Friday, December 21, 2007

Hoping for rain in the desert

I feel like I'm trying to re-encounter the best of me. Awhile ago I decided to take a blogging break. After a month solid of blogging, the upcoming pressures of Advent/Christmas/Epiphany, and general stressors, I felt like I didn't have anything left to give/write. I felt stifled. I felt stressed. I felt uninspired. I felt drained. So I stopped trying to pull a rabbit out of a hat and gave myself a break.

I suppose things are a little better, at least I have the motivation to write on occasion, but still feel horribly uninspired. As I've pondered, mused, and done some self-reflection in these past few weeks I realized I was more hindered than I thought. My realization came one night as I fell asleep. My sleep was impaired by a barrage of worship ideas and fun ministry ideas. I was torn between wishing I could sleep and being pleased with the inspiration. I finally gave in and started writing down my brainstorm and eventually went to sleep. What that flutter of creativity did was cast light on how long it had been since I had one of those flashes of inspiration. It used to happen a couple times a week. I'd settle into the warmth of the covers and a flood of ideas would beg me to turn on the light and write them down b/c I knew that if I did not, they would not return with the light of day. I regularly had a storm of ideas for things I could do, either in worship, Bible studies, outreach, programs or otherwise.

But lately I keep coming up short. No bursts of inspiration. No late night writings. Only scraping the bottom of the barrel to fish out the slightest fragments of inspiration for a Sunday morning service. It's been hard to know that I'm not at the top of my game. It's hard to know I could be doing so much more. It's hard to know that I am not at my best. And it's even harder not to know how to fix it.

One can hope it's merely a season of drought and that when the rains come, the desert valley will blossom with life and color.

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