the concert saga continues...

For months we've been working on a BIG concert to raise money for a family still living in a FEMA trailer after Hurricane Katrina, so they can have their own home again. This has been a MAJOR undertaking one I have regretted often as it becomes frustrating or overwhelming.  This will likely be the biggest single event my church has ever put on. The original discussion started in April last year after we got back from Mississippi and 3 missioners shared their stories with the church.  My people were automatically on board and wanted to raise money to fund a house.  Several ideas were thrown out there and the concert seemed like the one that could give us the most bang for our buck.  So we got to work and started planning.  Over the summer there were some obstacles, and the original Fall date was postponed.  We did a silent auction instead and raised over $5000.  After we finished that, we got to work on the concert again.  We worked on booking bands and a venue.

I need to say that when you are a small church that has not done this kind of event before, no one in the industry seems to have any sense of faith.  I suppose with good reason.  They've been burned by small churches with no experience who promised money or a big event and couldn't make it happen.  But one after another we heard from the nay-sayers...you can't pull this off!  And then they would proceed to drag their feet in helping or working with us. Contracts and offers took forever.  Emails were returned after weeks of waiting. It was a bit ridiculous.  After all, by slowing the process, they were only stacking the deck against us.  Their doubts seemed to want to morph into a self-fulfilling prophesy. 

But our group remained determined.  They continued to call and persevere.  And finally we got the band contract and had a 90% go from a venue....but they wouldn't move without the band names (and the bands didn't want to move without a contract from the venue...talk about a rock and a hard place).   So we met with venue #1 and they said there was a "conflict" with another group, and they would pursue a compromise.  So we waited.  And then "No."  We couldn't have the venue.  What?!  For months we had been working with them and planning on this, and now nothing.  Only 3 months from the concert day and nothing?  UGH!

So, we got to work.  And pursued other options. (All the while with the band company breathing down our neck and threatening to back out if we couldn't get a venue in a week--but actually ended up offering grace and more time and has been wonderful since we confirmed our venue!).  So, we got venue #2 lined up with only a few additional approvals needed.  Again, we were given the impression that we were about 80% confirmed.  And then, wham! Nothing.  Nope, we couldn't use them either.  (I could quote our major stumbling block but should probably keep those words out of this for now...)

Great....so, we scrambled yet again.  College campuses, high school football fields, other churches.  Calls, emails, visits.  A LOT of scrambling.  More options that got oh-so-close and then fell through. And then finally venue #3.  An area church.  (Whom we now love by the way...!!!) 

It took some more negotiating (apparently that's how this whole gig works) and we got the contract.  !!!!!!!!  Let me repeat...WE GOT THE CONTRACT!!!!  My mantra through all of this has been "Get it in writing!"  I'm sure R wants to smack me every time I say it, but with 2 failed venues and a lot of frustration, something in writing could have spared us. 

So now we are back to full boar planning.  We were able to add 2 more bands to the schedule and are working on concessions and publicity, and churches to sell tickets, and printing the actual tickets, etc, etc, etc.

We had our first committee meeting in months to go over the contract and the rider and all that is expected of us. We delegated some tasks and planned for our next meeting.  All was good.

Until...the production company decided charity was no longer important and priced themselves out of the game.  They wanted more than we are paying the bands.  A christian company that we've been working with for months who had offered to help, no longer helpful.  SUPER frustrating.  After R shared the news and headed to work yesterday, I screamed.  Literally. I screamed.  Seriously?!  Another obstacle...not just a little hiccup or bump on the road. No sound. No lighting. No stage. No media! You have GOT to be kidding me!

So, I did what I do best.  I cried.  I asked for prayers.  And I got to work.  After all, we ARE having this concert.  There's no way we are not.  (You hear me O Thrower of Evil Obstacles?!  We are having this concert because we follow Christ and believe in showing extravagant love and mercy and compassion to others!  We will make this work and God will be glorified O Ridiculous One Who Likes To Get In Our Way!) 

So Thursday I made calls, sent emails, sent faxes, made copies and tried to find a new production company.  (This is still in the works, but we have calls in and are praying...a lot...please pray for us...and for a charitable company that isn't so focused on money or ego that we can't work with them. And if you know a good company that works in the IE and would be reasonable and good to work with, PLEASE let me know. 

oh yeah, did I mention pray?!?! 

And/or, if you want tickets let me know.  Because we are putting on a concert with some amazing talent!

I used to be really good at self care.  I was stringent about it. I was particular.  I was known in seminary as a "sabbath nazi".  It was a term of endearment because I let no one steal away my precious sabbath time.  

Even at my first appointment I was good. I practiced the 2/3 day rule (you divide the work day into thirds and only work 2 parts...typically a 12 hour day, you only work 8 hours...so if I had night meetings, I might work the morning, take the afternoon off, and then go back for night meetings.  But I would rarely stay all day long and work the full 12 hours. I took sabbath regularly.  I had space, down time, did creative things, hiked, went on vacation...all of those good self-care things.  My SPRC (comprised of mostly women) loved me for it, affirmed me for it, and eagerly wanted those things for their lives too and would make strides to take sabbath themselves or to limit how much or how often they worked themselves.  

And then came a senior pastorate.  Now, I worked hard as an associate. I worked a lot of hours and did a lot of different things. When I left, they hired 3 separate people to do my job.  I worked a lot. But the work was different. Some days I covet being an associate and wish I were again. There seemed to be more time and space for creativity, more time to help with conference committees, more time for covenant groups and fellowship, more time to read, more time to think.  

