Word to the not-so-wise

I say "to the not-so-wise" because my guess is that the wise would already have intuited this....

First a little background....I've mentioned before that I get migraines.  Fortunately, this year during Lent I prayed against the migraines and had a couple the first week and then only one killer migraine the week of our mission trip. But otherwise I have been headache free.  Now, it would be fair to say that someone gave me a couple of meds to try at the outset of trouble and I have used some of those...whether or not they would have turned into full fledged migraines is questionable. 

Another key detail is that last summer my doctor prescribed a migraine med along with some others (asthma etc) and when I went to fill the prescription the pharmacy said it would cost $75.  In addition to the$35 for the 3 others (at the time and under the circumstances) there was no way.  So despite my constant fight with migraines, I didn't get the prescription, I just stuck with over the counter medications and hoped for the best.  Well, in April (after the migraine from Hell in Mississippi) I had enough money for the medication and finally ordered it (only I had lost the script by then so my doctor had to call it in and only ordered me 3 pills....).

Ok, so fast forward to our plane ride home from our honeymoon time in Mexico.  We got on the plane and I was getting the beginning signs of a migraine and decided to take something. I debated between the med my friend had given me and the new prescription and went with the latter.

That was a really bad idea.  After about 10-15 minutes it kicked in and I was dizzy, had hot flashes, felt my chest constrict like there was a large person sitting on it, and had a heightened sensitivity for pain.  In case you're not asthmatic or have never had trouble (real trouble) breathing, let me just say that not being able to breathe might just be the scariest experience--EVER.  I began to cry as my body felt out of control and I struggled to breathe.  It wasn't the small straw breathing, but the weight on your chest breathing.  I was so scared I struggled to even tell R why I was crying (I think he thought it was still linked to the book I was reading which had caused me to cry earlier.).  I used both of my inhalers and could breathe, but still had the weight and the hot flashes and the dizziness (later when I ate and drank something it felt like my throat was super small). I looked for benadryl but did not find any.

I can't say that I would have gone to the hospital had I had that experience on the ground, but I will say that trying a new med while thousands of feet in the air is not a great plan. In fact it's a dumb idea.  I'm not sure why it didn't occur to me that I could have had trouble with it (probably b/c I have never had an allergic reaction to a medicine before) but it scared the you-know-what out of me. 

So here's my advice: never try a new medicine when you are in any remote location (be that in a plane, on a boat, in the woods, or simply in another country where you aren't guaranteed the medical attention you might need...). 

(Gratefully, once I was able to calm myself down and convince myself that even though it was tough to breathe I wasn't going to suffocate I relaxed more and later the side effects began to fade....though I did have the shakes in the middle of the night when I got home...I assumed once the med was finally through my system....)

Leadership choices

This year we had a number of changes in leadership.  And by "a number" I mean the chair of EVERY major committee changed.  In some ways that was really stupid on my part.  Training all new leadership requires a fair amount of time and energy (not that it's not worth it) and that extra time should be allotted for.  In comparing (sometimes helpful sometimes not) the different folks from the two years, I have a couple of observations I offer for what they are worth:

• when you choose people for the personnel committee, they have to be willing and able to handle conflict with tact.  They need to be not only nice people who care about others, but also people willing to confront someone when they are not doing their job in all the ways they are required to.  People who run from conflict will not get the job done.  As a note, there are many (most?) people who hate conflict. Not many (healthy/stable) people run toward it, but the person who dislikes it is different from the person who refuses to engage it.
• when you choose the person who will lead the meetings, choose someone who can stay on task and get to the point (this might be a personal preference b/c I am task oriented and like getting the job done, but really who likes being in a meeting that lasts 2 hours when it should only take 30 minutes just so everyone can share a story?!?!) 
• The people on finance committee should be willing to ask hard questions (repeatedly if necessary) in order to clean things up (supposing they are messy), and should be committed to faithful stewardship personally and corporately, they should also be willing to do fundraising (and able to encourage and empower others to do fundraising).  
• Some people will require more training than others.  Their need for additional instruction is not a testament to how well they will do as a leader, only that they have received less instruction along the way. 
• Sometimes giving people a fresh start and not asking too many questions about their past is helpful, it can offer a new (grace-filled) opportunity where they don't have to fight an uphill battle just to get started. It can also be problematic if (negative) past behaviors are sure to re-present themselves.  

I'll leave it at that for now.  Feel free to add your own. 

What's in a name?

So in 12 days I will be a married woman. It's a bit of a crazy thought to think I will be married next week. That's nuts. I realize we've been on the marriage train officially for a year this week, but somehow in the timeline of my life, it never seemed like it would be this close.  

Surprisingly (?!?!) I am not anxious or worried or any of those things. Last week my mind finally had freedom after I finished the concert, my brain kicked into high gear about all the things that still need to be done for the wedding and I hit super stressed and mildly cranky.  It's all detail work at this point and if nothing else happens, the wedding will still go on.  We will be married and there will still be a party and we will still leave for a honeymoon in Mexico(provided the passport glitches get worked out this week....if not, we're going somewhere.  Period.) 

