Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Self reflection

The last few weeks have drawn me into some serious self reflection. It was primarily prompted by my work with my spiritual director and has been coupled with reading The Dance of Anger. There is one part of me that LOVES this endeavor--I like being productive, seeing progress, moving forward, setting goals (another part of my self work has been doing a personality test for work--it has aptly diagnosed me as: Entrepreneur: aggressive, persuasive, active, and extremely independent....a supreme individualist: confident, energetic, persistent...stubborn itch for greener pastures....You get the idea). So, in sum, I enjoy self work because it gives me something to focus on that is concrete and can be evaluated for progress. The other part of me is not such a big fan of recognizing my short-comings and doing the REALLY HARD work of changing.

My process has drawn me into a heightened sense of awareness--what am I doing and why? Why do I blog the things I do? Why do I react like I do? etc etc etc.

According to my theology (sanctification is a process of moving closer to God), this work will never be done. To be quite honest, that's not all that inspiring--no matter how much work I do, I won't get there. (Yes, methodists, I know, Wesley says *perfection* is possible, but really...I'm not sure I buy it. though yes, of course, I will tell my BOOM that I am well on my way and of course with the intent of arriving). =) It kinda makes me tired just thinking about. There is always work to do (not just on the self but in the world). I think now is when I need the other part of my theology, the prevenient grace part, where God loves us first in spite of ourselves, or maybe even because of ourselves.

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