Now, as a senior, I do lots of things...pretty much something of everything....from plunging toilets, to hospital visits, to preaching, to teaching, to washing cars, to answering phones.  Now, don't be deceived, I have a very active congregation, but I also think I should lead by example and I'm not afraid to get dirty if a job has to be done.  I'm not above answering phones or making copies.  I'm not exempt from work projects or potluck dinners.  I am also not exempt from staff issues, volunteer issues, money issues, trying to vision, trying to help others lead, etc, etc, etc.  And somehow, in the midst of taking on a new church, a new position, and later a new partner (soon to be husband) life got REALLY, really full.  And now, I pretty much stink at self care.  

Sabbaths are rarely fully sabbath...even if I take a day, there are still calls to visit someone in the hospital, calls with silly questions, calls from the homeless, issues that pop up that seem to neeeeeeed to be taken care of now! 

In my head, I know that there will always be more work, more issues and more demands. There will never be a day when they stop so I can take my day of sabbath.  But at the same time the faster and harder and more intensely that train rolls the harder it is to actually slow down fast enough to jump off for a day.

That's where I am today. Struggling with my own failures to honor the sabbath--a practice I LOVE and NEED!  

If you read the previous post you know I am trying to do more to take care of myself, and I am hoping to succeed.  I really do not want to go back to the land of burn out.  It was awful. It was painful. It was really hard to catch a ride out of that dark and dreary city.  So, that means I have to be intentional. I have to be diligent, and I might have to get a little "sabbath nazi" on those who try and interfere with some good old fashioned sabbath rest...

Moving on Up?

Last week I met with some local colleagues for coffee. We checked in about life and how things are going in general.  As we talked one colleague shared that he had a meeting with an SPRC that was not his own that night...he had been asked by the Bishop to move (and was confirmed and announced by the following Sunday to both his current and his future congregation).  His announcement provoked some further conversation amongst the rest of us.  Another colleague noted that he had had a meeting with the DS who noted he was near the end of his time in ministry (meaning near retirement age) and was therefore deserving of a "better" church.  By better the DS meant "bigger".  My colleague shared that he didn't need/want a "better" church and was happy to stay at his current church for the remainder of his tenure.  

There seems to be a mentality that bigger is better.  That's not new.  That's what our entire culture promotes. Bigger meal deals. Bigger houses. Bigger cars. Bigger closets...the list goes on.  So, it's not fully surprising that the church has bought into this mentality.  But it is a bit odd in my mind.  After all, that's not the biblical standard.

Last year after I was recommended for ordination, I received a call from a DS who congratulated me and then asked if I wanted to move.   Only having been at my current appointment for 8 months, I asked, "Why?"  The answer was, "Well, you'll be ordained, you could have a better church."  To which I responded, "Better?  Really? I'm at a church with no debt, no major conflict, and people who are dedicated to their discipleship...what exactly is a "better" church?"  Yes, those were my exact words.  I had (and still have) no desire to move.  I do not need to go "up" as "up" isn't always better.  

It was also interesting all of this came up at coffee last Wednesday because R had brought it up over the weekend. 

How long do you want to stay here?

Why?

How long do you want to stay here?

Why are you asking?

Because I want to know...

Do you want to leave?

No, how long do you want to stay here?  If they offered you a bigger church would you go?

(I'm not sure of my exact language after that point, but basically it was, "I'm not going to move simply to move up or follow some progression of expectation, I would move if I felt called to move or if the cabinet decided that was the best place for me to go.  But I also wouldn't move just so I could stay here....if that makes any sense. I would try to be faithful to my call and to God's leading...)

....I know...Methodist skeptics...I would also move if I got "traded" regardless of how odd the appointment seemed b/c I said I'd go where I was sent...I know our system isn't perfect, far from it....

The good news for this year is a move is not on my horizon (the bishop said so, I talked to her last week...I almost asked for it in writing)  =)

Back from the land of no-time-to-write

So, apparently my plan to post daily through Lent hasn't quite worked out.  I  wish it had, because blogging is really cathartic for me. And lately there's been a lot to cathart.  =)  I would say that while planning  a wedding while doing Advent and Christmas might have been one of my worst ideas, planning a wedding while also planning for and taking 23 missioners to the Gulf Coast and working on the biggest single event in your church's history, and planning summer camp (yeah...somewhere on the far back corner) AND planning a wedding all at the same time, is just about as ridiculous and insanely busy. 

Not to mention having various folks in the hospital, a family crisis, SPRC concerns, a few come to Jesus meetings, and general church work to do.  So when I don't post, know that it's because life is NUTS right now and many days it feels like there's hardly time to breathe....but more and more is coming into order for all of those things and with every task accomplished there is a little more breathing space and a little less stress. 

I'm gonna try not to ramble here, but to chunk my thoughts into coherent posts on a single issue or topic.  So, look for more writing in the next few days as I catch up on the happenings around here.

Fasting

We have been fasting throughout Lent.  At home, R and I have been fasting from TV.  Through the church devotional, I've been fasting from all kinds of things...

today is running water.  Before I got up and read the devo, I had dreams of laundry and dishes and cleaning the house.  Those plans were immediately limited when I read and realized I would have to make due today with only a few pots of water.  Only a few pots for drinking water, for cooking water, for handwashing.  No shower. No laundry.  No watering the garden. These things aren't huge. They aren't impossible.  But you'd be amazed how often you use running water throughout the day. 

When nature calls
to brush your teeth
to wash your hands
to rinse the dishes
to give the dogs water
to water the lawn
to wipe the counters
to shower
to do laundry

and the list goes on. 

Basic Instructions for Leading worship

Last night I met with my new (and 2 old) worship leaders to do some training and instruction.  These were the basic tips we went over:

·        Review materials (bulletin, scripture, prayer requests, announcements) before you start speaking

·        Plan ahead what you will say

·        Read scriptures ahead of time. Don’t be afraid to ask about pronunciation

o   For difficult names/cities, practice

o   Speak with confidence (remember, if you don’t know how to say it, most people won’t either, so just go with confidence!)

