  Nothing is more powerful than God.

God in the waiting

They say God is in everything. So I have to believe God is also in the waiting. Mostly I try to convince myself that God is in the waiting.  It's not obvious to me because the waiting seems void...it's vacant of the next thing.  Waiting seems to provoke anxiety. There's anticipation,  which may be good or may be bad, but either way there's an expectancy that's focused on the next thing. ..not this thing.  And somehow all of that makes it hard for me to sense God. I believe God is there. ..that makes sense to me,  at least in my head. But I'm still left waiting. ..waiting to feel God...waiting to see God at work. ..waiting for the assurance that my faith wasn't in vain. And let's just say it's not my favorite thing.  I like the doing.  I like checking the boxes.  I like the accomplishing. But here I am in the waiting.  Waiting demands trust. ..and so it is that God is growing my faith and teaching me to trust more fully. 

Distraction

During Lent this year,  I'm fasting from Facebook. I found myself checking in on Facebook and checking out from the present all too often. So I decided that I would fast from Facebook and whenever I felt the urge to scroll through my newsfeed,  I would pray.

It's been a really great gift.  I find myself more present and engaged in people and relationships.  I've also checked in on Sundays (a.k.a. "mini Easter") and posted quotes, pictures of the kids,  and about worship.  And I've invited people to message me their prayer requests. So then during the week,  when I think "I should check Facebook" I remind myself instead to pray for those who've asked. 

Tonight,  I thought,  "I should just go on." And then I thought,  "No, you should pray." I wondered what compels me so strongly to read Facebook and I thought,  it's a desire to have an outlet.  I want a place to disconnect from reality and be free of present circumstances or worries. I can ansent-mindedly scroll and pretend like I've "done" something.  But it's not what my heart really needs.  And this fast is a regular reminder of that.

What my heart needs is God. If I'm  lonely,  if I'm hurting,  if I want to check out. ..I need God. And so, through this fast, I check in with God instead of Facebook, praying for my true needs to be met and praying for all those who are on my heart. 

Necessary reminders

When I was going through a hard time, I talked to a colleague to get some advice. He was incredibly helpful and in the conversation said, "Remember this: you're not hopeless, you're not helpless, and you're not alone."  It was a trying time, and those reminders were both helpful and necessary. 

Last night I learned that a high school friend had taken his own life.  I was shocked and heartbroken.  And having experienced that kind of darkness before in my life, I knew how dark and isolating and awful it is.  And I wished that I could have shared these simple truths with him too...

You're not hopeless.

You're not helpless.

You're not alone.

The darkness will try to convince you otherwise. And it can be awfully persuasive. But I also know, the darkness lies. 

Though it might be impossible to feel and ridiculous to believe...there is always hope and there is help and we are not alone. 

I believe in the light and hope and redemption of the Gospel and so I trust in God's saving grace even in the midst of such tremendous pain. 

May we all be reminded and always know, we are not hopeless. We are not helpless. And we are not alone. 

"I don't want you to hurt yourself"

I'm learning a lot about God through my kids these days.  It seems the regular lessons I teach (and re-teach) our 4 year old seem to have a lot of resonance or theological perspective for me.  For instance....This week Ruth was wanting to do an art project. She had been painting and wanted to cut the page. So she went upstairs to get a pair of scissors.  Now, she uses scissors a lot and does a great job of only cutting the paper and not cutting fabric, hair, or herself.  But, she doesn't do a lot of walking with scissors, let alone down the stairs.

When I saw her coming down, scissors in hand (incorrectly) I hurried up the stairs and stopped her. I asked her to give me the scissors so I could show her how to hold them correctly and not get hurt.  She refused. I asked again. She refused. I grabbed the scissors. She pulled away. I pulled them out of her hand.  She stormed off in tears to her room.  I called after her to no avail.  So, I took the scissors to my room and told her to come talk to me when she is ready to learn how to hold them correctly. 

A few minutes later she came in and started scrounging around (trying to find the scissors).  I asked if she was ready to learn and she fussed at my and stormed out again.  Another minute later she came in tears and mad, but asking if I would show her how to hold the scissors. 

So I showed her the different ways and different dangers in holding them. Then I showed her how to hold them correctly, first in my hand, then in hers. Then she was free to go do her project. 

As I reflected on the incident, I couldn't help but think that's how we I sometimes am with God. Sometimes I want to do something and I want to do it my way and on my terms.  God has no objection to what I want to do, only what I'm doing and the risks involved in getting there. So God says, "slow down, let me help you." and I object. "No, I can do this myself." God insists, "...trust me, I don't want you to get hurt, please let me help you."  And, bull-headed as I am, I object. But God knows what is good for me. God wants what is best for me. And God does not want to allow me to get hurt.  So God stops me. 

Can you see where this is going? 

I have to trust God--both as the know-er, and as the one who is benevolent toward me.  I have to be humble and accept (sometimes ask) for help.  Not because I'm incapable. In fact, quite the opposite. I'm very capable, I just need direction sometimes. 

Prayer for "in the ring"

O Lord, you have given me strength and capacity for so much.  I know I can do a lot and try to be faithful with all that is on my plate. But it seems like the hits just keep on coming. If it’s not one thing it’s the next. And when I think the pressure might ease up, there seems to be another “something” that surfaces.  I know you are not in the ring against me. You are there as a trainer and a coach.  But I sure wish there was an intermission or something to regroup and have a little help with a few more things.  Guide me. Direct me. Hold me. Strengthen me. Protect me.  In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.