But this week I passed out of cranky and into super excited. I'm getting married next week!!!  Period.  =)

But there's this other reality that I am having trouble wrapping my head around is that I will be changing my name.  That's not a huge deal to me in and of itself, (not yet anyway), the stranger part is thinking of what that title means to people.  I mean "Mrs. Sperry" will be me. I will be "Mrs. Sperry."  But my mother in law (*to be) is Mrs Sperry; and I am not her.  And, for that matter, my new sister in law to be is also Mrs. Sperry.  I'm not her either.  So, to take on that name in some way merges my identity with theirs and I'm not quite sure what it means to be a Sperry and not a Camphouse.  Not that I'm not a Camphouse, I'll always be one of them, but you know, I won't be known as a Camphouse.  And then you could argue that I could use my title to distinguish myself from the other Sperry women.  I could be known as "Rev. Sperry" or "Pastor Sperry" and in that way have my own identity. But you'd be wrong again. Because "Rev. Sperry" was R's dad.  (Was because he passed away over 2 years ago now....) but he was the Pastor Sperry who was well known.  Oh yeah, and R is clergy (though he doesn't use the title) but that's his title too.  So, being "Rev. Sperry" won't feel like an identity of my own either.  

I'm not saying it's good or bad either way. I'm trying to say it's new and different and I'm not quite sure how to process it fully yet.  It's bizarre to have created an identity and reputation for myself and with just 4 simple signatures (mine, R's, the pastor's, and a witness') all of that will change. 

A new stage in church life

Yesterday I mentioned my time with the girls. I am deeply blessed that the girls love to come and sit with me and join me in leading worship. My hope is that it makes them feel more and more comfortable themselves, that as they grow up they will move from sitting in my lap to lighting the candles, to reading scripture, to leading prayer, or teaching Bible study, or going on missions. I hope that their comfortability in church lays a firm foundation for their future discipleship.

One little one has already progressed from lap sitting to candle lighting and yesterday I witnessed a new stage: she's learned to read, so now she can read the words on the screen and sing along.  At times when I am able, I've tried to prompt the kids with the words to a song so they can sing too, but it doesn't work all that well. But I can tell you that my heart was overwhelmingly full as I sat next to this young girl (I think she's 6 now) and listened to her sing the words she could read for herself.  

I could just feel the empowerment. She didn't need to rely on someone else to include her in worship, she was finally able to join for herself and it was really cool.  Reflecting on it, it makes me grateful that we are a church that is dedicated to education, not just of the Bible, but in general, that we want people to be able to read the word of God for themselves and to be empowered...they cease being dependent on someone else (who may or may not have their best interest in mind) and can go seek God (and God's word and our worship) all on their own.

It was truly amazing. Simple. But profound.

Breathe

Well, let’s just say the last month or so has been insane.  I did the planning and preparation for our trip to Mississippi. I collaborated with 2 other planners, but was responsible for 23 of the group (paperwork, money, scholarships, etc).  we made it safely to Mississippi and had an amazing time.  We were at a different camp in a different city this year. Our projects were varied (as is normal), but, as usual, it was life-changing (particularly for the first-time missioners). 

It was also pretty revealing to me about some of the greater things I need to work on in regard to leadership.  Yet, even in that hard learning, I am also able to use what we did there for practical teaching within the church, which is always awesome. 

At the end of the trip, I got the worst migraine I’ve had in nearly a year and wanted to just die. I also managed to get some sort of stomach bug and ended up sick Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday and then still just zapped of all energy the next couple of days.  So, I tried to lay low (or as low as possible) and then slowly got back into the swing of things.  Only trouble was a week of mission plus company left me with about 13 loads of laundry!!!  I think I’ve mentioned it before, but I am not a big fan of laundry. I don’t mind the washing part…you know because the machine does that work. It’s the folding and putting away that kills me.  But, I survived.

In the midst of all that, there was still work to be done, a wedding to plan, and a concert to work on.  So there wasn’t a true break, just the best break I could imagine being sick in the middle of the busiest time ever. 

I keep trying to grasp for a break or a breathe or something, but I still keep grasping. There’s an occasional glimpse, but still plenty to do, so I keep on going.  I am fairly certain that somewhere there is an end to this crazy roller coaster ride I got myself on! 

Now we are one week away from the concert and are working our tails off to sell as many tickets as we can.  I’ve also chronicled some of the obstaclesand problems we’ve encountered and it’s hard to believe we are finally there.  Whether there’s 20 people or 2000 people, the bands are paid and will put on a concert.  We’d love to have 2500-3000 people because we’d reach our goal of sponsoring a whole house for someone still living in a FEMA trailer! That would be awesome. And God would totally get the credit because with all the obstacles we’ve faced, and the size of a church we are, there’s no way we could have done it without God.  So, we’re praying, and fliering, and praying, and hoping, and finalizing details, and praying that all will work out well. 

If you live near the IE or want to travel to Riverside for a very cool charity concert, click here or here or more info!

Cherished Moments

Yesterday was "Family Camp Sunday" where we wear our jeans and camp shirts and come to church "camp style". We worshiped in the fellowship hall instead of the sanctuary and sang camp songs and had more foibles than a normal Sunday, and it was all part of the experience.

Part of the joy of being a family is the presence of all the generations, young and old and everything in between.  At family camp we invite the youth to come up and do motions and help lead worship, and the same was true yesterday.  Nevermind the fact that I am the most outgoing 'youth' up there, they were there, dancing and jumping and doing the motions. And the little ones came up and held my hands and jumped and danced and laughed and smiled through those songs.  

And when we sat in between, they would sit really close and snuggle in as they sat with me. 

Then, when I went up to preach, one came up and held tight for some extra TLC, and then another saw she was up there and she too came up. Now, I know for some this is distracting and difficult. It causes them to lose their focus or feel disrupted or disrespected, but I love it. I love that the kids feel so comfortable with me and the church body that they can just walk right up when they are ready to, when they want a hug or a cuddle.  The only complicating factor was that the lapel mic wasn't working so I had to switch hands to hold the mic and hold the girls, but it was fun.  I was happy to have them there.  I want them to feel free to be themselves in worship. I relish in those moments.  