·        Speak clearly and enunciate

·        Bring something to write on or with (don’t simply rely on memory)

·        Speak with boldness and confidence

·        Don’t apologize or discredit yourself 

·        Remember God is a part of worship—all parts of it!

·        Remember we are all part of the body of Christ—when one member hurts, we all hurt, even if a need/concern has been heard before, it is important that we acknowledge the pain/trial of a sister/brother in Christ

·        As often as possible, acknowledge people by name

·        If someone is soft spoken, repeat what they have shared. 

·        Organize prayer concerns and announcements by theme before you get up to share them…try to think of either moving up or down emotionally (highs to lows, or vice versa)

Guest list

We finally decided on an invitation and placed the order.  And, by the grace of God, we made it in on a February promo even though we ordered in March, so we get our envelopes addressed for us!!!  WOO HOO!!!!

But, to have them do that, we have to send them all the addresses (go figure!) and so I've been filling in the spreadsheet for them:

Formal Name                    Names we Call them       Address                        City                   State       Zip

Mr. & Mrs. John Smith           John & Mary           X  Random Street       Somewhere      California   XXXXX

It's fairly straightforward for simple arrangements, but then there's the more complicated situations...grown children living in the home, grandparents and grandchildren who come to church, but no parents, 2 addresses, one family (for all intents and purposes), 4 "households" at one address....different last names and more!

It's do-able, but I keep thinking, "I sure hope no one gets offended if I do this wrong..."

Ministries in Africa

Shelvis and Nancy are amazing and inspiring people. The stories of their ministries in Africa incredible. Find them here to keep up with their adventures and learnings.

Quote of the day

“God, create the connections and open the doors for us to go where you would lead.” 

Prayer

Lord God, the mess before me is huge. I have no idea what to do next. I am not sure how to lead to find a vision. I can lead when I know where I am going, but don’t know how we will encounter your vision. Show me, show us, what to do. In Jesus’ name. amen.

Prayer

Lord, open my eyes and ears that I may hear and see clearly.  Illumine your word and show me what you want me to say. I need you Lord.  I know I don’t always recognize it, but I am desperate for you. I am lost without you.  I am so drained and feel like I have no words left in me.  Fill me up and show me what you would have me say. Through the power of the blood of the lamb, in the mighty name of Yahweh I pray.  Amen. 

Origins of Bridezilla

Wedding planning can be stressful. But, of course, you know that. What I think is expressed less often is that it can be hurtful—there are miscommunications, unmet expectations, and conflicts over all the decisions to be made, not to mention the heightened sensitivity because of the stress that makes you more susceptible to hurt feelings.

It was in a moment of hurt and frustration that it occurred to me why some women become “bridezilla”. After all, our anger and controlling behaviors typically stem from unhealed hurts. So, if the hurts that happen in the midst of wedding planning fester, then a bride becomes more reactive—more controlling…and hence….bridezilla.

Call of encouragement

Today we had a choir from CBU come to worship. They were awesome (as was expected). Last year, there had been some hullabaloo when they came—a few members didn’t like the contemporary music and one man even officially left the church. This year, people knew what to expect, so the biggest nay-sayers didn’t bother to show. One man (of very few words) called me as soon as I got home just to thank me and tell me how much he appreciated the choir. It was very cool. I rarely get those calls and on a day with much potential for complaints, it was a very cool call to receive.

Limited Vocabulary

Each week I use a different scripture, but lately I feel like I am saying the same thing over and over again. I feel like I don’t have words or ideas to express new things.  (though the series with the 10 commandments got rave reviews as something new and interesting).

I am frustrated. I don’t know if I am just worn down and worn out and need a break to revive a bit or if  I need to go to a preaching conference or what. But something has to change.  R told me my brother was having similar concerns and decided to double his weekly reading to spark new ideas. 

Doubling wouldn’t be much for me these days, though I am reading more lately. 

But, I’m out of the office for a week and have a couple of books with me, so we’ll see how much creativity might be sparked…

Thank you notes

I've said it before, thank you notes are a saving grace.  They form a connection with people like none other, they are simple, straightforward, fairly cheap, and easy.  They do wonders.  It personalizes the relationship and helps people know you appreciate them (enough to take the time and energy to write a note).  

But they are also a saving grace to receive.  The other day was rough.  People were upset that I hadn't done certain things and I was frustrated and stretched, exhausted and worn out and was not digging work.  I went to church for an evening meeting, basically in tears, and looked through my box and found a note.  It was a thank you note.  It was from someone I had counseled (and you could say I failed her the first time I counseled her by offering too much input and not enough of a listening ear) and have been praying for and talking with through a very rough situation.  Well, things are looking up and she dropped a note to say "thank you" and it made my night!  

Really, it was just the dose of encouragement I needed.  It was the reminder of why I do what I do and why it is the best job on earth!! 

Fish or cut bait

My church is coming to a climax moment.  We are growing (both spiritually and numerically) and we are pushing away from the pastor-does-it-all model into something more collaborative.  People have been awesome about assuming new responsibilities and stepping out of their comfort zone and trying new things.  It's been inspiring really.  

And as we grow, I have to delegate more (a task I am still learning to do and often fail at...making myself insanely overwhelmed...) and to start, it's the simple things that are easiest to hand out (birthday cards, typing up documents, tracking missioner money, making phone calls to recruit leaders, and even visitation).  All of which was going along fine until this week (when I delegated out more things than normal...???) and I started to encounter the push back.  

