This morning I just feel kind a blah. Taylor got me up at 6:30 and we walked for close to an hour, which was good. It was overcast, gray, and cool--perfect walking weather in my mind! I got home, had breakfast, stretched, and worked on emails, and now I don't have ganas to do much of anything. I had thought of going to T.H.E. Center (The place where they use horses to do therapy and strength training with folks with moderate to severe disabilities) to volunteer; I know they need help and yet right now I'm just not feeling it. My relationship with them makes me think of other folks and church. In essence, I treat going out there like others do church--when it's convenient, when I don't have "more important" commitments to attend to. I like it when I'm there but feel embarrassed, lazy, and uncommitted when I don't go, which always makes it harder to return. So, more time passes, and then more, and then after awhile returning just seems silly and out of the question. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but that's how I feel. Never mind the regular correspondence I receive, or even the calls pleading for help whenever I can....and even though I know I get a lot out of it, I hesitate. Strange, eh?
I even know that's where I worship God and feel restored. It is my church in many ways, it is a community of love and support, it is where I invest of myself in a way that is meaningful and fulfilling, it is where I can lend a hand, it is where I can clear my head of all the nonsense that fills my brain and consumes me. So why wouldn't I go back?!?! Shame? Embarrassment? Aren't those the main things that we fear in returning to God after we've turned away? And yet, I know that when I go people will be delighted I'm there, excited to see me, and grateful for the help. Ironic, I think. And yet, anticipating their warm welcome almost makes it harder...it shows such contrast to my reluctance and fear that they almost seem to grow in light of joy and hospitality.
Now that I've written all that, it's clear to me I just need to put on my jeans and tennis shoes and go. Just push myself out the door, especially in light of my lethargy and darkened mood. Just go! That's what my heart is urging me to do. Just go.