Then their parents felt uncomfortable, embarrassed even, so the girls were called back to their seats and I kept on preaching.  But it was good. They were good moments and I am grateful for them!

Do you ever just want to throw down?

(“throw down” means fight…I’m guessing it alludes to throwing down your gloves or something, but I can’t tell you for sure)

So, there have been an inordinate number of problems and conflicts at the church lately. As is usually the case with church business, I can’t detail most of it here, but let’s just say it’s been way too much at once. I have been overwhelmed and often feel totally ill-equipped to do the job I do. There have been personality issues, staff issues, moral issues, and more. 

But one of the things that has been particularly striking to me is how being so tired and frustrated has led me to want to just lay down the law and fight. (I need to say here I’m not a fighter. I’ve never been in a fight. I have never thrown a punch. I’ve never even been hit. I was only challenged once in High school and that was because I called someone out as lazy and ridiculous in class and she was not thrilled (go figure) and she came after me after class. I let her throw her insults and threats, looked around and saw my friends had left me, but I stood my ground, and she walked away…no fight. ) and when I say here that I want to fight, it’s typically not a physical fight I’m ready for. I’m much quicker with words. 

When people act out or act a fool and seriously disrupt things, my desire is to tear them apart with words. I have been tempted to put folks in their place. Now, I know this isn’t the normal type of confession you’d expect from a pastor, but it’s the reality of how I’ve felt.

Now, fortunately, I have had enough sense not to say anything. I’m typically pretty good at diplomacy. But I need to say it has taken extra concentration and patience lately. I have not wanted to be super nice with my words. I’ve wanted to be straightforward and blunt. Not p.c. or nice.

Gratefully, I held my tongue, and in doing so, I encountered greater wisdom about how to handle some very difficult situations and things are better in many areas. (Others still need the right words and I’m getting there with caution and patience). 

So, here’s looking forward to more days of non-violence (both with word and with deed).

Leadership reflection

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about wanting folks to change, but feeling inept in helping them do it.  Then my brother commented that he had learned from a speaker that if you are going to ask someone else to change, that you should change one thing about yourself first and reflect on what it took to get you from point A to point B.  To be honest, when he said it, I thought to myself, “I don’t know what I need to change.”  Really. I thought about it a fair amount and couldn’t come up with anything specific that really needed to change (particularly in regard to my ministry).

Well, this week I was away on mission in Mississippi and it was apparently my time for seeing myself a little more clearly.  There is something about being away from home, distanced from the “right now” needs of my congregation that allows me to see things a bit more clearly.

My first dose of self-reflection came on day 1 on the job  site.  I had been asked to join the dry wall team by my former head of trustees.  He’s done SOOO much to help me at the church and the parsonage, and is an all around good guy (so good we consider he and his wife like family) that I could hardly say no.  So I went.  I spent a fair amount of the day teaching the other women (none of whom had “mudded” before) how to do the different parts of the job. 

Now, if you’ve never mudded drywall before, you should know that corners are the hardest part.  To do them really well (at least how I was taught) you should only do them once (verses regular joints that require 3-4 layers of mud).  They require a certain level of finesse. Knowing that they are hard, I was slightly reluctant to teach the newbies and would have preferred to just do it myself, but instead I decided to teach.  I tried to teach the first woman and was not terribly successful.  I wasn’t explaining it well and kept trying to correct her technique but managed only to make her very self-conscious, so she gave up the job.  I gave her friend the option, I said, “Do you want to try it, or do you want me to just do it.”  A willing learner, she said she’d try it.  From my mistakes with mudder #1 I decided to try a new teaching technique—hands on.  I had her hold the tool and then I held her hand to teach her the right amount of pressure to apply.  She did a better job with it and stuck with it.  Now, I’m not sure if she had a “knack” for it, or if the different teaching technique made that much of a difference, but they were able to continue with their work in the bathroom. 

Now, in that time I saw how quickly I was ready to reassign them to a different job and just do the harder portions myself.  I was willing to teach, but only if they were quick to pick it up. Now, that wasn’t my conscious thought about it, but rather what I saw in retrospect.  (Remember, hindsight is 20/20).  And I was disturbed by what I saw.  I tend to think of myself as a patient teacher, but could easily see how I do much the same thing in other instances at the church.  I’m willing to teach someone how to do a job, but if they don’t pick it up quickly, I just step in and handle it.  I could name specific instances here, but I would also be calling out particular staff or volunteers and that wouldn’t be fair, so I’ll keep the examples to myself. 

I get focused on getting the job done and don’t always have a good appreciation for the process.  In mission work, especially with inexperienced volunteers, you have to be more about the mission than the task.  That was part of our orientation Sunday night—you have a task (the job at hand) and a mission (healing hearts and homes) and the mission is the most important part of the work you will do.  While it may seem obvious, I’ve never thought about church (meaning on the church campus and the daily affairs of church life) in those terms.  I focus on the task a lot, and I should be focusing on the mission more: making disciples of Jesus Christ—it’s not just about offering a good class or quality program or amazing worship, but it is also important to utilize the process and focus on the mission. 

I am by no means fully reformed, but I do think I did a better job on Day #2 when I took some folks back to camp in the afternoon to work on a different job.  We were asked to build a hanging rack for the yard tools (rakes, shovels, brooms, etc).  We were given a basic design, which we had to modify, and got to work.  We needed to use a chop saw, a skil saw, and a nail gun to finish the job.  I know how to use the nail gun and the chop saw, and one of the other women knew how to use the skil saw (sort of) and I easily could have just made the cuts and done the nailing, but I was able to step back (thanks to day #1 of learning) and see that teaching them to use each tool and giving them that experience was just as important (if not more so) than accomplishing the task.  So I made sure each woman had a chance to use the nail gun and the chop saw as we did our project.  I also made sure that we worked together on planning the project.  So we brain stormed through each of the modifications to make sure we were thinking through each of the possibilities to have the best possible outcome. 