I didn't visit a surgery patient (not b/c I didn't want to, but because it's been busy!  see: "insanely overwhelmed" comment from before) and I had someone else ask someone to fill out a grant proposal and someone else ask someone to lead a new class.  And I heard about it. One person was hurt and upset.  Another simply commented, "I used to get a hand on my shoulder and a question, now someone else calls and asks."  

I know that with most conversations there is "text" and "subtext".  There is what is being said  (i.e., text) and what is really being said (i.e., subtext).  So, I know (or at least believe) that the subtext on the frustrated patient is that she wants a visit and needs to feel remembered and important and know we are praying for her in the midst of the pain.  And the subtext on the other is that he liked the personal nature with which I have been leading.  Both of those are good things. I don't mean to deny that.  I'm not even completely sure I want to lean away from that.

But the flip side is, I can't pastor that way to any more people than we already have.  So something has to give.  Either, we decide to grow, and give up some of the "personal touches" (or at least the ones that come directly from the pastor) or we decide to forsake growth (and a lot else at the same time) and keep the pastor-does-it-all model. 

As a church, we haven't quite reached the moment quite yet.  But we are on our way and we will have to choose (or I will end up in the hospital or the psych ward...).  It's tough to give up some of the comfortability, but there is also a lot more to be gained, because when I cease to be the trusted one that has to be the one to pray or visit or call, then that means there is MUCH more space for other people to fill that role...and the church will grow. 

Which way to pray?

When do you conceed from praying for a physical miracle to an "easy", God-infused death?

I believe in miracles. I've seen them. I've prayed for them.  I've even experienced them.

I've also been with people as they die and with their loved ones as they mourn and sometimes death seems to be the miracle, the answer to prayer.  As a chaplain in seminary, I dealt with a lot of death.  Each night I was on call (save 2 of the 14) I responded to 3+ deaths. I ministered to parents who had just said goodbye to a barely born baby, and to the elderly who had lived a long life and the life-spectrum in between.

I've witnessed living and dying, healing and suffering.  My theology says that sickness and suffering are not of God--instead they are a by-product of sin--they are the work of the enemy.  So I struggle when people are prayed for, but not healed.  Now, having said that, I do not believe God is absent from suffering (in fact, as we know from the cross and Christ's suffering, he suffers with us).  

I think there are answers from God that come in a form other than "cures".  God's healing touches more than just body--it touches mind, soul, emotions and relationships too.  

So then what do you pray for?

"God's will"?

Sure, but we are also told to pray and ask specifically--so what then?

When we quit praying for physical healing--are we conceding that god can't or won't do such miracles?  

And when we pray for God-infused peaceful death, are we simply acknowledging that there is more to life than this moment, but that the eternal is incredibly valuable and important? 

Engagement Pictures

Our friend Joy is working on developing her photography skills and offered to do an engagement shoot for us.  So, we finally set a date and went out Saturday and had a ton of fun.  Here are just a few:

Set backs

We've been fundraising for our Katrina mission for months. We've worked hard and done a lot. We have a BIG concert scheduled for May 9th and after various trials and frustrations, we signed with the bands and paid the (non-refundable) deposit.  

Planning an event like this (as a small church...?) is a headache.  Can I just say that?! It's a royal pain.  And it's tricky and complicated. The bands want venue info before they'll move and the venue wants band info before they will.  Talk about a pickle.  But we were making progress!

"Were" being the operative word.  The venue we've been planning on and working with backed out.  That was not helpful.  We've paid $4000 out of $15000 and need to start MAJOR publicity and ticket sales within the next 2 weeks (or say, last week...).  It was the kind of news that made me want to throw in the towel.  How are we supposed to find a venue that seats 3000-5000+ people in less than a week?  

I was ready to quit.  Bite the bullet on the $4000 and just quit. At first, R argued with me and said we could do it. And when I pushed harder he said "Ok, let's quit."  What?!  I was stunned.  It was one of those "chicken or steak" moments.  (You know, when you're at a restaurant debating between chicken or steak and ask someone which one you want and they say "chicken" and you think to yourself, "no, actually I want steak.")  It was one of those moments.  He said ok and what I realized was I wanted him to argue and say "No, God will help us make this happen." 

I have no idea what will happen this week, but I am praying God will indeed make this work. I pray it's one of those God-sized miracles where we will only be able to say, "God did this. It wasn't us.  We were struggling.  God did this."  

Please pray for us, we need a lot of pieces to come together in not much time.  And this event (and the proceeds) is not for us (though I am sure we will learn a lot and be blessed by it), it's to help those still recovery 5 1/2 years after the initial devastation of Hurricane Katrina. 

Sermon

Here's the text from Sunday's sermon.

Sex trafficking

Whenever I have heard about human trafficking or modern day slavery in the past, I have always thought of those in labor trafficking. I think indentured servants and folks that want to work but end up in shady deals without resources or connections.

I have never really thought of the sex trade.  At least not locally. I have thought of women that are sold into the sex trade in other countries but never here.  And never as simply as prostitution.  

This last week I had an interesting situation when I met a woman who was/is basically involved in prostitution and wants to get out but doesn't know how.  I've heard of people working with women in similar situations in Vegas or otherwise, but have no personal connections to anyone in such work.  So, I emailed a couple of friends/colleagues and asked for their advice and direction.  

One friend has worked on sexual and domestic violence issues for years and she recommended the Polaris Project. I looked around their website and thought to myself, "I'm in the wrong spot."  But decided to call the 888 number anyway.  They offered some additional numbers of "local" (LA based) organizations who might be able to help.

I still wasn't sure I was connecting with the right people.  But I called the woman back and gave her the numbers.  It was when I was explaining things to her that it all really clicked.  It was when I made the connection that the "connect" is really a "pimp" who is really a "sex trafficker" that it all fell into place.  He is pushing/selling ("trafficking") sex and she is merely a pawn in his game.  

I know it sounds hard-hearted to say I wasn't super compelled to deal with issues of modern slavery or trafficking before, but it's the truth.  Not that I didn't care, but I didn't have any personal connection to it. I couldn't put a face to the issue. But now I have.  And now that I have made these connections in my head, I have many more faces of others who have shared stories of being forced into prostitution, "lent" out for sex, or caught up in ritual abuse.  

I've worked with many survivors over the years, but now there is a whole new light shed on what happened to them, and what continues to happen to millions of others.  

Please know that we are not immune from such abuses, nor are our friends or families, or neighbors.  We have to call the abuse for what it is and do something about it.  

Recovering from such abuse and breaking the cycle (both literal and figurative) is tremendously hard work. But it's invaluable work.  

Please take some time to read through the Polaris Project website and work to educate yourself on these issues.

Is this place abandoned?

Two days ago I drove up to church in the afternoon, after everyone was gone, and happened along 3 young (5th-6th grade) boys riding bikes and scooters.  As I got out of my car, one of them said, "Is this place abandoned?"

I was surprised by the question since we have a very active congregation and busy campus.  The office is open everyday. We host NA/AA meetings 6 nights a week.  We have a Korean congregation and the English congregation that meet for Bible studies and worship.  We have youth group, outreach, and trustees who are active regularly.  And, we have 4-8 homeless that sleep on the campus every night.  It's a busy place.  At least in my mind.  All of our buildings get used (for more than just storage!) and there are easily over 500 people that are on campus throughout any given week (good for a congregation of 150 with 120 active on Sundays).  

But I suppose none of that really matters when you are a pre-teen boy on his scooter at the church in the afternoons when rarely is anyone to be found.  I told the boys that the buildings were not abandoned and talked about when we have youth group and worship and that they would be welcome. I invited them to the Monday night kids group and told them where to enter.  

I said goodbye and went to the office to get what I needed.  When I came out, they were still there and as I got in the car I heard one tell the other, "just ask her."  I paused and looked back and one meekly approached and asked, "Do our parents have to sign us in?"  Nope.  You can just come!  But we do want them to know where you are!  

We smiled and said goodbye and I told them I hoped to see them again soon.  

I do hope they'll come and check out the program.  I also hope the program is good that night and keeps them wanting to come back.  It's always hard with a small children's/youth program to be convinced that non-churched kids will see it as valuable even though there are only a dozen other kids there.  

Here's hoping!

Lenten renewal

Life has been hectic lately and I'm sorry I haven't posted more.  Not always for your sake (since I'm not sure how much you get out of it), but for my sake too, I need to write and process to work through things.  Writing is cathartic and healing for me.

Yesterday marked the beginning of Lent, with Ash Wednesday.  I started the day with a simple early service: communion, prayer books to read, and the institution of the ashes. We had about 15 people who started their day at our church with prayer, communion, and ashes. 

We decided to do an early service this year because of comments last year that people wanted to be able to use the sign of the cross as a witness to their faith throughout the day, so we gave that opportunity. 

For me it was nice to be able to share an early morning service with folks (and rekindled a desire to do a once a week communion short morning service before work for folks...) and it was also nice to have concentrated quiet time where I could read, pray, and think. 

The rest of the day proved to be as busy as the last (too many) have been.  Running from one thing to the next with only enough time to get the required task done, no more, no less. 

I'd like to say I don't know why I've been so busy, but the reality is, I do:

planning my wedding
officiating at (and planning) 2 weddings next week
a lot of counseling appointments
preparing for a trip to DC
planning an out of state mission trip
planning summer camp
planning a HUGE concert for May
community meetings
training new leadership
trying to be more proactive in worship planning

it's been busy and stressful. I've had headaches almost every day for 2 or 3 weeks. I've sort of lost count.

So, for Lent, I'm going to work on finding balance and trying to take some more time out.

I started with exercise this morning and hope to keep that up 3-5 times a week.  R and I have decided to fast from TV and hopefully that will free up some space to read and maybe create. I'd like to do some sewing and even felt inclined to paint/draw the other day. 

Blogging is another commitment I want to make.  I want to think through stuff, I want to write prayers, and I simply want to make the commitment to keep it up.  =)  So, here's to everyday blogging!!

Cars and counseling

Yesterday morning was a bit of a mess after R texted and told me the ignition on his truck wouldn't work.  After some work on his part, he called for me to come get him to take him to the parts store.  We fiddled with the steering wheel to get it off, so he could try and pull the ignition (he apparently has the one type of truck that requires you actually take the steering wheel off before you pull the ignition), and that in and of itself was an endeavor.  

We did some more fiddling and still couldn't get it loose.  So a friend (and parishioner) came and started helping.  Then he recruited a neighboring business owner/friend to also help.  The two men worked to try and get it all apart.  R and I mostly watched.  After awhile, the guys determined the ignition wasn't going to budge, so they got drills and started drilling it out.  

Now, as a woman who can change her tires and semi-narrow-down the problem with her own car, but not much more, I will openly admit that I would have had the car towed to a mechanic about 4 hours earlier when someone even dared mention taking off the steering wheel, but that's just me.

So, instead, I just stood by and watched as they drilled and drilled and drilled some more and still struggled to get it off.  At one point, I asked, "so, at what point do you call a professional?"  No one answered.  I worried that maybe I had offended the guys, but I also wondered how many more parts would break in the endeavor to fix it and how quickly it might have been fixed if we'd just taken it to the shop.  So, I shut my mouth and kept on being a quiet observer.