And, the end result was, everyone learned a new skill, contributed to the project, and…

Here’s the finished product!

Feeling inept

I'm good at things.  I'm good at a lot of things actually.  I'm a fairly competent person and those things I don't know how to do, I can typically learn.  (or I just avoid them so no one will actually realize the limits of my abilities.) But these last couple of weeks at work have left me feeling inept--not completely, just partially. 

I am struggling with how to articulate new concepts to "old dogs".  I am really struggling with knowing I need/want someone(s) to do something differently, but have no idea how to teach them how to do it differently.  I just want them to know already!!!  

I feel like I'm hitting my head against a wall and not making progress, like I've maxed out my abilities and should simply move on.  I know that's not how it works. I know that's not how I will grow.  I know that the only way I will ever know how to deal with such things is to learn how to deal with them now.  It just seems like the bell curve got awfully steep again.  

Strike that, I don't think there is anything resembling a bell curve for me, maybe more like mesa flats...

crazy steep ascent...fairly banal long walk across the top to lull you into thinking you're good, and then an easy high speed drop back to the bottom that convinces you are invincible and can do anything...

...until, of course, you come face to face with the next sheer climb straight up.

Yep, that sounds more like it. No bell curves for me..just mesa flats!

Practicing balance

So, now that I've written about how hard it is to maintain the balance, I will attempt to do it. I have a fax to send a couple of emails to send and  a fax to send, and then the plan is to take the rest of the day to restore balance to my soul.  These last few weeks have been extra full and have not allowed for my regular sabbath practices. So I am tired. I've been more emotional, more edgy, and much less patient and it's time for there to be some balance again.  R did a TON of work at the house yesterday. He cleaned, did laundry, washed dishes, and put stuff away, which will help me be able to simply relax and not worry about doing all of those things myself.

We bought extra plants for the garden yesterday since some seeds aren't sprouting, so I'm going to plant those. I hope to journal (and maybe blog) some more.  

I mean even brave the threshold of the quilting room and try and get some things done in there too.  

That is, of course, hoping there are not hospital calls...

Faith work vs. faith walk

I read this today on Joe's blog: "'At the age of 25, I was a full-time pastor and a part-time Christ follower.' It’s a difficult sentence to read due to the reality of it.  Even in ministry, it’s easy to put my commitment to Jesus on the back burner, but think that I’m doing everything for Jesus, when in reality the passion for ministry has taken place the passion for Jesus."

This is a concept I struggle with from time to time.  It's hard for me to distinguish "my" Jesus commitment as opposed to my "work" Jesus commitment.  I think the distinction might be easier if I held a secular job.  It would be an easy test: "Am I praying? Am I going to worship? Am I serving others? Am I studying God's word? Am I taking time to build deep and meaningful relationships with others?  Am I growing in faith?  Am I being stretched?"

But some (or most?) days I don't know that I think that's a fair question to ask as a pastor.  Granted, part of it is valid...the part where what I do needs to feed me and often as clergy we end up giving so much that we don't nurture our own souls.  But when I teach (and learn from) two or three Bible studies a week, when I pray throughout the day for and with people, when I am serving others from morning 'til night with barely a chance to breathe or even process my day...I'm not sure that the reasonable question to ask is, "Are you doing more than this?"

Maybe it's the place I'm in. Maybe if I allowed my faith to be less central to the work I do it would be fair to tell me I should be doing more.  Maybe I shouldn't be interpreting this question as meant for all clergy, but rather as meant for some clergy (or even those in ministry who aren't clergy).

I remember a few months back I had preached (maybe on sabbath--the fourth commandment?) and afterward one of my parishioners who works for Christian radio came outside and told me he was really struggling to hold the balance--between work and personal life.  When your work is faith work, there seems to be an added something...importance? immediacy? relevance?  I don't know the right word, but something that says, "you shouldn't let this slide...this is God's work after all."  I mean really, you can't tell me it's easy to ignore a hospital call on your sabbath, or to not check in with that person you have been meaning to check in with all week because it's your sabbath.  It's hard for most of us to put work aside and take a full day to be restored and rest.  Arguably, I would say it's harder for those who do "God's work" to refuse to do that work for the sake of self--well-being, health, sanity.  

Easter sermon

This became this.

Happy Easter!

Hope for Judas

I have had Judas on my heart for the last couple of days.  There are lots of people who demonize him for his betrayal of Jesus.  Others who demonize him for committing the "egregious" sin of suicide.  (This is their term...not mine).  

But these last two days have given me a heart and a sense of compassion for Judas.  I posted the other day that holy week has been not-so-holy this year and that I believe it was not-so-holy the year Jesus died.  And when things are not holy, there is often a palpable presence of evil.

I don't know if you've ever felt the power of evil...the presence of evil...not simply in some emotional-temptation way, but in a physical way....cold, weighty, dark.  It's debilitating. It's suffocating. 

Some of you know I struggle with depression, off an on from time to time. I'd generally call it situational depression...it may be more akin to grief (because it typically happens with a major move, which involves lots of grief or a really bad situation, which would also involve grief) but I'd say it's more than grief for it's staying power and for the ways it drains me of any and all desire to do anything. And, for the very few occasions that it has so possessed me that I have been ready to die.  I would have called myself suicidal.  