Later, R and I were in the car (going to get a new ignition) and I remarked that he had been quiet and I assumed just waiting and hoping they would figure it out and be able to fix it before they did too much damage, but also silenced by the fact that they might be able to fix it or he might need their help later and he wouldn't want to ruin that possibility by saying, "yeah guys, no more dinking with my truck, I'm going to a shop."  

And I think that summed it up.  So, we got the ignition and M continued to work on the truck in our absence and got it all apart and figured out how R could get it to start until he could get it properly fixed.  So that was super nice.  Worth the waiting (and the fear I suppose) and saving however many $100 not to pay a shop.  

Later I was recounting the story to a friend and she and I cracked up at how insane the idea of drilling into the ignition while still attached to the steering column had seemed, and then I said, well, that might also be because I don't take apart cars. 

The parallel might be that I consider myself fairly versed in counseling, I can handle most situations and have done enough of it that I would probably "tinker" with a situation (counseling-wise) when someone not as experienced would have called in a professional long ago.  I guess when we're comfortable with something (whatever that something might be) we're willing to stretch ourselves and go a bit further, after all, that's how we learn and grow.  And when we're a complete novice, we ask silly questions like "so, when do we call a professional?"

Good idea

On Friday I went to my cousin's house for a visit and as we caught up on life, I looked through her photo albums and came across one that was all picture Christmas cards.  Each year she saves the photo cards and then scrapbooks them so she has the memories. It's particularly cool because most often the cards are of children, so you see them as they grow up!  (One cool parent idea was to put the kids' ages on the card too so people would be able to look back years later and know their ages.

Can a priest be sexy?

The other day I watched "What Not to Wear" and they had an episcopal priest on the show.  It was an interesting show because it dealt with a lot of the issues many of my clergy friends and I have discussed:  How do you combine your personal wardrobe with your professional clothes?  (or can you?)  How do you accent your body without being too scandalous or seductive?  

She handled the questions well and chose clothes that were complementary to her figure as well as professionally appropriate.  

At one point, the hairdresser asked, "Can a priest be sexy?"  She paused and then said "yes".  Ever since I have been running that question through my head.  I think personally, (like in her personal life) it's alright, but as a priest, I don't think so.  It's a tough line to draw, and even in her personal life it's questionable since she's bound to run into parishioners outside of the church walls.  I don't know. Maybe it depends on how you define sexy, but it made me uncomfortable.

Maybe that's because I wore a dress last Sunday that got a lot of comments.  People said things like "You look too good to be a pastor." And even, "You look sexy." (That one came from an 80-something year old lady).  It was unnerving actually. I had not intended for such a look. I wore a dress with boots...long sleeve, knee length and fairly loose, and yet it evoked comments that dealt with my sexuality, or at least perceived sex appeal.  

It wasn't 5 minutes at church before I lamented my clothing choice and was ready to be robed.  I don't think a pastor can or should really be "sexy".  It has the potential to seriously undermine what we do.  And for women in particular, I think others are prone to sexualize us anyway (call it cultural, call it a minimization of the feminine side of God, call it whatever, but my experience is it seems to be true).

That doesn't mean we have to be drab and frumpy, only that we do have to be conscientious of how we dress and how we are perceived.  After all perception is 9/10 of the law!

Wedding question of the day

This one is more about marriage, but it'll work...

What is the thing you and your spouse do to make sure you stay connected?

Wedding question of the day

What accent, touch, or piece of flare did you include that truly represented you and your partner?

Discernment

At my current church, I deal with all of our immediate cash need requests (help with rent, ulilities, gas, etc).  The secretary normally handles the food and the head of outreach deals with clothes/toiletries distribution.  But I do the money side of things.  We never do cash assistance...not as cash cash or checks written to an individual...we only pay a company or landlord or give out gift cards. 

Some days, this is an awesome responsibility.  I can help families stay in housing, or get the lights back on, or get gas to get home after being in the city for whatever reason (often a court case). 

Other days, it is a bit bitter and confusing.  We don't have a good system of evaluating a need...there is no form, no structure, it's simply based on my own discernment (and the availability of the resources).  Sometimes, my gut tells me I/we are being "had" by an individual.  There is something in me that knows we are being conned or schemed and it irks me.  But it's a tough contradiction because there's not really a tactful way to say you don't believe someone (especially when your only reason for doubting is your "gut").  And there's always the possibility you're wrong.

It's also frustrating when a group of folks ask for the same exact thing.  In Hemet, we had about 3 weeks where I got the same request from about 4 different families "milk, ground beef, diapers, and bread."  That was it.   It seemed simple enough and we helped a bunch of the families.  But then it started to seem fishy and I said no to the next request for the same and then there were no more requests, which made me even more suspicious. 

It's starting to be something similar here.  I had various requests for gas cards lately...the fishy thing was the requests were coming from the same number, but different names and people were asking for it.  I finally said no (finally being after two requests that we filled).  It's those kinds of things that make my head spin.

Here's why:  On the one hand, this could be a legitimate need and people in similar circumstances often have similar needs, but at the same time, all of the requests seem to come too close together and the same number part is really bothersome.  And yet, at the same time, how do I really know what the need actually is? (Or why the need exists...is it because of drugs? unemployment? poor spending? medical bills?) It's a tough call.  And should my call be based on the need? or the cause? or...?

And the really tough part for me is that when I feel taxed....like it's request after request and I feel like we are being scammed, I feel like throwing up my hands and saying "no" to everyone involved.  Which definitely isn't the right philosophy either...

Impotence

Sometimes in ministry, I'm left with a feeling of total impotence.  In general, I'm a fixer. I like to do things. I like to help. And I really struggle when there is nothing I can actually do to help a situation.  I hate feeling powerless. I hate knowing that some situations are irredeemable (at least as far as I am able). I don't like the complexities of addiction or homelessness or abuse that bind up helpful actions. 