Being in a place that dark and having those thoughts is a desperately scary place to be.  It's lonely. It's isolating. And, as one might assume, it can be deadly.  There is no reason there. Logic won't work. I remember counseling a friend one summer in college.  She was suicidal.  I knew from previous conversations that she had been there before and so somehow I wasn't alarmed when she told me that summer.  We talked and I reminded her about her family and how much they loved her and the life ahead of her and....and...and...it didn't matter.  There was no reasoning with her. The place of darkness and despair where she was did not welcome logic.  

I do not remember how our conversation ended.  But I do know that she is still alive and well today.  It wasn't until later that year that I finally had a glimpse of that reason-less place where she had been.  I hit rock bottom emotionally and it felt like there was no coming up for air.  I was ready to die.  Really ready to die. I had a plan. I had the means.  The only thing I hadn't determined was the time and place.  I don't know what stopped me then, but I am grateful I did not go ahead with my plan.

It had occurred over a school break and when I returned I went to a staff meeting for the dorms and there we learned that one of the supervisors for the dorms had been murdered in Mexico.  I did not know him well. I had only met him once or twice, but I was devastated by his death.  And I was struck by the fact that someone's death can reach so far, even to those who have only seen a person from afar or met in a brief encounter and I was ashamed that I had even considered taking my own life.  But again, there had been no logic in that place.  

Yesterday I felt the overwhelming presence of evil.  I couldn't even track it to one particular moment or thing, but it was there--dark and heavy.  Deadening, sucking the life out of me.  And I thought of Judas.  I thought of how powerful the presence of evil must have been that week.  How consuming it had to have been to convince the masses that Jesus, the Son of God needed to die.  I'm sure it was palpable.  I doubt there was much reason available there--we see that in the trials of Christ.  Not reason, just accusation and judgment.  And then Judas' betrayal in the garden.  But more striking still, his suicide.  I'm sure that by collaborating to kill your friend, your mentor, you teacher, a great healer, and the Son of God, that the presence of evil became suffocating.  My guess is the only way Judas thought he would ever breathe again was to die. And I hurt for him. I hurt that he didn't know that death on the cross would not be the end of the story. My heart broke that he would never hear or see that part of the gospel--the part where Jesus raises from the dead after he has conquered sin and death.  

Judas didn't know the story.  So he didn't have the hope.  He couldn't have the hope for it had not yet happened.  And there was no possibility of finding the light in the midst of the darkness.  And I hurt for him. 

And then it occurred to me that there are others in Judas' place...no they haven't facilitated the death of Jesus--not in that direct way...but they are like Judas in that they don't know the story.  So they don't have the hope.  And without the story, without the hope, there is no possibility of finding the light in the midst of the darkness.  

And that's where our responsibility lies.  For those of us that know the story, we must spread the gospel--the hope.  We must make known the rest of the story--the part where death and sin and shame do not have the final word, and we must shine God's light for people so that they might know there is the possibility of escaping the darkness--of finding life (again).

Making people cry

I think I might be a bit twisted.  Last night I hosted the stations of the cross for my church and our neighbor Arlington UMC.  We had just over 40 people I think.  And I couldn't help but feel satisfied when people walked away crying.  I know. It's weird.  That's why I started with, "I think I might be a bit twisted."  

I'm not sure I want to say, "I like it when people cry."  It's not like I try to make people cry at every turn.  And I definitely don't like tears because someone has been deeply wounded.  But in general, I'm good with tears.  When I'm ministering to someone tears give me a good read on the person.  I used to hate dealing with people who were grieving in the hospital but wouldn't cry. The stolid folks made me nervous. (On occasion they still do, but not to the degree that they used to).  But the criers, I could work with them. I knew how to comfort them and care for them.  I didn't worry that they were shutting me out.  Instead I just got to be a caregiver.  

Last night's pleasure was similar, but probably at least a little bit different.  Last night's pleasure at seeing people cry was more related to the fact that their tears (at least in my mind) meant that had been touched by the stations...more importantly, that they had been touched by what Christ did for them, for each of us.  

I had one woman come up to me and just fall into me as she wept.  She said a number of things that were hard to decipher between sobs, but mostly I just held her and then I heard..."he really loves me doesn't he?"  Yes, he does.  Score one for the gospel coming alive and hitting home! 

Not-so-holy week

Holy week gained it's title after the fact, and I'm sure it was deemed holy because of Easter (the resurrection) not because of anything else.  I mean, think about it.  Mob mentality. Persecution. Pride. Ignorance. Betrayal. Murder.  Not really a holy combination.  

And yet, in the church we honor and celebrate holy week as if the whole week were holy.  Now, maybe you were fortunate enough to have a really blessed holy week.  I was not.  This has been a miserably hard week in the church.  I have been reminded again and again of how broken and fallible we all are.  I have been reminded that I still have a lot to learn and there are many things that were not taught in seminary.  I have been reminded that the power of evil is overwhelming.  It can be suffocating and completely devastating.

Now, it hasn't been all bad.  There have been praise reports and glimmers of hope.  There is a man who has had a foot infection for 22 months who came to have me lay hands on him and pray who later in the week reported that his foot was healing at a rate of 10 days worth in 24 hours...in other words, what should have taken 10 days to happen, took only 1.  I praise God for that!!  

There have also been reminders that people care and that God is doing many marvelous things in our midst.  But it has also been really hard.  It is the reminder that I still desperately need Easter...it's not a one time redemption/celebration, instead it is a regular reminder that Christ has conquered sin and death--that guilt and shame and evil do not have the last word. Christ does.  God prevails at the end of those not-so-holy weeks.  

There is hope.  There is cause for celebration.  There are also reminders that we are sinful people in desperate need of God's saving grace. 

Blessed

Last week I wrote about the drama that has been involved in planning our May 8th concert.  The latest was a production company who priced themselves out of the game and left us stranded just weeks from the event.  Well, we got to work and made many calls and sent some emails and the response was great.  It made me appreciate the Methodist system, I had emails from at least 8 different people offering options and places to go and referrals to companies they had worked with.

The one that panned out?  A local guy who does the city's major Christmas festival.  He's been amazing to work with.  He's earnest. He's reasonable.  He works hard.  He goes above and beyond.  It has been a blessing. Last week I was NOT so grateful that we were starting all over on this part of the planning.  This week I am so grateful we have somebody who gets our larger mission on board!

Mental health

About a month ago I was in DC for a conference put on by GBCS for young clergy. I had an amazing roommate that I talked and processed with each night. MJ you rock!  And as I shared about all that I am working on and doing these days she (as a chaplain) asked if I was seeing a counselor. I said no, that I had considered it, and even got authorization for it from our insurance, but hadn't pursued it.  She didn't push it, but did encourage me to use that resource as a support in ministry.  Calling around to find a good counselor in the midst of calling caterers, florists, and cake places did not sound feasible or fun, but she thought I might be able to find the time anyway.

Then a couple days later, I was able to meet up (all to briefly) with a good friend from college who lives in the area and as I shared with her, she too encouraged me to see a counselor. I said I'd consider it.  

So, after being home and getting a few things handled at church and surviving the week of too many hospital visits, I called around and set up 2 appointments with counselors to see who might be best.  

Let me just say, I've had some bad experiences.  3 to be exact.  One really good experience with an amazing pastoral counselor in seminary and 3 bad experiences. 1 in college that wasn't horribly bad, just not good. It was mediocre and I didn't have the gumption or knowledge in those days to say, "this isn't working, can I see someone else?"  And then a HORRIBLE experience with a spiritual director during my first appointment.  She was so bad I considered never doing counseling again. And then another woman who seemed to hit all the wrong buttons when I worked with her. I made it two sessions and couldn't take it. So I left.  

So, I know counseling is a good and helpful thing.  I also know that finding the right counselor can be time consuming and even frustrating.  But I made the calls anyway.  Thursday, I met with counselor #1 and really felt comfortable. She was easy to talk to and I like her approach.  She even talked about some new theory on mental health that doesn't attribute everything to a mental illness, but deals with "compound trauma".  I haven't read it myself, so I won't expand here, but I'm interested in it and think it could be helpful in dealing with various folks in my life, both professionally and personally. 

So I scheduled another appointment and cancelled with the other lady for next week and am looking forward to being able to share openly without breaking confidentiality and for some added perspective on my work and my life.  

Here's to balance and good mental health!

the concert saga continues...

For months we've been working on a BIG concert to raise money for a family still living in a FEMA trailer after Hurricane Katrina, so they can have their own home again. This has been a MAJOR undertaking one I have regretted often as it becomes frustrating or overwhelming.  This will likely be the biggest single event my church has ever put on. The original discussion started in April last year after we got back from Mississippi and 3 missioners shared their stories with the church.  My people were automatically on board and wanted to raise money to fund a house.  Several ideas were thrown out there and the concert seemed like the one that could give us the most bang for our buck.  So we got to work and started planning.  Over the summer there were some obstacles, and the original Fall date was postponed.  We did a silent auction instead and raised over $5000.  After we finished that, we got to work on the concert again.  We worked on booking bands and a venue.

I need to say that when you are a small church that has not done this kind of event before, no one in the industry seems to have any sense of faith.  I suppose with good reason.  They've been burned by small churches with no experience who promised money or a big event and couldn't make it happen.  But one after another we heard from the nay-sayers...you can't pull this off!  And then they would proceed to drag their feet in helping or working with us. Contracts and offers took forever.  Emails were returned after weeks of waiting. It was a bit ridiculous.  After all, by slowing the process, they were only stacking the deck against us.  Their doubts seemed to want to morph into a self-fulfilling prophesy. 

But our group remained determined.  They continued to call and persevere.  And finally we got the band contract and had a 90% go from a venue....but they wouldn't move without the band names (and the bands didn't want to move without a contract from the venue...talk about a rock and a hard place).   So we met with venue #1 and they said there was a "conflict" with another group, and they would pursue a compromise.  So we waited.  And then "No."  We couldn't have the venue.  What?!  For months we had been working with them and planning on this, and now nothing.  Only 3 months from the concert day and nothing?  UGH!

So, we got to work.  And pursued other options. (All the while with the band company breathing down our neck and threatening to back out if we couldn't get a venue in a week--but actually ended up offering grace and more time and has been wonderful since we confirmed our venue!).  So, we got venue #2 lined up with only a few additional approvals needed.  Again, we were given the impression that we were about 80% confirmed.  And then, wham! Nothing.  Nope, we couldn't use them either.  (I could quote our major stumbling block but should probably keep those words out of this for now...)

Great....so, we scrambled yet again.  College campuses, high school football fields, other churches.  Calls, emails, visits.  A LOT of scrambling.  More options that got oh-so-close and then fell through. And then finally venue #3.  An area church.  (Whom we now love by the way...!!!) 

It took some more negotiating (apparently that's how this whole gig works) and we got the contract.  !!!!!!!!  Let me repeat...WE GOT THE CONTRACT!!!!  My mantra through all of this has been "Get it in writing!"  I'm sure R wants to smack me every time I say it, but with 2 failed venues and a lot of frustration, something in writing could have spared us. 

So now we are back to full boar planning.  We were able to add 2 more bands to the schedule and are working on concessions and publicity, and churches to sell tickets, and printing the actual tickets, etc, etc, etc.

We had our first committee meeting in months to go over the contract and the rider and all that is expected of us. We delegated some tasks and planned for our next meeting.  All was good.