Impotence is not an every day occurrence, and I suppose, that for the sake of humility and God doing things and whatever else, it might even be healthy or necessary from time to time, but mostly, these days it's simply frustrating. 

Wedding question of the day

What kind of shoes did you (the bride) wear...were they good for the whole day or would you have gone with a different kind?

Wedding question of the day

What is something you really wish you had taken time (or money or energy) to do for your wedding?

Wedding question of the day

What is one wedding expenditure you wish you hadn't had? (or maybe that you wish were less than it was?)

Creative Edge

Wedding planning is well underway (again).  Last spring we announced our engagement and then a January wedding date.  Well, the summer got busy and life happened and we needed to take a step back and work on our relationship and our lives and work and more.  So, we postponed our wedding date.  

At the time, it was a heartbreaking decision.  I am a woman perfectly happy meeting other people's expectations and to postpone my wedding was not what was expected.  It was hard to deal with my fears of rejection and judgment. It was hard to slow down the momentum, to mourn the loss of what could have been (at least in the ways I had it established in my own mind) and to do some down and dirty relationship work.  

But, it's now 5 months later, the new date is set and wedding plans are again underway.  

The crazy thing is, (or maybe it's not all that crazy after all) I am enjoying the wedding planning so much more this time around.  Last time it felt rushed and urgent and everything had to be done right away.  I began to dread wedding planning....well, actually I think I just dreaded feeling fat when I tried on wedding dresses, but the two became inextricably linked.  But now, with months of perspective, some new contacts and new ideas, I am much more relaxed.  

We have the venue. I've had my dress for months (I got it before we rescheduled).  I have my husband-to-be and the rest is just details in my mind!  Some details matter more to me than others, but mostly, it's just details.  

The only piece that really keeps nagging at me is the creative edge.  I want portions of the wedding/reception/etc to stand out. I want some signature marks that just scream our identity as a couple.  And I have no idea what those would be.  As I think of "cool" details of flare I could add to my wardrobe or whatnot I keep thinking "that'd be fun, but it's not fully me...I'm not that cool!"  

The most personalized thing so far is homemade jam as the party favors.  All summer I made jam...lots of jam. Tomato jam. Rasberry jam. Peach jam.  Recently I made marmelade jam and will be making some blackberry jam and probably more tomato and peach jam.  Everyone will have a homemade piece of us to take home.  And I like that.  I just keep hoping for more cool markers that will capture who we are as a couple. 

Wedding question of the day

Wedding planning includes LOTS of options.  Sometimes it's hard to sift through all that there is.  So, for the near future, there will be a "wedding question of the day".  If you have input or advice, please feel free to comment!

today's question:

What are good wedding party gift ideas?

Back to Blogging...

...regularly that is....well, at least that's the hope.  When I first started blogging, I wrote all the time. And when I wrote, I typically wrote three blogs every day.  It was crazy, and, as was anticipated and predicted by others, my speed slowed and lately it has only been intermittent. 

But in the last couple of weeks, I have had a number of blog posts running through my head and have really wanted to get back into the habit of writing.  It's a busy year with a major mission trip, a major fundraiser, a wedding, and camp all within the next 6 months, but hopefully that will mean there are interesting things to write.  It will also probably mean that my blog becomes more and more eclectic as I write about wedding planning, preparing for married life, fund raising, working with the homeless, and whatever else runs through my head.  

So, the journey (re) begins here.

Quote of the day

"If you live long enough, the venerability factor creeps in; first, you get accused of things you never did, and later, credited for virtues you never had."

 - I. F. Stone

Tips and insight

As I mentioned in my last post, we've adopted 3 extra families this Christmas (in addition to the three families and 25 homeless the church bought gifts for). And in case buying presents for families in need isn't something you do regularly, you should know it's a fair amount of work. For us, it includes food, clothes, toys, and sometimes stockings. It includes buying, sorting, wrapping, sorting some more, and delivering. It can be quite consuming and very costly.

To cut costs, I asked friends in the area who also do outreach ministries if they had "extras" and a couple did. We went to CAYA ("Come As You Are" ministries and sorted through the donations they received from the girl scouts. We found about 10 items in the bags she showed us and then thanked her and prepared to leave. She was disappointed we hadn't found more and I told her we needed clothes for "itty bitty" kids (toddlers and young elementary) so she took us to a different room with more bags and invited us to look some more!

As we sorted, there were a couple of things that struck me and I thought I would share.

1) Some people separated clothes by size and gender (4 year old boy in one bag and 9 year old girl in another). This was SUPER helpful. When you are looking for clothes (for 20 people) you keep track of people by gender and size...so knowing that a whole bag was for 4 year old boy and I didn't have a 4 year old boy to look for meant I could skip the whole bag. Also, knowing that I did have a 9 year old girl meant the other bag was one to really examine. So if you are donating, or even just organizing...keep it simple! Designate by size and gender!!

2) Different people have different standards. Some clothes were in awesome shape...hardly worn and good hand-me-downs. Other clothes were stained and worn and looked as though they had made it through 10 generations...these are not the items to donate. If it's too ratty for you to wear...it's probably too ratty for someone else to wear. So, save folks time and energy and just ditch it!

3) Though the woman who invited us to look through the bags knew who I was and what I do, the others in the office didn't. So, at one point the senior minister told "Joe" to take a picture and said, "that'd make a good shot Joe." In some ways it wasn't a big deal, but in other ways it was alienating. I knew we'd end up on some wall or in some photo book as the "poor people in need finding clothes at Christmas" or some such thing. The truth (or lack thereof) didn't matter. We were being type cast, as I am sure many are. All too often church groups want to take pictures (which seems reasonable enough) but all too often the pictures have the attitude of "look who needed us" or "Look who we helped" or "Look what we gave them, they'd have nothing without us". All of those notions can be degrading and even humiliating. Be cautious in taking pictures, ask first, and be very careful how you label the people and the pictures.