Until...the production company decided charity was no longer important and priced themselves out of the game.  They wanted more than we are paying the bands.  A christian company that we've been working with for months who had offered to help, no longer helpful.  SUPER frustrating.  After R shared the news and headed to work yesterday, I screamed.  Literally. I screamed.  Seriously?!  Another obstacle...not just a little hiccup or bump on the road. No sound. No lighting. No stage. No media! You have GOT to be kidding me!

So, I did what I do best.  I cried.  I asked for prayers.  And I got to work.  After all, we ARE having this concert.  There's no way we are not.  (You hear me O Thrower of Evil Obstacles?!  We are having this concert because we follow Christ and believe in showing extravagant love and mercy and compassion to others!  We will make this work and God will be glorified O Ridiculous One Who Likes To Get In Our Way!) 

So Thursday I made calls, sent emails, sent faxes, made copies and tried to find a new production company.  (This is still in the works, but we have calls in and are praying...a lot...please pray for us...and for a charitable company that isn't so focused on money or ego that we can't work with them. And if you know a good company that works in the IE and would be reasonable and good to work with, PLEASE let me know. 

oh yeah, did I mention pray?!?! 

And/or, if you want tickets let me know.  Because we are putting on a concert with some amazing talent!

I used to be really good at self care.  I was stringent about it. I was particular.  I was known in seminary as a "sabbath nazi".  It was a term of endearment because I let no one steal away my precious sabbath time.  

Even at my first appointment I was good. I practiced the 2/3 day rule (you divide the work day into thirds and only work 2 parts...typically a 12 hour day, you only work 8 hours...so if I had night meetings, I might work the morning, take the afternoon off, and then go back for night meetings.  But I would rarely stay all day long and work the full 12 hours. I took sabbath regularly.  I had space, down time, did creative things, hiked, went on vacation...all of those good self-care things.  My SPRC (comprised of mostly women) loved me for it, affirmed me for it, and eagerly wanted those things for their lives too and would make strides to take sabbath themselves or to limit how much or how often they worked themselves.  

And then came a senior pastorate.  Now, I worked hard as an associate. I worked a lot of hours and did a lot of different things. When I left, they hired 3 separate people to do my job.  I worked a lot. But the work was different. Some days I covet being an associate and wish I were again. There seemed to be more time and space for creativity, more time to help with conference committees, more time for covenant groups and fellowship, more time to read, more time to think.  

Now, as a senior, I do lots of things...pretty much something of everything....from plunging toilets, to hospital visits, to preaching, to teaching, to washing cars, to answering phones.  Now, don't be deceived, I have a very active congregation, but I also think I should lead by example and I'm not afraid to get dirty if a job has to be done.  I'm not above answering phones or making copies.  I'm not exempt from work projects or potluck dinners.  I am also not exempt from staff issues, volunteer issues, money issues, trying to vision, trying to help others lead, etc, etc, etc.  And somehow, in the midst of taking on a new church, a new position, and later a new partner (soon to be husband) life got REALLY, really full.  And now, I pretty much stink at self care.  

Sabbaths are rarely fully sabbath...even if I take a day, there are still calls to visit someone in the hospital, calls with silly questions, calls from the homeless, issues that pop up that seem to neeeeeeed to be taken care of now! 

In my head, I know that there will always be more work, more issues and more demands. There will never be a day when they stop so I can take my day of sabbath.  But at the same time the faster and harder and more intensely that train rolls the harder it is to actually slow down fast enough to jump off for a day.

That's where I am today. Struggling with my own failures to honor the sabbath--a practice I LOVE and NEED!  

If you read the previous post you know I am trying to do more to take care of myself, and I am hoping to succeed.  I really do not want to go back to the land of burn out.  It was awful. It was painful. It was really hard to catch a ride out of that dark and dreary city.  So, that means I have to be intentional. I have to be diligent, and I might have to get a little "sabbath nazi" on those who try and interfere with some good old fashioned sabbath rest...

Moving on Up?

Last week I met with some local colleagues for coffee. We checked in about life and how things are going in general.  As we talked one colleague shared that he had a meeting with an SPRC that was not his own that night...he had been asked by the Bishop to move (and was confirmed and announced by the following Sunday to both his current and his future congregation).  His announcement provoked some further conversation amongst the rest of us.  Another colleague noted that he had had a meeting with the DS who noted he was near the end of his time in ministry (meaning near retirement age) and was therefore deserving of a "better" church.  By better the DS meant "bigger".  My colleague shared that he didn't need/want a "better" church and was happy to stay at his current church for the remainder of his tenure.  

There seems to be a mentality that bigger is better.  That's not new.  That's what our entire culture promotes. Bigger meal deals. Bigger houses. Bigger cars. Bigger closets...the list goes on.  So, it's not fully surprising that the church has bought into this mentality.  But it is a bit odd in my mind.  After all, that's not the biblical standard.

Last year after I was recommended for ordination, I received a call from a DS who congratulated me and then asked if I wanted to move.   Only having been at my current appointment for 8 months, I asked, "Why?"  The answer was, "Well, you'll be ordained, you could have a better church."  To which I responded, "Better?  Really? I'm at a church with no debt, no major conflict, and people who are dedicated to their discipleship...what exactly is a "better" church?"  Yes, those were my exact words.  I had (and still have) no desire to move.  I do not need to go "up" as "up" isn't always better.  

It was also interesting all of this came up at coffee last Wednesday because R had brought it up over the weekend. 

How long do you want to stay here?

Why?

How long do you want to stay here?

Why are you asking?

Because I want to know...

Do you want to leave?

No, how long do you want to stay here?  If they offered you a bigger church would you go?

(I'm not sure of my exact language after that point, but basically it was, "I'm not going to move simply to move up or follow some progression of expectation, I would move if I felt called to move or if the cabinet decided that was the best place for me to go.  But I also wouldn't move just so I could stay here....if that makes any sense. I would try to be faithful to my call and to God's leading...)

....I know...Methodist skeptics...I would also move if I got "traded" regardless of how odd the appointment seemed b/c I said I'd go where I was sent...I know our system isn't perfect, far from it....

The good news for this year is a move is not on my horizon (the bishop said so, I talked to her last week...I almost asked for it in writing)  =)

Back from the land of no-time-to-write

So, apparently my plan to post daily through Lent hasn't quite worked out.  I  wish it had, because blogging is really cathartic for me. And lately there's been a lot to cathart.  =)  I would say that while planning  a wedding while doing Advent and Christmas might have been one of my worst ideas, planning a wedding while also planning for and taking 23 missioners to the Gulf Coast and working on the biggest single event in your church's history, and planning summer camp (yeah...somewhere on the far back corner) AND planning a wedding all at the same time, is just about as ridiculous and insanely busy. 

Not to mention having various folks in the hospital, a family crisis, SPRC concerns, a few come to Jesus meetings, and general church work to do.  So when I don't post, know that it's because life is NUTS right now and many days it feels like there's hardly time to breathe....but more and more is coming into order for all of those things and with every task accomplished there is a little more breathing space and a little less stress. 

I'm gonna try not to ramble here, but to chunk my thoughts into coherent posts on a single issue or topic.  So, look for more writing in the next few days as I catch up on the happenings around here.

Fasting

We have been fasting throughout Lent.  At home, R and I have been fasting from TV.  Through the church devotional, I've been fasting from all kinds of things...

today is running water.  Before I got up and read the devo, I had dreams of laundry and dishes and cleaning the house.  Those plans were immediately limited when I read and realized I would have to make due today with only a few pots of water.  Only a few pots for drinking water, for cooking water, for handwashing.  No shower. No laundry.  No watering the garden. These things aren't huge. They aren't impossible.  But you'd be amazed how often you use running water throughout the day. 

When nature calls
to brush your teeth
to wash your hands
to rinse the dishes
to give the dogs water
to water the lawn
to wipe the counters
to shower
to do laundry

and the list goes on. 

Basic Instructions for Leading worship

Last night I met with my new (and 2 old) worship leaders to do some training and instruction.  These were the basic tips we went over:

·        Review materials (bulletin, scripture, prayer requests, announcements) before you start speaking

·        Plan ahead what you will say

·        Read scriptures ahead of time. Don’t be afraid to ask about pronunciation

o   For difficult names/cities, practice

o   Speak with confidence (remember, if you don’t know how to say it, most people won’t either, so just go with confidence!)

·        Speak clearly and enunciate

·        Bring something to write on or with (don’t simply rely on memory)

·        Speak with boldness and confidence

·        Don’t apologize or discredit yourself 

·        Remember God is a part of worship—all parts of it!

·        Remember we are all part of the body of Christ—when one member hurts, we all hurt, even if a need/concern has been heard before, it is important that we acknowledge the pain/trial of a sister/brother in Christ

·        As often as possible, acknowledge people by name

·        If someone is soft spoken, repeat what they have shared. 

·        Organize prayer concerns and announcements by theme before you get up to share them…try to think of either moving up or down emotionally (highs to lows, or vice versa)

Guest list

We finally decided on an invitation and placed the order.  And, by the grace of God, we made it in on a February promo even though we ordered in March, so we get our envelopes addressed for us!!!  WOO HOO!!!!

But, to have them do that, we have to send them all the addresses (go figure!) and so I've been filling in the spreadsheet for them:

Formal Name                    Names we Call them       Address                        City                   State       Zip

Mr. & Mrs. John Smith           John & Mary           X  Random Street       Somewhere      California   XXXXX

It's fairly straightforward for simple arrangements, but then there's the more complicated situations...grown children living in the home, grandparents and grandchildren who come to church, but no parents, 2 addresses, one family (for all intents and purposes), 4 "households" at one address....different last names and more!

It's do-able, but I keep thinking, "I sure hope no one gets offended if I do this wrong..."

Ministries in Africa

Shelvis and Nancy are amazing and inspiring people. The stories of their ministries in Africa incredible. Find them here to keep up with their adventures and learnings.

Quote of the day

“God, create the connections and open the doors for us to go where you would lead.” 

Prayer

Lord God, the mess before me is huge. I have no idea what to do next. I am not sure how to lead to find a vision. I can lead when I know where I am going, but don’t know how we will encounter your vision. Show me, show us, what to do. In Jesus’ name. amen.

Prayer

Lord, open my eyes and ears that I may hear and see clearly.  Illumine your word and show me what you want me to say. I need you Lord.  I know I don’t always recognize it, but I am desperate for you. I am lost without you.  I am so drained and feel like I have no words left in me.  Fill me up and show me what you would have me say. Through the power of the blood of the lamb, in the mighty name of Yahweh I pray.  Amen. 

Origins of Bridezilla

Wedding planning can be stressful. But, of course, you know that. What I think is expressed less often is that it can be hurtful—there are miscommunications, unmet expectations, and conflicts over all the decisions to be made, not to mention the heightened sensitivity because of the stress that makes you more susceptible to hurt feelings.

It was in a moment of hurt and frustration that it occurred to me why some women become “bridezilla”. After all, our anger and controlling behaviors typically stem from unhealed hurts. So, if the hurts that happen in the midst of wedding planning fester, then a bride becomes more reactive—more controlling…and hence….bridezilla.