4) This is a side note to the picture thing, but in some cases (probably more than most of us would like to admit) Domestic violence is a factor in creating a need and victims of violence often have to hide from their abuser and taking pictures (and posting them on your website) can make them an easy target and easily found. So be doubly cautious in taking pictures if you do not know the circumstances of those you serve...

5) Where possible, give options. Not being able to buy your kids the things they need is a tough experience. Empowering parents, where possible is a way to help restore pride and dignity. the local shelters, instead of just giving presents already wrapped, gave target and walmart cards and had volunteers take parents shopping so they could pick out their own gifts. Others ask specific questions about preferences...colors...logos...etc... Another way to empower is to allow parents to wrap gifts for themselves...you may need to buy the paper/tape/ribbons, but many parents can wrap and would enjoy doing it...other don't want/need to, but giving the option is helpful and can help parents feel more a part. Where possible, give people an option.

6) In shopping for pants (in particular) I learned years ago to try and find pants that could hold a dual function...buying sweatpants allows kids to wear them to school or to bed. Fun is good. Functional is better!

I'm sure I still have a lot to learn and that we could do a better job of empowering parents, but those are just a few of this year's learnings. If you have other insights and tips, please feel free to post them in the comments!

Blunder

Growing up, we always had presents under the tree. We had presents before Christmas, and more on Christmas, and sometimes, if there were stragglers, even after Christmas. Not having presents has never been a reality for me. And so, as a pastor, when I hear of families who won't "have Christmas" (meaning presents) it kills me and I do everything I can to make sure the kids have something to open to help them celebrate.

I know, full well, that the presents aren't the meaning of Christmas, instead they are (or at least should be) an outpouring of thanks for all the gifts we have received through Christ. So, in some ways, even though they aren't the focus, it's even more important that there are gifts...in the sense that they reflect how grateful we are...no gifts would then mean no gratitude.

I realize that part of me is caving to cultural norms, but part of me also knows that giving gifts is a way of blessing others, and we bless others because we have already been blessed.

As such, I have been buying and wrapping and sorting and counting to be sure I can deliver gifts to three families in need who came to me at the last minute. I want them to celebrate on Christmas. I want them to be blessed as I have been blessed.

That's the fun part...not the blunder.

The blunder came on Sunday morning during the Children's moment. I was trying to talk about anticipation and patience and wanted to talk about having to wait to open the presents under the tree. So, I asked, "Do you have presents under the tree?" And I got, "No." and then another "no" and another and another. I know not everyone puts the presents out early. I also know that not everyone has enough for presents this year and I could have kicked myself for not realizing or thinking about it ahead of time.

From my background, it's an easy mistake to make. But, knowing the families I do and working with so many in need, I should know that gifts under the tree aren't a given. (heck, this year, I don't have any under my own tree...namely because the dog thinks they are chew toys, but still, even I couldn't have said "yes".)

This may or may not be a relevant message for you, but if you do work in ministry, know that there are probably families in your parish who do not have presents under the tree and who may not be able to get presents. And to ask such a "simple" question can invoke sadness for the kids and shame for the parents and all of that could easily be avoided.

Moments of inspiration

Lately there have been lots of inspiring moments happening at the church, here are just two:

* Having a young adult plan her college class schedule around upcoming Bible studies so she can be sure to attend.

*The Sunday morning breakfast cooks decided they wanted to make breakfast Christmas morning and throw a Christmas party for the homeless.

Administrative Fatigue

Sometimes, the life of a senior pastor is a mixed bag. Generally, I enjoy it. I like having freedom to be creative, to try new things, and working to coordinate the programs and ministries of staff and volunteers. But sometimes, the administrative/organizational side of things is draining.

Lately, it's been the latter.

I have been working with various people of the church to do more long-term planning. We are trying to have a plan for each area of ministry for 4-6 months out. For folks who have this as a regular practice at their church, you might say to yourself, "Yeah...and?!" But for folks who don't, you might say to yourself, "Lord, I hope I don't have to do that!"

Planning ahead is both a blessing and a curse, at the outset anyway. It's a blessing because it encourages greater collaboration, delegation and creativity. It's a curse because it means double work as you do both this week's sermon prep and the sermon prep for Easter. It's overwhelming to try and hold the balance.

I know the work is worth it. Not only does it help me to be more organized, but it also frees me to delegate more aspects of ministry so that others are empowered to serve. For example, if I'm working week to week, then I probably won't know the true heart of a sermon until Saturday night or even Sunday morning. That doesn't lend itself to sharing that with someone so they can plan a children's moment that addresses the heart of the sermon. On the other hand, if I already know what I will preach about on January 24th, then I can give that information to the children's moment person and they have over a month to plan. Planning ahead = shared ministry. And that's a good thing.

But it's also a daunting thing when you are working on such a plan for worship and education and mission as well as planning a mission trip for 25 and summer camp for 100. Right now my church seems to be in a "training phase" where a lot of people are embarking on new ministries...which is GREAT! It still involves a lot of extra time walking people through the basics so they feel comfortable and confident with the task at hand.

And all of that extra time and energy seems to drain me of my creative juices. I suppose I'm not without creativity, it's just being aimed at planning and organizing (which rarely feels creative) rather than focusing on worship or new programs...something that looks more creative as an end product. I like creating new ways of doing worship and bringing in tactile examples and experiential components to preaching, but it's been hard to do lately with all my energy being focused elsewhere.

I'm still hoping that in the end it will all pan out and be worth it, but for now I am tired and wishing for some creative juices for the next few weeks of worship.